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*TRIGGERING* mental breakdown



  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Thanks plugitin :)
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    I am really annoyed by my GP and want to change (technically she's not my registered GP anyways, so there isn't any point in writing to my surgery.

    When another GP left the room briefly I looked at one of my notes on the computer screen:

    Apparently I was upset for no reason :banghead: clearly shes not listening to me anymore and I've had enough- recently she has been passing over everything I say and making assumptions, a good few months ago I gave her a very brief note and she made no attempt to read it whatsoever (handed it back to me), she didn't even say sorry I don't have enough time.

    I get really upset normally after I see her, last time she made a comment saying my depression is due to my personality- I got uptight and she wrote in my notes how I agree with her on this (I never said that!!!). She did tell me my anxiety is getting better so lower my dose of meds soon(ish)- fair enough, anxiety is improving but mood is shit. She tends to listen to my anxiety problems and dismiss my mood!!!!! Apparently my suicidal thought were due to anxiety, and I wasn't anxious at that point but was very low.

    After going behind her back to see another GP, I am extremely scared to go back, I don't know what to do- I need to see her for meds, and the GP surgery wants me to see her for reviews (as she's the person who prescribed me them and has been reviewing me). Now its been almost a year, she wants me off them at the latest- 18months since I started. I kinda thought maybe they make my mood worse so I'll try a lower dose. But I'm so confused the other GP is talking about how there is no point in changing meds as the transition time would probably be worse for me, which is a fair point. But according to my usual doctor my citalopram (an antidepressant) is for my anxiety, although it may help mood a bit as its an antidepressant- feeling confused as it is an "antidepressant". Basically different messages from both GPs I felt the second listened a lot more.

    I am literally too scared to see my usual GP again,and I don't have the guts to tell her about how she is making me feel.

    I might discuss this with the student health nurse actually....
  • StephSteph Moderator Posts: 448 Boards Initiate
    Hi Apandav,

    How are you feeling today?

    Sorry to hear about this situation with your GP. Sounds like a really difficult position to be in. It's really good that you're writing on here about whats been happening.

    You were saying that you went to see another GP and are now extremely scared to go to your usual GP and that you don't have the guts to tell her how she's making you feel. You mentioned that you're so confused after getting different messages from both GP's. It does sound really confusing. We've got an article called 'I don't like my doctor' which might be useful to read.

    You were also saying that you might discuss this with the student health nurse, do you think you might speak to the student health nurse about this?

    Let us know how you're doing, we're all here for you *hug*
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Hi Steph,

    Thanks for your reply.

    Yeah, I'll check out the article. I just don't feel I have the guts to saying anything to that GP and I worry about her finding out.

    I am hopefully going to speak to the student health nurse today (if she is in), she helps me a lot, and really knows my situation and is always willing to talk, advise me or whatever.

    Honestly I'm feeling very low right now- just the fact its summer has dawned on me, but I'm trying to stay busy.......its so hard though :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey apandav,

    Did you have a chance to take a look at the article that Steph shared? It's totally okay to see another GP if you don't feel comfortable with the other. You are entitled to ask for a second opinion or alternative support :yes:

    It's great that you feel you can confide in your student health nurse; I wonder if you managed to talk to her?

    Hope you're doing okay today *hug*
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Hi Raich, thanks for your reply!

    I'm going to try to see another GP next time, but don't know if it will be allowed - generally supposed to see same GP for medication review :/

    I did talk to her and she said similar things to everyone here- she did say remember it's to help you , which is correct, whether my GP is annoyed (not saying that's true) ultimately it's about my mental health so I can decide what's best for me.

    Honestly I'm not good today, been crying a bit too......... Just feeling very depressed and feeling like people (my friend) don't understand and I understand they are trying to help but I'm just getting more frustrated. Also I feel although things can get better at times (not necessarily great, but okayish) I consistently and frequently go downhill - I know ups and downs are common, but I get so low that I have suicidal thoughts and like think about them seriously. I guess the inconsistency and reoccurring of these feelings is just as bad as the depression itself, to be honest. And I was just thinking today about (extreme) ways out.

    I did phone papyrus though and am going to do the safe box as planned, and I do have a safe plan which I've agreed with papyrus that I can work on as I use it and contact them for advice - I also agreed with them that I'd make a start on the safe box......I will do it, but I don't know why I do it?!

