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Idk what to do anymore (TW- mention of SH/SI and ED)
Lottie5433
Community Connector Posts: 1,047 Wise Owl
I’m so over everything, I can’t do this anymore I’m causing more issues than it’s all worth. I’ve relapsed again with my sh I can’t see to get a break with it. It’s just an endless cycle, I don’t know how long I can carry on with this. I’m just lying to myself and everyone, hurting everyone around me, maybe I should be here, I just keep ending up in the same place over and over again.
I also mentally broke down in my car and almost crashed it because my head just wasn’t there but needed to drive I my parents.
i don’t want to go to my appointment today, she’s going to see my sh and see that I’ve been crying and I don’t think I can hold a mask up anymore. I just feel so lost, distant and broken. I can’t be fixed at all. Nothings changed in the last 15+ years in dealing with this. So why continue to try if I can’t get a break from any of this.
I just can’t with everything at work both at the place I’m based at but also with everything else happening higher up, I don’t know how long I can stay there. No one would care if I leave, we’ve already had 3 or 4 people since the start of the new year what’s one more going to do. All they would loose is their pawn that they can manipulate round different departments when they are short staffed. All I’m good for is covering others.
I can’t lie anymore to my partner I’m just hurting him, he should have never got with me.
Comments
Hey Lottie, if sounds like you are going through a really difficult time right now. It is really positive that you are able to share this and hope you get some good peer support from other community members. We'll send over a Direct Message to check in further.
I went to my appointment with “N” today despite not wanting to go. She noticed my SH - well the bandage. She asked me when I did it and also just asked about what caused it. I didn’t like talking about any of it but “N” understood why and asked if it’s a fear people will leave etc and if it brings up and uncomfortable feeling inside. To be honest it’s like the first time someone has understood why I hate talking about anything and again she didn’t force me to open up she just created the space for me to talk if I wanted to.
I didn’t tell N about the suicidal feelings I’ve had the last couple of days because I don’t want to worry anyone with it all but also she more likely going to want to discuss all that and I don’t want to talk about those thoughts. Because I just get told “you shouldn’t be feeling this way”, “what do you have that is so bad you don’t want to be hear”, “think about your family and how they’d feel” I just don’t want that. Part of me knows N won’t say that because it’s part of her job to ensure I’m safe and to explore the feelings and what’s causing them but last time I told my therapist I was suicidal they didn’t care, didn’t even care I had an ambulance come and welfare check me, so I just fear that’s going to be the response.
well I’ve agreed to continue with the actual DBT therapy now with N and we are going to start that next week. I told her how when I’m away for a work conference in 2weeks that I’ll just be sat in a hotel room because work have said I can only attend one conference day instead of all 3. [spoiler]because it’s not my job role and doesn’t relate to it(I’m just a pool supervisor not a retail manager), but it’s the fact that last year it basically was my job because everyone left and I pick up most of it and this conference is for awards based on last year and new stuff being brought in this year. So it just makes me feel like I’m not appreciated or valued because I know if the place I work for gets and award it will be my partners name on it (he’s the new retail manager for work), like I’ll be pleased he gets one but again a lot of it I did and just shows how shit the company can be to work for. [\spoiler]. So N said she would do a virtual session then as I’ll be alone.
I’ve also had a relapse with my eating disorder, I keep purging everything I eat because I don’t feel I deserve food and everything is just making me feel rubbish and sick so why eat I don’t need it.
I’ve stopped taking all my medication and have started stockpiling a lot of it as I get my meds weekly right now as to limit me stockpiling (CEDT contacted the GP about doing this) like I know my meds help and I should be taking at least 1 of them as it’s for a deficiency but again what’s the point in that it’s not like the gp has checked anything since saying I was deficient so clearly doesn’t mean a lot of if I take it or not.
I just want all this to go away.
I want to be normal and not have this stupid messed up head
I’m a burden and a screw up
Hi @Lottie5433 thanks for sharing this. It sounds like you've had a lot of bad experiences with therapists in the past, and though you were not wanting to attend the session, it sounds like N has surprised you by creating space and actively listening to you. You deserve to have support that actively involves you and listens. I know you're concerned about how N may possibly react to suicidal thoughts, but seeing the way N has reacted before by giving you space, do you think this topic is something you could bring up in future sessions? I know it can make you feel incredibly vulnerable to open up, and it's exhausting having to fight for the support you deserve but you do deserve to heard out.
