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*TRIGGERING* mental breakdown

2

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  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Steph wrote: »
    Hi Apandav,:wave:

    How are you feeling this evening? Sorry to hear that you're feeling really low at the moment. It's really good that you feel able to post about how you're feeling here. You were saying earlier this morning that you were thinking about life and that you're petrified. That sounds really tough for you. What's making you say that you're petrified? You were saying that you don't know what to do, what is it that you'd like to happen ideally?

    It sounds really hard that you're finding it difficult at the moment and that all you're seeing is negative. It's really good that you're trying to think about life positively. If things were to change for you in your life would you still feel the same as you do now?

    It's really positive that you're posting here, feel free to post as much as you'd like to, we're here for you *hug*

    Thanks for your replies Steph and @Elleloveschocolate :)

    Feeling a bit better tonight, just been focusing during the day studying, which has kept me distracted from my thoughts and emotions for a bit. Don't know what I will do when exams are over though :/ too much free time to think :/

    Steph, I'm petrified of life and the changes that will come as I progress further in life- moving out, meeting people, getting a job etc. I don't feel mature enough to deal with these things as I struggle to do basic things like tidy up and I get too anxious to check my bank account, which I should be doing. I also lack a lot of self confidence, don't feel good enough to get a job, I don't feel able to do these sorts of things. Additionally I really struggle to manage my emotions, yes I have issues right now but i get really uptight over things others wouldn't and feel I act childish a lot e.g. I burst into tears if someone shouts at me, I hate conforntation so avoid it. I get upset and worried when i have gave the wrong change in the past by accident in case they think I'm trying to shoplift and that's just a few examples. When I get uptight if I'm at home alone I scream and punch walls. I feel very weird in many ways and worry about fitting in, (that might be due to undiagnosed aspergers, it's complicated, I'm going to be getting tested for it). Oh and that reminds me i find social situations very difficult and am so worried about getting lonely when I'm older. I don't want a relationship , that just freaks me out. I just have so many reasons in my head and there's so much more.

    Ideally I wish I could have all my life planned right now, the lack of structure to life also freaks me out - I would rather someone told me how to life my life, I'm terrible with making choices and am so struggling with life. After listing a lot of stuff it's just made me think some (not all) stuff might be attributed to if I do have aspergers- just a thought- not that would change things anyways. Sorry I've gone off track, I just think it could be linked a lot to how I think etc. and I honestly think a lot of my mh issues stem from undiagnosed AS , and probably also cause I was bullied a lot when younger.

    Hmm.......if I were to change who I am in life would I still feel the same - I'm not really sure what you mean here, but I can't really know as I'm not experiencing that change.
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    I don't understand why I can go from okay to having suicidal thoughts so quickly :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    apandav wrote: »
    I honestly don't mean to attention seek, if it comes across that way. I don't understand why you are doing this to me? Please leave me alone.

    It doesn't come across that way at all apandav. Much easier said than done, I know, but try not to take any notice. Listen to all of the people on here that have taken time out to support you. So many people care and that wouldn't be the case if you were being anything other than real. How are you feeling this morning? Did you manage much sleep last night? *hug*
  • Cat88Cat88 Moderator Posts: 377 Boards Initiate
    HI apandav - sounds like things are still difficult. Please do ignore the inappropriate posts, the rest of us are very much happy to listen to anything you want to say.

    I'm sure a lot of people can relate to some of the stuff you're scared about. Do you have any thoughts on what you want to happen in your life at the moment? Are there any small things which might help you feel better about the longer term? Sometimes thinking one step at a time is easier than trying to look at the whole big picture.
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072

    It doesn't come across that way at all apandav. Much easier said than done, I know, but try not to take any notice. Listen to all of the people on here that have taken time out to support you. So many people care and that wouldn't be the case if you were being anything other than real. How are you feeling this morning? Did you manage much sleep last night? *hug*

    Thank you, I'm trying not to this about issues coping and therapy ending too much as I'm in the middle of exams. To be honest I don't know why I want to pass my exams, when I feel my life will end up terrible- I must care as I'm getting worried and stressed about them. But these issues always hit me really hard, and I still don't feel like I'll be able to cope.
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Cat88 wrote: »
    HI apandav - sounds like things are still difficult. Please do ignore the inappropriate posts, the rest of us are very much happy to listen to anything you want to say.

    I'm sure a lot of people can relate to some of the stuff you're scared about. Do you have any thoughts on what you want to happen in your life at the moment? Are there any small things which might help you feel better about the longer term? Sometimes thinking one step at a time is easier than trying to look at the whole big picture.

    Thanks Cat.

    To be honest, I don't even know exactly what I want, which is really ironic and doesn't make sense I know. Well in saying that as much as I feel things will go badly, I do care about my exams (which I don't understand) so I'm trying my best to use them as a distraction. Knowing my future and what will happen if it's positive would make me feel better in the long term, but that's not possible. I'm feeling really confused to be honest about so many things.

