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toxic friends

hannahxoxohannahxoxo Posts: 34 Cool Newbie
so i am currently in year 10 at high school and i have one more year left until i move to a college. my current best friend is called selina and we have been friends for over a year but its not a good friendship... we used to be together all the time and rarely fight and not be nasty to each other but recently weve made a group with two other girls and selinas changed a lot. she changed a bit before these two new friends as well so its not their fault. recently weve been getting into many more fights and not being as close as shes been going off with one of the other girls and nudging me out the way when were all walking together and not treating me nice at all. i mean when were not arguing shes a good friend i guess but because weve been arguing a lot shes been horrible. and when were arguing she is just very snaky, she insults me and turns things around on me and starts the arguments but accuses me of starting them. shes also very bossy. to be honest shes not a good friend at all as im typing this im realising that. but i dont know what to do because if i stop being friends with her i will have no other friends, and before any of you say just make friends with other people i cant, everyone has got their own friends now and itd just be really awkward. i have no idea what to do my only idea is to just deal with it for this last year because after i wont see any of these people again. my whole life ive been struggling with people like this ( horrible horrible friends ) and im really sick of it but i have no other choice... someone please help, thank you...
peachysoohoneyxx

Comments

  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,176 The Mix Elder
    Hey Hannah

    Can hear how you fear being alone with no friends. But what do you feel is more damaging; being in a toxic friendship or having no friends? Personally i think id rather not have the friend at all. No one deserves to insulted.

    Did you also make friends with with the group of other two girls? Maybe you could, if not? Know you said she nudges you out of the way when youre all walking. But maybe you could speak with them when selina isnt around? If you really didnt wanna leave the toxic relationship and think its worth if - for the little about of time you dont argue- then you could try finding other friends still,- know said is hard but maybe easier than you think, worth trying?
    Do you work, or have any other ways you can make friends?

    But i hope you make new friends in college next year, all the best
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
    peachysoo
  • Candlestick56Candlestick56 Posts: 90 Miniposter
    Hi @hannahxoxo

    That's not a nice position to be in. It's really horrible when a good friend changes and starts treating you badly like that. And I'm really sorry that you've had to deal with other horrible friends too.

    I can understand why you don't want to stop being friends with her though, making new friends in your last year of school isn't really easy and you say that you used to have a good friendship, so I can see why you're reluctant to just cut her out. What do you think has caused Selina to change over the last year? Maybe something happened at home or something and she's just taking it out on you without really realising? Or do you think it's more spiteful than that? Could she be jealous of you for some reason? Maybe you can try talking to her about it, or even just arranging to do something outside of school just the two of you that might give you the chance to get close again without the other girls.. Do you get on with the other two girls you formed a group with?
    peachysoo
  • hannahxoxohannahxoxo Posts: 34 Cool Newbie
    Shaunie wrote: »
    Hey Hannah

    Can hear how you fear being alone with no friends. But what do you feel is more damaging; being in a toxic friendship or having no friends? Personally i think id rather not have the friend at all. No one deserves to insulted.

    Did you also make friends with with the group of other two girls? Maybe you could, if not? Know you said she nudges you out of the way when youre all walking. But maybe you could speak with them when selina isnt around? If you really didnt wanna leave the toxic relationship and think its worth if - for the little about of time you dont argue- then you could try finding other friends still,- know said is hard but maybe easier than you think, worth trying?
    Do you work, or have any other ways you can make friends?

    But i hope you make new friends in college next year, all the best


    Hey! i get what youre saying but im in a position at school where if im seen alone at lunch itd just be bad and people would say stuff, also i really really hate the idea of being alone and not having anyone, trust me if i dint care about that i wouldve left her as a friend a long time ago. one of the other two girls is close with me but closer with selina, she admires her so shed side with her straight away. and the other girl is my close friend too but i couodnt just go off with her, its hard to explain i guess. i have tried and i am friends with a lot of ppl but theyre not people i feel comfortable hanging out at lunch with bc of the ppl they hang out with and stuff. thank you x
    Shaunie
  • hannahxoxohannahxoxo Posts: 34 Cool Newbie
    Hi @hannahxoxo

    That's not a nice position to be in. It's really horrible when a good friend changes and starts treating you badly like that. And I'm really sorry that you've had to deal with other horrible friends too.