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I will also be sending you a DM so please do look out for that.
thank you @Sabah, N did surprise me with the the way she created space and didn’t push me to talk. It will probably be a topic I have to talk about anyways as it’s on my RIO record that I have suicidal thoughts and have acted on them in the past without getting medical attention. So N is likely going to want to discuss it she already wants to look at my reckless driving so yeah
so I keep relapsing with everything and now I have to hide it all which is going to be harder since me and my partner are starting to go gym again.
I also don’t want N to see or find out about any more SH because I can never say why I did it or what caused it etc.
then it’s like my ED voice is loud and has been triggered a lot by the food I’ve been eating. Like all the food is healthy but it’s doing something internally which makes me purge it, I don’t want to start that all again because it caused a lot of health issues but I don’t know if I can stop, from last night I’ve started fasting and I know if I eat tonight it won’t stay down for long seen as that’s what’s happened the last 2 days now, but also if I fall asleep I won’t eat anyway. I don’t want to tell anyone this because it will worry them but also I don’t want to potentially risk having to choose between 2 different therapies. Like if my ED gets bad again they might say I have to go back to CBT therapy for that which means I’d have to give up the DBT which I don’t want to do. But then it’s the whole thing of if I tell anyone like my gp or the Ed team they’d want me to come in for monthly/weekly blood tests and monthly ecg which I don’t want because with the new policy at work with appointments I won’t ever be able to take holiday for an actual holiday or I’ll have to continually work more than what I’m contracted for.
if I bring this up to N I’m not sure what she will say as it’s likely linked to my emotions and how I can’t safely or properly express them but then she might talk to the team as well as both CEDT and ED work together. Or they might try and work it all together as instead of CBT for the ED they can of DBT which is what N is doing with me at the moment.
I know I should also contact my gp or N about me not taking my medication and that but then I don’t want to either. I can’t tell my partner that I’m not on my medication because he will say “I’ll tell M then, she will talk to you about taking them” (M is my general manager)
also going back to the ED the voice will like it in about 2 weeks because I go away for work (mentioned this before) but because I can’t go to the evening meals apart from Tuesday night, I’m likely not going to want to eat anything seen as I’ll be alone and means I won’t likely eat all day too
I just don’t know what to do from here my head can’t make anything seem plausible to do
I’ve kinda just given up with work and I don’t know if it’s because there is too much change happening or if I just don’t like the place anymore.
I don’t know how I can carry on it’s affecting my mh too but I don’t want to tell my general manager about it. Like she’s supportive and will want to help me but with all this change in policy etc I don’t know what she’d do.
If I speak to my gp they will just ask if I want to be signed off - I denied this last time because works like one of the only things that helps me stay safe.
I want to tell N about all this but I don’t even know what to say
Hi @Lottie5433 , thank you so much for sharing this. I can really hear that things are feeling hard and overwhelming right now, and we care about you and what you're going through. I noticed you said you have 'relapsed', and I wondered if you'd feel comfortable sharing what you meant by this? (I know you said that earlier in the week you had SHed, and I wondered if you meant this has happened again?) Can I check that you're feeling safe physically at the moment? You're so deserving of time and understanding around this, and I hear how uncomfortable it can be to open up around it.
It sounds like you're noticing that some of your ED thoughts and feelings are starting to become loud again, and that sounds really difficult and anxiety-inducing for you. You mentioned too how you're nervous to talk to your GP or to N about this in-case your access to DBT is blocked or you're re-directed to CBT instead. That sounds tough, and I wonder what you would ideally like to happen in terms of support around this? We're here to listen, and you're doing so well to share here.
You mentioned that you want to tell N about this and your changes at work, but you also don't know where to start or how to say it. That's so valid, Lottie, and I really hear you wanting to get yourself support. I wonder what might help it feel even 5% more manageable to talk to N? For example, whether writing things down might help for her to read? Or even doing a piece of creative writing maybe that captures some of the emotions you're feeling? I remember you mentioned writing stories in the past has been helpful for you.
hi @Sian321 sorry for the late response I’ve not been great today
well I have relapsed again with my sh and have to hide it, I’ve relapsed back into ED habits like restricting eating and if I do it’s “clean” (something my brain has created a rule about) and just general rules around when I can and can’t eat. Then there is the “relapse” (well I don’t know if it really counts but yeah) of not taking my medication and stockpiling it as well as buying over the counter painkillers more often as well. (No need to be worried about this though)
I’m physically feeling fine in myself only things is obviously the consequences of the sh and ed stuff.
