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[OLD] The 'I need a hug' thread - please read first post before posting :)
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And it it is fucking terrifying to me that you can have all this potential, all this ability, and that means nothing. It doesn’t mean you’ll get anywhere. Just because you can do something doesn’t mean you will. You know?
And I have spent so many years of my life feeling like this. There is something that feels something like tragic about it, that I have lost this many years of my life to mental illness, that I can’t get that time back, or this second, or this second. That people say your twenties are meant to be the best days of your life and it’s all downhill from there, but at 19 I don’t have the fucking energy to get out of bed in the morning. And it is terrifying that every second of this is lost potential.
My mum talks about a boyfriend as a distraction that makes you fluff it, means you miss out on what you could have achieved. But what if it’s mental illness? My memory is shot. There’s so much stuff my mum says I’ve told her or she’s told me and I don’t remember any of it. I’ll have a conversation that gets interrupted and guys, I kid you not, I won’t remember what we were talking about for the life of me. I have no attention span, I can’t concentrate, I have no motivation or energy for shit.
I have sat so so many important exams - a levels, entrance tests, finals - having spent the days and weeks running up to it staring at the fucking wall and wanting to die instead of preparing. I’ve got where I am purely by luck and it is fucking terrifying to me that one day fluke may not work in my favour. That I could have had so much ability, so much potential, and I could just fuck it up. Just like that. Because of a girlfriend I spent too much time on the phone to. Or a mental illness.
Please hugs? Please please please. I know this is long. I am sorry. I just. Everything’s so much.
Getting them done in the first place was secretly fueled by the thought of me being poisoned. It's all meaningless now since they're not doing a drug test but it could tell me why I've been feeling a bit tired. I didn't want to tell the GP about my "worries" as I didn't want her to write it on my file or get the CMHT involved or not do the blood test.
Spent evening with a friend going through a lot and I feel really drained from it. I love supporting friends but when struggling myself it's a little harder
I had a conversation with mum today and she's been written off work because her health is getting bad. Dad was written off work before he died, I'm scared of it all happening again. Today I learnt that my sister is going to be my mother's primary carer but the paper work and stuff still needs to be done for it to be official.
"The way that I have found the light in my life is through the expressive arts because I know that I will be accepted for the way I am." ~ Me
"I'm going to get strong again and see you soon. " ~ Anonymous