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Fiancees sexual past bothers me
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
My girlfriend and I recently got engaged, and we had moved pretty quickly to that point (8 months) but I know she is the one I want to be with for the rest of my life and she says she wants to be with me for the rest of our lives too, so we're engaged. My only problem is that when I think about her sexual history it makes me sad. I was a virgin when I met her, although I've had a number of sexual experiences, just never intercourse. She's been with two other guys, and neither of them was she ever in a relationship with. One of them was essentially a sexual relationship for a couple months, but it wasn't a serious thing, they still saw other people during that time, and she had been with the second guy in the middle of their "time together". Thinking about that part of her past makes me really sad and I know that it shouldn't bother me because that's made her who she is today... the woman I fell in love with, but it still upsets me.
Besides that we've also been arguing a lot... somewhat regarding her past. The one guy she had the sexual relationship with she's still somewhat friends with. They don't talk very much at all... and when they do, it's nothing serious. I have no problems with that... but recently he's called her up a bunch of times to try to get together, and it really bothers me to think about them getting together. I don't know how to come to terms with the fact that their friends, but it is fairly common to feel this way with someone your significant other has that sort of past with. We keep getting into arguments because she essentially refuses to give him up eventhough it hurts me so bad. Only once I've badgered it at her and balled my eyes out from getting hurt from it and from the frustration of having to have the same argument every month does she say she won't go hang out with him. It bothers me a lot that she wants to hang out with him... but the fact that it takes so much effort on my part for her to do to it so that I don't go insane hurts that much more. I don't know what to do about any of this. I know I love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her, but it hurts so much having him still be a part of our lives. I really hate making her decide between me and him, and it tears me apart. Any advice would be great.
You can reply on here or e-mail me at deranier@hotmail.com ... but I would really appreciate some advice in either form...
Besides that we've also been arguing a lot... somewhat regarding her past. The one guy she had the sexual relationship with she's still somewhat friends with. They don't talk very much at all... and when they do, it's nothing serious. I have no problems with that... but recently he's called her up a bunch of times to try to get together, and it really bothers me to think about them getting together. I don't know how to come to terms with the fact that their friends, but it is fairly common to feel this way with someone your significant other has that sort of past with. We keep getting into arguments because she essentially refuses to give him up eventhough it hurts me so bad. Only once I've badgered it at her and balled my eyes out from getting hurt from it and from the frustration of having to have the same argument every month does she say she won't go hang out with him. It bothers me a lot that she wants to hang out with him... but the fact that it takes so much effort on my part for her to do to it so that I don't go insane hurts that much more. I don't know what to do about any of this. I know I love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her, but it hurts so much having him still be a part of our lives. I really hate making her decide between me and him, and it tears me apart. Any advice would be great.
You can reply on here or e-mail me at deranier@hotmail.com ... but I would really appreciate some advice in either form...
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Comments
You need to be more confident, and have faith in your gf. Without trust, you clearly aren't ready for marriage. You need to build on your relationship and try and accept the fact that your gf happens to want to hang out with a male friend, who happens to be an ex. Just relax, don't be so uptight about it. If she really was hooking up with this guy, do you think you would let you know that they hang out/want to hang out?!?!
Just take a step back and reassess the situation. Have more trust in your partner otherwise this could jeopardise your relationship.
you are trying to make her feel guilty for having been with people before you, and it's not on. she wasn't with you then. she didn't even know you then. she's done nothing wrong, and still you are punishing her for it.
being jealous is one thing, and i'm sure everyone feels like that, but letting this tear you apart would be a total waste. i was with people before i met my other half, and i know he doesn't like the thought, but it's tough. it happened, it's in the past, and letting it ruin what we have now (cause i'm with him. i'm not with anyone else. if anyone in the past had meant as much to me as he does, i would still be with them) would just be totally ridiculous.
All I can say is that you're gonna have to suck it up and deal with this, or your relationship is gonna end up going nowhere.
People have sex with people and stay in touch. So what? Sure, if she is the only person you have slept with, this may seem a little strange, but, again, YOU are going to have to deal with it... Not her.
Harsh reality bite, but it had to be said.
G.
Grow up.
Sorry - this is superb! Made me chuckle!
