Home Sex & Relationships
If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Read the community guidelines before posting ✨

Texting ex's

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
A few weeks ago I found out that my boyfriend has been texting his ex and then deleting the messages. From the day we got together I have always said to him if he texts her/rings her fine, but don't delete the calls/texts because then it looks like you have something to hide.

Anyway, he apologised, said he won't do it again, he actually went further and said he wouldn't even text her anymore, this was his choice, not mine, and I told him this was up to him.

As you can imagine, since then I've been worrying a little about this. For the last couple of days my boyfriends been waiting for something to be put on his mob account and asked me to keep a check on it online. While I was on in this I found that there is a search facility on there were you can look for a number in recent bills. I tried to resist temptation to do this, but couldn't and this morning typed in her number. Tbh, I was hoping nothing but these couple of messages I knew he had deleted would come up, and that would stop me worrying, but loads of texts came up, none of which I'd ever seen so he's obviously deleted.

I really don't know what to do. I know if I confront him he'll turn it round and say I shouldn't have looked, but if he hadn't give me a reason to worry and not to trust him I never would.

I'll just add now, I really am the most trusting person, I trust everyone until I'm given a reason not to. I aren't the jealous type really. Like I say, I don't have a problem with him texting his ex, but when he starts deleting them then I worry.

I know a lot of you will say if you trusted him it wouldn't matter whether he deleted them or not.

I just need a bit of advice from anyone who's had similar experiences.
«13

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    How did you originally find out he'd deleted them?

    "but don't delete the calls/texts because then it looks like you have something to hide."

    Why would this matter? It's his business. Do you expect him to show you all the texts he sends/receives through the day? Do you go through his phone (this sounds likely)?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    How long have you been together, and what was he texting her about?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If he's deleting things then I do think you have grounds for worrying. It could be innocent but if you've made it clear you're not bothered and he still hides it then its less likely to be innocent.

    Before you confront him ask him if he's texted her recently. If he lies and says he hasn't then you can be much more certain that he's hiding something. There are innocent reasons why a text would be deleted, like phone memory space, but if he lies about the texts then there are not many innocent reasons for that.

    I don't think you're being unreasonable, it does sound like he's hiding something. I have to say I'd be less tolerant than you of a lot of texts going to an ex, and I'm pretty laid back about it all really.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Acrobat wrote: »
    How long have you been together, and what was he texting her about?

    Been together nearly 2 and 1/2 yrs, don't know what the messages were about.

    We go on each others phones, it's out of noseyness more than anything, we've always done it. That's probably odd to other people but it's never been 'cos we don't trust each other, whether that is what it looks like or not.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    lexilex wrote: »
    Been together nearly 2 and 1/2 yrs, don't know what the messages were about.

    We go on each others phones, it's out of noseyness more than anything, we've always done it. That's probably odd to other people but it's never been 'cos we don't trust each other, whether that is what it looks like or not.



    But that's the thing - being 'nosey' leads to finding out things you'd sometimes wish you hadn't. Honestly though, I would still say it's down to a lack of trust, regardless of how it's dressed up. It's still allowing both of you to keep tabs on exactly what the other is up to, and I just think that is unhealthy. I would never go through a partner's phone, and if they went through mine, I would be very angry. Invasion of privacy - but that's just my opinion, of course. I'm a pretty open person, and will happily tell people what I've been up to (partners included), but there are some things that are just not done.

    With regards to him deleting things... Well, yes, I would agree that he possibly has something to hide, and I think a chat is in order.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    g_angel wrote: »
    But that's the thing - being 'nosey' leads to finding out things you'd sometimes wish you hadn't. Honestly though, I would still say it's down to a lack of trust, regardless of how it's dressed up. I would never go through a partner's phone, and if they went through mine, I would be very angry. Invasion of privacy - but that's just my opinion, of course.

    With regards to him deleting things... Well, yes, I would agree that he possibly has something to hide.


    :yes: I don't have anything to hide from anyone on there, or even anything remotely interesting or private, but I would still hate it if anyone went through it. Just a personal space thing.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    g_angel wrote: »
    But that's the thing - being 'nosey' leads to finding out things you'd sometimes wish you hadn't. Honestly though, I would still say it's down to a lack of trust, regardless of how it's dressed up. It's still allowing both of you to keep tabs on exactly what the other is up to, and I just think that is unhealthy. I would never go through a partner's phone, and if they went through mine, I would be very angry. Invasion of privacy - but that's just my opinion, of course. I'm a pretty open person, and will happily tell people what I've been up to (partners included), but there are some things that are just not done.

    With regards to him deleting things... Well, yes, I would agree that he possibly has something to hide, and I think a chat is in order.

