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Texting ex's
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
A few weeks ago I found out that my boyfriend has been texting his ex and then deleting the messages. From the day we got together I have always said to him if he texts her/rings her fine, but don't delete the calls/texts because then it looks like you have something to hide.
Anyway, he apologised, said he won't do it again, he actually went further and said he wouldn't even text her anymore, this was his choice, not mine, and I told him this was up to him.
As you can imagine, since then I've been worrying a little about this. For the last couple of days my boyfriends been waiting for something to be put on his mob account and asked me to keep a check on it online. While I was on in this I found that there is a search facility on there were you can look for a number in recent bills. I tried to resist temptation to do this, but couldn't and this morning typed in her number. Tbh, I was hoping nothing but these couple of messages I knew he had deleted would come up, and that would stop me worrying, but loads of texts came up, none of which I'd ever seen so he's obviously deleted.
I really don't know what to do. I know if I confront him he'll turn it round and say I shouldn't have looked, but if he hadn't give me a reason to worry and not to trust him I never would.
I'll just add now, I really am the most trusting person, I trust everyone until I'm given a reason not to. I aren't the jealous type really. Like I say, I don't have a problem with him texting his ex, but when he starts deleting them then I worry.
I know a lot of you will say if you trusted him it wouldn't matter whether he deleted them or not.
I just need a bit of advice from anyone who's had similar experiences.
Anyway, he apologised, said he won't do it again, he actually went further and said he wouldn't even text her anymore, this was his choice, not mine, and I told him this was up to him.
As you can imagine, since then I've been worrying a little about this. For the last couple of days my boyfriends been waiting for something to be put on his mob account and asked me to keep a check on it online. While I was on in this I found that there is a search facility on there were you can look for a number in recent bills. I tried to resist temptation to do this, but couldn't and this morning typed in her number. Tbh, I was hoping nothing but these couple of messages I knew he had deleted would come up, and that would stop me worrying, but loads of texts came up, none of which I'd ever seen so he's obviously deleted.
I really don't know what to do. I know if I confront him he'll turn it round and say I shouldn't have looked, but if he hadn't give me a reason to worry and not to trust him I never would.
I'll just add now, I really am the most trusting person, I trust everyone until I'm given a reason not to. I aren't the jealous type really. Like I say, I don't have a problem with him texting his ex, but when he starts deleting them then I worry.
I know a lot of you will say if you trusted him it wouldn't matter whether he deleted them or not.
I just need a bit of advice from anyone who's had similar experiences.
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Comments
"but don't delete the calls/texts because then it looks like you have something to hide."
Why would this matter? It's his business. Do you expect him to show you all the texts he sends/receives through the day? Do you go through his phone (this sounds likely)?
Before you confront him ask him if he's texted her recently. If he lies and says he hasn't then you can be much more certain that he's hiding something. There are innocent reasons why a text would be deleted, like phone memory space, but if he lies about the texts then there are not many innocent reasons for that.
I don't think you're being unreasonable, it does sound like he's hiding something. I have to say I'd be less tolerant than you of a lot of texts going to an ex, and I'm pretty laid back about it all really.
Been together nearly 2 and 1/2 yrs, don't know what the messages were about.
We go on each others phones, it's out of noseyness more than anything, we've always done it. That's probably odd to other people but it's never been 'cos we don't trust each other, whether that is what it looks like or not.
But that's the thing - being 'nosey' leads to finding out things you'd sometimes wish you hadn't. Honestly though, I would still say it's down to a lack of trust, regardless of how it's dressed up. It's still allowing both of you to keep tabs on exactly what the other is up to, and I just think that is unhealthy. I would never go through a partner's phone, and if they went through mine, I would be very angry. Invasion of privacy - but that's just my opinion, of course. I'm a pretty open person, and will happily tell people what I've been up to (partners included), but there are some things that are just not done.
With regards to him deleting things... Well, yes, I would agree that he possibly has something to hide, and I think a chat is in order.
:yes: I don't have anything to hide from anyone on there, or even anything remotely interesting or private, but I would still hate it if anyone went through it. Just a personal space thing.
I totally understand what it looks like, and maybe it is weird, but it really isn't because we don't trust each other, but I get why thats hard to believe.
It's good know other people think it looks suspicious though and I aren't just paranoid.
But this 'complete trust' that has now led you to a situation where you don't trust him, or you wouldn't have checked his online bill etc etc etc.
Perhaps it's completely innocent - when it comes down to it, he may not actually want you reading some things, which to my mind he is perfectly entitled to feel, regardless of the fact that you both go through each other's phones all the time as it's what you have always done. It's because it's his ex that this looks suspicious.
Double edged sword here, I'm afraid and I definitely think you both need a bit of privacy.
You didn't answer the question as to how you first found out he'd been sending and deleting messages.
I agree with that too, I would never go through my boyfriends phone and I would be so angry and upset if he went through mine. I have nothing to hide and I know he doesn't either...on the other hand I'm pretty sure my boyfriend would let me look through his phone if I asked him (which i never would) because I don't think he'd be bothered.
On the texting his ex front:
Rightly or wrongly I think I would be upset about him texting his ex a lot (completely irrational and probably makes me sound like a total controlling hyper jealous idiot girlfriend) whether he was hiding it or not, but I do agree that him hiding it sounds a bit dodgy. It could be of course that its totally innocent and they are just being friendly and he knew you'd react like this so he's been hiding it to stop you worrying. Either way, I reckon you should have a chat about it.