    I know, focusing on the here and now is a lot about what is in therapy, I'm trying to as using studying as a distraction but it's very hard :/
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey apandav,

    I think the fact that you are still posting shows great resilience and strength of character *hug* Apologies that those posts came through, we have double checked things our end and this shouldn't happen again so I hope you feel able to continue.

    It sounds like the exams are important to you deep down even if you can't quite put your finger on why at the moment as your thoughts about the future seem confused and unsure.

    Our thoughts and feelings can be quite separate things sometimes for example we might think 'why am I bothering?' but our gut feeling still pushes us forwards, to me this shows that beneath the difficult thoughts you still hold hope and hope is so important :heart:

    Change takes time and right now it sound like you're in the thick of it with exams and with all these worries about plans and the future as well. Consider how much your awareness and understanding of yourself has grown over the last few months though.. You have some good tools for looking after yourself and you're good at recognising what you need and what helps. There is a sense of just keep going at the moment! You're doing well, you're engaging with support on offer, you're doing your best with your studies, you're reaching out when you feel overwhelmed, don't forget to give yourself a bit of credit too! None of us can do everything perfectly but we can aim to be 'good enough'. Planning your ending with your therapist is important, thinking about what you want to do in the final session and how you can hold on to what you have learned to help you cope in the future.

    Sending positive thoughts your way :)
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Thanks for your reply Jo.

    That's really interesting that you say about thoughts and feelings, I feel what you describe really makes sense. It remind me of what my psychologist says- thoughts, feelings and behaviours are all connected.

    I guess I forget I have make progress and am getting somewhere, even if slowly, it's just hard when I get so bogged down in negativity and caught up in my emotions. I am going to try to aim to be "good enough". I've got 4 sessions left so I'm going to have to decide the most important things to talk about as I want to (and hope I will) be more prepared to end therapy (if not completely ready). Talking about it now, just makes me feel really scared, guess I just got to face reality - I hope I can do it!
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    As I do my exams I should feel happy they are done, but instead I just feel more sad as I know it's getting closer to the holidays. As hard as things have been with therapy ending, I've managed to block a lot of feeling out by studying, and when I get time- it just suddenly hits me like a tonne of bricks. One more exam left, and I feel that's it- summers began, I'm just not feeling it. I feel like I should feel excited at the prospect of free time- the opportunity to see friends etc. I just don't feel it though. I need to try and get a job , but my confidence is so low right now too :/ additionally therapy ending during my holiday period, I normally struggle during holidays as it is - the lack of structure doesn't do my good and yes I'm planning to do stuff and wrote a list but still I'm just not feel it. Also having stuff to do for uni I feel like I have to do it so do it, whereas writing day plans over the holidays a lot of the stuff I won't feel I have to do, which makes motivation even harder. People say do this , you could do that and I appreciate the advise but I do have plans etc and it's not as easy as just doing something. Then I have even less people to confide in over the holidays, I don't see my mentor again until after summer, therapy will be ending during that time, and I can't confide in my friends and family (and I want to add that I have tried to confide in them and have actually done but it never works out and makes me feel worse)- so feeling pretty lonely with everything too. Also weary my mh went very downhill both over the last Christmas holidays (much shorter than summer too) and also after my last therapy finished.
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    :crying: I don't want summer to come, holidays are hard and so is therapy ending- both will be happening at the same time- I can't even talk to my mentor (only get during term time). My world feels like it's going to come crashing down again......... I don't feel I can do this :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey apandav,

    It's natural to feel apprehensive about how close the holidays are, as well as the end of your therapy. Your feelings about all of these things happening at once are entirely valid. It's really positive that you've been able to identify what it is that you'll struggle with and that you've been planning and writing things down; so well done for this. It will be really good for you to have a plan in place to help you get through the holidays.

    I wonder how you might have thought about constructing your plans? It can feel overwhelming trying to plan for a big chunk of time. Would it be easier to break it down into weeks, or even days and take each as it comes? You mentioned having some structure and feeling that you have to do something - things like a summer job, volunteering, or maybe some sort of course over the summer, might offer a bit more structure and motivation. What do you think?

    In regards to your counselling, is it worth discussing with your counsellor how it coming to an end is making you feel, and perhaps coming up with a strategy together to support you in becoming more comfortable with the idea, as well as plans for what you can do after therapy has ended? You might also consider taking a look at The Mix's telephone counselling service, for short-term support if you feel it might help.

    You can always keep talking to us on here too :yes:
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Hi Raich,

    Thanks for your reply. I will start my plans as soon as my last exam on the 24th (next week) , already got a volunteering position at charity shop so I can do that whilst I sort other things. I'm just going to not stress about parent pressure, I will start my CV after my last exam.

