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@Cutelivejazz you being a chatty person is actually an awesome trait to have. Just wanted to let you know that if you didn't already. It sounds extremely difficult to have gone through all of that bullying. I was on the receiving end of bullying myself for my accent and being a loner, and the level some bullies went to was really bad. Bullying is a cruel thing to go through, and it must really be scary for former bullies to be put in a class with you.
For one, you had every right to have gotten upset when you heard those inappropriate things, and nobody had the right to tell you that you were being too sensitive. Secondly, doxing is outright criminal, and a terrifying thing to experience. Third, there is zero issue with crying, it's called being human. And fourth it takes a lot of courage to tell somebody about having a crush on them, and it's beyond cruel it was used to bully you.
For what it's worth, i was carer from the age of 11, along with my mum for my brother who is severely autistic (he has the mind of a 1 year old essensially at age 18 currently, no speech, no comprehension of words, no mental understanding of anything, and prone to angry meltdowns against my mum) so it was school, home, school, home, always for me 24/7. And as he would screech and make noises during the nights, i wouldn't be able to sleep till like 4 or 5 am most nights, which would make me late to school, and i got break and lunch and after school detentions for persistent late's, every single day. So at no stage did i ever get the chance to socialise or make friends, or develop social skills, so I was a loner who sat at the back of class alone also. So i really do understand why it's such a scary thing, being alone in class, and being seen as the weird one (in my case for having all the social skills of a long extinct dodo bird). it's a really valid concern to have, with your past experience of being bullied and how horrific it was.
The good news is by the sounds of it, academically, it's going well for you. So there is good news. It might just be that right now, the maths hw is a bit too easy, and not challenging enough, but trust me, maths can always get more challenging as you advance through it. It might be worth just avoiding your former bullies and reporting any incidents if they happen regarding the bullying though.
@Cutelivejazz night jazz, take care
Huge hugs to all here. I know it's tough without support chat being on for so long, but I have seen a couple of new mods in chat this week, so hopefully that will mean it'll be on more from now on - I guess trainee mods need to have more help in their first chats so more mods are needed.
This is a classic example of how everyone pulls together tho isn't it, it's lovely to see
Yeah agreed, it is really kind and awesome of you to make this thread with no support chats being on, your just such a caring soul mate, but remember to care for yourself too.
Sorry I know I said I was going to be on and help out where I can so you didn't have to do it alone but as I said something came up unexpectedly that was important. Hope you got on alright though.
How are you feeling about that?
I hope that goes well
@independent_ thanks independent. It's really important i think that there is at least some kind of alternative out there for people who rely on support chat.
@Animalloverb thanks mate. It really does mean a lot to me. The same goes for you too about looking after yourself, as best as you can. And don't ever feel like you need to apologise mate, you've got nothing to be sorry about. Don't ever feel like there's an obligation. You need to take care of important matters first and foremost, and look after yourself. You have a heart of gold mate, spare a little kindness for yourself too.
Thank you for sharing all of that with us here, it sounds like you have been carrying around so much pressure, hurt, and frustration for such a long time. From what you’ve written, I can see how deeply the bullying, the weight comments, the stress of exams, and even your family’s reactions have impacted how you see yourself and your body. That
Is a lot for anyone to deal with, especially while you have also been pushing yourself academically and coping with panic attacks.
None of this is your fault. The bullying, the pressure, the way people made comments about your body that is on them, not you. It's not fair and it is awful that it happens but it's not because of you, your not to blame.
Your worth is not tied to your weight, height, or exam grades. It might feel that way because of how people around you have treated you, but those things don’t define you as a person. Exam grades don't always mean anything, you can be so successful if you fail many exams.
The cycle you described (restricting food → praise → exhaustion → comfort eating → guilt) is something many people go through, and it’s a sign of how harsh your environment has been, not a sign of weakness on your part. Your doing so well and this cycle is a way your body and mind are trying to gain control of something that then turns into an endless cycle.
I also want to acknowledge how hard it must have been to sit in that exam and feel frozen, unable to move your hand. That doesn't mean you have failed or that your a failure, that is your body saying “I’m overwhelmed.” The fact you managed to even show up in those conditions is proof of how strong you are.
You are not broken. You have been surviving in really tough conditions, and your body has been doing its best to protect you even if it doesn’t always feel like it. Healing your relationship with food, your body, and yourself will take time, but you have already shown courage by opening up here.
I'm trying as best as I can and that's all anyone can really do. And thank you, I appreciate it and it does mean a lot.
Hope your doing alright, I know you say your just surviving which I know must be so difficult, especially when you have been feeling that way for such a long time.
I will be around on here for anyone that wants to talk about anything today, I will reply to people as soon as I can so your not doing it alone.
im nervous
thanks
@Cutelivejazz I really understand grudges over things like that. It's completely valid anger. Panic attacks are not something that you should ever be punished for. It's something you should have been given total support over. They are scary enough as it is, yet they left you alone with it, and made you cry. The school talk of safeguarding, yet when someone needs support, they seem to punish and abandon them. For what it's worth, this trend of punishing people who need support is something i'm familiar with, and the anger you have over it, I wish i could say from my experience that the anger fades over time, but for me it never did.