Sounds kind of selfish and unrealistic, to be blunt. I'm still on good terms with everybody I have been out with/dated. Fair enough, I'm not in touch with them 24/7, but I would not be impressed if I 'had' to drop contact due to somebody elses insecurity. In fact, this wouldn't happen. I have no desire for anything to happen with any of them, but spending a lot of time together creates friendships that are hard to deny, even after the spark of a relationship has burned out.
I disagree. It's not natural and it's very selfish - and I for one have never been out with anybody I have been 'friends for life' with prior to being with them but I can certainly say I will be friends for life with them following the relationship.
Regarding things staying in the past - that bit of the relationship is in the past, but the friendship can and does continue, in many cases. It's up to the individual to realise this.
You said the relationship would be over if Claire was texting an ex. I highly doubt it. Why end something over 'texting for no apparent reason'? Just silly.
No, to me the trust is in the other person being able to do this without being questioned or having to be open about it on it etc etc. In the end, it's their business, not yours. Sure, it's good to be open, but if it's likely to prompt jealousy and insecurity which you are displaying here, then what's the point. People CAN just be friends and message as friends, you know... Friendship is not a legitimate reason? Rubbish. The problem is when there ARE feelings involved.
I only stop him if there personal messages from friends which say stuff they wouldnt want him to know on them.
They care about the person as a friend. So what? It's nothing to do with drama! I'm not sure where you're getting this from...
I disagree. I still keep my friends in the same way. Nothing changes apart from the relationship I have with my partner. Why should it?
Perhaps it's not what you two want, and I would say this is definitely down to not being able to handle it (as you've already admitted). To me, if you're 100% secure in yourself and your relationship, then it's a non-issue.
Me, for one. They are just friends now... I just happen to have slept with them :yeees:
It's only a bullshit reason if there are still feelings there...
Nope, to me it's more a reflection of the individual and their own issues. Anything else, to me, is an excuse for your own flaws. It's like saying "Oh, I only <something bad> because I love you". Nonsense, in most cases - just a cover for your own issues. If you love and trust the person, you should be happy with them, regardless of if they're in touch with people they've been involved with.
When it comes down to it, it's all down to who you are as a person. If you've got issues with yourself, this is the kind of thing where they will come to the fore.
You're obviously not, as it wouldn't bother you! I've been out with countless girls now mate, and I'm in touch with who I want to be. They're just friends! Are you in touch with any of your exes? You don't accept that you can be just friends with people you've dated previously?
Just curious:
How would you feel if your lass was a dancer, parading around in a thong and not that much else some of the time in front of countless drunken blokes in a club etc? Or if she was an actress and had to do nude/semi-nude scenes? Or the same, but in a photo-shoot?
It's really, really interesting to see different people's views on this but let's try and stay on topic guys as remember the OP is looking for advice about her specific situation.
Fair play :yes:
Ive been cheated on in the past, I do think you get to know the MO of a cheater....do you think he is cheatin?
also, I am always showing Matt stuff on my phone...however if I found him goin thru it, there would be hell to pay! same with his I guess. as a foot note, I was always anxious about who the cheater was texting and in contact with...hindsight eh?think it shows I knew really somthing was up and he wasnt to be trusted...
Not sure why you don't quite understand what I have written two or three times now, but yes, I treat them as I would any other of my friends. Why wouldn't I??
You're just repeating yourself here. Yes, I do all those things with my exes. They are my actual friends. We have a laugh. We go for drinks. We hang out. There is innuendo. Etc etc etc. These are things I do with all my friends :rolleyes: Life continues after a relationship ends...
ETA - I get the same buzz chatting with an ex as I do when chatting to any other mate. At the same time, I can feel nothing at all when chatting to an ex as I can when chatting to a mate. All one and the same. I think the difference only applies if it's a very recent thing.
I've started another thread on this to keep it on topic - cut and paste this into there, dude
All the ex's I'm still friends with I talk to just like any other friend, and all of Rich's ex's he talks to just like any other friend. I have no problem with it and neither does he.
I found that things became less of an issue (not not at all) when I got older.
Perhaps I'm just sbeshul and all my friends are too
Having said that, the only "ex" (in the very loosest sense, I must say, we were never together properly, we did have a bit of a fling but nothing more, but I was VERY in love with him for years) I'm still really close to is my best friend. Me and Rich had a bit of an issue over the weekend because of some unresolved issues (my fault, I should really stop drinking when I'm lonely) but he trusts me and he knows that he's my best friend and that nothing would ever happen. I talk to him like I would any of my other friends, and Rich knows that.
I agree. Texting exes who are now just friends shouldn't be a problem but acting like he has something to hide would make me wary.
Could just be people you know. All my friends are really easy going, been there, done that, and it's just never an issue after things have cooled.
Never any agenda when keeping in touch with exes.
Yeh. But he was always my best friend first and that guy I happened to be in love with after. Largely because of distance and him having a girlfriend, but whatever.
What's wrong with that?
Anyway, if he was deleting all his texts I wouldn't have so much of a problem but it just the ones off her
Glad to see someone else goes on their blokes phone and I aren't the only weirdo (can't be bothered to go back all the way through these posts to quote)
In which case I think you have a right to be suspicious. I think you should talk to him.
Yes, I would say that is part of it if you have to view any contact as 'drama'.
We'll just have to agree to disagree. Seems like me and my friends are able to move on past when relationship ends etc. I'm quite surprised you're unable to stay friends with people for exactly that reason: to be friends. After spending a lot of time together, you will undoubtedly have at least a few things in common - which you're still able to share.
Ah well mate - I'm gonna bow out of this conversation with you. We're not going to see eye to eye on this at all.
Hey - so how did you originally find out he was texting his ex and deleting the messages?????????????