i just would love a hug 💔 (potential trigger warning)

eylah

[*Potential trigger warning, please read and response if it feels safe and comfortable to do so]

im sat here sobbing bc im finding today rly hard and i have noone to spend xmas with. previously id be with my dad sister & mum but bc of everything thats happened this year losing mum dads abuse etc i am alone in my homeless flat. 💔 i know ppl have it worse than me but im just trying so hard i rly am 💔 i feel like all i do is moan but i just idk? im battling so much shit on my own and ppl expect me to be ‘fine’ and to deal with it bc im an adult but it’s not as easy as that.💔 idk how to cope i dont wanna deal with this today i dont bc all i can think abt is mum and shit its so hard. i know im 19 and ppl look at me and probably laugh bc im struggling so much but its just hard when all previous years ive celebrated with my mum etc and this year im cuddling her urn its so so shit it rly is. im sry for even posting this im just needing a hug 😭. i wasnt expecting to even be here for that long but i have managed to xmas so its a huge achievement for me bc i wasnt expecting this but gosh i cant wait for this to end. 🙁

shannon_164

@eylah that all sounds so so difficult, i’m so sorry you’re feeling that way:( firstly i just want to say you have absolutely no reason to apologise for posting this, we all care about you!!

i hear how you feel people have it worse than you - i know it can be so easy to compare our situation to others, but everything you are experiencing and feeling right now is SO valid!!

it’s super clear how hard you are trying - that takes so much strength to keep trying everyday like you do and i’m so so proud of you for that i really am:)

you have so so much to deal with, you are allowed to feel however it is you feel - no one should expect you to feel any particular way! just because you’re an adult doesn’t mean that you don’t find things difficult etc - you are most definitely able to struggle still regardless of your age!!

anyone who sees how much your struggling and laughs about it is so wrong for that - i see how much you’re struggling and see how hard you try every single day and regardless of how much you’re struggling, how caring and supportive you are of others too - you’re such an amazing person eylah!

i’m so so proud of you for still being here even though you might not have wanted to be, i know how difficult that is and i know how much strength that takes! it really is such an achievement making it to christmas, i hope you’re proud of yourself eylah🩷

Sian321

Hey @eylah , I know that each of us are physically apart, but oh my goodness, I am just sending you the biggest hug across this space right now and wish so much it could reach you.

Today sounds so painful. Missing your mum terribly. Everything you've been through with your dad. Being alone in your new flat. It feels like there's been so much lost this year, and it is completely valid that right now it's just agony. You're not moaning. You're not immature. You're grieving, and you're surviving, and you're finding ways to hold on. If that means sobbing, then let the tears pour out of you. Everything you're feeling is valid.

As you said, you have survived every single one of your hardest days, even the days that had seemed unsurviveable. And that is so powerful, and it's been exhausting. And both those things can be true at once.

We hear you, @eylah and we care. Today has been so hard, I hear you, and with each hour that passes you're getting through. Tomorrow will come, and the day next, and the next. And this Community will be here. And your psych liaison. And MH team. And all this love you feel for your mum. It continues.

I completely echo what @shannonxg_ has said above - we're so proud of you. And I for one and so happy you're here and that we've gotten the chance to meet you.

Go gently with yourself. And keep asking for hugs. We'll offer them right back!

eylah

thankyou both @shannonxg_ @Sian321 so much yours replies are so beautifully written thankyou you both are beautiful angels ❤️. massive hugs 🫂. in the new year im hoping i can get a tattoo and a necklace to put my mums ashes in bc then i can carry her around with me. and i am getting butterfly tattoos bc thats my fav ever tattoo i ever wanted bc i want to get 2 one for me and one for mum.

