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Abuse is too much
ShatteredSecrets
Posts: 186 Helping Hand
All it says in the title really.
I'm really struggling to deal with what has happened to me. It seems like nobody really understands. They don't see how I feel. They don't see that it was not their fault that they did this to me. It was me. I was doing things wrong. I can't cope with how I feel. I feel sad but then angry but then nothing at all. I don't know how to feel. I can't talk to anyone about it. I've been waiting for counselling for 9 months now. This is just for an assessment but I've been told there is nothing available on the NHS.
I've looked at both NAPAC as well as The Survivors Trust and there just doesn't seem to be anywhere else to go.
I don't know how to cope with how I feel so all I can do is starve and self harm. I just really really really hate myself. I feel like this is it. I can't deal with the guilt and shame anymore. I'm trying so hard to maintain these relationships with these people. It's just so hard. I just need to talk to someone.
-ShatteredSecrets
I'm really struggling to deal with what has happened to me. It seems like nobody really understands. They don't see how I feel. They don't see that it was not their fault that they did this to me. It was me. I was doing things wrong. I can't cope with how I feel. I feel sad but then angry but then nothing at all. I don't know how to feel. I can't talk to anyone about it. I've been waiting for counselling for 9 months now. This is just for an assessment but I've been told there is nothing available on the NHS.
I've looked at both NAPAC as well as The Survivors Trust and there just doesn't seem to be anywhere else to go.
I don't know how to cope with how I feel so all I can do is starve and self harm. I just really really really hate myself. I feel like this is it. I can't deal with the guilt and shame anymore. I'm trying so hard to maintain these relationships with these people. It's just so hard. I just need to talk to someone.
-ShatteredSecrets
I am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.
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Comments
thanks for the replies. I don’t have anyone in my life who I can talk to about what’s happened to me. I’m feeling quite desperate in that sense.
Please could you give me the details of anyone else who I could try? I also tried Safeline but I only called once bc it freaked me out and I didn’t get through the first time anyways. I don’t know what it would be like to talk to them.
Im just really struggling with flashbacks and the recovered memories and it seems impossible to make them go away. I’m still having to maintain relationships with these people so I’m finding it really hard and at the same time I feel so guilty and ashamed over what’s happened but also for wanting to talk about it - I feel like it’s wrong to want to talk about it.
- ShatteredSecrets
I am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.
Firstly, it's amazing that you have tried to contact Safeline. Safeline is a very useful organisation to call for a confidential talk about how you're feeling, and we would recommend trying to call them again. I know it can be worrying when you have never done that before, but they have some wonderful and understanding volunteers who will do their best to provide you with all the support they can.
Secondly, it's important that you never tell yourself that it's wrong to talk about how you feel. It's the exact opposite: we only get better by understanding how we feel and what we can do about it. And it's much harder to do that if no one else knows how we feel. It takes a lot of courage to even try to call someone like that who you don't know, which is why your first attempt to contact them is that much more impressive!
We are always here to listen, so don''t hesitate to let us know how you're still feeling!
I’m just really struggling
I am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.
-ShatteredSecrets
I am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.
I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling worse after calling the helpline
It sounds like you're feeling really let down by everything and feel like giving up. I just wanted to say that things can and will get better. You are so strong for reaching out here about everything and taking such a positive step to call that helpline. I know they weren't helpful, but there's so many other organisations out there that can help you. Would you like some help finding some places you can reach out to for support?
Try not to loose hope from what happened this morning. Remember we're always going to be here for you too anytime you want to talk.
Stay strong ShatteredSecrets
- Aife
i was hoping that they’d understand and want to hear what I had to say. I was hoping they wouldn’t blame me for what happened. I was hoping they’d at least try to understand where I was coming from. It was the Samaritans.
I would really like some help. It’s been getting worse today and I feel so out of control with things. I don’t know what to do or say anymore. I feel like my words are falling on deaf ears.
-ShatteredSecrets
I am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.
I'm so sorry to hear about the phone call to Samaritans. I can't imagine how it must feel to have built up the courage to make that phone call and then not get the support you were hoping for. This sounds so tough
You mentioned that you tried Safeline but weren't able to get through to them. How would you feel about trying to reach out to them again? They also offer a text and email service that you could try if you were feeling anxious about calling them. You can text them on 0786 002 7573 or email them at support@safeline.org.uk. I've also found a list of other support services on Mind's website that you might like to try too. If you do decide to try them, let us know how you get on. If you'd like some more help finding somewhere else to reach out to, we can help with that too
You mentioned that things are getting worse and that you feel out of control with things. Can you tell us a bit more about what's feeling out of control?
You're doing really well to talk about how you're feeling here with us. In your earlier post you mentioned that you'd been waiting for counselling for 9 months now. Sounds like you've been waiting such a long time for support. Do you know when you'll start counselling?
