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*TRIGGERING* mental breakdown

apandavapandav :)Posts: 2,072
I can't cope, got told 4 more therapy sessions left, that means it end at the worst possible time, during the holidays a hard enough time. I feel I can never cope and want to die. I feel suicidal and I just don't have the guts somehow, so I'm trapped in this horrible life, so hoping for a bad accident!

:crying: I can't do this, tried Samaritans, papyrus, student health nurse is out so spoke to some other women I didn't find helpful, I lied to her too. I ain't phoning mental health team, they are kicking me out soon anyways with therapy ending and they are shit. I want to die now........
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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I understand that hearing that one support is ending for you however it's important that you know and realise that support has been there for you and will continue to be if you open up more and tell them how you're feeling!

    YOU CAN DO THIS! YOU CAN!

    Hannah x
  • AuroraAurora Part of the furniture Posts: 11,720 An Original Mixlorian
    Hello Apandav,

    How are you doing? - You posted this quite a few hours ago, so I thought I would drop in a quick reply. I get you're struggle, I really do, I can't fully relate, or all that m'larkey, but I know when therapy sessions come to a closing with an individual you've poured your heart out to and opened up to can be exceptionally difficult and may people under-estimate the real difficulty, I've had psychologists work with me for like less than 5 weeks in the past, I still cried when they told me they were leaving, because it's a difficult thing to hear, especially if you're someone who struggles to open up anyway. It's easy to open up on an anon forum, because no-one really knows you, but when it comes to people, in real life, it's about creating a bond.

    Why are the mental health team kicking you out, won't their be an alternative support route for you? Alternative therapies, different routes etc.?

    Another thing about 'holidays' - Holidays alone are difficult, issues at home, issues in general, and routine no-longer being their could be an implication, I found keeping myself busy during the holidays really helped me, I work part time, and also go to the gym, and I also try and fit in volunteering over the holidays if I can. I find that keeping myself busy and not allowing myself to have to much 'Focus' time really helped me in not over analysing, over thinking every situation in my head. Maybe that's something you could also consider? - What do you tend to do during holidays?

    Often we want to cause a 'bad situation' as a cry for help, and I really do get that, but it isn't always the ideal route to take when seeking support, when you next see your therapist, maybe you could bring up support after this, as you feel as though you need it? It's really good to hear that you really want to engage with support, ad seek help though, however, I know it's easier said than done, but honesty to all those supporting you in key.

    You said you tried support lines like Samaritans, Papyrus, how did they go? Have you thought about going into a Samaritans branch? Is that an option?

    Keep posting and do keep us updated on how things are going,
    Best wishes,
    WhispersOfTheHeart
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,427 Part of The Furniture
    Just wanted to send you some *hug*s apandav :heart:
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Thanks guys :crying: I'm at my wits end, I have no one else to confide in, hence I come on here. I was worried I'd come across badly but if you look at my threads recently a few times I've said I don't want to post too many more threads. - I come here as I can't confide in family and friends, this is my last outlet.

    Right now I'm at wits end, and feel I have only one route.

    Well if you think I'm lying that's fine, but I know I never slept all night and am making plans :crying: anyways I am posting here as a last resort I guess
  • plugitinplugitin Noob Posts: 2,197 The Mix Regular
    Apandav, you're completely welcome to post here as and when you need :) I'm sorry to hear that things are so bad right now.

    With regards to your therapy finishing, might it be worth bringing up your worries with your therapist? That way you can discuss and make a transition plan to help soften the blow when therapy does finish. Does that sound possible?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Your friends and family are there for you.You do have professional support and are lucky for that, you should acknowledge that.

    This isn't your last resort, and you know it.

    The amount of support you have on here is what you're very lucky for and you have a lot more than most do!Including myself in that too!

    Don't give up-Things are being supported for you x
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Thanks for all your support.

