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Sexuality Confusion?
gia9720
Posts: 117 The Mix Convert
I am a female. I have always dated males my whole life until recently, i am now finding myself date an older woman. I do not identify as a lesbian but i am only attracted to this lady no other women. I still find men physically attractive. It is a very confusing time for me and i would like to know if anyone else has experienced this before? I would not identify as bisexual or lesbian ...in my mind i am still heterosexual.. is this denial? I can expand on details if needed
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If it helps, you can think of sexuality as fluid rather than something with strict defined limits. I have a female friend who considers herself generally straight but has had one long-term relationship with a woman. We actually talked about it once and she said she couldn't imagine herself with any other female - there was just something unique about that person that attracted her. A friend of mine who largely identifies as gay also experienced the reverse situation. It's pretty common I think.
Personally, I'm quite non-committal about my sexuality. My partners have been female so far but I don't really see myself as 100% straight. I'm sure there are non-females I could be with.
Do you mind if I ask: is there much of an age gap between you and the older woman you're dating? No judgement either way of course, just that sometimes age gaps can create unique dynamics between people, so might be something worth exploring.
In any case, this is totally normal and nothing to worry about. It's okay that it's confusing and I'd encourage you to sit with that confusion and work through it at your own pace. Labels can help people find a sense of identity and togetherness, but sometimes the pressure to label yourself can be unhelpful if nothing quite feels right, so don't feel like you need to have one.
I definitely agree with labels because it can add unnecessary pressure. I think its just a shock to me that i've fallen in love with a female when i never imagined it before.
The one thing I would say is that with large age gaps like yours, it's usually a good idea to think about the dynamic it's creating between you. Age isn't always important and plenty of people have healthy relationships with people older or younger than them, but age gaps can set the stage for imbalanced power dynamics, which in turn can lead to unhealthy behaviours. It's also common for people not to notice those unhealthy behaviours while they're in the relationship.
This doesn't apply to everyone and may not apply to you, but I want to highlight it because it's a super common thing for people (particularly young women) to experience.
It's easy to get swept up in any relationship, but even more so with someone older than us. Being shown love and care by an older person - especially if we really look up to them - can be a very powerful and validating thing. Especially if that person is also telling us how mature or smart we are, or if they really seem to understand us in a way that most people don't. And it's quite easy to be pulled in and almost taken over by that feeling, especially when we're young.
Then when we get older, the situation changes, or the relationship ends, things can look a little different and we might realise that actually the relationship wasn't super healthy.
Again, this doesn't apply to everyone and might not apply to your relationship, but it feels really important to talk about this just in case it does apply to you.
You haven't mentioned how old you are, but do you mind if I ask: are you over 18? No judgement either way, just keen to make sure you're in a situation where you're safe and able to fully consent (legally and emotionally) to being with this person. ✨
But i think this is a healthy relationship with toxic moments like all relationships its important to set boundaries and know your limitations i guess.
Really appreciate you sharing your thoughts!
I am really glad to hear @Mike's response was helpful!
I think the question to ask yourself would be the proportion of healthy versus the number of toxic moments.
It is always really important to set boundaries and know your limitations!
Absolutely! Though I also think the types of positives and negatives matter too.
If you want to talk anything through with us, we are here for you
Thanks for reaching out to us and being so brave in telling us what you have experienced. It sounds like a really tough situation that you have been in. Unfortunately, love really can blind us. I am so glad you have recognised this now and are in a better place to look after yourself. If we can do anything to help, please just let us know