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toxic friends
Former Member
NewbiePosts: 34 Boards Initiate
so i am currently in year 10 at high school and i have one more year left until i move to a college. my current best friend is called selina and we have been friends for over a year but its not a good friendship... we used to be together all the time and rarely fight and not be nasty to each other but recently weve made a group with two other girls and selinas changed a lot. she changed a bit before these two new friends as well so its not their fault. recently weve been getting into many more fights and not being as close as shes been going off with one of the other girls and nudging me out the way when were all walking together and not treating me nice at all. i mean when were not arguing shes a good friend i guess but because weve been arguing a lot shes been horrible. and when were arguing she is just very snaky, she insults me and turns things around on me and starts the arguments but accuses me of starting them. shes also very bossy. to be honest shes not a good friend at all as im typing this im realising that. but i dont know what to do because if i stop being friends with her i will have no other friends, and before any of you say just make friends with other people i cant, everyone has got their own friends now and itd just be really awkward. i have no idea what to do my only idea is to just deal with it for this last year because after i wont see any of these people again. my whole life ive been struggling with people like this ( horrible horrible friends ) and im really sick of it but i have no other choice... someone please help, thank you...
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Comments
Can hear how you fear being alone with no friends. But what do you feel is more damaging; being in a toxic friendship or having no friends? Personally i think id rather not have the friend at all. No one deserves to insulted.
Did you also make friends with with the group of other two girls? Maybe you could, if not? Know you said she nudges you out of the way when youre all walking. But maybe you could speak with them when selina isnt around? If you really didnt wanna leave the toxic relationship and think its worth if - for the little about of time you dont argue- then you could try finding other friends still,- know said is hard but maybe easier than you think, worth trying?
Do you work, or have any other ways you can make friends?
But i hope you make new friends in college next year, all the best
That's not a nice position to be in. It's really horrible when a good friend changes and starts treating you badly like that. And I'm really sorry that you've had to deal with other horrible friends too.
I can understand why you don't want to stop being friends with her though, making new friends in your last year of school isn't really easy and you say that you used to have a good friendship, so I can see why you're reluctant to just cut her out. What do you think has caused Selina to change over the last year? Maybe something happened at home or something and she's just taking it out on you without really realising? Or do you think it's more spiteful than that? Could she be jealous of you for some reason? Maybe you can try talking to her about it, or even just arranging to do something outside of school just the two of you that might give you the chance to get close again without the other girls.. Do you get on with the other two girls you formed a group with?
Hey! i get what youre saying but im in a position at school where if im seen alone at lunch itd just be bad and people would say stuff, also i really really hate the idea of being alone and not having anyone, trust me if i dint care about that i wouldve left her as a friend a long time ago. one of the other two girls is close with me but closer with selina, she admires her so shed side with her straight away. and the other girl is my close friend too but i couodnt just go off with her, its hard to explain i guess. i have tried and i am friends with a lot of ppl but theyre not people i feel comfortable hanging out at lunch with bc of the ppl they hang out with and stuff. thank you x
hello! she does have a tough life at home and i try to help her as much as i can with it and shes said before when shes taking her anger out on me but this is different. i think this time she does it bc she wants to be in charge and is just mad at me all the time for some reason. i think with these new friends she thinks she can just push me around bc if i go it wont affect her. we used to do something every weekend and call all the time but we havent done something in a while bc weve been arguing nd shes been choosing to call boys instead of me... yes i do get along with them i guess but one of them is more closer with selina and it feels like shes replacing me.
Sorry to hear about what's happened. From what I've seen, I think it's clear that you need to get rid of her. No good comes out of staying with someone who's constantly looking to argue with you and belittle you. I know you don't want to be alone, but you're having to pick between the lesser of two evils here - being alone is better than being with toxic, hurtful people.