    I can understand why you don't want to stop being friends with her though, making new friends in your last year of school isn't really easy and you say that you used to have a good friendship, so I can see why you're reluctant to just cut her out. What do you think has caused Selina to change over the last year? Maybe something happened at home or something and she's just taking it out on you without really realising? Or do you think it's more spiteful than that? Could she be jealous of you for some reason? Maybe you can try talking to her about it, or even just arranging to do something outside of school just the two of you that might give you the chance to get close again without the other girls.. Do you get on with the other two girls you formed a group with?


    hello! she does have a tough life at home and i try to help her as much as i can with it and shes said before when shes taking her anger out on me but this is different. i think this time she does it bc she wants to be in charge and is just mad at me all the time for some reason. i think with these new friends she thinks she can just push me around bc if i go it wont affect her. we used to do something every weekend and call all the time but we havent done something in a while bc weve been arguing nd shes been choosing to call boys instead of me... yes i do get along with them i guess but one of them is more closer with selina and it feels like shes replacing me.
    peachysoo
  • AzzimanAzziman The Mix convert Posts: 514 Extreme Poster
    Hi hannahxoxo,

    Sorry to hear about what's happened. From what I've seen, I think it's clear that you need to get rid of her. No good comes out of staying with someone who's constantly looking to argue with you and belittle you. I know you don't want to be alone, but you're having to pick between the lesser of two evils here - being alone is better than being with toxic, hurtful people.

    The fact that you're still fighting for her and looking after tells me that she doesn't deserve even a tenth of you - despite being targeted by her, you're still willing to help her and considerate of her home life. That shows me how amazing you are, and that you are so much better, and deserve so much better, than to be treated like this.

    t seems like she's using you as an emotional punching bag to try and deal with her home issues, unaware that she's hurting one of her best friends. I think you should cut all ties with her - she's expecting that you won't leave because you don't have other people to go to, so she's happy to keep you on a chain and treat you badly. Please, do the right thing and leave this toxic person and situationx

    Much love <3
    hannahxoxopeachysoo
  • honeyxxhoneyxx Posts: 58 Miniposter
    Im so sorry you have had to go through this hannah i am also struggling at the moment with a friend and i just dont know what to doi am in a similar situation to you  it so hard when you try and do your best by someone and it just feels it is never ever good enough and they change so much and just keep hurting you.  I hope your okay xox
    hannahxoxo
  • hannahxoxohannahxoxo Posts: 34 Cool Newbie
    Im so sorry you have had to go through this hannah i am also struggling at the moment with a friend and i just dont know what to doi am in a similar situation to you  it so hard when you try and do your best by someone and it just feels it is never ever good enough and they change so much and just keep hurting you.  I hope your okay xox
    hi there! awh thats really sad to hear. recently selinas been fine with me and i think the reason she was being horrible was bc shes having problems at home. my advice to u is to speak to your friend if u can and just ask her if everythings ok bc she seems off with you or something. hope i helped a bit and i hope your okay too x 
    honeyxx
  • honeyxxhoneyxx Posts: 58 Miniposter
    Aw im so so glad she has been fine with u now.  Yeah  my friend has said she has had a lot going on to. its really hard because i barely see her anymore and i do miss her we used to be so close we had a really good friendship. And just with her behaving differently and not meeting up anymore i just felt like she had really changed. I worry that she has moved on and doesnt need me anymore. Shes become very good friends with another girl who scarily lools like me i feel ive been replaced. Whenever ive tried to talk to her she just gets very defensive and annoyed with me and wont meet me to talk it out and she twists what i mean its really hurtful and makes me feel i cant say how i feel  . And it really makes me think twice whenever i talk to her as i know how she will react😢  I feel like ive lost my bestfriend:(   xox  
    hannahxoxo
  • peachysoopeachysoo Posts: 151 The Mix convert
    @hannahxoxo

    Totally agree with everything that everyone has said so far - it's better to be alone than to force yourself to be with people that belittle you and, essentially, use you as an escape for their own emotional issues without considering how it could be making you feel. Sure, they may be dealing with their own problems,  but it's inexcusable if they don't even attempt to apologise for taking it out on you, or feel bad at their actions. You are a human too, and you do not deserve to have others' problems pushed onto you (it is NOT your problem at the end of the day), when you may be struggling just as much. Any healthy and successful relationship (which includes friendships) requires mutual communication and respect, it is not a one-way give and take sort of thing.

    I completely understand it's scary and horrible being on your own, especially when others may be saying horrible things about you for being by yourself, however, the way I see it, what does what other people think actually matter? If they're so bothered by things that don't even relate to them that they'd want to make fun of someone like this, does their thoughts account for much? Clearly, they're not very nice people (outsiders who judge without even being involved), and it makes me really angry to think there would be people like this, but perhaps they're also struggling with something personally that makes them react like this, or they're just not mature enough to recognise that saying horrible things in this situation is just inappropriate. It's quite pitiable on their behalf.