    I found some comments from earlier very upsetting and I have to say as it's made me hesitant to post and I just need to get closure from that - I don't need additional stress right now so please :(

    I have been very uptight since the news of therapy and it's triggered my thoughts of not coping and hopelessness- this is still an issue for me :(

    I have been having lots of suicidal thoughts, and started to make plans in my head this morning.......but after speaking to the nurse at the student health service I've calmed down a lot in that sense, but am still struggling with crying spells, and the thoughts keep creeping back. I just feel I can never cope so what's the point :(

    I just wanted to clarify I am not getting support from family or friends as I can't confide in them. I hated it when my parents found out after the police incident and have been pretending things are much better even when not, like now. My mum has made horrible comments about it and my parents questioning is overbearing so I can't confide. Also I'm feeling distant from people, I'm not feeling any love for my friends and family right now ( I don't mean that in a horrible way I'm just not feeling it inside)- the thought of seeing friends makes me feel eugh and I don't know why as they haven't done anything- I'm just not feeling it. I did tell my friends bits in the past when desperate but I feel they don't understand and they just keep telling me to tell my parents when I can't - so I'm not confiding in them, I haven't even seen them in like at least a month if not more :/

    I'm basically reliant on confiding in the student health nurse now, and as good as she helps, I can't speak to her all the time so I'm feeling very like I have no one- hence I come on here and sorry if I post so much, but I feel so much more open on here, it's my outlet and even though I don't know anyone personally on here it feels like I'm telling people, which can be helpful when I feel lost.

    I feel like there isn't much hope, after therapy I feel it's down to me , I either sink or swim and I don't feel able to cope and hence have been having lots of suicidal thoughts. Last night I was so ready to die, I still am thinking about it lots but I guess as I said I calmed down a bit and it isn't as set as I was right this moment. Truthfully it's still a solution in my mind though, and I guess I feel like this next short time is my last shot at life.
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Also I am grateful for my psychologist support, I didn't say I wasn't, I just don't feel ready to cope in life and I feel things aren't going to get better
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Just wanted to send you some *hug*s apandav :heart:

    Thank you :heart:
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    plugitin wrote: »
    Apandav, you're completely welcome to post here as and when you need :) I'm sorry to hear that things are so bad right now.

    With regards to your therapy finishing, might it be worth bringing up your worries with your therapist? That way you can discuss and make a transition plan to help soften the blow when therapy does finish. Does that sound possible?

    Thanks for your reply.

    The student health nurse also advised me to do that. I am thinking about it, I wish I could but the only reason I'm hesitating as I'm worried as to what she will say in response :/

    She did say that if I want we can do 2 weekly appointments to drag it out instead of weekly now, as she said some people find it helpful so I guess that's something to maybe soften the blow.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Your friends and family are there for you.You do have professional support and are lucky for that, you should acknowledge that.

    This isn't your last resort, and you know it.

    The amount of support you have on here is what you're very lucky for and you have a lot more than most do!Including myself in that too!

    Don't give up-Things are being supported for you x

    You can't really say something like this. It's rude, unnecessary and most importantly it is not a competition in the slightest. You're pretty much dismissing how apandav feels and that isn't supportive. Nobody can truly know what someone else's situation is like and it's wrong to assume.

    I've no idea what to say apandav but I wish I could give you a big hug. It's absolutely horrific when people stop working with you, and that on top of the things you're already going through is an awful lot for one person to deal with. Keep trying to hang on in there. We're here for you *hug*
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Hello Apandav,

    How are you doing? - You posted this quite a few hours ago, so I thought I would drop in a quick reply. I get you're struggle, I really do, I can't fully relate, or all that m'larkey, but I know when therapy sessions come to a closing with an individual you've poured your heart out to and opened up to can be exceptionally difficult and may people under-estimate the real difficulty, I've had psychologists work with me for like less than 5 weeks in the past, I still cried when they told me they were leaving, because it's a difficult thing to hear, especially if you're someone who struggles to open up anyway. It's easy to open up on an anon forum, because no-one really knows you, but when it comes to people, in real life, it's about creating a bond.

    Why are the mental health team kicking you out, won't their be an alternative support route for you? Alternative therapies, different routes etc.?