I also wanted to say that you're not alone in how you're feeling and what happened to you isn't your fault, no one deserves this to happen to them. Remember that we're all here for you and here to listen anytime you want to talk
Stay strong
I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through. I'd love to help, but I'm not too experienced when it comes to abuse support. What I can do is offer you support - we're all here with you through this. I hope you're able to find the support you need and deserve x
Much love
I'm not sure.. I don't know what I would even say to them. I'm just so confused about it because there's things I'm so certain of. I know they happened. 100%. But there's some things I'm so unsure of. Like I feel like I can't even call it sexual abuse or anything because he didn't rape me. I have been raped but not by him. It was just confusing and I'm just not sure. I feel like I'm an imposter or something I can't say that.
My feelings just feel so out of control and it's like one minute im kinda ok and the next i want to die. I just don't know.
I am looking at an assessment in September (if they stick to what they said this time) and probably counselling starting in November.. so over a year since the referral... but that's only if they agree to help me. So I'm just not sure anymore.
I have looked through all those organisations before from Mind. I guess coming here I felt like my last hope.
-ShatteredSecrets
I am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.
It's okay if you're not sure what to say. Sometimes it can help to say that when you call up or text them and they can ask you some questions to help you get the most support from them. They support people all the time so will know what to ask you.
I know you mentioned there are things that you're feeling unsure about. Do you feel comfortable sharing with us what's making you feel unsure about whether it was sexual abuse? It sounds like what happened has really affected you so please don't feel like you can't reach out for support. You deserve support and no one should have to go through this alone. I know you've tried lots of organisations already but please don't give up. It's really positive that you found The Mix because everyone here is so lovely!
It sounds like you've been waiting such a long time for counselling. Hopefully your assessment doesn't change again and you'll be able to get that support soon. Have you thought about trying the counselling services here at The Mix? They offer telephone counselling if that's something you'd be interested in.
I hope things start to feel better for you soon. It sounds really tough when everything feels really out of control
Stay strong
It’s just that... it’s because I didn’t know their intentions. They touched me in places I didn’t like. I didn’t like the way it made me feel and it just didn’t feel right or okay. I feel like because it didn’t get any further than that and it was only over my clothes that it doesn’t count.
i actually have been offered some counselling through The Mix. I’ve has about 3 sessions but I was supposed to have one this evening but it’s been cancelled so I guess I’m just spiralling again because I’d been holding on for it and now it’s not happening I’m really struggling to manage my thoughts or feelings.
-ShatteredSecrets
I am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.
You're doing really well to open up about everything. I just wanted to say that what happened doesn't sound okay at all. The fact that it didn't feel right or okay sounds like you didn't consent to what happened. It also doesn't matter if you were wearing clothes when it happened, it's not okay for someone to touch you in that way without consent.
We've got a really useful article on consent and sexual assault that you might find it helpful to have a read though. Here's a bit of information from one of the articles:
It sounds like these people are still in your life right now, is that right? I can't imagine how tough this must be for you at the moment, sounds like you're really struggling.
It's great to hear you're having counselling already with The Mix, how is that going? It's a shame your session yesterday got cancelled, hopefully it won't be too long until your next session. It sounds like these sessions are really valuable to you, it can be so hard when we're holding on to something and it gets cancelled last minute. Have they've given you any advice on how to manage these thoughts and feelings you've been having?
idk I’m on a break at work and just read through those articles and I really wanna cry. Like it seems like that’s what it was but I don’t want to believe it. It’s not like it happened every day or anything. I just don’t know.
this person is still in my life yes and I just can’t believe I forgot about this for so long. How is that possible?
i mean I like my counsellor and feel comfortable with her. But I’ve just disclosed a lot of things to her and then the session was cancelled so it’s made it feel more difficult. I’ve been worried about how she’d respond and now it’s probably another week before I can speak to her again. Along with everything else. What I’m talking about here is something she doesn’t know though. I’ve not told anyone. I guess it just feels like I’ve just gotta cope by myself.
-ShatteredSecrets
I am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.
This all sounds really tough for your right now but remember there are people out there who will believe you like us. It's been a few days since you last posted, how are you feeling today?
It's reassuring to hear that you like your counsellor and feel comfortable with her. It can be hard to find someone that we feel comfortable opening up to. But it's understandable for things to feel more difficult now after having that appointment cancelled after disclosing a lot of things to her. You mentioned that you feel worried about how she'd respond if you talk to her about how you're feeling. What do you feel is worrying you the most about opening up to her?