    Any decent person worth being friends with would recognise that saying horrible things here is wrong. I personally think it's admirable to be able to walk out of a toxic friendship and be comfortable on your own. Independence and being happy and confident enough within yourself to appreciate that you're worth more than what others may belittle you to, and recognising that you are capable to be on your own for a little while until others see the good in you (and, if they don't, it's their loss, not yours) is an amazing thing.

    Regardless, I have read that recently you've been getting on a bit better with your friend recently, and I'm very happy for you. Have you properly discussed what has happened before this and discussed how it has been making you feel? I'm not going to try force you into doing this because I don't know the full circumstance and it wouldn't be appropriate for me to do so, however I do think it is worthwhile rather than brushing everything under the rug, in case she may revert back into acting as she did. I personally find having these sort of discussions with my own friends, when we struggle with our own personal issues and after we might argue, that it brings us closer together in the end, because we can't know what the other person is actually feeling if we don't actually communicate about it, and it elevates our level of trust between us to be able to confide in each other about these things. But it's important, I think, to remember that this is mutual: I might say that I feel a certain way, and my friend will offer me support, and if my friend says she feels a certain way, I will offer them support. It's not just one person doing all the giving or receiving, it's a mutual and shared balance between us two. 

    -peachysoo
    Shaunie
  • hannahxoxohannahxoxo Posts: 34 Cool Newbie
    Aw im so so glad she has been fine with u now.  Yeah  my friend has said she has had a lot going on to. its really hard because i barely see her anymore and i do miss her we used to be so close we had a really good friendship. And just with her behaving differently and not meeting up anymore i just felt like she had really changed. I worry that she has moved on and doesnt need me anymore. Shes become very good friends with another girl who scarily lools like me i feel ive been replaced. Whenever ive tried to talk to her she just gets very defensive and annoyed with me and wont meet me to talk it out and she twists what i mean its really hurtful and makes me feel i cant say how i feel  . And it really makes me think twice whenever i talk to her as i know how she will react😢  I feel like ive lost my bestfriend:(   xox  
    i relate to what your going through so much and im so sorry i cant help. the only thing i would say is to just be nicer to others and try and get close with other people so then eventually you can get out of the situation your in. im sorry and hope everything gets better with your friend xxxx 
    honeyxx
  • honeyxxhoneyxx Posts: 58 Miniposter
    Thank you hannah, yeah i was thinking the same i can relate so much to u aswel. no youve no idea how just knowing im not the only one going through something like this helps youve been lovely to talk to . Im so glad you are getting on better now with selina and i honestly wish u all the best if u ever need to talk u can talk to me thank u so much for your advice xxxx💕
    hannahxoxo
  • hannahxoxohannahxoxo Posts: 34 Cool Newbie
    barbaraxx said:
    Thank you hannah, yeah i was thinking the same i can relate so much to u aswel. no youve no idea how just knowing im not the only one going through something like this helps youve been lovely to talk to . Im so glad you are getting on better now with selina and i honestly wish u all the best if u ever need to talk u can talk to me thank u so much for your advice xxxx💕
    same goes for you hun!!! xxxxx
    honeyxx
  • hannahxoxohannahxoxo Posts: 34 Cool Newbie
    guys major update. so for the past week selinas been going off with that other girl so ive been with my other friend who im close to as well and today at break and lunch she ditched me for the other girl because shes horrible and thats what she does and so when she came back to the cloakrooms bc we all have to go there to get our bags, the other girl tried to speak to me and i ignored her bc i didnt want to speak to her after theyve just left me for the 100th time and she didnt even say hi or anything i think she just went im so tired or somet. THEN selina literally screamed 'your pathetic' and stormed off so i went so are you and she went say it louder and i went i said it loud enough and she said come here you pussy (while she was the one walking away might i add) so i said why you walking away then and she didnt say anything. but how the fuck am i the one whos pathetic when shes the one screaming at me for no reason, when shes in the wrong. it makes me so fucking angry. and to make it better, the girl who she was with is in my tutor so we see each other every morning and have assembly and go to trips together and she is probably gunna start being horrible as well now even tho i did nothing at all and i just dont know what to do. i know i dont want to make up with selina but i kinda need the other girl for tutor. i know that sounds a bit dodgy but itd just be really awkward otherwise. i havent messaged selina but i rang her bc i do want to talk about it. i dont wanna just leave it like this bc she embarassed me in front of everyone when i did absolutley nothing
    Shauniehoneyxx
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,176 The Mix Elder
    Heya hannah. Sorry to read about how Selina treated you.  You can still be civil with the girl in your tutor - these people are two different people and doesnt mean you have argued with both. Do realise some people take sides but like completely indepentant people. You dont exactly need to be best friends with her

    You said your concerned where being alone on your lunch if you and Selina wasnt friends. Will you be alone at lunch breaks now? Or do you have the other friend?