So, a bit of context, for my grudge. My brother is severely autistic. As in, mental capacity of a 1 year old at a push at age 18 currently, not mentally capable enough to comprehend words, and he just makes random noises. As my brother would make screeching and other random noises throughout the night, he wouldn't stop really until the early hours, so i wouldn't be able to sleep till like 4 or 5 am most nights. And i was always, as a result, someone who overslept when i finally was able to get to sleep. That made me late, every day. Which is to be expected on less than 2 -3 hours sleep if lucky. Now for my older sister, who was on a completely different floor from the noises, her head of year gave her immunity from late detentions, was understanding, and allowed her to leave class and take a nap in the sick room to catch up on sleep whenever she wanted. My head of year, despite me being younger, and the most heavily impacted, was ruthless. Break detention was standard for late's, for persistent late's (more than 5 late's a year) they added a lunch detention on top, and as that didn't change anything as it wasn't something i was doing intentionally, they kept upping the punishment just for me, until the result was a lengthy afterschool detention on top. So, 20 minute break time, 40 minute lunch time, and it varied between 30-45 minute detentions after school detentions combined. All of this, while my sister got immunity despite being less effected. They took the only time in my life that I had that wasn't committed totally as a carer for my brother and bodyguard for my mum, where i didn't have to be on standby at every single second, and they kicked me further into the dirt, stripping me of my chance to have even an hour of a normal life growing up. Eventually, to stop myself from passing out during the day, because that amount of sleep was causing me to struggle to keep awake, i had to start drinking energy drinks, roughly 4 a day just to keep me going. My grades declined over a few years, Mock exam 1 was my highest, 2nd mock my second highest, third mock, my third highest, and my final GCSE's was the lowest of the 4, and nobody ever cared. Eventually, i put on a fair amount of weight and had severe heart palpitations from the energy drinks, and was told i was gonna likely have a heart attack very soon based on my blood pressure and the pattern of heart palpitations i described. I genuinely think my school was either grievously sadistic and actually wanted to inflict as much harm as possible on me, or they made the most clueless idiotic string of decisions in history. Either way, i have an intense hatred for them, and believe that via there policies, they brought me to the point of near death.
You're anger is valid, and your frustration at the system that was supposed to support you but punished you instead is entirely okay to have. Speaking from personal experience, sometimes, these grudges don't get resolved, there's never an okay answer, it's just about learning to live with it sometimes.
edit: Just writing a response to your other post now
It's okay to feel nervous, many people feel nervous when starting college, it's a scary thing and a big change.
yeah it is
hi again
@Cutelivejazz Hey jazz, sorry about that. My mum called me to run a fair few errands for her. I only got back about 20 minutes ago. I should have said something before i popped off, my bad. I promise you haven't done anything wrong. And i promise you aren't being pushy or annoying at all.
hi.
@Cutelivejazz that sounds truly heartbreaking. You shouldn't have had to have suffered through that at all. Body image issues can be truly crushing at times, and i'm so sorry you felt you had to skip meals to the point of sickness, with some truly nasty bullies making it worse. For what little it's worth, i remember being pushed by my school system, as i previously mentioned, to have to drink energy drinks to the point of being overweight and nearly having a heart attack, just to not pass out, and i ate like crazy too as it was the only thing that was enjoyable in my life. Comfort eating is something that happens when there is extreme stress. It's not a lack of willpower, it's not something that is always controllable, it's caused by extreme stress, and given the lack of support you've had, and how your mental health challenges have been dismissed and even punished at some points, as well as exam stress, it's entirely understandable having that and poor diet issue struggles because of that all.
tw weight
Now, as for bottling things up after everything with the maths teacher and the destruction of what was your safe space, and lack of support from your parents, it is completely understandable, and i think most people when they lose there safe place, they tend to do the same. But bottling things up, especially in the long run isn't sustainable. It might work for a short while, but over time, it breaks people down. I'm glad you feel comfortable in this community getting help and support and being able to talk about these issues friend.
Now, as for what you said about the exams, i know how heartbroken you must be about that. To have a valid mental health struggle stop you from reaching your academic potential must have been painful, and to not reach the predicted grades, i know how heart-breaking that all is. But here's the important thing. You still did amazingly. Higher than average I believe a 6 is, even despite the most challenging circumstances, and that is something to be proud of. How many others go through the kind of battles you have, with an unsupportive "support system", who punish you instead of helping you, and still manage to secure a higher than average grade? What you did, is achieve good grades in the face of hardship and difficulty with no real support. That is remarkable, and that is something that you should take a huge amount of pride in. (agreed, history as a gcse subject does suck)
Sorry this took a fair while. I rewrote it like 4 times.