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I didn’t get a diagnosis because my mom lied on the assessment
Former Member
Posts: 26 Boards Initiate
Tldr: I tried to get an official diagnosis of asd and combined type adhd (I’ll call it audhd from now) and almost got it, but my mon denied that i have any traits, and also the specialist didn’t know how audhd may manifest in afab people.
Before the story i want to quickly describe my mother personality, cuz it’s important. Let’s call hem M btw.
So M has a narcissistic and manipulative mother. And a dad who is completely fine with said mother being that way. And though he’s a smart man he often treats his closest family ( me, M, and her mother, aka my meemaw) like shit. She also has a brother who high-key despises her. Though he helped us financially, because im fatherless.
That mix of people obviously made a pretty toxic and manipulative environment. So M turned out emotionally immature, narcissistic, antisocial, has low self esteem and anger issues. Also she doesn’t hesitate to shout and manipulate and threat her way to success, though she’s more subtle with other people. She treats me like a doll, a loved one for sure, but a doll. Also because M is narcissistic when i talk to her im always in this weird cycle of praise and pressure. I can’t predict how she’ll react to anything.
She doesn’t give me any autonomy over anything that she deems hers( me included). With that I obviously can’t unmask around her. Because she doesn’t like when im clumsy, forgetful, speak in the wrong tone, don’t show a lot of emotions, say im tired, etc. Pretty much anything that has to do with my disabilities is judged. Or she makes it about herself. She generally believes that im just lazy.
—————
Now to the story.
Somehow I managed to ask her to get me assessed. It wasn’t too hard because i had an autistic burnout + depressive episode couple years ago, so i had suicidal ideations, that I told her about, so i got therapy and i also was taking antidepressants for a year so M is aquatinted with all that jazz. The first time i met with the specialist( lets call them S) was online (im not from the us or uk so I could do that). From an online consultation S couldn’t diagnose me officially but they said that I likely had both. That’s great! Now I just need to go to them offline.
Fast forward a month, to an offline assessment. Im the first one to speak with S. I tell em that I’m pretty tired cause i had shutdowns for the past 3 days because we were in an another city and be visited a lot of museums. They nod. Then we speak for a bit, because she needed to see my body language. Then I exited and my mom entered. They spoke for an hour maybe, im not sure. After they were done, S invited me into the cabinet again, and told me that i dont have adhd nor autism. Why no adhd? Because I wasn’t “neurotic enough”. While if she looked at me more than 2 times she’d see that i was fiddling with everything that was in proximity of my hands, and that my eyes were scanning the room i was in. Idk maybe she thought that I’d run around the room like a 5 y o kid.
I obviously don’t think that that’s a sufficient reason to deny an adhd diagnosis. That means that M just said that i dont have any traits and in just lazy.
Thats what happened with autism too. S said that im like almost neurodivergent???? Huh??? She said that M said that i didn’t have any traits before puberty.(read it as: my kid was too afraid to be themselves around me, and now when they separate they gain confidence) Later that day M confirmed that that’s indeed what she thinks.
In the end i just got recommended some books about emotional regulation, cause M said that I’m too irritable (why wouldn’t i be, she violates my boundaries)
I hope you could tell me if im valid, thinking that that situation is bullshit and my self diagnosis is right.
Ps: sorry for an enormous about of the text in brackets, my brain is fried(metaphorically)
Before the story i want to quickly describe my mother personality, cuz it’s important. Let’s call hem M btw.
So M has a narcissistic and manipulative mother. And a dad who is completely fine with said mother being that way. And though he’s a smart man he often treats his closest family ( me, M, and her mother, aka my meemaw) like shit. She also has a brother who high-key despises her. Though he helped us financially, because im fatherless.
That mix of people obviously made a pretty toxic and manipulative environment. So M turned out emotionally immature, narcissistic, antisocial, has low self esteem and anger issues. Also she doesn’t hesitate to shout and manipulate and threat her way to success, though she’s more subtle with other people. She treats me like a doll, a loved one for sure, but a doll. Also because M is narcissistic when i talk to her im always in this weird cycle of praise and pressure. I can’t predict how she’ll react to anything.