    I totally understand what it looks like, and maybe it is weird, but it really isn't because we don't trust each other, but I get why thats hard to believe.

    It's good know other people think it looks suspicious though and I aren't just paranoid.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    lexilex wrote: »
    I totally understand what it looks like, and maybe it is weird, but it really isn't because we don't trust each other, but I get why thats hard to believe.

    But this 'complete trust' that has now led you to a situation where you don't trust him, or you wouldn't have checked his online bill etc etc etc.

    Perhaps it's completely innocent - when it comes down to it, he may not actually want you reading some things, which to my mind he is perfectly entitled to feel, regardless of the fact that you both go through each other's phones all the time as it's what you have always done. It's because it's his ex that this looks suspicious.

    Double edged sword here, I'm afraid and I definitely think you both need a bit of privacy.

    You didn't answer the question as to how you first found out he'd been sending and deleting messages.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Acrobat wrote: »
    :yes: I don't have anything to hide from anyone on there, or even anything remotely interesting or private, but I would still hate it if anyone went through it. Just a personal space thing.

    I agree with that too, I would never go through my boyfriends phone and I would be so angry and upset if he went through mine. I have nothing to hide and I know he doesn't either...on the other hand I'm pretty sure my boyfriend would let me look through his phone if I asked him (which i never would) because I don't think he'd be bothered.

    On the texting his ex front:
    Rightly or wrongly I think I would be upset about him texting his ex a lot (completely irrational and probably makes me sound like a total controlling hyper jealous idiot girlfriend) whether he was hiding it or not, but I do agree that him hiding it sounds a bit dodgy. It could be of course that its totally innocent and they are just being friendly and he knew you'd react like this so he's been hiding it to stop you worrying. Either way, I reckon you should have a chat about it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    since i trust that i am the only person in ehr life on her mind.


    Sounds kind of selfish and unrealistic, to be blunt. I'm still on good terms with everybody I have been out with/dated. Fair enough, I'm not in touch with them 24/7, but I would not be impressed if I 'had' to drop contact due to somebody elses insecurity. In fact, this wouldn't happen. I have no desire for anything to happen with any of them, but spending a lot of time together creates friendships that are hard to deny, even after the spark of a relationship has burned out.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    She doesn't have to, it's her choice. But i dobn't think i'd want to be around if she sat on her own thinking about what to txt a guy she once had a relationship with. If it's a past relationship it should stay in the past unless they have been friends for life.

    It's not selfish, it's natural and she has felt the same way in the pat when i told her i used to email my ex sometimes.

    I disagree. It's not natural and it's very selfish - and I for one have never been out with anybody I have been 'friends for life' with prior to being with them but I can certainly say I will be friends for life with them following the relationship.

    Regarding things staying in the past - that bit of the relationship is in the past, but the friendship can and does continue, in many cases. It's up to the individual to realise this.

    You said the relationship would be over if Claire was texting an ex. I highly doubt it. Why end something over 'texting for no apparent reason'? Just silly.
    In a long term close relationship there has to be trust and if one is contacting an ex and not telling the other then it breakds that trust. For me, it needs to be out in the open and i wouldn't want her contacting her ex without me knowing and i don't really think there's a legitimate reason to txt an ex unless she got soem feeling from it.

    No, to me the trust is in the other person being able to do this without being questioned or having to be open about it on it etc etc. In the end, it's their business, not yours. Sure, it's good to be open, but if it's likely to prompt jealousy and insecurity which you are displaying here, then what's the point. People CAN just be friends and message as friends, you know... Friendship is not a legitimate reason? Rubbish. The problem is when there ARE feelings involved.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Just to say me and my boyfriend go through each others phones out of nosiness (sp?) too.
    I only stop him if there personal messages from friends which say stuff they wouldnt want him to know on them.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The actual texting is not really a problem as I see it, but if he is specifically deleting those texts and not deleting others then I would have to ask why
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    There is obviously a reason. In some form when people txt their exs for "no apparent reason" they actually get a little feeling about it, it's dramatic, wheather they admit it or not, they care about the person.

    They care about the person as a friend. So what? It's nothing to do with drama! I'm not sure where you're getting this from...
    You're right and in my days of non-seriousness and when i fashioned myself as a bit of a player i would be secure in that way and understood what it meant to be "that secure moral kind of person" but when you are in a ver loving relationship with someone for long term and you become really really close the whole outlook takes on a new perspective. It's a totally different kettle of fish.

    I disagree. I still keep my friends in the same way. Nothing changes apart from the relationship I have with my partner. Why should it?
    In this type of relationship being able to txt an ex do this "without being questioned or having to be open about it on it" is not something either of us want. I totally understand what you mean and why you are right, but things change a lot when you get more serious and actions speak louder than words.

