Sexuality Confusion?

Former Member

I am a female. I have always dated males my whole life until recently, i am now finding myself date an older woman. I do not identify as a lesbian but i am only attracted to this lady no other women. I still find men physically attractive. It is a very confusing time for me and i would like to know if anyone else has experienced this before? I would not identify as bisexual or lesbian ...in my mind i am still heterosexual.. is this denial? I can expand on details if needed

JustV

This doesn't necessarily mean you're in denial, @gia9720. Welcome to The Mix btw.

If it helps, you can think of sexuality as fluid rather than something with strict defined limits. I have a female friend who considers herself generally straight but has had one long-term relationship with a woman. We actually talked about it once and she said she couldn't imagine herself with any other female - there was just something unique about that person that attracted her. A friend of mine who largely identifies as gay also experienced the reverse situation. It's pretty common I think.

Personally, I'm quite non-committal about my sexuality. My partners have been female so far but I don't really see myself as 100% straight. I'm sure there are non-females I could be with.

Do you mind if I ask: is there much of an age gap between you and the older woman you're dating? No judgement either way of course, just that sometimes age gaps can create unique dynamics between people, so might be something worth exploring.

In any case, this is totally normal and nothing to worry about. It's okay that it's confusing and I'd encourage you to sit with that confusion and work through it at your own pace. Labels can help people find a sense of identity and togetherness, but sometimes the pressure to label yourself can be unhelpful if nothing quite feels right, so don't feel like you need to have one.

Former Member

Thanks for your response @Mike and sharing those experiences with me The age gap is 16 years so it is quite a big gap. and there are some generational differences but the romantic love i have experienced with this lady is just warm, soft , uplifting spirited which i feel i haven't received from men.

I definitely agree with labels because it can add unnecessary pressure. I think its just a shock to me that i've fallen in love with a female when i never imagined it before.

JustV

No worries @gia9720. Hear you on the fact that the love feels different to what you've experienced with men, despite those inevitable generational differences.

The one thing I would say is that with large age gaps like yours, it's usually a good idea to think about the dynamic it's creating between you. Age isn't always important and plenty of people have healthy relationships with people older or younger than them, but age gaps can set the stage for imbalanced power dynamics, which in turn can lead to unhealthy behaviours. It's also common for people not to notice those unhealthy behaviours while they're in the relationship.

This doesn't apply to everyone and may not apply to you, but I want to highlight it because it's a super common thing for people (particularly young women) to experience.

It's easy to get swept up in any relationship, but even more so with someone older than us. Being shown love and care by an older person - especially if we really look up to them - can be a very powerful and validating thing. Especially if that person is also telling us how mature or smart we are, or if they really seem to understand us in a way that most people don't. And it's quite easy to be pulled in and almost taken over by that feeling, especially when we're young.

Then when we get older, the situation changes, or the relationship ends, things can look a little different and we might realise that actually the relationship wasn't super healthy.

Again, this doesn't apply to everyone and might not apply to your relationship, but it feels really important to talk about this just in case it does apply to you.

You haven't mentioned how old you are, but do you mind if I ask: are you over 18? No judgement either way, just keen to make sure you're in a situation where you're safe and able to fully consent (legally and emotionally) to being with this person. ✨

Former Member

@Mike Thanks for asking, i am an adult I have always found myself in relationships where there is an age gap....

But i think this is a healthy relationship with toxic moments like all relationships its important to set boundaries and know your limitations i guess.

Really appreciate you sharing your thoughts!

Laura_tigger82

Hi @gia9720

I am really glad to hear @Mike's response was helpful!

I think the question to ask yourself would be the proportion of healthy versus the number of toxic moments.

It is always really important to set boundaries and know your limitations!

Former Member

@Laura_tigger82 I agree with you 100% the good must outweigh the bad in relationships in order for it to be 'worthwhile' or 'successful' and finding a balance is key in my opinion

Laura_tigger82

Hi @gia9720

Absolutely! Though I also think the types of positives and negatives matter too.

If you want to talk anything through with us, we are here for you

Former Member

@gia9720 Just know that feeling confused is absolutely normal and nothing to be overly concerned about. It seems to me that you simply have a connection with this woman! Don't feel the pressure to label yourself, especially if you are still exploring the possibility of being attracted to women. Personally, I have actually experienced this but the opposite, as I identify as homosexual but found myself feeling attracted to a male- I still shudder to this very day...Anyway, I realised that, to me, this person's gender played no role in whether I was attracted to them (I mean it helps if they are women) and I was attracted to the person. A person's gender is a. not the most important thing about them and b. isn't what makes you attracted to them. Hope this helps!

Former Member

@maryam852 to be honest maryam in light of everything this individual used and manipulated me and gaslighted me to the point where I was painted to be a villian and a fraud to myself. One of the most toxic experiences I’ve dealt with in life and it’s put me off dating females in the future. Age is another factor of course but oh my goodness I was so caught up trying to defend and protect this person I didn’t realise how much it was affecting me and draining me both physically and emotionally - crazy. Lesson learnt though. Love is love and sometimes you can’t help who you fall for MY MY MY PEOPLE ARE DECEITFUL

Laura_tigger82

Hi @gia9720

Thanks for reaching out to us and being so brave in telling us what you have experienced. It sounds like a really tough situation that you have been in. Unfortunately, love really can blind us. I am so glad you have recognised this now and are in a better place to look after yourself. If we can do anything to help, please just let us know

Former Member

@gia9720 I completely understand! Completely! I am so thankful that you have escaped from such a horrible relationship. I think age does play a factor.

Laura_tigger82

Thanks for continuing to be supportive within our community @maryam852. Your efforts are always acknowledged and really appreciated. How are you today? Please remember we are here for you too!