She doesn’t give me any autonomy over anything that she deems hers( me included). With that I obviously can’t unmask around her. Because she doesn’t like when im clumsy, forgetful, speak in the wrong tone, don’t show a lot of emotions, say im tired, etc. Pretty much anything that has to do with my disabilities is judged. Or she makes it about herself. She generally believes that im just lazy.
—————
Now to the story.
Somehow I managed to ask her to get me assessed. It wasn’t too hard because i had an autistic burnout + depressive episode couple years ago, so i had suicidal ideations, that I told her about, so i got therapy and i also was taking antidepressants for a year so M is aquatinted with all that jazz. The first time i met with the specialist( lets call them S) was online (im not from the us or uk so I could do that). From an online consultation S couldn’t diagnose me officially but they said that I likely had both. That’s great! Now I just need to go to them offline.
Fast forward a month, to an offline assessment. Im the first one to speak with S. I tell em that I’m pretty tired cause i had shutdowns for the past 3 days because we were in an another city and be visited a lot of museums. They nod. Then we speak for a bit, because she needed to see my body language. Then I exited and my mom entered. They spoke for an hour maybe, im not sure. After they were done, S invited me into the cabinet again, and told me that i dont have adhd nor autism. Why no adhd? Because I wasn’t “neurotic enough”. While if she looked at me more than 2 times she’d see that i was fiddling with everything that was in proximity of my hands, and that my eyes were scanning the room i was in. Idk maybe she thought that I’d run around the room like a 5 y o kid.
I obviously don’t think that that’s a sufficient reason to deny an adhd diagnosis. That means that M just said that i dont have any traits and in just lazy.
Thats what happened with autism too. S said that im like almost neurodivergent???? Huh??? She said that M said that i didn’t have any traits before puberty.(read it as: my kid was too afraid to be themselves around me, and now when they separate they gain confidence) Later that day M confirmed that that’s indeed what she thinks.
In the end i just got recommended some books about emotional regulation, cause M said that I’m too irritable (why wouldn’t i be, she violates my boundaries)
I hope you could tell me if im valid, thinking that that situation is bullshit and my self diagnosis is right.
Ps: sorry for an enormous about of the text in brackets, my brain is fried(metaphorically)
4
Comments
I'm so sorry that you've had to go through this, it sounds like a lot. I just wanted to say that I'm proud of you for being confident enough in yourself and your experiences to first of all seek a diagnosis of audhd, as that's no easy feat in itself. Secondly, I understand that your mum hasn't been the most receptive to your feelings and hasn't made the journey to getting your diagnosis any easier. I'm sorry about this as well, it's super hard to feel validated in yourself when family members aren't particularly helpful or supportive.
Do you think it's worth seeking another assessment from a different provider? I believe you would be well within your right to do so. What do you think?
No, I’m not planning to pursue any other audhd assessments before turning 18 and moving to a different country.
I think I mentioned that I'm not in the uk or us, I’m from russia. And psychiatry here is very backwards. Considering that S was educated in the topic of asd (they couldn’t diagnose it otherwise), they still understood the term “spectrum” incorrectly. Aka “less autistic “ to more autistic”. And the term asperger’s is still used, even by professionals, though only in everyday speech, officially it’s not a different diagnosis.
Also there’s almost no specialists who can diagnose autism in teens or adults. I had to go to a different city to get mine personally, because I couldn’t find anyone in my city who i wasn’t wary of.
I suppose when I get older I could try insisting that my mother and I aren’t very close and her view of me is weird, but I couldn’t be denied a diagnosis all together. Or not, idk.
Also it would be easier because I’d be more emancipated from my not so supportive relatives, in order to have less awkward talks. Moving would also help me unmask better around other people, cause I’ll finally be able to do things my way.