I’m not sure really, I don’t want to go through the stuff with ED treatment again. I guess if anything I’d want the ED team and N to collaborate together I guess or not make me choose between CBT and DBT I guess.
Well when I saw N on Wednesday this week she saw my SH (the bandage as mentioned before) so she asked if when I’m feeling that way is there a chance I could write the feeling down to get it out instead of taking it out on myself. She suggested this as she knows I like being creative and asked I could carry round a note book and pen so I always have chance to write things down.
idk if I can start writing creatively again my brain just gets too exhausted with everything and I don’t want my partner to see them either
Hi @Lottie5433
Thanks for reaching out nonetheless. I know it's hard to put things down in words at the best of times, and it must feel especially difficult to explain when you're not doing well. We're here for you if you'd like to share more about what has happened today to make you feel this way?
This is completely valid, Lottie. I know there's some topics you're finding difficult to broach with N but I'm wondering if this is something you're willing to explore with them?
This sounds like a great idea, and it sounds like something you may be interested in but right now writing seems like it would take more energy from you rather than give you energy, is this right? It's understandable that it might take you some time to come back to writing, and having a notebook/pen on you sounds like a good way to make it accessible to you so if you ever did have some energy, even if it's only enough for a couple of words or sentences, that you could quickly jot them down. I'm wondering if any other form of creative work might help you put the words together to share with N?
Thanks for sharing this. You said you feel fine in yourself, and it's the consequences of the SH and ED that are making you feel like this (Have I understood you correctly?). I'm wondering if you could share maybe the ways you are keeping yourself safe with everything you're going through?
Hi @Lottie5433 , thank you so much for continuing to open up about this. You're doing so well to share, particularly when you're coping with difficult thoughts and feelings too.
Can I check, I'm hearing that you have recently SHed - how is your body physically feeling following this, and do you feel like you need medical attention? Please know that the NHS 111 service is here for you, as well as your local GP and A&E if so, where staff have a duty of care to support you.
I'm also hearing you say that you're stock-piling your medication as well as actively going to purchase over the counter painkillers more often. Thank you for letting us know. May I ask, what are you intending to do by gathering medications in this way?
We're here with you to listen, and we care about your safety. We really do hear just how overwhelming things have been lately, and you're so deserving of understanding, time, and space to feel everything you're feeling.
Thank you @Sabah,
Well only been working with N for almost 1 month but that’s just been for the pretreatment so haven’t really had chance to bring anything up really unless she starts talking about it like with my SH. It might’ve something I talk to N about when we actually start the proper DBT stuff.
The only other creative thing I could do is to draw what is going on and telling N that way
yes that is correct.
Generally keeping myself safe by being around people and trying not to be on my own too much. As well as only driving if it’s necessary.
hi @Sian321 , after SH-ing my body feels fine, just sore when I move because of the sh and it being itchy as it’s healing. No they don’t need medical attention. I spoke on Wednesday with N about it and told her I have a first aid kit for when I do it so I can treat them afterwards, she just suggested I watch for infection and then not healing etc. I don’t want to tell my gp because they won’t do anything and will say it’s coz I’m not on my medication.
I don’t really want to say what I intend to do, this is because it’s always blown way out of proportion and ends up with me not trusting anyone due to the actions other take
like I’ve spoke about it before and it’s just the idea of having them there [edited]. But like I’m FINE, nothing needs to come of this as I don’t actively have a plan or timeframe of it etc.
just trying to stay busy, hoping my manager at work will be supportive but also give me extra jobs to do at times because she knows this helps because I can’t get stuck in my head etc
Thank you anyways
Hi @Lottie5433 , thank you for your messages here and for letting us know that you feel physically safe and don't need medical attention. I really appreciate your trust too in explaining more about your intentions with the medication, and hear how the idea of having them there perhaps helps things feel more manageable (?). It sounds like staying busy right now is one of the ways that you're trying to keep yourself safe and take care of yourself, and I hear how hard it feels to be coping with all these thoughts and feelings in your head and how you're wanting relief. Thinking about this weekend specifically, what is one thing that could help make things feel even just 5% more comforting right now? You're doing so well to keep talking about this. When is your next appointment with N coming up?
hi @Sian321
Yes having the medication just makes things feel a bit more manageable just coz I know it’s an option to relieve the pain etc.
being busy usually helps me keep safe.
im not sure what I could do this weekend to feel 5% better. Like today im at my old assistant managers new work place to help out for a bit so that helping, and like i know hes aware of everything including when the police came out whilst i was at work and that. Plus I just get to go exploring round his site and take pictures like he has a haunted manor so that’s intriguing.
