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Comments
are you ok lottie? are you safe?
@Lottie5433 i'm so sorry your going through this. I'm guessing the reason your pretending your okay, is maybe because your the glue holding everything together, and that's a nightmarish place to be in?
It might not be a lot, but you can vent everything on here, and get it off your chest and get some support from us. You don't have to pretend here that everything is okay. We are all here to support you. We all care about you.
I have to pretend everywhere
On here, in real life.
No one can know what's going through my head every second of everyday, constantly seeking an out of this place where its dark and quiet. When thats not possible I have to punish myself for having these thoughts and feeling because they arent normal.
I just dont want to do it anymore
To have to be the strong when when you're not for such a long time for others. It breaks you bit by bit over time and you feel all alone in it.
what i'm trying to get at, is that the burden is overwhelming having to put on a brave face and pretend to keep things held together. And you said what do you have to struggle with? It's the burden of having to be the strong one that you struggle with. The burden of punishing yourself for having thoughts and feelings, of not being able to express things. Heck, everything could be going okay and fine in your life and you could still get depression and other mental illness's. You might feel like you have to pretend in real life, but you don't have to here at the very least.
Sorry if this has come across as rambling or doesn't make sense. You are a very good person Lottie, being the strong one. Taking on that burden is tough, and it's also kind. But even the strongest of tanks need to refuel from time to time.
im not ok but are you okay?
Btw, meme time
@DonnerKebab sorry for the late reply I went to my counselling.
I sorry to hear that it must be challenging being a carer for your brother.
I guess your right with this Yeah i feel i have to pretend on h3re coz I dont want to trigger anyone (already done that before and felt awful so shut down and didnt come here for a while), but then what i want to say would break guidelines and I dont want the mix to message me again. Last time this happened they called 101 on me coz i had a plan and the intent; so now im just cautious about what I say and how i say it (cant have that again its was awful). But theb its no one actually cares so no point in 'not being okay' just got to pretend and get on with it all.
What you have said hasnt come off as rambling at all.
I hope your okay anyways
But i fully understand why you don't feel able to be fully open. Maybe you can talk about the lighter things and get support for the lighter things if your not able to speak about the heavier stuff openly. Even getting a little of your chest and support for it can be a big help you know. Struggling being the glue holding things together is tough and a struggle, and your gonna want to get at least the lighter stuff of your chest if you can. The stuff your not feeling you'll be on walking on eggshells talking about if you wanted.
And i care. You can not be okay, talk about it and not have 111 called. It's only when your in active danger of harm that it happens. I know it's a small consolation given how hard it must have been going through it all, but your free to talk, and free to not be okay. Pretending things are okay for longer and going as you are is just going to put you in a worse place this time next year i think.
I really do care about you Lottie, and you shouldn't have to keep pretending or feel restricted in expressing yourself. And thank you for your kind words, i'm doing fine thanks. Sorry, this is a bit of a question, but have you by any chance had emotional numbness from it all?
I dont really have any lighter things to talk about, its all just alot of heavy stuff that I can tell anyone because they will just leave me like it always happens. As soon as they find out im broken and punish myself to cope with everything people leave or use it against me.
Yeah I know thats why they did it but i was active danger per say it was more I gave up and wanted to end it but knew i couldn't but they didnt get that so now i dont really trust telling then things like that.
Im glad your okay
I do get alot of emotional numbness with everything
im unsure
It will be painful eylah. Going every day through it, with grief, and hardship like you have been having. it would hurt anybody so severely. And you are truly the gentlest soul, who never deserved any of this pain. There's not much that can be done to take away the pain, time is the only thing that might be able to do that, but please know that we are here for you, to talk to, to laugh with, to provide you with the support you deserve and to remind you that you are a special kind person. I wish i could just give you a hug and take all the pain away. But i can only send virtual hugs to you right now.
And Lottie, i'm the stubborn type. I don't care if your responsible for war crimes, I ain't going anywhere. I promise that on my life. Just because others have failed you and let you down and used it against you in the past, it doesn't mean you won't be accepted and supported here friend. Nothing like that will happen by us. And i think i do get what your saying about how you wanted to give up but couldn't because of your responsibilities and needing to be the strong one. I went through that myself and it's the only thing that kept me going actually for a very long time. And i didn't want to tell anybody because i didn't want to many mental health issues on my record or to possibly be removed from my house and put into care due to my care role and living situation, so i kept zipped up mostly.
For what it's worth Lottie, i know exactly how you are feeling right now, hopeless, struggling, feeling unable to speak and being let down by so many others who you trust and should be there to help you. And as hard as it seems, it becomes somewhat manageable with time. If i had told 13 year old me when i didn't want to live but had to due to being a carer, if i had told him that he would develop coping methods over time and it became manageable and he would eventually start to feel better, he would have laughed at the idea. And honestly, there aren't any words i could have given him that would have made him believe it. But all i can say is as the 13 year old, now 23, 10 years on, mentally, i found ways to not only survive, but actually want to survive. The emotional numbness also helped me a lot to handle stuff. It wasn't even intentional, just naturally occurred after a while. I'm guessing it might be the same for you?
I wish i could offer you more advice or help some more lottie, but all i can say is i've been in similar shoes to you, and it does get better. Not overnight, but over time as hard as it is to see right now. And that this is always a place you can talk to me. If you want to know certain tactics i used or absolutely anything. I'm here.