    I will say to my psychologist about how I feel when I see her on Wednesday, and update as to how it went after. Thanks, its good to know- I don't want to have to keep going back to therapy/counselling though- starting and ending is hard.

    Also got GP on wednesday for a review of my citalopram, after speaking to the student health I've decided I'm going to write down what I plan to say- I'm getting frustrated as she isn't really listening to me, but I'll give it another shot. I'm also curious as to whether these tablets are making me better, not doing anything or worse- I want to consider lowering my dose to see how it goes. I don't know the right time though, as I have a lot going on with summer (holidays are harder) and therapy ending- maybe lowering the dose will help , maybe it wont and this uncertainty is really frustrating me. I really don't know what to do with meds :S

    Currently feeling lost and confused about various things, got a bit emotional when speaking to student health nurse, but it helped to talk
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    I want to escape .....
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    I want to die.......... I don't even know where to start
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey,

    I know you're aware of your options but please do reach out to Papyrus or Samaritans perhaps if the feelings are becoming overbearing.

    Can you think of anything to distract you?

    Try not to be too hard on yourself during this stressful time. We're here if you need to talk through things some more *hug*
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Really want to die now :( but I keep wavering, its like I'm lost. I know I want it. For some reason I haven't so I am waiting on papyrus calling back, samaritans didn't really help.

    I told my psychologist this morning, but I felt more able to stay safe- I'm now really considering it. I see my GP in 2 hours, as if thats going to help!!!! Someone please take away my pain world .................... :(
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    raich wrote: »
    Hey,

    I know you're aware of your options but please do reach out to Papyrus or Samaritans perhaps if the feelings are becoming overbearing.

    Can you think of anything to distract you?

    Try not to be too hard on yourself during this stressful time. We're here if you need to talk through things some more *hug*


    Thank Raich,

    Supposed to be studying but fuck it, I have alterior motives
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    apandav wrote: »
    Really want to die now :( but I keep wavering, its like I'm lost. I know I want it. For some reason I haven't so I am waiting on papyrus calling back, samaritans didn't really help.

    I told my psychologist this morning, but I felt more able to stay safe- I'm now really considering it. I see my GP in 2 hours, as if thats going to help!!!! Someone please take away my pain world .................... :(


    It might be worth mentioning this to your GP if you're feeling this bad and actively suicidal. *hug* please let us know how things go
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    I said to her, all I got is my anxiety seems to have got better, but the mood is down to me, she told me its my personality......GREAT IM FUCKED , MY PERSONALITY IS WRONG :crying: I really want to die, but I just struggle to go through with it, I want someone to help me or encourage me......I end up phoning helplines and I end up feeling dettered a bit, then boom I cry, I want to die. I was standing near the canal today, but I just looked and couldn't go through with it :(
  • Cat88Cat88 Moderator Posts: 377 Boards Initiate
    Hey apandav we're obviously all pretty worried about you. Is there anyone else you can talk to? family or friends? we will of course listen as much as you like!

    If you aren't going through with it then I'm hoping that somewhere inside there is something to live for - no matter how small it may seem. Perhaps think about what makes you happy, even if it's as small as "I like chocolate" or something like that, and go from there.
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Cat88 wrote: »
    Hey apandav we're obviously all pretty worried about you. Is there anyone else you can talk to? family or friends? we will of course listen as much as you like!

    If you aren't going through with it then I'm hoping that somewhere inside there is something to live for - no matter how small it may seem. Perhaps think about what makes you happy, even if it's as small as "I like chocolate" or something like that, and go from there.

    Not really Cat, it makes me feel worse confiding in friends and family. I phoned papyrus not long after I wrote the above post, we talked about how to stay safe, they stayed on the phone with me until I got the bus , as home is safer right now- now I'm home I'm so tierd and have like no energy. I still want to die, I just never manage to do it.

    Thanks for listening. I do love my dogs a lot, and I like chocolate too, I just don't feel it's going to change my life, but I will try and focus on the smaller things, as obviously I'm not very successful right now.
  • Cat88Cat88 Moderator Posts: 377 Boards Initiate
    Morning apandav :) one step at a time. my mother in law told me something she does which I really like - every day (or more often if you like!) she write down on a little bit of paper something she was happy about or grateful for that day, then the idea is you open it on New Years Eve at the end of the year - but I thought it could even just be that you open it whenever you're feeling at your lowest to remind you about happy things.

    I'm really glad you spoke to papyrus - how did you find that?
  • RavenclawRavenclaw Noob Posts: 74 The answer to life, the universe, and everything
    Hey apandav, I hope you're having a better day today. My thoughts are with you. I'm sorry to hear your GP didn't give you the response you were hoping for; are you still considering seeing a different GP for a different point of view or second opinion, perhaps?

