Whats more important to you - Sex or Love?

Former Member

Cheating is definately selfish. My mum is having an affair that I know about but no one else does (even my stepdad is oblivious to it). I think i mentioned this earlier on in the thread but I want to add a bit more. My mum comes home to my stepdad and pretends that everything is all lovey dovey and happy between them but then sometimes she'll be in an "off" mood and practically ignore my stepdad and snap at him when he asks her what is wrong or tries to give her a hug or something. It is so selfish that she can giver her affections away to some other man and then sometimes ignore her husband or have a go at him if he has to work half an hour later in his office at home. Christmas day is the worst - mum normally works christmas day from 6am-10pm with roughly 1-5pm off in the afternoon. So she could spend 4 hours at home with us, her family which isn't much for a family to be together properly on christmas day but instead she goes and spends an hour and a half ish at this guys house she is having an affair with - she says its part of her work but I have seen her time sheets and she is supposed to have time off then and not even see this guy at all.

I would say that leaving your family on christmas day when you're not seeing them much as it is due to work commitments is pretty selfish and it hurts me so much. I don't know what the rest of the family would say if they knew but I do know that it would tear us all apart.

Former Member

aww I am sorry whats going on with your family sarah, I hope it get sbetter soon.

It doesnt matte about all that lipsy, cheating is decitful and painful, low and selfish. The examples I read up were just about the shag, which may be worse then some1 having an affair with some1 the say they love.

Former Member

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Former Member

I know, I to wondered that.

I mean if they genuinely love some1 else, maybe they are less blameless coz they really couldnt help it, but a shag? thats just cold. I think if it was the affair I'd be more bothered they didnt love me and loved some1 else rather then the shag itself.

Former Member

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Former Member

well it sounds to me like ur saying if you wanna cheat then never make sure I can find out and its ok, but if u do cheat and tell me then I'll forgive you coz ur being honest.

sounds like a get ou tof jail free card, no saying he owuld just saying how it migh tbe interpreted.

Former Member

Get out of jail card, indeed! I'd never give my fella the green light to do something like that...for all you know he might just do it (and I can pretty much guarantee you'd feel differently if/when it actually happened). I'd think about retracting that promise if I were you, but of course you know your relationship far better than I or anyone else!

I'm sorry to hear that too Sarah, I hope you all find some kind of resolution...it must be an awful situation to be in, so don't feel like you're alone with the burden of your knowledge of the affair (if nothing else, we're all here).

Former Member

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Former Member

I do see what you mean, it worked out for you before and if it's just a bad mistake I can completely understand feeling that way.

I just don't

Former Member

Thanks walkindude and briggi. I like coming onto this site because it always cheers me up and I know that there are people who care here. There isn't anything I can see that I can do at home because if I tell someone then it will tear our family apart. It is kind of like what scarlettleeds has been saying - what my stepdad and siblings and rest of the family don't know can't harm them, and I know it will harm them because it hurts me but at the same time she shouldn't be doing it for them not to have to know about it - if that makes sense!

What you say about love or just a shag and what is worse - I'm not sure. My mum seems quite involved with this guy and I think there is more to it than just sex (if they do that, not that I want to know). She has books from him about how he is her guardian angel and she sent me a text accidently just before she went on holiday with my stepdad and sister which was meant to go to this guy. It said how she was sending him all her love and that his heart will keep her strong until she returns to him (thats how I first found out something was going on). So I think it is more than just a fling especially as it has been almost two years now. It's not only selfish that she doesn't only love and share her emotions with her husband but I think it's also selfish leading on this guy and giving him some of her love but still coming home to her family at the end of the day. It's not fair on anyone and it most likely isn't fair on herself trying to juggle between the two and hide it. This other guy knows she's married and knows about me and my brother and sister - I've met him and spent the day with him and my mum just pretending that nothing was going on whilst I knew and really didn't want to be there. So I think it is unfair on everyone involved. As much as I dislike this guy because he's taken part of my mum away from us, I have to feel sorry for him as he lies in bed at night alone thinking of my mum sleeping next to her husband.

I hope all that makes sense - I do tend to ramble so I'm sorry!!