I know you mentioned that it feels like you've got to cope by yourself, but you don't deserve to cope with this all on your own. No one does at all. Remember we're always going to be here for you
I'm just feeling really exhausted. I just want to be able to sleep for a really long time. I've spent this weekend being horrendously angry and upset and hurt. It's like I've switched from being like that over what has happened to feeling absolutely heartbroken over not understanding why they don't love me. It seems like if they did that to me then they really must hate me.
I know this stems from my counsellor tbh. She got in contact with me on Thursday and we had a session on Friday evening. It was an absolute shit show if I'm being honest with you. I completely broke down towards the end and she could barely get two words out of me. Looking back I feel really bad for doing that to her but I just couldn't cope. She asked if I was okay and how I planned to spend the evening but I said I didn't want to tell her. I knew had I told her she would have either done something about it or idk I felt bad and didn't want her to feel like she was to blame for what I was going to do. I have another session with her tomorrow at our usual day and time. I e-mailed her some more stuff that I wanted her to know. Now I'm worried about her reacting to that and wondering what she's gonna ask as she usually does ask questions about things. I'm dreading having to tell her I self-harmed again after not doing it for like 8 days. I know she'll ask as she always does. I'm not proud of it but it just got really out of control on Friday night. She did e-mail me a few hours later. I ended up sending her some stuff and she replied saying she was really glad I e-mailed as she was only checking them because she wanted to make sure I was ok. I don't know it just feels like a massive blur atm. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel rn
-ShatteredSecrets
I am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.
I read your posts and my heart really goes out to you for what you've experienced. No one should have to experience abuse of any kind, especially from someone who is supposed to protect you.
I'm not surprised you're exhausted having to deal with all this by yourself. It's good that you have a councellor now, and it sounds like she genuinely cares and wants to help you so that's good. Well done for going 8 days without self-harming. Your councellor won't judge you for giving in though. At least by telling her, she can help you move on and try different things to help. Also it's normal to relapse, especially if it feels like it helps and had become a habit. The trick is to keep trying to stop again after every relapse.
How did your session go on Tuesday?
I'm so sorry to hear how much you're struggling right now. Sounds like your counselling session on Friday was a tough one. It's okay to find things difficult, what you've been through isn't easy for anyone and even talking about it can be one of the most challenging things. It sounds like you weren't feeling safe after your session. Is there anything that can help you stay safe when you're feeling really low?
You took a really positive step to email her some more things that you wanted her to know. Sometimes it can be easier to write things out rather than talk about them out loud. It's really nice that she was checking her emails to make sure you were okay. Sounds like she really cares about you.
It's understandable for you to worry about what she's going to say when you tell her you've self-harmed, but it's okay to have a relapse. I know you mentioned you weren't proud about what happened, but self-harming again after a while isn’t anything to be ashamed of. Sometimes you can't control what's going to happen or how you're going to be feeling so relapses do happen and that's okay. It's all part of the recovery journey and things will get better
How did your session go on Tuesday? I hope things felt a bit less overwhelming during that session
-ShatteredSecrets
I am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.
I am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.
I'm so sorry to hear about what happened the other night. It's understandable to hear how much this has upset you. It's can be so hard when someone says something that really breaks us, but please don't listen to them. You know yourself better than anyone else, so try not to let these words get to you because you are such a lovely person.
It sounds really tough not being able to speak to your counsellor for the new few weeks, especially when you didn't get to speak about everything you wanted to during your last session. You mentioned that this has come at the worst time for you, can you tell us a bit more about what's going to be happening over the next few weeks?
Remember we're all here for you on the boards and chat anytime you want to talk. You don't have to go through this alone and you've taken such a positive step to reach out here about everything that's been going on.
Stay strong
its just so hard because not only that but I’ve had people say that abusers will try and get jobs in positions of trust in order to do these things and it’s mqde me feel disgusting and horrible bc I work in education with children and it’s just like they’re saying that’s me like other people said. I honestly feel like the scum of the earth for trying to help people.
Basically the next few weeks are going to suck because on Monday I have to have an internal scan and I really don’t think I can do it. I can’t talk to anyone about it because they don’t care and I’m just so scared
-ShatteredSecrets
I am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.
It sounds like you're feeling really hurt by what these people said. I can't imagine how hard this might be for you. Can I ask who said that to you? Although there might be abusers that try to work in positions of trust, there are people out there who genuinely care and want to make a difference - like you. It sounds like you're really passionate about the work that you do which is lovely. You're a great person ShatteredSecrets with such a strong passion, please don't let anyone change that.
It's understandable to hear how you're feeling about your counsellor being away for the next few weeks. When we have a lot going on, it can really help to have someone there to talk about everything. It's hard when we're used to having this support each week too. Did you manage to talk to her about any of these appointments? It sounds like you're feeling quite worried about them. I know she won't be here for you to talk to, but remember we're here for you and you can always come along to one of our support chats too. Would you find that helpful?