    I love the idea that @Cat88 mentioned - I did this a couple of years ago, putting lots of nice events and happy moments into a jar, which I then opened on New Year's Eve. It was a really great way of remembering that a lot of good things happened that year! But as was said, you could just do this every week if you find that easier :)

    I remember you mentioning a while back that you find it really difficult to stop the bad thoughts you suffer from because it feels like lying to yourself. Then today I was reading this article about worry stopping and I wondered if maybe this different way of looking things might help you? The idea is that instead of trying not to think the thoughts, you allow yourself to think them, but you recognise where they're coming from (e.g, depression or anxiety) and accept that they're there without necessarily believing or paying attention to them. The page explains it better than I can - and the same site also has a cool idea for scheduling 'worry appointments' which sound like a great way of limiting the time you spend feeling anxious/bad to one part of the day and also seeing the thoughts from a new view. Different things work for different people of course, but I thought I'd pass the links along. Do either of these sound like something that might help a little?

    Sending hugs! *hug*
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Thanks for your replies Cat and Ravenclaw.

    I ended up going to the GPs for a second opinion today (at their drop in, after talking to my mentor this motivated me). Well I was 100% honest, and I actually went to discuss meds etc. with a different doctor. Anyways I ended up getting an appointment within 20mins of seeing the GP at my mental health team to see a psychiatric nurse. (I honestly wasn't expecting it, but considering how I was I went).

    So the nurse said apparently I'm supposed to contact the MH team regarding MH issues, and not the GP........I'm confused as I get medication from my GP, so obviously I need to. I'm supposed to phone the MH team, :( I really don't like phoning them - most of them make me feel worse :( and truthfully, I worry about ending up in hospital or something if I phone them regarding suicidal thoughts (I do know thats a last resort, but I just have the fear in my mind, although I'm really not good today, I think if I went yesterday they may have sent me to hospital due to the way I was acting (shall not say , so I don't trigger).).

    I'm feeling really confused with what all the health professionals are saying :( different GPs, psychologist and the mh team.

    Other than that, I talked and at first this woman was so scary- very stern and quite harsh voice (think thats just the way mh nurses are trained to act)- but near the end she totally changes, and seemed really nice. But yeah I totally regretted going at the start of the appointment, just wanted to leave she scared me so much at first.

    She said to take each day as it comes, talked about my catastrophising etc. I do feel a bit better but feel in the long term nothings really been resolved.

    In the end, I promised to stay safe and I will, especially after our discussion. And she's getting me a bus pass , which I didn't even think I was eligible for but turns out I am- long story, talked about independence from parents, and she made that suggestion so I feel I have more freedom.

    Now I am at home and I'm going to try to relax as been advised. But I'm so confused and scared. And I still don't feel great either, still got a lot to resolve :(
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Thanks for your replies guys, I really appreciate I will reply properly later, I just needed to get out todays events to help me relax more
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    I'm trying to relax, and I know the idea of relaxing should seem all good- I'm just feeling really low, it's so hard :(
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    I'm supposed to tell my parents how I feel (about what I need from them) according to the nurse today, but I just can't do it ....
  • Cat88Cat88 Moderator Posts: 377 Boards Initiate
    Hey apandav. Can you tell us a bit more about why you don't feel you can tell your parents? I'm really sorry you feel that way. Glad to hear some of our suggestions are helping though :heart::)
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Hi cat,

    Thanks for your reply- just say to them to not ask questions so much, and let me come to them. Also to address them being overprotective over things.

    Update- feeling a bit better since yesterday. I reluctantly confided in a friend (I felt I had nothing else to do)- actually at first it was more distressing and I still feel she doesn't understand and I dislike confiding in her, but in another sense it was helpful as she started saying all these activities we could do together over summer and she's trying to get me more involved in things, more looking forward to summer etc.

    Also papyrus were so helpful- they encouraged me to keep safe etc. And I was lucky to get the same person two days in a row and she's been great. I never mentioned it at first but after chatting mentioned about the possibility I have Asperger's, turns out she knows quite a lot about it- and I really felt understood, she says it makes sense a lot. I know my depression and anxiety is separate from it, but a lot of it could be indirectly linked to my AS issues and after talking to NAS today I feel like the CBT may be do challenging for me- due to my rigid thinking, black white thinking (part of AS). Anyways I feel this has given me hope- I've been accepted by the autism team and am on the waiting list.

    I've just really been taking things easy since I was really (mentally) unwell a few days ago, I'm still not great but I'm doing a lot better and suicidal thoughts have calmed down.
  • plugitinplugitin Noob Posts: 2,197 The Mix Regular
    apandav wrote: »

    I've just really been taking things easy since I was really (mentally) unwell a few days ago, I'm still not great but I'm doing a lot better and suicidal thoughts have calmed down.

    I'm glad to hear that *hug*
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