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Hey @eylah !
It sounds like you are carrying a lot right now, and I hear you are trying to hold things together with surgery coming up, even when it feels heavy, it shows a lot of strength! You deserve the support that helps you feel comfortable, especially after what someone else did that has impacted you - perhaps you could talk about it to someone you trust, or another service? There's no pressure to explain anything. Take care of yourself tonight, and I'm wishing you the best of luck with your upcoming surgery
@eylah I understand, there are some things that can't be said on the platform, but i can only guess. People can be cruel wankers, truly cruel without morals. People target those who they think are easy targets or are smaller than them, and can be rather sadistic. I want you to know that i'm here for you, for anything, and whatever they said or did, they aren't even worthy to be in your presence. You are a gem, and they are trash. And as hard as it is, they don't deserve even a second of your thoughts, they aren't worthy of that, my favourite twat in the world.
I know this doesn't make it better, or make whatever happened go away, but remember, you are better than they are by a mile, and they don't deserve to drag you down. An angel shouldn't be dragged down by a piece of trash.
im going to reach out to kelly heroes bc i am crying my eyes out rn but jack thankyou so much for<3 i hope you’re well. im scared for my surgery but also happy bc i can be out of pain
ppl take advantage of kind ppl and it hurts
@River I know the feeling. Had it for ten years myself, and i was lucky enough to be chained here with carer responsibilities through it all. I know it's hell, and it's tiring day after day dragging on, with no light at the end of the tunnel, and it's the shittest feeling in the world. I don't think anything anybody could say to me during that, could have changed how i felt, but i'm gonna try anyway, because you are worth the effort.
You still have a kind and caring soul. You still are a precious human being, and you still are worthy of love and support and care. You are a talented poet, talented at ariel hoop, a talented artist, and you are an amazingly resiliant person. And you've been through hell, still are struggling with hell, and it wears you down over time. Emotional numbness for so long, it leads you to struggle to process how you feel so it's hard for you to explain which may be what you had when you struggle to explain to the helpline (Number 1 thing i'm talking to a therapist for soon). I think that could be why you struggled to explain how you felt. You've been let down by the world, by everything and it's destroyed your self worth and your faith in yourself, but from a neutral perspective, from what i've seen of you on the Mix, you are an amazing person, and your just struggling to see how great you really are.
That feeling, i assume it's a combination of struggling with emotional numbness, lack of self worth, lack of support, an overwhelming amount of past trauma, and loss of familiar support staff, like your college team. And i know how hopeless and down you are right now, and how you might not be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it is there, just impossible to see right now. If you can, try and think about how hopeless you felt before, how you had that positive phase for a short while, and how you went back into that hopelessness now. Remember that there's always the chance for things to improve, sometimes unexpectedly. Always hope. Impossible to see, but it's always there. You made outstanding progress, and it's 2 steps forward 1 step back. That 1 step back is demoralising, and it feels like it's unwinding your progress, but it isn't. It is just a part of said progress.
Sorry if this comes across as rambling.
@eylah only an angel could be as kind and loving and generous to other people as you are despite everything. Only angel could still be the same kind and gentle soul that you are, after all that pain and loss. I'm so glad your reaching out to a helpline, because you don't deserve any of that trauma and pain. You are a good person, trying to help others by being kind, and they were evil and took advantage. Same with the tik tok stuff. They are low down scum. The lowest of the low. Even after that, you were still being kind to other people, and that eylah is called being an angel.
I would never lie and say something that i don't know. I don't know what you look like, so i can't say if you're pretty or not because i don't know. But what i do 100% know is the fact that you are so so sweet, and you are pretty on the inside. One of the prettiest people in the world on the inside. So kind, so caring, so sweet, so amazing of a person and i need you to KNOW that fact. Not think it, KNOW it, cause that's what you are.