    Perhaps it's not what you two want, and I would say this is definitely down to not being able to handle it (as you've already admitted). To me, if you're 100% secure in yourself and your relationship, then it's a non-issue.
    How many people here can honestly say they contacted their ex in the same way they contact their friends or family? The fact is if you didn't get a little bit of drama or feeling over it you honestly wouldn't do it.

    Me, for one. They are just friends now... I just happen to have slept with them :yeees:
    We're both just good friends is the most bullshit reason ever. I know because i've seen it, and been there too many times and had people admit to me.

    It's only a bullshit reason if there are still feelings there...
    Jelousy and insecurity just shows how much people love each other too, because they value the other person and love them.

    Nope, to me it's more a reflection of the individual and their own issues. Anything else, to me, is an excuse for your own flaws. It's like saying "Oh, I only <something bad> because I love you". Nonsense, in most cases - just a cover for your own issues. If you love and trust the person, you should be happy with them, regardless of if they're in touch with people they've been involved with.


    When it comes down to it, it's all down to who you are as a person. If you've got issues with yourself, this is the kind of thing where they will come to the fore.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I am, but if she began txting her ex i wouldn't be.

    You're obviously not, as it wouldn't bother you! I've been out with countless girls now mate, and I'm in touch with who I want to be. They're just friends! Are you in touch with any of your exes? You don't accept that you can be just friends with people you've dated previously?


    Just curious:

    How would you feel if your lass was a dancer, parading around in a thong and not that much else some of the time in front of countless drunken blokes in a club etc? Or if she was an actress and had to do nude/semi-nude scenes? Or the same, but in a photo-shoot?
  • **helen****helen** Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Supreme Poster
    g_angel wrote: »

    Just curious:

    How would you feel if your lass was a dancer, parading around in a thong and not that much else some of the time in front of countless drunken blokes in a club etc? Or if she was an actress and had to do nude/semi-nude scenes? Or the same, but in a photo-shoot?

    It's really, really interesting to see different people's views on this but let's try and stay on topic guys as remember the OP is looking for advice about her specific situation. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    **Helen** wrote: »
    It's really, really interesting to see different people's views on this but let's try and stay on topic guys as remember the OP is looking for advice about her specific situation. :)

    Fair play :yes:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If it was a constant thing, I prob would wonder why...saying that, my bloke gets 3am pissed up phone calls from his ex, occasionally complete with "i miss you" stuff and texts. I find it quite irritating (esp if Im asleep when his phone rings!) but it doesnt make me think he'll o back to her. they finished for a reason, he is with me now, if he doesnt want to be I'll find out soon enough wont I?
    Ive been cheated on in the past, I do think you get to know the MO of a cheater....do you think he is cheatin?
    also, I am always showing Matt stuff on my phone...however if I found him goin thru it, there would be hell to pay! same with his I guess. as a foot note, I was always anxious about who the cheater was texting and in contact with...hindsight eh?think it shows I knew really somthing was up and he wasnt to be trusted...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ]

    I've been out which quite a few and yes i have been in touch with my exes. Yes you can be friends. But what do you actually DO with your ex friends?

    Do you do all the things in exactly the same way as you would with your mates? No!

    Not sure why you don't quite understand what I have written two or three times now, but yes, I treat them as I would any other of my friends. Why wouldn't I??
    Deep down most people keep in touch wiht an ex because it brings a bit of excitement to chat to them. Sure, people care that their exes are healthy and well but i doubt you will be ACTUAL friends with them.

    There is a difference and i don't know anyone who has an actualy friend that they talk to and tell worrries to, go to birthday parties with, go out and eat with, ring all the time, borrow money off, go shopping with. Can you honestly say you do all of those thigns with your exes?

    I don't know anyone who does but i know a lot of people who keep in contact with their ex and have banter with them, talka bout the past, say cheeky innuendos to, have a laugh texting. Thsi is ebcause deep down they get a bit of a buzz out of it. I know people who talk to their exes as "friends" just ebcause they want attention and to be wanted by them still. They are not really friends. friends takes on a whole new meaning.

    You're just repeating yourself here. Yes, I do all those things with my exes. They are my actual friends. We have a laugh. We go for drinks. We hang out. There is innuendo. Etc etc etc. These are things I do with all my friends :rolleyes: Life continues after a relationship ends...

    ETA - I get the same buzz chatting with an ex as I do when chatting to any other mate. At the same time, I can feel nothing at all when chatting to an ex as I can when chatting to a mate. All one and the same. I think the difference only applies if it's a very recent thing.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ]


    I wouldn't like the idea men are treating her like shit but the money would be nice for us.