My next appointment with N is on Wednesday, it looks like each week it will be a Wednesday
Hey @Lottie5433 I just want to say thank you for sharing all of this with us about what you have been going through recently, that's not always an easy thing to do, you're so brave.
I'm hearing that being busy helps you manage these thoughts and feelings, and today you've been busy at your old assistant managers new workplace to help him out. The haunted manor sounds very intriguing! How are you feeling this evening now that you've had something to focus on today?
Good to hear that you have another appointment with N on Wednesday. I'm wondering how it's going with regards to planning for that appointment? In terms of writing everything down, doing some creative writing or making some drawings to take along with you?
Sorry for the late response @Callum i was knackered and also me and my partner were talking about what he’d do if I found out I was SH-ing like in the house (as he knows I’ve relapsed now with it). Yeah keeping busy does usually help me manage my feelings so being at J’s workplace did help because I got to explore and take photos. The haunted manor is really interesting got a lot of gruesome history to it.
that evening when I go home I just feel tired and exhausted because I did have to have a mask up when taking to J as I didn’t want him to worry about me etc. and just tired from all the walking around the site I did.
I’ve not planned like anything for the appointment, I’ve wrote thing down like I’ve been struggling with the SH urges (and giving into them), the suicidal thoughts and how I’m stockpiling meds (if I get my prescription today or Monday I’ll have 5 weeks that I haven’t taken)- I know she will want to discuss why I’ve not been taking them etc., then that I want to potentially look at the crisis plan again, she might do this if she knows I’ve been struggling a lot.
I might do some writing today - we’ll try to do creative writing - or I might draw or doodle a bit
Thanks for the message
Hey @Lottie5433 thanks for being so open about what's been going on for you. Holding this in especially during a day whenn your phsyically active must be so exhausting, I hope you managed to get some rest afterwards. If you don't mind me asking, how did that conversation go with your partner?
I understand your feelings towards the appointment, it's okay so feel like this and well done for writing down what you you've been struggling with, these sounds like really important points that would be great to discuss in the appoitment.
A creative day sounds like a such a kind way to give yourself a moment to breath, let us know how this goes!
Thank you @Verity for the comment.
the conversation with my partner went okay I guess. Like we only started talking about it because he said he’d never lie to me and I just said I wouldn’t too, so that brought up the conversation of I’m not always honest like telling him when I’ve SH-ed and that. So that started the conversation of he will go to extremes to make sure I can’t hurt myself, he said he’d get a box that he can lock and put all the craft knives in, all the knives and my razor blades. He then said if he had to he’d check me after I’ve showered and things just to make sure I’ve not done anything. Like I get why he’d do it but in a way it just makes me feel like I’m a child if he was to do that.
well it’s a half creative day as I’m at work but in the evening I’ll try to draw or write as that’s when I typically struggle more
Hey @Lottie5433 it sounds like a complicated sitaution but it's great you are having such vunerable conversations with your partner. I can understand how them going to extremes might make you feel like a child, anyone in this situation could feel this might be overbearing, even if these actions are only coming from a place of care for your safety.
Do you feel safer knowing that they could be taking these steps to 'check' you or do you feel mostly unheard/frustrated? It's okay not to know right now, this might be something that comes up when you are in the situation.
hi @Verity
Yeah it is a complicated topic to talk about, since the conversation it’s like I feel I need to ask “do you trust me to be safe” whenever I shower and that, like I did that today when I showered.
im I’m not sure how I feel, like I guess I feel unheard with the fact I’ve said “when my parents took away the craft knives, it made me feel like a child and made me find other way to hurt myself more in secret” so I feel unheard in that way.
I did some drawings when I was at work today, now me and my partner have gone shopping and I’m just so annoyed at myself and frustrated because I kept making mistakes on the roundabouts and I’m angry with myself.
I just want to get rid of the feeling and I can’t think how other than hurting myself because that always works
I’m going to try and distract myself with shopping and see how I go
@Lottie5433 It makes sense you feel unheard and suffocated when your partner checks on you so often about your self-harm, that's completely understandable. I'm wondering, what would your ideal support look like from your partner and your parents?
Doing some drawings at work and going shopping with your partner sounds like a good day to distract yourself and to get some rest. I'm hearing that you're being hard on yourself for making mistakes on roundabouts, these things happen, but it's understandable you're feeling frustrated with yourself. I'm curious, how are you feeling now that you've managed to get some shopping done?