im just rly wanting today to go away bc its rly tiring but i had the best compliment i was told i would be a gd mental health worker bc i have gd listening skills & bc im a kind person and bc i helped someone out today who was rly struggling and i made sure they was safe and they rly appreciated my help. ( thats rly made my day) bc i have been struggling with sh thoughts today bc everything is just to much but i didnt sh. im trying to keep going even though i constantly feel like giving up. not cried in a hour trying to keep strong bc i need to make mum proud. 🥺

its a bad day not a bad life ❤️

TheNightmare

I'm really sorry you're feeling this way, but I want you to know that your pain is valid. It's okay to feel lost and overwhelmed, especially when you're dealing with such deep grief and so much at once. You don’t have to be fine, and you don't have to go through this alone. You’re doing the best you can, and that’s more than enough. It's okay to reach out for support, even if it feels hard. You’re so strong for getting through each day, and I’m really proud of you for making it to Christmas, even if it’s so difficult. Take things one step at a time and know that it’s okay to not have all the answers. Sending you a big virtual hug.

shannon_164

@eylah aw the tattoo sounds like a lovely idea!! from what i’ve seen of you on here, you really would make such a good mental health worker - you’re so so caring and supportive of others even when you’re struggling so much yourself!

i know how difficult it can be when you are trying so hard to keep going even when you want to give up and sh urges too - im so so proud of you for dealing with this all so amazingly - you’ve got this eylah, i believe in you🩷

how are you feeling today eylah?

eylah

thankyou @shannonxg_ im feeling so exhausted from all the crying i did 😅. everything hurts so im not in the best head space. yes i love butterflies so i think it would be rly cute! giving up for me is on my mind 24/7 but im still here thats ok? but yeah life is just ⭐️ exhausting ⭐️ thankyou again ❤️

shannon_164

@eylah sending you sm love right now🩷

i’m always here if you want to talk, pls do message me if you want too - i care about you!!

i know how exhausting it can feel when giving up is what you think about 24/7 but i promise you that you make the world a much better place, you are such an amazing person!! im so so proud of you for getting through all this - still being here is such an achievement, i really am so proud of you eylah🫶🏻

Sian321

Hey @eylah , how are you this morning? Yesterday sounds extreamly difficult, and I hear that those thoughts of giving up are still here 24/7. It seems relentless, and I know you're exhausted.

I wondered whether you are able to have any contact with your MH team over the Holidays at all? I will share a few resources below which may feel helpful:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xZmAhZHmYtw
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LgRd1Mzhb_Q&t=22s
https://www.griefencounter.org.uk/get-support/i-am-a-young-adult-aged-18-25/
https://griefguide.sueryder.org/support/understanding-bereavement/suicide/
https://stayalive.prevent-suicide.org.uk/

I echo what has been said above too - that surviving when you're coping with these thoughts 24/7 takes immense energy and is a huge achievment. Yesterday came and is gone. You're taking it one day at a time We're here.

eylah

thankyou both ill reply in bit just struggling with suicidal thoughts * i have no plan im not okay but no plan* but thankyou both ❤️‍🩹 im safe

shannon_164

@eylah don’t worry about how long it takes you to reply!! i hope you’re ok - please do reach out if you need support, you are so deserving of it🫶🏻

glad you are feeling safe🩷

eylah

i rly need a hug 💔

shannon_164

@eylah sending you the biggest virtual hug🫶🏻

here for you always🩷

AnonymousToe

We’re here @eylah you’re doing so well 🫂🩷

briannat

@eylah sending you the biggest virtual hug that I can How are you today Eylah? What have you been up to? Your tattoo ideas sound beautiful, I'm excited for you to get them

eylah

thankyou all for the hugs im not doing gd just come out of hospital was so shit 💔 psych team were shit today so was waste of time 💔 im so tired 😪 I rly am.

AnonymousToe

I’m so sorry eylah, you don’t deserve to be messed around at such a difficult time of year

eylah

i cant take this shitty life anymore 💔 why cant i just be happy for once? i fucking hate myself i hate my life. 💔 im such a horrible person 😪 i do nothing right all i do is moan life is so painful im just so sad 😪 * safe *

shannon_164

@eylah you’re not at all a horrible person!! i really do hear how hard things are for you, im always here🩷

eylah

Sian321 wrote: »

Hey @eylah , how are you this morning? Yesterday sounds extreamly difficult, and I hear that those thoughts of giving up are still here 24/7. It seems relentless, and I know you're exhausted.