    Another thing about 'holidays' - Holidays alone are difficult, issues at home, issues in general, and routine no-longer being their could be an implication, I found keeping myself busy during the holidays really helped me, I work part time, and also go to the gym, and I also try and fit in volunteering over the holidays if I can. I find that keeping myself busy and not allowing myself to have to much 'Focus' time really helped me in not over analysing, over thinking every situation in my head. Maybe that's something you could also consider? - What do you tend to do during holidays?

    Often we want to cause a 'bad situation' as a cry for help, and I really do get that, but it isn't always the ideal route to take when seeking support, when you next see your therapist, maybe you could bring up support after this, as you feel as though you need it? It's really good to hear that you really want to engage with support, ad seek help though, however, I know it's easier said than done, but honesty to all those supporting you in key.

    You said you tried support lines like Samaritans, Papyrus, how did they go? Have you thought about going into a Samaritans branch? Is that an option?

    Keep posting and do keep us updated on how things are going,
    Best wishes,
    WhispersOfTheHeart

    Thank you very much whispers, thanks for your understanding :heart:

    I'm still not great as I said earlier, but calmed down a little bit for now.

    No once my therapy is over I don't have any support on the NHS , other than my GP - who gives me meds, I actually feel she's no longer listening properly for multiple reasons, which is frustrating. Been advised I can see someone else but I feel to worried to say, and it's not her I just feel as she "thinks she knows " me well enough now, and is starting to make assumptions.

    Holidays I don't normally do much and I know keeping busy really helps me, I started volunteering a month ago for that reason, but I will have so much more time after exams too :( and as much as I want a job I feel unable to get one as I don't feel like I have it in me, that people probably won't want to hire me, hence another reason why I feel hopeless and stuck.

    Thanks, I really need to try and open up to her as I said, but I worry so much about her response it's putting me off :/ I'm still thinking a lot about suicide as an option, but I guess I'm a bit less set on it after talking today :( I just feel I want to escape and prevent bad things from happening, more hurt and all that struggle trying to cope as I feel I can't and won't.

    Yes I've tried both Samaritans and papyrus. Papyrus were very helpful and Samaritans helped to some extent when talking but I get frustrated when I don't get any advice as obviously they don't give it. I have been to a Samaritans branch instead but I'm not to keen on it, as I've had people I felt uncomfortable around before and I feel I have to chat to that person. Whereas on the phone I can just end the call and find someone else straight after. And I have really struggled to chat in their branch before. Plus there branch itself I feel it gives me a lot of anxiety, it's in some Victorian looking building and I don't feel comfortable with the environment either. I have had a couple positive experiences at the branch, but I feel phone normally is best and more likely to be positive.
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072

    You can't really say something like this. It's rude, unnecessary and most importantly it is not a competition in the slightest. You're pretty much dismissing how apandav feels and that isn't supportive. Nobody can truly know what someone else's situation is like and it's wrong to assume.

    I've no idea what to say apandav but I wish I could give you a big hug. It's absolutely horrific when people stop working with you, and that on top of the things you're already going through is an awful lot for one person to deal with. Keep trying to hang on in there. We're here for you *hug*

    Thank you butterfly :heart:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You don't seem as though you're exaggerating in the slightest apandav, if anything you're probably playing it down. It can feel like the end of the world when something that helps you is coming to an end - it's absolutely devestating and personally I find it difficult to explain just how utterly desperate it makes you feel.

    I think you've handled the disgusting comments really maturely and that in itself isn't an easy thing to do when you're feeling so low. Give yourself a pat on the back and say as much as you want to about how you feel. If it helps you to get through something then that's great and it's worth everything. *hug*
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,427 Part of The Furniture
    I hope your okay apandav. :heart:
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    I post when I feel lost, hopeless and have no where to go- I never tell people half the stuff I say on here, I also come here to vent. I'm not in a great place now.