So, if anyone has some constructive advice on how for me to deal with my jealousy, please let me know, but I would appreciate not being attacked for having feelings, and being jealous in a situation in which lots of people would be jealous. I just want to stop hurting from their friendship and I want to stop being the jealous controlling fiancee. I want this relationship to work more than anything, and any advice on how to deal with my jealousy would be greatly appreciated.
This sounds like a very teenage reaction to be experiencing (not to be patronising) but things do tend to be less hassle the older you get (well, that could be a generalisation there but it was this case for me).
G.
I know it sounds very immature and teenager-like. I hate reacting the way I do it. I just can't figure out how to deal with it. I don't know how to deal with jealousy. I've never been jealous like this with any of my past girlfriends (the one I was with before this we had done everything except for intercourse and had seen eachother for longer than I've been seeing my fiance, but I wasn't jealous with that girlfriend). Jealousy is so foreign to me and I don't know how to cope. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
you seem to be upset by the fact that she won't agree never to see him again, and see this as a lack of feeling on her part, when in fact it's just you being unreasonable. if you think this way about him, you will always think this way. there will always be some guy at work, or an old friend, or a friend of a friend. and it's all in your head.
if she's going to cheat on you, she'll cheat on you, and if she's going to be faithful, she'll be faithful, and it doesn't make a sausage of difference whether she hangs out with this guy or not. either there is trust there, or there isn't. and in your case, there obviously isn't.
Good luck anyway.
Stop leaving these messages. I don't want to hear someone bitching me out. I posted this question in hopes that someone will have gone through my side of this problem and have some advice on what I can do to eventually make things better. You seem to have some diluded image that I enjoy controling her life. I know that this is my problem, but until I've managed to deal with it I'm going to keep being in pain for it. She wants this relationship to work which as much as I do by the way. She's already decided that they're not going to hang out because I mean more to her then their friendship and she doesn't want to hurt me because of this anymore, and once I've managed to deal with it she'll decide if she will want to start hanging out with him again at that time. I want to deal with my part so bad. It hurts a lot to have her hanging out with him, but it hurts evenmore to know that I'm imposing so much opun her life. I need to learn some ways in which I can deal with my jealousy. So instead of just attacking me, please help me to deal with this. I know I am the one with the problem, I know I am the one who needs to deal with it. So if anyone knows a way to help me deal with it, please let me know. If all you're going to do is attack me and make me feel even worse than I do, then please leave me alone. I am in enough pain knowing what I'm doing to her with all this, I don't need more people making me hate myself.
You're just hearing what people think of you, your situation, and you dont like it. Why don't you get your girlfriend to sign up and we'll hear her side of it?
Jesus.
I feel bad enough without having more people rub into my face that I'm being unfair to her. I just want to be able to fix my problem so that my fiance and I will be able to stay together and stop arguing. So please... help with my jealousy, don't bother telling me the same shit time and again because I knew all that before I had even told her about my jealousy problems. I don't want to be this way... I want to fix my problems, so someone please give me some advice on how to do that instead of just telling me I'm jealous and it's not fair to her.
Carry on like this and you won't be part of it.
Its you she wants
remember that everytime you think 'he was better in bed than me' 'maybe she'd rather be with him'
Thanks... you're right, I really need to learn how to just forget about it. It has no effect on our current relationship together and it shouldn't bother me the way it does. I don't know how to just forget about it. Ignoring it is one thing, but it's hard to indefinately ignore something. I need to just completely forget about it all. I don't know how to do that, but I'm going to try really hard. Thanks again for that comment
From the other side of things I was in your partners position. My fella had one girlfriend before me. Whereas I have well..had more....For a long time I was still very good friends with an ex. However as time has gone on I've seen less and less because I began to realise just how hard it was for my partner to see us together. Maybe it won't happen in your case..maybe it will.
However as others have said she is with you now. She agreed to marry you. That is a huge HUGE promise. It means that you are the one she wants, you who she daydreams about and you who she babbles about to anyone who will listen. But you can't be her everything. No-one can. Jesus if our boyf/girlf were everything to us and the only person in our lives we'd kill them in 5mins flat!!
