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@Cutelivejazz okay. wow, that is a lot of hardship. First things first, that is unimaginably cruel of the supposed "support network" around you. Your parents shouldn't be dismissing any of it, let alone yelling at you for struggling for months over it. You deserve support, kindness, and understanding. To be screamed at, put on the spot and shamed by your mom like that, and to have your schools safeguarding and wellbeing people, and your GP be that useless is just horrific to endure. I need to say this next part and it's vital you understand this - That's a failure of them and the system, not of you.
And having anxiety meltdowns isn't something that you should be punished for depending on someone else's reaction to it. You should be getting extra support, perhaps a counsellor and whatever support measures put in place that you need. Things like being allowed to take a break from class if it ever got too anxiety triggering and things like that should be offered to you. That there has been punishment for mental health struggles is just straight up evil. I can't think of any other word for it. Just breathe is useless advice and a clear dereliction of duty when you clearly need more support. No wonder you've been left feeling drained and exhausted worried for the next challenge. You've had every single thing stacked against you with this last challenge (your GCSE's).
And it must be such a horrific blow, to have had what you thought was a safe environment, turn out to have a real monster in it. Was there ever any offer of counselling or support for that, because the impact it must have had is just unimaginable.
Now about the thoughts and urges. I really do understand that. Truly. I have a documented case on my medical record of SH myself. It's a long story, but it was in a severe episode of depression and emotional numbness. It's really scary the thought of it on your medical record, but the thing is, once you've gone for a while without any mental health issues, that is always taken into consideration. When i apply for my Australian or US visa, it's probably gonna come up. But so long as you can get a note from a therapist or doctor, show you've gone a period of time without mental health issues, it's not always a barrier. Even the Army tried to get me to enlist for the UOTC and when i told them of my mental health history, they told me if i've gone a few years without anything, i'll be fine (i didn't apply sadly). Mental health issues aren't the barrier that they used to be. But it's important that if you need support, you get it.
And whatever doctor said your a kid and kids can't have those thoughts, there is a very very long list showing that they can.
And finally, and most importantly, the world would be a much darker place without you in it. The system has been cruel, the organisations and people who are supposed to support you have been cruel, and you have not been given the support you deserve, but their failures does not mean the world would be better without you. It just means that they are a bunch of utter twats.
@Cutelivejazz no don't worry, you haven't said anything. I type pretty slowly, and was writing a pretty long response as thoughtfully as i could which was why it was taking a while. Please don't ever feel like you've said something wrong, or that you've done anything wrong. I'm just slow at typing out responses. If i ever had an issue, i would say it, I wouldn't ghost or stop responding. And never say sorry for asking. it's all okay friend.
@Cutelivejazz btw, never say sorry for talking to much. There's no such thing as talking too much on here. I've said this to countless people, but i don't care if what people are struggling with is 1 word or 10,000 words. You're entitled to vent about everything, it's never annoying and it's never too much. You're always going to be listened to here always. The rest of the world might ignore your struggles, but nobody in this community will.
@Cutelivejazz i'm a bit of a night owl, so you aren't disturbing me at all. As i said, this is a place where you don't have to be alone. We even had a running laugh on here that me and another user used to be the midnight gang, so don't ever worry about that.
I'm just gonna write up a reply now.
@Cutelivejazz don't worry. it's okay to assume things like that. Especially with anxiety, it's normal to be worried and have those concerns. You aren't being pushy at all. I promise. I should have said i was writing a response to begin with, so my bad.
The thing is, not a single person is perfect in this world. Everybody is human, everybody has struggles and everybody needs support from time to time, and anyone who expects perfection is going to be waiting a very long time. It's just wrong that you've been made to feel bad and guilty for needing a little support. Everybody stumbles a little in life, that doesn't make that person any lesser at all. I can promise, you'll never be made to feel guilty for being human on here.
Now, with psychologists, counsellors, and therapists, they are like any other profession. There are good ones, bad ones, and legendary ones. I got bad luck in college and got a bad therapist, which i cancelled after 1 session, and then I later had a really good one, who really helped me, like your most recent one did. For me it was only 4 sessions, but it really made an impact. About the first one making you cry, that is just wrong of them. Nobody should ever be forced into therapy, and no therapy session should ever make a person feel bad, or worse. But i'm glad you got a decent one eventually. Are you able to put in for further sessions with that counsellor you like, because she sounds like she really did understand you, and it sounds like it could really be beneficial. Especially as you navigate sixth form. As i said at the start, it's very important that you have that kind of support through that new challenge.
