( mention of sexual assault ). life is so hard atm

eylah · November 11

tw mention of sexual assault. long rant abt how im feeling rn

everything is just getting to much for me atm and its getting worse then better ik things get worse before getting but its just getting exhausting to point im waking up every day dreading whats next. im going through a lot rn I recently moved into my new flat which has been a awful time so far bc i donr have anyone to turn to im just feeling so alone with my thoughts and emotions its tiring bc im getting no relief from my thoughts and i just wish everything was ok. i am trying to come to terms with when i was recently sexually assaulted by a unknown male but its just agonising bc i reported to police but theyre wanting mr to a statment but bc last time it took 2 and half hours and bc of how much i struggled after i dont think i can physically do it. i know hes on bail so xant harm me but im petrified I rly am. i want to protect other women from this individual but im just being selfish rn and thinking abt myself but its just stopping me from sleeping etc im unable to get it out my head. ive reached out to rape crisis but they werent helpful and i feel like i have noone to turn to the solo officer isnt much help she put in a ppn in but that does nothing. ik im being selfish rn and thinking abt myself but im just rly rly struggling rn. 😭😭im trying my best with not self harming but rn its just so difficult to not to i keep relapsing but i just feel such a constant failure. 😭. ( im safe).

TheNightmare · November 11

eylah wrote: »

tw mention of sexual assault. long rant abt how im feeling rn
everything is just getting to much for me atm and its getting worse then better ik things get worse before getting but its just getting exhausting to point im waking up every day dreading whats next. im going through a lot rn I recently moved into my new flat which has been a awful time so far bc i donr have anyone to turn to im just feeling so alone with my thoughts and emotions its tiring bc im getting no relief from my thoughts and i just wish everything was ok. i am trying to come to terms with when i was recently sexually assaulted by a unknown male but its just agonising bc i reported to police but theyre wanting mr to a statment but bc last time it took 2 and half hours and bc of how much i struggled after i dont think i can physically do it. i know hes on bail so xant harm me but im petrified I rly am. i want to protect other women from this individual but im just being selfish rn and thinking abt myself but its just stopping me from sleeping etc im unable to get it out my head. ive reached out to rape crisis but they werent helpful and i feel like i have noone to turn to the solo officer isnt much help she put in a ppn in but that does nothing. ik im being selfish rn and thinking abt myself but im just rly rly struggling rn. 😭😭im trying my best with not self harming but rn its just so difficult to not to i keep relapsing but i just feel such a constant failure. 😭. ( im safe).

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can’t imagine how tough things must feel right now, and it’s completely okay to be struggling. Please don’t be hard on yourself—what you’re going through is incredibly difficult, and you’re doing your best. You deserve support, and I’m here for you whenever you need to talk or lean on someone. You’re not alone in this. Keep reaching out, and take things one step at a time. You matter, and I’m sending you strength.

eylah · November 12

thankyou so much @TheNightmare i rly appreciate your kindness ❤️

TheNightmare · November 12

eylah wrote: »

thankyou so much @TheNightmare i rly appreciate your kindness ❤️

No problem ❤️

eylah · November 12

ive found a helpline that helps ppl with who have gone through this so im hoping they can help ive emailed them to see if they can help me.

briannat · November 12

Hey there Eylah,

My name is Brianna and I'm a moderator here on community. My heart goes out to you as it seems like you've been through so much lately and are struggling to carry the heaviness of it all. I'd like to state that nothing about your acts have been selfish. It's a rather kind thought that after being assaulted, you think about wanting to protect other women from this person. Kudos to you for having already reported this incident to the police, that takes so much courage and is not at all an easy thing to do. Going through this process is long and tiring so take the time you need to rest, sleep, and do things that bring you warmth and comfort as you're so deserving of it. I wonder if there is anyone who could accompany you (when and if you're ready) to give this statement to the police ? This is not something you should go through alone. While you've shared that you're safe (which is very positive) I can still hear that you're struggling with self harm. I'd like to share some signposts with you that might be helpful for you.

https://www.combined.nhs.uk/wp-content/uploads/attachments/self-harm-limiting-the-damage-camhs.pdf
https://calmharm.co.uk/.
www.nhs.uk/live-well/sexual-health/help-after-rape-and-sexual-assault/
Safeline offer a range of free services, providing emotional support and confidential chat for anyone who has been raped or sexually abused - no matter how long ago. They also have an Independent Sexual Violence Advisor team who can provide independent practical support and assistance to anyone considering reporting sexual violence to the police, or has already done so. You can contact their general helpline on 0808 800 5008, Monday, Wednesday and Friday 9am-5pm, Tuesday and Thursday 8am-8pm and Saturdays 10am - 2pm. For the mens only/under 18s telephone helpline you can find out more at www.safeline.org.uk, webchat and email are also available via their website.

I'm aware this is quite a bit of information so take your time going through your options, there's no rush. Keep reaching out and know that you are deserving of feeling safe and supported during this time

eylah · November 12

thankyou i keep blaming myself like i feel so shite abt myself that it happened but i was scared. im bit confused with the charity’s you posted it says at bottom safeline is for men? is that correct sry im a bit confused.