Former Member

it actually is true that it's the more adult, grown up thing to do, to not tell your partner that you cheated if you honestly love them and really regret it and don't want anything to change. but how bad would youf eel the rest of the time you were with them. knowing that you were always keeping something from them. i think the guilt you would feel would make you want to break up with them and tell them eventually though. and also, cheating is much different for men and women. for women it tends to be because there is a lack of emotion and men it's because of a lack of sex. and also when women find out they tend to blame themselves or the person who their partner cheated on and tend to leave the partner out of the picture of what went wrong. but for men it's usually anger at the parter for cheating and also it's the thought of somebody else touching your woman that's so bad for men because we are so territorial. i'd actuall prefer my girl telling me immediately if she did cheat or met somebody else because there's no point in hiding it and going on like that. i'd rather know right away so i could break it off and be on my way. i still couldn't do it and face myself or my girl if i did it though.

Former Member

I_wear_girl_pants wrote:

it actually is true that it's the more adult, grown up thing to do, to not tell your partner that you cheated if you honestly love them and really regret it and don't want anything to change.

How is that unequivocally true?

I respectfully disagree, I think it's more adult to face the consequences of your actions. But we're not discussing what's "more adult", anyway.

(OT: Sarah, it sounds like your Mum's being incredibly unfair to you. It's one thing for her to have a secret affair, but it's another thing entirely for her to burden you with the keeping of said secret. I know you're not going to want to threaten her with telling your Step-Dad or anything, but is there any resolution in sight...will she ever leave for this guy? Or is it just an affair, granted a long-term one?)

Former Member

I am so sorry sarah, it must be really hard for you. I guess the only thing you can do is make it clear to your mum you want nothing to with her affair or keeping any secrets and you don't wanna see this guy again, and then just step back and see how it all turns out. And we are all here for you hun, no worries.

I am honestly not sure how I'd feel if a gf of mine cheated on me. I guess I'd want to know, coz I am a seek the truth kinda guy but then I would no doubt end it with her, even though I loved her and she may say she wanted me. I mean if they do it once then they can do it again, maybe not the next week or month but years time maybe, it will still be there. The potential for them to hurt you again and I imagine it must be easier, 2nd time round to cheat then it is first time.

still I say all this and I am single so haven't got this to worry about at the moment. BUt I read all them stroies, all the real confessions, all the things I have heard an dknow from friends and its just so depressing and concerning. Someone can marry you, stand right there and say they love you and only you and want you and then just have sex with someone else on a honey moon or something. Its scary.

Former Member

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Former Member

Walkindude wrote:

I wasn't talking about you carriage return, I was talking of my own feelings in general.

Then you phrased it incredibly badly. I'll take this as your acknowlegement that what is right for you may not be right for others.

Its real and as we can see plenty of people agree with me that cheating is wrong and selfish.

I strongly agree that cheating is wrong and selfish. I also consider pressuring your partner into agreeing to an open relationship would be wrong and selfish. Expecting your partner to not have sex with anyone else is clearly selfish, but it is not wrong.

It isn't fucked up.

No, but describing open relatinships as cheating anyway is.

Former Member

Walkindude wrote:

I mean if they genuinely love some1 else, maybe they are less blameless coz they really couldnt help it

well if you think that then why dismiss what i said by saying:

It doesnt matte about all that lipsy, cheating is decitful and painful, low and selfish.

Former Member

Walkindude wrote:

yeah but even in open relationships, in marriages that have 3sums or engage in swinging. You may have your partners permission, but its still being unfiathful. Especialy if your maried, just by definition. Its not being true.

I mean I gues syou can be in a marriage an dit be emotional over and then you have an affair. I guess thats more understandable but still, if its so bad then get a divorce.

I don't think love is a fairytale and I don't think its that hard to stay faithful. Its abou temotion and self control. We all want a bit of money, a feel of the person we are attracted to and to smack around those that annoy the hell out of us but we don't. We are civilised. It takes self control. If you really love someone you don't want to be with some1 else, even if its just for sex as they say. You can look, thats fair, but having sex or becoming emotionally invloved with someone else is cheating and I don't like it at all. I thinbk those that say they can never be faithful are very selfish indeed.

Everyone is built different psychologically - people's needs vary. People don't suddenly choose to have an affair because they can - they feel the need for it, and that need is outwith their control. It's instinctual for some people, and can't be helped.

Former Member

briggi wrote:

Sarah, it sounds like your Mum's being incredibly unfair to you. It's one thing for her to have a secret affair, but it's another thing entirely for her to burden you with the keeping of said secret. I know you're not going to want to threaten her with telling your Step-Dad or anything, but is there any resolution in sight...will she ever leave for this guy? Or is it just an affair, granted a long-term one?)