I hope your internal scan goes okay today. I'm not sure if you'll see my reply before your appointment, but I wanted to say that these things can be scary, but you are so strong - you can do it. Remember the doctor or nurse are there to help you, so if there's anything you want to talk about with them, they are there to support you too. I hope it goes okay today, do let us know how you get on.
It's positive to hear about your appointments with the MH team and psychiatrist. What are your appointments with the MH team about? Hopefully they go okay too and hope they help you get the support that you deserve. You mentioned that you're feeling worried about seeing this psychiatrist, can you tell us a bit more about what you're feeling worried about?
Remember you're not alone, we're all here for you
- Aife
my mum said it to me.
I did tell her I had some coming up and what they were for and she told me to think about rescheduling some of them because she was worried how I'd cope with things like the scan today because she wouldn't be here to help me through it. So she knows about them yeah. I've just gotta get through another week until she gets back.
My scan was.... okay? Luckily I'd drank so much water that they could see everything clearly but they didn't have to do anything internal. However it still caused me to have a breakdown over just laying there like that and just cried throughout the entire thing. I mean they were nice enough and luckily I had 2 women but still felt really difficult.
My appointments with the MH team are for different things. So I had one today with my care co-ordinator but I swear it was just a waste of time tbh bc I don't feel like they're really listening to me at the moment. Thursday I see an assistant psychologist who is doing a course of ECS with me (Emotional Coping Skills) and she's nice. I just don't really see the point in it anymore because it's like when I see this psychiatrist if he agrees with what they're saying then it means they'll want me to have DBT but at the end of the day they can only offer it on a specific day and time in which I can't do because I can't leave work for it and it takes like a year to complete they told me so really there's just no point. I don't want to have to go over my entire history and I know it's gonna make me feel like shit if im being honest. Today I rang people as I'm on a specialised counselling waiting list and they say it will be at least another 2 months for an assessment too. I've been waiting like nearly 10 months already.
I just feel so worn down and done with everything. It's just so hard and I just don't feel strong enough anymore. All I can think about is self-harming and overdosing all the time
-ShatteredSecrets
I am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.
I am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.
just had a read through your posts and sorry youre hurting so much
You said you dunno if counts or not. It sounds like it counts and totally not okay to be touched in place dont want. Its your body and you have the right for control over it.
Ive been in those situations - its awful & sometimes to the other person they cant see that it is wrong & completly normalise it & almost feels like am an object or nothing- so then feel bad to making anything out of it. But youre not an object-Its not okay & allowed that to be known.
Understandable felt uncomfortable for scan. But its great you even went!
for DBT - dont think you have to talk about your history at all & think about managin emotions. So if want treatment that dont have to- id say thats good. & esp if have BPD. Your health is important. Isnt there way to go round it regards to work? Though i think couselling is good too. Even if first thoughts are not to speak about history & trauma.- sometimes it can feel like shit to first speak about trauma as feels more real. But sometimes it has to get worse before gets better. As sometimes trying to keep it to ourself- it just stays trapped there and keeps coming back & cant keep to yourself & you need that validation.
sorry if i havent helped
I am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.
These last few days sound like they've been incredibly tough for you. You've tried so hard to reach out for support and it sounds like you keep getting let down and being left without support when you need it the most. These are the people who are supposed to be helping, not letting you down. This can understandably be too much for anyone and I'm so sorry to hear how much pain you're in. You're doing really well to talk about everything here with us. Keep using the boards whenever you need to, because you deserve to have this space where you can talk about anything. We're always going to be here to listen.
Do you know what support you were hoping for when you made your emergency GP appointment? I'm really sorry to hear about how the appointment went. Try not to let this GP take away any of that hope you had about getting support because there are people out there who can help you. Mental health services can fail us, but keep fighting because you will get the support you deserve soon. Do you feel you can book another appointment with your usual GP to talk things through? Sometimes seeing our usual GP can help because they know our history better and they might have more knowledge than other GPs about possible support options.
In your post before, you mentioned that your appointment with your care-coordinator was a waste of time because you felt like they weren't listening. This sounds so tough
Sounds like you're really struggling with self-harm too at the moment. Are there any distraction techniques that you find help? Sometimes it can help to talk to someone when these urges are feeling really strong. Do you feel like you can call someone like Samaritans when you're feeling really strong urges?
Hope things are feeling a little better today. It's not much longer now until your counsellor at The Mix is back from holiday. Hope things start to feel better when she's back and hopefully those cancelled appointments don't take too long to be rescheduled. You're not alone ShatteredSecrets, we're here for you.
- Aife
I am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.
what ive realise is we can carry on much longer than we thought could. Is hard, but youre stronger than think
X