    Also I've been feeling very lethargic recently, and I have been sleeping better which makes it less understandable, my body feels very heavy. I physically feel tierd, I don't know if it's linked to depression, weight gain (I've put on. Lot) or circumstances, but that in itself is draining, like I feel physically tierd to do simple things like walk up stairs , my body feels super heavy. It does make me feel mentally down too. I've also been sleepy, like falling asleep during the day and tiredness despite sleeping - yesterday I slept 17 hours on and off throughout the day, and I've never slept that much for as long as I can remember.
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Why do I even tell helplines about my plans to die.

    I want to so why do I bother. Them they say clearly you won't as you haven't yet, and I apparently know it, makes me want to take my life even more.

    Apparently I'm supposed to learn to cope with these thoughts, why would I want to when I want to die.
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Apologies for last post :/ I'm quite low but I got really worked up after speaking to a helpline advisor at breathing space - I ended up phoning back and although things aren't resolved I feel a lot calmer and at ease- the other advisor agreed what was said wasn't very helpful, I got offered to make a complaint- which I refused as the person has helped in the past, anyways she's going to anonymously pass it on so that they can learn in training but no official action. Also the other advisor was actually listening which helped me
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Just hit me again.........therapy is ending - 2 more sessions after tomorrow! Been looking online at articles etc. And they are all from America, so paid and hence the patient decides when they are ready. But I get mine on NHS so I'm almost up to my limit now, and I don't feel ready. People say you have the skills to do it now, and I understand the purpose of therapy is to learn to cope on your own - I don't feel I can ever cope on my own. Still get regular suicidal thoughts :( thinking about this, just makes me panic and want to just quit ...
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    People say you don't want to be in therapy forever , and to be honest I'd rather that ....... I don't feel I can cope on my own. I know it won't happen though.
  • StephSteph Moderator Posts: 448 Boards Initiate
    Hi apandav,

    Sounds like things are hard at the moment. You're doing really well to post here about how you're feeling. You were saying that you'd rather be in therapy and that you don't feel like you can cope on your own. What makes you say that you don't think you can cope on your own? You were saying a few posts back that you understand that the purpose of therapy is to learn to cope on your own, you also say that you don't know feel you can ever cope on your own. What makes you say that you don't think you ever will?

    You were saying that you still get regular suicidal thoughts thinking about this, sounds really tough to deal with, what is it you get suicidal thoughts thinking about in particular? You also said that you've been speaking to Papyrus about making a safe box, how did you find speaking to them?

    We're all here for you *hug*
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Hi Steph,

    A few reasons why I feel I won't cope on my own: I don't trust myself, I struggle without having someone to reinforce things, I'm not confident in myself, I went downhill after my first lot of therapy ended, my way of coping isn't great- when I get so low, which I can easily get- I'm more concerned about thinking about suicide , than therapy work etc. As what would be the point if I wasn't here? Yes, I said that as that's what people tell me and I feel it makes sense- but it's not how I feel inside. Same reasons as above, why I feel ill never be able to cope- also just because it's "me", It feels like part of my personality is my lack of copeing (don't know I'm if explaining that well).

    That's true, I often get them weekly but if I'm lucky I can skip a week or two, the most I've went without is a month (which only happened once). I get suicidal thoughts when- I feel I've lost control, or I feel I'm not enjoying life or I feel things won't get better or when I feel people don't understand me or when I feel my future is doomed or sometimes if people make horrible comments to me and say nasty things too or when things feel out with my control and also lack of structure is another trigger for me. I know it seems maybe I'm exgarrating and I wish I was, apparently my psychologist says it seems to be my copeing mechanism (all be it not a very good one). Yes I have papyrus have been so helpful, they are great at working with people experiencing suicidal thoughts and or desires - I have started making my safe box and I re-newed my safe plan with their help, also when I felt at risk the lady stayed on the phone with me until I got on the bus, they have helped me when I have suicidal thoughts and i do believe they have helped me to save my life (when I was feeling pretty unsafe). My suicidal thoughts do vary a lot from just thoughts to attempting to be unsafe and wanting to die.

    Also just want to update- my psychologist broached the subject of therapy ending today (so glad she did, I never had the guts to say on my own) and as nervous as I am I feel a bit better, as we've planned that I next session- we will discuss copeing on my own (without therapy) in the long run as that's what concerns me the most. So hopefully that will maybe make me feel more optimistic. Next appointment is 2 weeks and in the meantime she's gave me more sheets to have a look at and I will so that I'm as prepared as possible for my (second last) session!
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