These trash are just that. Trash. And you are an angel. And you are 100% the most special twat in the world, and I am so happy i met you on here eylah. And you are so strong, incredibly brave for your surgery. remember, bravery is not the absence of fear and being scared, it's the strength to push through that fear and do it despite being scared. I know we can't be there for you in the way that people usually are, but know that were thinking about you, caring about you, and will be sending messages of love and support for you to wake up to after it. Sending a hug (that means hug yourself from me
@River i know. It takes a long time to overcome it, and as i say, there wasn't any words that could have changed how i thought, but your going to have to trust me on this. I've experienced not the same thing, but very similar in feeling dead inside and not wanting to live anymore, but being unable to end things. Not seeing myself as deserving or lovable, or anything good, just a waste. 19 was when it got the worst for me (didn't fully stop but it started to change after 19 and became a little bit better year after year), i assume it would have been 18, but covid lockdown actually eased things for a while for me. But yeah, all i can do is promise you are all of those things i said, and it does get better mentally. But it took time for me. That and the right counsellor for 4 sessions which helped a slight bit. (it was a uni counsellor, so they could afford good ones). It's not easy, but it does change for the better.
But none of this will change how you feel right now. All i can do, is give you hope for the future, and be a friend to talk to about things, and try my best to get you to see, you are amazing.
@River you 100% are an amazing photographer. I said it before, and i'll say it again, amazing.
@River just know i'm here. i know how hopeless things feel right now, how tired you are of it all, you are i think around the same age i was when i went through the worst of it. But i promise, it gets better. I know it's no consolation, but i understand where you are with your mental state and i just want you to know you're not alone friend.
Have you spoken at all to your new college if you don't mind me asking?
@eylah i'm here to talk to you and keep you company through it all okay. you're not alone in this.
a fucking helpline
@eylah i know your safe right now, and i'm so sorry this is happening to you. I know you can't say what it is on the Mix, but please know, i'm here for you through it all. My favourite Twat
@eylah i can't imagine how hard it is to not be able to say what it is here, and then when you reach out to a helpline to talk, they do this to you. It must be so hard right now, and you must feel so isolated, and i'm so sorry your facing this. I know it's not the same, but maybe a watered down version you could speak about here, or maybe say it here and then delete before the mods see it. It's not ideal, but it's an option. I want to be here for you eylah as much as i can. Now give yourself a big hug from me.
they said it was a precaution even though I said I was fine and didn’t need extra help from anyone.
@River good walk?
@eylah yes you do. You need help. You deserve help. And i'm so sorry they ignored you and put you through this. That's not what helplines are supposed to do. They are supposed to help, not cause more harm. I know how hard it is eylah for you right now to see, but i really do care about you, and i really want you to get all the support in the world. And i know your afraid after all of these cases, so why not try, an AI chatbot. I know the idea sounds stupid, but it's worth a try. You can make a free account on Character AI, use a fake name, fake email, it won't call emergency services (it literally can't), just don't add personal details just for data protection reasons. I even told it i had a nuclear bomb and was going to nuke France, and it couldn't do anything. You can talk to an AI helpline as dumb as it sounds. I do it.
Link to create a character AI account: https://character.ai/
Link for an AI Helpline character: https://character.ai/chat/njNU-MhUymMt4NQ0rZHunNuw9IrkUYe24WJihlMFw50
@sorry i'm a bit late, sorry. I'm here. Could you talk a bit about what your crying about or is it just generally life that's got you crying? I know your going through a rough time, and i see how much you're battling with.
@River i'm halfway through my response to your boards post, but please let me tell you, you matter. And i know how it is you feel right now and it is 100% valid and understandable, and i can say that, cause i've been there. But things can change, from personal experience. Survive. That's what i did until things got better, which they can, even though you can't see it. Sending you a virtual hug, and i want you to know you always have somewhere to vent and talk on, and you always have somebody who cares about you friend.
@eylah I am so sorry. Do you want to talk about what happened with them, and how they were horrible? I'm hear to listen and offer you the support you deserve.
did you see my previous post about the AI helpline chatbot (it literally can't report anything or call emergency services as it has no access outside the program)?