And on the topic of parents, I can understand being scared of parents. My dad was not a good man, and did some rather bad things to me. I won't go into detail, but he was a bad person. Arrested, went no contact, and he passed away now. Shouting, beatings, and a few other things, it did have an impact and it did scare me, at least emotionally. Closing yourself off after bad experiences with parents, such as being screamed at, which has a huge emotional impact, is totally understandable, especially if the things you have gone to them about was shut down with the whole comments they made about kids not having mental health issues. When i was suffering the worst of my health anxiety for example, it got really bad. Like washing my hands till they bled bad. And i went to my mum, opened up, and she told me not to talk about it, as it would impact my record if i sought help for it. So i didn't, and had a breakdown soon after. I rarely open up to her since. She also had a very short temper and would yell a huge amount, and changes mood every few days. One minute supportive, one minute not. So as i say, i fully understand what it's like to avoid telling parents about things, but it's important that you do have somebody to confide in, as leaving everything all bottled up and dealing with it by yourself is not good for the long run. As i mentioned, trying to go in for more counselling sessions (btw, you have a right i believe to request a change in counsellor if whoever you get next isn't good), will give you someone you can confide in about things.
And about your maths teacher, that just makes the whole situation even more heart breaking. I do know what you mean about him being a safe person for you, and being attached as like a favourite teacher and sort of support figure. It really does have a lot of impact having the rug pulled out from under you regarding that. It must have been really confusing the whole thing, seeing a completely different side to him, and to not only lose that support and safe space, but also to such evil circumstances, it's hard to comprehend. The most important thing right now i think, if you don't mind me suggesting, is getting some sort of support put in place. Such as trying to request more counselling session with that counsellor. Also, it may be a bit of a stretch, but, with certain past memories that may be difficult, a therapist might be able to help to unpack that. Do you know the difference between a counsellor and a therapist at all?
And your absolutely welcome. I'm just sorry that you've not had somebody to talk to about this all.
@Cutelivejazz not at all jazz, it's all good. I'm just really slow at responding. When i write a reply, i end up rewriting entire chunks of it, try to word things a different way, and just try and write as thoughtfully as i can which is why i'm pretty slow with replies. Sorry about that.
@Cutelivejazz Anxiety can be extremely difficult to overcome, and the catastrophising is completely worrying you about things, which is understandable. I know this won't make much difference, but i promise, you aren't annoying me, i'm not pissed at anybody, and i promise i don't hate you at all. In fact, if you look through my account, you can see that i'm happy to be helping people. I've only been on the mix for 4 months myself, and i love offering what support and kind words i can.
Please rant about whatever it is that your struggling with, and don't ever feel like you can't. I'm listening friend.
@Cutelivejazz i know how overwhelmed you are right now, and how drained and exhausted everything has made you. I think anybody who's gone through what you have would feel the same, but as little consolation as this is, it can always get better. Even at times when there doesn't seem to be light at the end of the tunnel, and you're at rock bottom, there still is light, it's just hard to see at times.
Think of it a bit like a storm. And the storm has thrown so much at you. But with every storm, if you hold on, all storms pass. It's the holding on that's tricky. What helped me was finding small moments of happiness, as fleeting as it was (for me feeding the ducks and then having the ducks follow me whenever i walked through the park after), and looking forward to that. That was like an anchor, keeping me going through the worst of everything. Until things got easier and the storm passed.
@Cutelivejazz Okay, well, let's look at some other options then? So the Mix actually offer a counselling service that you can do, 8 sessions i think, and it's anonymous, you can do it online via webchat, via phone call or video chat even. That's one option. I think shout do a support line too, texting based, entirely anonymous, which can offer short term support, not exactly counselling sessions but short term immediate support, and i can find a few others for you if you like.
@Cutelivejazz i know that feeling really well sadly. It can end up hurting a lot. That's why it's important that if your able to, have as many things as possible to serve like an anchor in the storm, not just one. Again, it doesn't matter how small, or silly, or odd it is. Whatever puts even the smallest smile on your face, and makes you happy for even a short fleeting moment. Hold on for each of those moments. Doesn't matter if it a new TV series, feeding the ducks, anything. So even if one is a bit of a let down, there's still other things to look forward to, and more to be excited about in future.
@Cutelivejazz i absolutely love fun facts. I could sit and talk fun facts for days. Please don't ever say sorry for telling me some.
So, depending on where you are, you might be able to self refer yourself to NHS talking therapy's.
@Cutelivejazz that sounds extremely difficult. You shouldn't have to wait to leave home to get the support you deserve. If i were you, i would consider asking if your sixth form can help you in any way. For example, they might let you use an empty room and lend you a laptop to be able to access online counselling or therapy potentially, without the constant explanations and lectures from family.
@Cutelivejazz i once put my phone in the fridge and my chocolate bar in my pocket, when i meant to put my phone in my pocket and chocolate bar in the fridge. Trust me, i have those aghh moments too.