Anxious, burnt out and afraid:((

Its is pure vent honestly, though advise or other inputs r welcome. Tw: mentioning school and a suicide attempt
____________

I feel so drained lately. The last school year finally caught up to me after i went to the other city in the very beginning of july. I’m in an autistic burnout and it’s just awful. Loss of skills and ability to mask especially throws me off. I will meet with some distant relatives soon and i dread this moment. No motivation for anything too.

I also have a crippling anxiety about school, i dont know how i will survive this year, i fear I’ll get kicked from my class (that is a part of a program that made some more advanced math oriented classes and has a big competition because it’s prestigious) due to poor performance in russian language and literature (i live in russia). Though it’s not likely, cause lotsa people left this year already, Im still afraid. When school will start i fear i won’t be able to do anything because of my executive dysfunction and general fatigue caused by immense stress. The worst part is that I won’t have any excuse for that because i was practically denied adhd and autism diagnoses because my mother lied and also I didn’t look neurodivergent enough. I’ll have to mask every day, at home too. I’ll have to work even harder because I’ll have exams this year (ОГЭ).

I fear that I’d get suicidal again because of that. I dont want to go through that anymore. I already had an attempt last year.

Because i live in russia I’ll also have to survive through copious amounts of pro war propaganda, and i can’t even say anything because AT BEST I’ll get bullied for that. I have ukranian relatives, and I can’t even defend them. I don’t want to live among these fucking russian orcs.

Also cause my anxiety got worse I can’t do most things because im afraid of failure. I also cant just exist w/o music/YouTube/whatever in the background because my thoughts will rush in so many different directions, and i will eventually spiral into anxiety.

My adhd got worse too. I rarely can keep attention on anything for more than 15 minutes, my memory is in shambles, im restless, got sleep problems, so fatigue worsens, can’t finish anything!

Trichotillomania came back too. I plucked out one third of my lashes on every eyelid. And some head hair.

Im anxious around my mom. Though its a usual one.

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Comments

Azziman

Hey @dZhenGa, we hear you. Thank you for having the courage to share your experience here with us. I can imagine it may not have been easy, it's a brave thing to do

I can hear how there's a lot on your mind at the moment - concerns about your wellbeing, health, school, medical assessments, politics etc. That's a lot to have to think about in one go! I hope that being able to express these thoughts here helped to provide an outlet for your feelings.

I want to say, your feelings and experiences are valid. I'm sorry to hear that you feel you were denied diagnoses. Is there someone at school that you might be able to speak to about your concerns? Whether you have a diagnosis or not, your struggles are valid and you deserve support if you feel you need it.

You mention that you dread seeing family members. What is about seeing family that makes you feel uncomfortable? Is there something that can be done to make this more comfortable for you?

It sounds like you're really concerned about your mental wellbeing. Is it possible for you to speak to a doctor or counsellor about your worries? Or is there someone that you can feel you can speak to about these concerns that can help?

Feel free to keep using this thread/forum to express yourself if it helps you to have an outlet for your emotions. We're here to support you and listen to you through this

Former Member

@Azziman

I can hear how there's a lot on your mind at the moment - concerns about your wellbeing, health, school, medical assessments, politics etc. That's a lot to have to think about in one go! I hope that being able to express these thoughts here helped to provide an outlet for your feelings.

Yeah, it helps, cant talk to anyone irl, because im afraid of confrontations and being invalidated + my parents might get aggressive.

I want to say, your feelings and experiences are valid. I'm sorry to hear that you feel you were denied diagnoses. Is there someone at school that you might be able to speak to about your concerns? Whether you have a diagnosis or not, your struggles are valid and you deserve support if you feel you need it.

Thanks for the kind words! I doubt that school will help. Theoretically, i think they can write recommendations, but that usually doesn’t happen. Anyway in my case if I’ll ask for accommodations, without an official diagnosis school couldn’t do anything. Not even starting on the fact that my concerns will likely be dismissed by most people.(and because of my rejection sensitive dysphoria im terribly afraid of that) Good news that i stopped seeking an official diagnosis for now (before turning 18), because after talking to a specialist im a lot more confident in my conclusions. No one knows me better than I, after all. ʅ（◞‿◟）ʃ (I wrote a whole separate post about it. Here’s the link if you’re curious: https://community.themix.org.uk/discussion/3604770/i-didn-t-get-a-diagnosis-because-my-mom-lied-on-the-assessment )

You mention that you dread seeing family members. What is about seeing family that makes you feel uncomfortable? Is there something that can be done to make this more comfortable for you?

It’s gender dysphoria mostly. They’re homophobic and also try to make me as girly as possible, and I’m afraid of doing anything about it (as usual ( TдT)) because of power dynamics. My uncle helps us financially and so if he wants something my family will pressure me, in this case, to do it. Though only if it doesn’t remove their ability to control me.
The only way of resolving these issues w them, that doesn’t leave me panicking is to go no contact when ill be stable enough on my own. For now im just trying to enjoy the privilege of living in a higher middle class family.

