Trying to cover as much as my struggles as possible (very long post)
I'm trying to talk about every worry I have because I’m dealing with a lot of different issues right now. I’m worried about my future and career, and financial concerns are adding to my stress. My financial situation isn’t great at the moment, and with the rising cost of living, I’m really worried about how I'll manage in the future. I believe that finding stable employment will help improve many of my issues, but finding a job has been my biggest challenge. I’ve faced setbacks, and nothing seems to be working out. Times just passing fast and im trying but nothing i hs changed yet. I’m terrified of being long-term out of work or even permanently unemployed; if that were to happen, I don’t know what I would do. I've even been worried about being homeless which would be terrifying.
My health is something i worry about, particularly because I’ve had a lot of takeaways and junk food during my birthday week, which is making me anxious. I’m celebrating with different people, but the indulgence is causing me to worry. I find myself overthinking almost everything, including every little mistake I make and things I did in the past. If I can’t do something a certain way or if something doesn’t go as planned, I overthink it and get caught up in negative thoughts. I also tend to overthink if I’m in an awkward situation or if people get frustrated or upset with me, replaying it in my mind and stressing over it. Even the smallest mistakes can become sources of overthinking.
I often get negative thoughts about myself during times when I’m supposed to be relaxing or enjoying myself. I struggle with boredom a lot, which only adds to my stress. I worry about relationships too, especially because I’m a short guy, which adds to my insecurities. Worries about what others think of me only make things harder. I’m a bit sensitive about work-related topics, although I used to be really sensitive about them. I’m troubled by the fear of being seen as a bad person and not reaching my goals. On top of that, I’m scared of failing in life and feel stuck, especially with my low moods and the challenge of making progress both at work and personally. I often feel ashamed of myself, like a failure, a disappointment, and sometimes like an embarrassment. I also worry about losing people, being unhappy, being alone, and my living situation. Even though there are things I enjoy, my low mood makes it hard to engage in them.
I tend to compare myself to others a lot; for example, I remember when we had builders round and one of them was around the same age as me. He was living with his partner, possibly his wife, had a baby, and was saving for a house, while I’m not currently working and still living with my parents. I’ve even seen people younger than me who have comfortably moved out. I’ve also seen people my age working really hard, and it feels like I’m not doing much. I worry that most people would be disgusted if they knew my situation. I’ve told people I’m looking for work and seemed fine about it, but that was months ago, and they’re probably thinking, “Why is he still looking? Is he actually looking for work or just being lazy? Is he putting in the effort? Does he have a future?” I’ve had people doubt me recently and a lot in the past, and I’ve faced setbacks. I do have support, and it helps, but shortly after these support sessions end, I often find myself feeling down again.
I also worry often that I’ll look back in the future and feel ashamed of myself. Even though I am trying, there was a point when I wasn’t doing enough, and I’m worried I’ll resent myself for it. I think I need therapy or counseling, but it's daunting and takes a lot of courage, which I’m struggling with at the moment. I also fear that people around me might think I’m being weak or like a “pussy” for feeling like this, and that they might dismiss my feelings by saying things like “everyone gets depressed” or use it against me. I’ve had that happen before, and it makes the idea of seeking help even more intimidating.
Despite all this, I do have good days too, which is a positive. But even on those days, the negative thoughts and feelings are pretty much on my mind 24/7, lingering in the back of my mind and making it hard to fully enjoy or appreciate the good moments. There are times when I do sleep, but I can have bad dreams due to the stress, which only adds to my anxiety and makes it harder to feel rested. The recent heat hasn’t helped with my sleeping issues either, making it even more difficult to get a good night's sleep and adding to my overall stress.