    Friends argue all the time and i know right now - may seem like the friendship is over but like ive thought that many times to end up forming the friendships again, sometimes not tho. You said you used to call and see each other on the weekend. Did you use to enjoy the friendship at one point ?

    I understand friendship break ups are hard.And were listening if wanna speak more and keep us updated. How you feeling? Are you slighhtly relieved the toxic frienship is over?
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
  • hannahxoxohannahxoxo Posts: 34 Cool Newbie
    Shaunie said:
    Heya hannah. Sorry to read about how Selina treated you.  You can still be civil with the girl in your tutor - these people are two different people and doesnt mean you have argued with both. Do realise some people take sides but like completely indepentant people. You dont exactly need to be best friends with her

    You said your concerned where being alone on your lunch if you and Selina wasnt friends. Will you be alone at lunch breaks now? Or do you have the other friend?

    Friends argue all the time and i know right now - may seem like the friendship is over but like ive thought that many times to end up forming the friendships again, sometimes not tho. You said you used to call and see each other on the weekend. Did you use to enjoy the friendship at one point ?

    I understand friendship break ups are hard.And were listening if wanna speak more and keep us updated. How you feeling? Are you slighhtly relieved the toxic frienship is over?
    yeah thats true but i feel like she wouldnt be civil with me just bc ive fallen out with selina. no i have the other friend but she takes days off sometimes and i wouldnt know what to do when that happens. ive been thinking about ending the friendship for a while now so i dont think wed been as close in the future but maybe civil but i dont know . right now im just a bit worried and confused bc it hasnt been sorted out, im quite an axious person. yes i enjoyed it very much at one point but its not the same anymore. yeah i am relieved to be honest
    Shaunie
  • AzzimanAzziman The Mix convert Posts: 514 Extreme Poster
    edited June 2018
    Hi Hannah,

    You need to be the mature one here. Selina will keep saying meaningless things out of spite, so don't pay attention to a word she's saying. As for the other girl, I think being civil is possible, and you need to try it out to see what happens. She may be civil back, and that's good. But she may be a more cliquey type, in which case at least you can say you tried. You could even mention to your form tutor that you're having a problem with this other girl in your tutor if it gets bad, and she'll keep an eye out for you as well. But please, don't keep taking the bait. Selina will keep shouting at you like a child to get your attention, but you need to be a adult and let her words fall on deaf ears. If she keeps harrassing you, tell a teacher. It doesn't matter what others will call you - your wellbeing is much more important than your pride and social status, so if Selina keeps harrassing you, then let someone know and they will provide justice. If you want to vent or discuss or anything, feel free to PM me - I'd be happy to listen or help if I can!x

    Much love <3
    hannahxoxo
  • hannahxoxohannahxoxo Posts: 34 Cool Newbie
    Azziman said:
    Hi Hannah,

    You need to be the mature one here. Selina will keep saying meaningless things out of spite, so don't pay attention to a word she's saying. As for the other girl, I think being civil is possible, and you need to try it out to see what happens. She may be civil back, and that's good. But she may be a more cliquey type, in which case at least you can say you tried. You could even mention to your form tutor that you're having a problem with this other girl in your tutor if it gets bad, and she'll keep an eye out for you as well. But please, don't keep taking the bait. Selina will keep shouting at you like a child to get your attention, but you need to be a adult and let her words fall on deaf ears. If she keeps harrassing you, tell a teacher. It doesn't matter what others will call you - your wellbeing is much more important than your pride and social status, so if Selina keeps harrassing you, then let someone know and they will provide justice. If you want to vent or discuss or anything, feel free to PM me - I'd be happy to listen or help if I can!x

    Much love <3
    thank you so much for this <3<3<3<3
    Azziman
  • honeyxxhoneyxx Posts: 58 Miniposter
    Hannah im so sorry your dealing with this all over again❤ what a horrible girl selina is u deserve so much more than this! How have things been now? Did u try being civil? Xxxx
  • honeyxxhoneyxx Posts: 58 Miniposter
    And u havent done anything wrong at all shes the horrible one hope your okay❤❤
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