I wondered whether you are able to have any contact with your MH team over the Holidays at all? I will share a few resources below which may feel helpful:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xZmAhZHmYtw
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LgRd1Mzhb_Q&t=22s
https://www.griefencounter.org.uk/get-support/i-am-a-young-adult-aged-18-25/
https://griefguide.sueryder.org/support/understanding-bereavement/suicide/
https://stayalive.prevent-suicide.org.uk/

I echo what has been said above too - that surviving when you're coping with these thoughts 24/7 takes immense energy and is a huge achievment. Yesterday came and is gone. You're taking it one day at a time We're here.

i was supposed to but she cancelled on me so i havent had contact with my mh team. i rly appreciate you always replying to me it means a lot to me ❤️giving up seems like a gd option for me but ik its not what i rly want deep down especially bc i dont think mum would want to see me in heaven so soon 💔. thankyou sian ❤️

eylah

shannonxg_ wrote: »

@eylah you’re not at all a horrible person!! i really do hear how hard things are for you, im always here🩷

thankyou i rly appreciate you replying to me you mean so much to me ❤️

eylah

rly dont want to be here anymore 😪 had a rly shitty night dealing with police & hospital staff 💔 im hating everything rn i just cant find a way out of this pain. im just tired and constantly in pain 💔 noone from the mh team are supporting me and im just in agony 24/7. im tired 😪. i have no plan or anything im just tired mentally & physically. im safe im just offloading.

shannon_164

sending so much love your way @eylah 🩷

Claire28

Hi @eylah I’m sorry to hear how hard things are right now. I’m glad you’re safe. I’m hearing how the pain feels overwhelming, constant and impossible to escape from, it’s completely understandable to find it exhausting.

I can sense that you’re carrying so much without support from your MH team which is very hard. When was the last time you heard from them? Have you got an appointment coming up?

You can offload as much as you want to Eylah, we’re here if you did want to talk about last night too.

Sending you hugs

eylah

thankyou shan & claire sry ive not been very well at all today been sleeping etc probably bc of the hospital treatment etc. i cant say on what happened at the hospital bc of the guidelines but i just didnt feel comfortable with having security watching me 24/7 whilst i was in a vulnerable position. 😪 i was told that my mh nurse will be told abt whats happened in the last 2 days? so im assuming bc it’s monday tmr she’ll reach out tmr not sure tbh bc of stuff that happened last night/ early hours i think she’s gonna be rly concerned abt me so im not looking forward to that. 😪💔 just so sad rn i have noone i rly dont im alone. gonna make some smiley faces bc i need to fuel myself with something 💔

Orchid059

Hi @eylah I can hear how difficult this time is for you at the moment and you are doing so well to deal with it all- you are so resilient. It sounds like whatever happened at the hospital was distressing for you and I am sorry you had to endure that. Hopefully, your mental health nurse will call you up tomorrow to discuss what has gone on and you can portray your side of the story too.

I can understand how being on your own at this time adds more difficulty to your situation as you deserve to be surrounded by support. Remember that even at times when you feel like you are alone, you always have us, so in that regard you will always have our support.

Keep fighting Eylah you are being so brave and we are so proud of you. Keep updating us with your progress as we love to hear how you are getting on because you matter to us.

eylah

@Orchid059 thankyou ❤️ i mean it sounds like ive done something awful but its only what happened and what the hospital wanted for me but i was having none of it so last time this happened was few months ago after i left my previous domestic abuse relationship with my ex and i was forced into hospital so thats why im scared on what will be said. thankyou so much for responding it means a lot i rly hope you and your adorable doggo had a gd christmas ❤️

eylah

im so fucking scared 😭

she just rang me she said i need help & she worried abt me and for what had happened the past two days that shes not sure abt how to help me. she is now going to go talk to my psychiatrist abt past few days and im rly scared im sobbing 😭 idk what to do 💔

amy02

We're here for you @eylah and are sending big hugs. I hope you're able to look after yourself this evening and get some rest

eylah

well i wish i could but im on edge rn bc shes wanting me to go to the hospital but bc of trauma etc im not going and shes ended the call to talk to my psychiatrist. i cant say whats happened past 2 days bc of guidelines but im just alone 💔😔 im worth nothing.

Matthew_04

Sending big hugs right now eylah
We are with you and you are so valued in this community