    Gradually I've felt more able to post here and I feel very open on here, themix makes me feel less alone, when I feel like no one understands in my life, usually I feel understood here. Yes I maybe rely on it emotionally more than I should, but I'm not doing it to attention seek.
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    I hope your okay apandav. :heart:

    Thanks :(

    I took a risk in posting here and to be honest in posting I feel worse, I'm very upset by these comments :crying:

    I could understand if I was rude, horrible and mean to people but that's not the case :(
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    You don't seem as though you're exaggerating in the slightest apandav, if anything you're probably playing it down. It can feel like the end of the world when something that helps you is coming to an end - it's absolutely devestating and personally I find it difficult to explain just how utterly desperate it makes you feel.

    I think you've handled the disgusting comments really maturely and that in itself isn't an easy thing to do when you're feeling so low. Give yourself a pat on the back and say as much as you want to about how you feel. If it helps you to get through something then that's great and it's worth everything. *hug*

    Thank you, this is a big deal for me - I feel like I'm going it alone from here :(
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,427 Part of The Furniture
    apandav wrote: »

    Thanks :(

    I took a risk in posting here and to be honest in posting I feel worse, I'm very upset by these comments :crying:

    I could understand if I was rude, horrible and mean to people but that's not the case :(

    We care about you. I am so sorry your feeling upset and hurt by the comments made. Trust me though me and others really do care. :heart:
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072

    We care about you. I am so sorry your feeling upset and hurt by the comments made. Trust me though me and others really do care. :heart:

    Thanks, it means a lot :heart:
  • plugitinplugitin Noob Posts: 2,197 The Mix Regular
    apandav wrote: »

    Thanks for your reply.

    The student health nurse also advised me to do that. I am thinking about it, I wish I could but the only reason I'm hesitating as I'm worried as to what she will say in response :/

    She did say that if I want we can do 2 weekly appointments to drag it out instead of weekly now, as she said some people find it helpful so I guess that's something to maybe soften the blow.

    I did that - slowly had longer in between appointments and it definitely helped me to deal with it.

    It's worth bringing up - it seems you have an otherwise good relationship with your therapist.
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    plugitin wrote: »

    I did that - slowly had longer in between appointments and it definitely helped me to deal with it.

    It's worth bringing up - it seems you have an otherwise good relationship with your therapist.

    Yeah I think I'm definitely going to reduce the time between my appointment, overall it will make things a bit longer. Finding to really hard to come to terms with therapy ending and so worried about coping, I have this fear and have for a while about a lot of stuff, which means my life will be bad , and although I learned a few things in therapy never really solved this problem, it keeps coming back. Also I had therapy before this lot of therapy with someone else and I never coped after and that's why I got referred to this psychologist.

    I will try to tell her, I never did it last time, I'm so scared. What's the best way to word it?
  • independent_independent_ Resident Coffee Addict ScotlandPosts: 6,835 Master Poster
    Apandav: you do not sound like you're exaggerating, at all! Don't listen to that!!! You're not attention seaking, either. It's absolutely great that you feel able to post here and receive support. I and others do care about you!
    I'm not really sure how to support you, but *hugs*. This must be so difficult for you!
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey @apandav,

    Really sorry to hear you're feeling so low at the moment. It can feel really overwhelming and scary when you are about to lose a form of support that has meant so much to you. Perhaps whilst the counselling was ongoing you felt you had that safety net, and having that come to an end might cause you to feel a bit more vulnerable and sensitive. Your feeling are all valid, and your journey with your therapist will have been incredibly personal and a big change, so the process of finishing will naturally bring up some pretty intense emotions.

    I wonder if you've been able to speak to your mentor at uni about how you're feeling about everything? I remember you saying that talking to her has helped you in the past. You are more than welcome to use this space as an outlet and to vent as often and as much as you'd like to; that's what the boards are here for. We are here to try to help you feel supported and listened to; so it's great that you have felt able to open up to us on here, and we hope that you can continue to do so.

    With regards to some earlier posts in this thread; I have deleted/edited those that are off topic, so that we can focus on listening to and supporting apandav here.