It sounds like you're really concerned about your mental wellbeing. Is it possible for you to speak to a doctor or counsellor about your worries? Or is there someone that you can feel you can speak to about these concerns that can help?

I hope i can resume sessions with a psychologist i used to work with. Though it will be hard, because i don’t have enough savings to pay for sessions anymore, so I’ll need to talk to my parents about it again. And I don’t want to, because they are unpredictable.

Yeah, generally that’s how things are. If there are any more questions u can ask them:3 (im desperate for attention/srs /lh)

eylah

im sry your having to go through this but pls know im here if you need anything.

we care abt you here

Former Member

@eylah thank you. Im ok in general, but sometimes i get anxious. Esp. when on my period(on which i was while writing my post)

eylah

dZhenGa wrote: »

@eylah thank you. Im ok in general, but sometimes i get anxious. Esp. when on my period(on which i was while writing my post)

ik how you feel periods hurt sm but i use hot water bottle to help ease it. or pain relief but make sure you tc when on your period as we need tlc during time of month. your not alone

AnonymousToe

dZhenGa wrote: »

Im ok in general, but sometimes i get anxious. Esp. when on my period(on which i was while writing my post)

@dZhenGa my anxiety is worse on my period too, nobody ever talks about it but yeah, I experience that.

Amy22

@AnonymousToe @eylah @dZhenGa Actually you raised a very interesting point there about menstrul pain and anxiety as its not often spoken about. I just wanted to also say your not alone in this either because I have been finding my anxiety worsens during my menstration cycle. I feel like this should be talked about more and its inspired me to maybe write a post or article on here about it eventually if you dont mind me doing so?. I also agree with what @eylah said as sometimes a hot water bottle can be helpful to ease period cramps. Are you able to take medication like paracetamol?. I normally take those and they help a lot with pain. Im always here too if you want to talk more about this, obviously no pressure though if you don't

.

Big hugs,

Amy22

Former Member

@Amy22 You absolutely should write about how periods affect anxiety levels, if you want to! I often notice that im more emotional on periods. Even when not in pain. And yeah i know that heat helps, but I choose paracetamol:p

Former Member

I will meet with some distant relatives soon and i dread this moment

A little update about my life!
Im now with those relatives, and it goes a bit better than I imagined. I can stim a little around them, and I have some alone time. Though I can’t fully unmask and be genuine. Now that im in burnout it’s even harder to mask. So going mute is a struggle. I have to force myself to mumble something out most of the time.
Also i have to touch nasty textures🤢 And the kids r too loud for their own good. I try to not dismiss my feelings and it’s hard(as usual when you have poor interoception), considering that my impostor syndrome Jeffrey( I gave it a name) made a comeback.(yes jeff im autistic, yes I don’t feel immediately what’s wrong because i struggle recognising my feelings, idiot)
In these conditions, combined with existing fatigue, im even more tired and irritable. Im spacing out a lot.
Though there’s some positives: outdoors is very pretty. When no one’s around and I can stim freely i feel like my heart is being pressed at, in a good way. I found some cool bugs that look like bigger , all black bumblebees. And their wings sometimes shimmer in purple and royal blue. And i saw a cicada that was maybe 8 or 9 centimetres long.

Amy22

dZhenGa wrote: »

@Amy22 You absolutely should write about how periods affect anxiety levels, if you want to! I often notice that im more emotional on periods. Even when not in pain. And yeah i know that heat helps, but I choose paracetamol:p

I definitely will consider doing this as I want to raise awareness of period pain affecting anxiety and emotions especially in neurodiverse folk too specifically those with autism.Oh yeah paracetamol can be a big life saver for cramps and pain. If I do write that article I will also tag you if you like?. I don't know if you know about this but I know that you can buy a tool called myoovi which is a device that goes around the stomach and helps with menstrual cramps. There are different modes and frequencies too. A lot of people tend to use them. I'll send a link here for you as well to research if your interested in them. This is what they look like:

Img description: A small oval device which matches the users skin colour and has different buttons you can use to increase and decrease the amount of heat/pain relief.

https://myoovi.co.uk/products/myoovi-kit?utm_source=google&utm_medium=paid&utm_campaign=15034407998&utm_content=126628666697&utm_term=oovi&gadid=597325046802&utm_source=google&utm_medium=paid&utm_campaign=15034407998&utm_content=126628666697&utm_term=oovi&gadid=597325046802&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjw2dG1BhB4EiwA998cqHwWaOvxhNFuic6cNhuZ_E-PpQYKScpT9EMk2iwVhbxaaffpA5-X8BoC2DwQAvD_BwE

Hope this helps

Former Member

@Amy22 Yeah, you can tag me if you want! And thanks for recommending this device! Haven’t heard about it, but will look into it.👍/gen