    She's one of the best dancers i've ever seen to and regurly puts on a display in clubs in front of other lads, she likes the attention.

    I don't mind too much, at first i used to love it, she dresses very sexily and has a great body so i often see men looking at her arse and objectifying her, which is sound! that's what men are like and i used to be like that too, i guess deepd own i still am but i will admit as we've become close and we look after each other, being lanuched into a room full of men wondering what it would be like to bend the love of my life over and fuck her senseless does make me feel a little bit crap, because she is the love of my life and only i get to do that ;)

    By no means does it throw me off.

    Things change when you get serious and want to spend the rest of your life with someone.


    I've started another thread on this to keep it on topic - cut and paste this into there, dude :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I've never known anyone to be like that, in my experience and the general consensus of others around me. It's usually not so clear cut.
    You must know some pretty weird people.

    All the ex's I'm still friends with I talk to just like any other friend, and all of Rich's ex's he talks to just like any other friend. I have no problem with it and neither does he.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I've never known anyone to be like that, in my experience and the general consensus of others around me. It's usually not so clear cut.



    I found that things became less of an issue (not not at all) when I got older.

    Perhaps I'm just sbeshul and all my friends are too :D;)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You think it's weird they are not proper friends with their exs?

    I know loads of people who have contact and tell em all about the conversations they have, but i don't know any that talk to them like they would to me.
    Well, if someone is friends with an ex, why is that different from being friends with any other friend?

    Having said that, the only "ex" (in the very loosest sense, I must say, we were never together properly, we did have a bit of a fling but nothing more, but I was VERY in love with him for years) I'm still really close to is my best friend. Me and Rich had a bit of an issue over the weekend because of some unresolved issues (my fault, I should really stop drinking when I'm lonely) but he trusts me and he knows that he's my best friend and that nothing would ever happen. I talk to him like I would any of my other friends, and Rich knows that.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Mist wrote: »
    The actual texting is not really a problem as I see it, but if he is specifically deleting those texts and not deleting others then I would have to ask why

    I agree. Texting exes who are now just friends shouldn't be a problem but acting like he has something to hide would make me wary.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't know anyone who is proper friends with an ex. Just people who email ro contact their ex now and then to see what they're up to, usually because there is some sort of agenda, wheather it be attention, jealousy, feelings or what.

    Could just be people you know. All my friends are really easy going, been there, done that, and it's just never an issue after things have cooled.

    Never any agenda when keeping in touch with exes.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    So you're best friends with someone you were very in love with for years?

    Yeh. But he was always my best friend first and that guy I happened to be in love with after. Largely because of distance and him having a girlfriend, but whatever.

    What's wrong with that?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    That was hard work going through all those posts.

    Anyway, if he was deleting all his texts I wouldn't have so much of a problem but it just the ones off her :(

    Glad to see someone else goes on their blokes phone and I aren't the only weirdo ;) (can't be bothered to go back all the way through these posts to quote)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    lexilex wrote: »
    That was hard work going through all those posts.

    Anyway, if he was deleting all his texts I wouldn't have so much of a problem but it just the ones off her :(

    In which case I think you have a right to be suspicious. I think you should talk to him.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    lol, and my friends arent because they are not pen pals with their exs? They speak to their exs, i ahve too, it's a little bit of drama but apart from that or any other agenda there is obsolutely no reason to be friends with them. I wouldn't even be bothered.

    Yes, I would say that is part of it if you have to view any contact as 'drama'.


    Well, for you that must be true but for others it isn't. I've been there myself, i used to speak to my ex, but i norrowed it down to the fact that i only spoke to her for the buzz of it really, after that there isn't anything else to talk about.

    If we wanted to be great friends we would, but it would be for false reasons. The only reason i'd be friends with her is because while i wouldn't want to be with her, somehow it's a bit dramatic and fun to know what they ahve been doin, wanting to know they are well etc.


    We'll just have to agree to disagree. Seems like me and my friends are able to move on past when relationship ends etc. I'm quite surprised you're unable to stay friends with people for exactly that reason: to be friends. After spending a lot of time together, you will undoubtedly have at least a few things in common - which you're still able to share.

    Ah well mate - I'm gonna bow out of this conversation with you. We're not going to see eye to eye on this at all.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    lexilex wrote: »
    That was hard work going through all those posts.

    Anyway, if he was deleting all his texts I wouldn't have so much of a problem but it just the ones off her :(

    Glad to see someone else goes on their blokes phone and I aren't the only weirdo ;) (can't be bothered to go back all the way through these posts to quote)

    Hey - so how did you originally find out he was texting his ex and deleting the messages?????????????
This discussion has been closed.