    @HannahBannanna[/USER] I do need to say that nobody here is exaggerating anything, and as [USER="48607"]butterfly123[/USER] says, we can't always truly understand somebody else's situation, but we can try to be supportive towards them - and your posts on this thread haven't demonstrated this. The boards are a space for users to talk about their feelings and seek care and support. Some of our users may like to keep posting on here and that's absolutely fine if that is helping them; it doesn't mean they are attention seeking, but rather care seeking. As apandav has said, if you'd like to discuss anything on here please PM [USER="95867"]The Mix, but do also try to refrain from posting responses that are off topic and potentially making other users feel uncomfortable. Taking a break from posting might also help if you're feeling worked up.

    We really are here for our community, and do feel free to start a new thread if you can - we'll always try our best to help you :yes:

    Let us know how you're getting on apandav *hug*
  • plugitinplugitin Noob Posts: 2,197 The Mix Regular
    apandav wrote: »

    Yeah I think I'm definitely going to reduce the time between my appointment, overall it will make things a bit longer. Finding to really hard to come to terms with therapy ending and so worried about coping, I have this fear and have for a while about a lot of stuff, which means my life will be bad , and although I learned a few things in therapy never really solved this problem, it keeps coming back. Also I had therapy before this lot of therapy with someone else and I never coped after and that's why I got referred to this psychologist.

    I will try to tell her, I never did it last time, I'm so scared. What's the best way to word it?

    You could bring it up as feeling anxious about therapy ending and how you'll cope, or your therapist might bring it up at some point and you could say then? How does that feel?
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Thanks Raich for your reply.

    It is very scary, this is my second lot of therapy but this time it was more regular and longer - last time I had a freak out and went downhill, that scares me a lot as it feels I'll go the same way but obviously I've used up all my therapy etc. now. :( i know therapy is supposed to enable you to be independent in dealing with your own problems, even my psychologist said that- but I don't feel able to be independent as I've not been so great at managing things even with therapy. It's not like my psychologist said your ready it's time to end therapy but she said its time limited and I understand that. I am grateful for it but it doesn't take away any fear etc. Of course I'm grateful as if I wasn't I wouldn't care about it ending :(

    My uni mentor does know, in her opinion maybe therapy didn't even work in the first place as I should be independent and this upsets me more when she says this. She is a PhD psychology student but that's only a coincidence and obviously she just tend to share her opinion and doesn't give advice, depends what it is is if it helps, but this isn't helpful.

    Thanks Raich, honestly if I couldn't post here I don't know where all this emotion would go. I'm aware I have psychologist etc. But when I'm not at therapy etc, during the weekend etc. if I need to I can come here.
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    plugitin wrote: »

    You could bring it up as feeling anxious about therapy ending and how you'll cope, or your therapist might bring it up at some point and you could say then? How does that feel?

    Yeah that's a good idea, maybe saying anxiety would be easier way. I'll just have to wait and see.....
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Right now just thinking about life, I'm petrified , I so don't know what to do :( what should I do?

    I'm in the middle of exams right now , and I just keep thinking what's the point my life will be terrible but I'm forcing myself to keep going with the studying and it's so hard as I have all this therapy ending stuff :( why am I even trying? I'm feeling low this morning, trying to think about life positively but all I see is negative
  • StephSteph Moderator Posts: 448 Boards Initiate
    Hi Apandav,:wave:

    How are you feeling this evening? Sorry to hear that you're feeling really low at the moment. It's really good that you feel able to post about how you're feeling here. You were saying earlier this morning that you were thinking about life and that you're petrified. That sounds really tough for you. What's making you say that you're petrified? You were saying that you don't know what to do, what is it that you'd like to happen ideally?

    It sounds really hard that you're finding it difficult at the moment and that all you're seeing is negative. It's really good that you're trying to think about life positively. If things were to change for you in your life would you still feel the same as you do now?

    It's really positive that you're posting here, feel free to post as much as you'd like to, we're here for you *hug*
  • independent_independent_ Resident Coffee Addict ScotlandPosts: 6,835 Master Poster
    Hey Apandav, was just wondering how you are doing this evening?
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
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