The fact that you're still fighting for her and looking after tells me that she doesn't deserve even a tenth of you - despite being targeted by her, you're still willing to help her and considerate of her home life. That shows me how amazing you are, and that you are so much better, and deserve so much better, than to be treated like this.
t seems like she's using you as an emotional punching bag to try and deal with her home issues, unaware that she's hurting one of her best friends. I think you should cut all ties with her - she's expecting that you won't leave because you don't have other people to go to, so she's happy to keep you on a chain and treat you badly. Please, do the right thing and leave this toxic person and situationx
Much love
Totally agree with everything that everyone has said so far - it's better to be alone than to force yourself to be with people that belittle you and, essentially, use you as an escape for their own emotional issues without considering how it could be making you feel. Sure, they may be dealing with their own problems, but it's inexcusable if they don't even attempt to apologise for taking it out on you, or feel bad at their actions. You are a human too, and you do not deserve to have others' problems pushed onto you (it is NOT your problem at the end of the day), when you may be struggling just as much. Any healthy and successful relationship (which includes friendships) requires mutual communication and respect, it is not a one-way give and take sort of thing.
I completely understand it's scary and horrible being on your own, especially when others may be saying horrible things about you for being by yourself, however, the way I see it, what does what other people think actually matter? If they're so bothered by things that don't even relate to them that they'd want to make fun of someone like this, does their thoughts account for much? Clearly, they're not very nice people (outsiders who judge without even being involved), and it makes me really angry to think there would be people like this, but perhaps they're also struggling with something personally that makes them react like this, or they're just not mature enough to recognise that saying horrible things in this situation is just inappropriate. It's quite pitiable on their behalf.
Any decent person worth being friends with would recognise that saying horrible things here is wrong. I personally think it's admirable to be able to walk out of a toxic friendship and be comfortable on your own. Independence and being happy and confident enough within yourself to appreciate that you're worth more than what others may belittle you to, and recognising that you are capable to be on your own for a little while until others see the good in you (and, if they don't, it's their loss, not yours) is an amazing thing.
Regardless, I have read that recently you've been getting on a bit better with your friend recently, and I'm very happy for you. Have you properly discussed what has happened before this and discussed how it has been making you feel? I'm not going to try force you into doing this because I don't know the full circumstance and it wouldn't be appropriate for me to do so, however I do think it is worthwhile rather than brushing everything under the rug, in case she may revert back into acting as she did. I personally find having these sort of discussions with my own friends, when we struggle with our own personal issues and after we might argue, that it brings us closer together in the end, because we can't know what the other person is actually feeling if we don't actually communicate about it, and it elevates our level of trust between us to be able to confide in each other about these things. But it's important, I think, to remember that this is mutual: I might say that I feel a certain way, and my friend will offer me support, and if my friend says she feels a certain way, I will offer them support. It's not just one person doing all the giving or receiving, it's a mutual and shared balance between us two.
-peachysoo
You said your concerned where being alone on your lunch if you and Selina wasnt friends. Will you be alone at lunch breaks now? Or do you have the other friend?
Friends argue all the time and i know right now - may seem like the friendship is over but like ive thought that many times to end up forming the friendships again, sometimes not tho. You said you used to call and see each other on the weekend. Did you use to enjoy the friendship at one point ?
I understand friendship break ups are hard.And were listening if wanna speak more and keep us updated. How you feeling? Are you slighhtly relieved the toxic frienship is over?
You need to be the mature one here. Selina will keep saying meaningless things out of spite, so don't pay attention to a word she's saying. As for the other girl, I think being civil is possible, and you need to try it out to see what happens. She may be civil back, and that's good. But she may be a more cliquey type, in which case at least you can say you tried. You could even mention to your form tutor that you're having a problem with this other girl in your tutor if it gets bad, and she'll keep an eye out for you as well. But please, don't keep taking the bait. Selina will keep shouting at you like a child to get your attention, but you need to be a adult and let her words fall on deaf ears. If she keeps harrassing you, tell a teacher. It doesn't matter what others will call you - your wellbeing is much more important than your pride and social status, so if Selina keeps harrassing you, then let someone know and they will provide justice. If you want to vent or discuss or anything, feel free to PM me - I'd be happy to listen or help if I can!x
Much love