Sorry, I forgot to say but my mum doesn't know that I know, or if she does know then she has never let on. I have no idea whether she ever realised that she sent the text message to me instead of to the guy. So she is burdening me with keeping a secret directly but I feel that I have to. I can't even let on to my mum that I know because I think it will just ruin the relationship we have. I still love her as my mum but I hate what she is doing and I can't stand the fact that she thinks she can get away with it. I know I could possibly do something to stop it happening but at what cost? I think it would be far worse than how I feel about it at the moment. I can't see a resolution except for if he dies, which is quite possible. He used to be an alcoholic, live on the streets and even used to drink meths. He is partly disabled and has home help to give him a bath (which is how my mum knows him because she works for home care and he is one of her clients). Mum will never leave my stepdad because she has security with him, but I can't see her stopping seeing this guy until he dies. I am kind of worried about that time because if my mum loves him like i think she does then how will she be able to control her emotions and then maybe that will be when it all comes out. My sister has made a few comments to me before about them being close and texting each other but I told her she was being silly and dismissed anything going on because I want to shelter her from it. She is 4 years younger than me and still living at home and my stepdad is her dad so it may be worse for her if she found out. Suppose I'll just have to wait and see what happens in the future.

Thanks for all your kind comments

Former Member

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Former Member

What you say Sarah is so sad, and I commend your courage for doing what you are doing. I have no advice apart from what others have said... or kill the guy ;-) sorry, bad joke. Might have made you smille though, or hate me, I dont know. But I'm sorry for what you are going through *hugs*

Former Member

Love is more important than sex to me. i've only ever slept with someone i love, like someone else said, i am human and do still look at other blokes and think theyre attractive.

Former Member

carriage I really have no idea what you are talking about sometimes. You said I was commenting on your realtionship and what you should do and I wasn't, I was tlking in general.

I dont get what you mean in your next bit, you agree cheatitng is worn and selfish, I neer said anyone should pressure someone into an open relationship, I think thats wrong and you agree, and I never said expecting you partner NOT to have sex with someone else is wrong, far from it, its right. Faithful relationships require them not have sex with others, its not selfish or wrong.

I think open relationships are cheating, but I don't want to ban them or owt liek that.

Lipsy- I was merely typing aloud, considering the fact that a love based affair is more excusable then a pure sex one. I didn't say it was right in fact I think its just as wrong.

Spliffie- yes, that is interesting. Its sounds alot like addiction what you describe and there are sex addicts and people who sabotage their relationships by cheating as a psychological impulse. I guess you may not condemn those people, tho how much of it is uncontrollable is debatable.

Former Member

Love:TheRedOfTheRose wrote:

What you say Sarah is so sad, and I commend your courage for doing what you are doing. I have no advice apart from what others have said... or kill the guy ;-) sorry, bad joke. Might have made you smille though, or hate me, I dont know. But I'm sorry for what you are going through *hugs*

Thank you

Former Member

Walkindude wrote:

carriage I really have no idea what you are talking about sometimes. You said I was commenting on your realtionship and what you should do and I wasn't, I was tlking in general.

Exactly, not on what was right for you, but what was right for everyone. Unless I started not being part of everyone, you were commenting, in part , on me.

Faithful relationships require them not have sex with others, its not selfish

Nonsense. if your relationship requires something of your partner it is ipso facto selfish. To argue otherwise is pointless.

Former Member

no, that really is a wack logic you have there.

**helen**

This thread is so interesting, but I'm not sure that talking about each other's views as being 'fucked up' or 'wack' is really adding anything. There are some fascinating, contrasting views here, but try to stick to presenting your point, rather than putting each other's views down - after all this topic is possibly one of the most subjective you could be talking about - there are no rules and it comes down to personal opinion.

Former Member

Relationships don't work without sex.

Former Member

Personally myself I dont agree with what Felix has just said above. Me and my boyfriend lasted a good few months perfectly happy until sex came into it and tbh sex has caused more problems for us.

Loves much more important to me and I could easily go without sex myself. As long as I have that feeling of love then who needs sex? Its only a physical action. Loves a feeling.

Thats my views anyway.

Former Member

Same here.

cute_chicky wrote:

Me and my boyfriend lasted a good few months perfectly happy until sex came into it

Former Member

Yeah but sex did come into it at some point, a lot of people (most?) don't have sex for months (years?) when they first get together and their relationship survives that period.

But, I don't think Felix was saying a relationship can't work without constant sex from the day you meet, just that in the long-term (or indeed, forever) a non-platonic relationship can't work without sex.

If it did, how would it differ from a very caring, affectionate friendship? Even the Church cites that a marriage has to be consumated for it to be binding.