I know I'm rambling...but well...you've got the whole of your lives together and sometimes things are gonna be crap...it's part and parcel. You accept it, you talk (sometimes shout) about it and you move on to the next level.
the problem isn't the way you feel. everyone feels like that sometimes. the problem is the way you are dealing with it. and the way you are letting it affect you, and affect your girlfriend, and affect your relationship. it's as if you have already decided that she will cheat, and are trying to impose damage control by limiting the people she can see.
ask yourself: what if next time you felt jealous you didn't say anything? what if you tried to ignore it? what if you didn't let it escalate into a fight?
i've been in your position before, and i've been in your girl's position too, and i'll tell you this for nothing: insecurity and lack of trust are the quickest way to end a relationship.
Oh for goodness sakes, stop being a domineering insecure pathetic fool and people won't have to tell you that you are being one.
Sorry, I don't do sugar coating either. You are being pathetic for being so insecure, and, to be quite honest, if you are unwilling or unable to trust your fiancee then you should not be engaged to her and you should not be in a relationship with her.
Either you can trust her or you can't. If you think that she will ride this boy's cock simply because she did in the past then you obviously have an horrendously low opinion of your fiancee, and you seriously need to question whether or not you should continue the relationship. If you don't trust her enough to stay with you then, eventually, you will drive her away, and you will have nobody to blame but yourself.
Yeah, you're depressed and miserable and your self esteem is through the floor. Instead of whingeing and stamping your feet and blaming everyone else you should try taking some responsibility for your own actions, your own thoughts and your own reactions. The fact that you can't trust your lass is your problem and your fault, not hers, and if you do not start to appreciate this fact sharpish then you will discover that she will kick you into touch for a man who won't domineer her and tell her who she may or may not see. You are responsible for your feelings, not her, not us and not anybody else. Sort yourself out, and stop taking your insecurities out on your girl before you discover that she has got tired of being blamed for everything and has chucked you for someone who WILL trust her like she should be.
I am being critical, but if you cannot see the construction in my criticism then there is no hope.
I KNOW THIS IS MY PROBLEM AND NOT HERS SO QUIT TRYING TO CONVINCE ME OF THAT FACT! EVERYONE WHO WISHES TO TELL ME THAT... I ALREADY KNOW! I WANT TO FIX MY JEALOUSY SO INSTEAD OF TRYING TO DRAG ME DOWN, GIVE ME SOME ADVICE ON HOW TO DEAL WITH IT!
I don't want anyones opinion on me, I don't want people going off about how insecure I am and that it's my problem. I ALREADY KNOW, SO LAY OFF! I feel like an ass already and I don't need to have 30 strangers rip into me some more for it. If people know some ways in which to help me combat my jealousy, those are the comments I want to hear, otherwise don't bother posting.
/end rant
The whole reason I came onto this site is because I had a fight with my boyfriend [whom I've been with for over a year] last night. He had only one other partner, and I am a virgin. I've known him since Junior year in high school, and we both started dating...but not each other. The relationships that we both had, didn't work out. I was with a complete loser although I didn't know it at the time, and he was with what I like to call a slut (Is that being harsh??) SHE talked HIM (It feels like the majority is the other way around...) into having sex with her 2 or 3 months into thier "relationship". After they started being sexually active, they only saw each other once every week, and I still find it hard to belive that she was with only him during that time...I don't know if she was or not. 5 out of the next 7 weeks that they were together, they would just have sex and do nothing else, as far as I know. They would go up into a place in the mountains and park his car...and...you know... :eek: anyway, after a while, they decided that for next time, they wanted to drive to Wyoming and get a hotel room. It disturbs me, but that isn't the point. He justifies it for himself, saying that it doesn't really matter if a guy is a virgin or not because there is no physical evidence, and that it has nothing to do with self-respect. I think he's wrong....he wants me to get over it because it was in the past, and he loves me, yadda yadda yadda. But it still hurts me to think that he had told her once (maybe not verbally, but physically) that he cares about her and (In my opinion, one doesn't sleep with somebody unless they have even the smallest feeling of wanting to be with them forever.) I'm on the same page with you though, man. Except I don't know HOW I would feel if he kept in contact with her. I'm rambling.