Katie · November 12

Hey @eylah just wanted to offer some clarity on this:

eylah wrote: »

im bit confused with the charity’s you posted it says at bottom safeline is for men? is that correct sry im a bit confused.

Safeline is mainly for women, but it does have a separate helpline for males. You can use their other services you just won't need their services for men! I hope that makes sense. Do let us know if you have any more questions.

I'm also sending you hugs and strength as you go through this

We're here with you.

eylah · November 12

oh thankyou @Katie appreciate the help i will have a look ❤️

Amy22 · November 12

@eylah That sounds super tough and hard for you right now especially when you are processing that traumatic event too as well. I can understand your reason as to why you feel unable to report the said individual because it takes a lot of strength to file a report to the police about an assault. It's something you may want to do in your own time and when you feel ready too. I can't imagine how stressful that must have been for you. We are always here for you and I am too as well if you ever need someone to talk to

. I thought I'd share some helplines that I know of which could be of use to you. Of course you don't need to feel the pressure of reaching out as this is something you will want to do in your own time and when you feel ready to. But I thought I'd share in case you want to seek further advice and help on this.

As the others said above, there is safeline which deals which all types of assualt as well as sexual assualt too.

(The other helpline I was going to send a link to is for the charity We are Survivor's but that is specifically for male assualt in general so I don't know if that would be useful to you).

However, I have found some other websites in the mean time for you. I'll put them in a spoiler for you to then access when you need to

. I hope you get the clarity and justice you need to move forward

. I hope you are doing okay right now

.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

https://thesurvivorstrust.org/

https://refuge.org.uk/

https://www.solacewomensaid.org/

https://rapecrisis.org.uk/

https://www.endviolenceagainstwomen.org.uk/[ /spoiler]

Sending you massive hugs right now,

Amy22

eylah · November 13

i have thr solo lady calling me today to discuss doing a statment tmr im rly not ready or wanting to do one bc of last time

.

Sunshine12 · November 13

@eylah hi, first of all I'm sorry to hear that you've had to go through such an awful and traumatic experience, your feelings of dread are completely valid. I'd also like to let u know that u are most certainly NOT selfish for feeling hesitant about delivering a statement to the police, that is an incredibly nerve-wracking thing to have to endure and u shouldn't have to feel pressured to deliver one if u don't feel ready to talk through it yet, plenty other people who have been sexually assaulted experience similar feelings and anxiety about delivering their statements, and it doesn't make u any less of a good person or selfish for not being ready, the only person to blame for anything here is the disgusting person who assaulted u. I hope u find the support u need and take care of yourself

eylah · November 13

shes not msged me yet im hoping she doesn’t bc i dont want to do it. im rly struggling with sh thoughts rn i cant get his hands of my body ( feeling). i hate my life

im safe

eylah · November 13

relapsed everything is to much rn ( safe). solo officer not much help she’s horrible don’t want to do it but im just selfish im fucking ridiculous.

eylah · November 13

i have been left to deal with this alone. no one cares abt me ( not here dw ). im just shouldn’t bother im fucking exhausted ive had enough of men thinking it’s ok to rape me 😭😭. fml

Sian321 · November 13

Hi @eylah , I've just caught up with this thread, and can hear how awful things are feeling right now, pushing you to the point of relapse. That sounds so overwhelming to be coping with, particularly when you're going through so much of this alone. That's heart-breaking, and I'm so sorry that the solo officer has been horrible. That's no okay. You're coping with so much.

You mentioned that you're safe right now, and thank you for clarifying this. How have you been able to keep yourself safe, @eylah ? Is there anything that tends to ground you when the sh urges get loud? If you do feel you need any medical attention this evening too, please know that NHS 111 is an option for advice and support.

It feels like the thoughts of what happened to you are tormenting you right now, and it sounds so frightening to feel like you can't get away from the memories. I know you're saying that you feel selfish, but from where I'm standing, you're trying to come to terms with a horrific event, and the responsibility of other people's safety from the man who hurt you should not have to fall on your shoulders. You're already doing so much, and this is a huge thing to be battling through. You deserve to take the time you need and to decide what's best for you.

I'm so glad you can post here and keep us updated. Sending you the biggest hug, @eylah. You deserve to feel safe in your body and mind

eylah · November 13

self harm tbh im safe though. im feeling rly selfish rn bc im drinking alcohol and mum died from it but im just a bitch who deserves nothing.

eylah · November 13

sry was having a meltdown when posted that im safe rn and just wanting to sleep. im so sry

eylah · November 14

supposed to be doing the statment today but the women hasnt called or anything but its just playing on my mind bc she said before 10:30.

Katie · November 14

Hey @eylah thank you for letting us know you're safe. Your safety is so important to us

I want to reassure you that you deserve so much more than this. This shouldn't have happened to you and it was never your fault. Were you able to get any sleep last night?

eylah wrote: »

supposed to be doing the statment today but the women hasnt called or anything but its just playing on my mind bc she said before 10:30.

I hear you on this Eylah - it can be so anxiety-inducing when we're sat by the phone waiting for a call, especially a big one like this that will bring up all kinds of feelings. Do you have someone with you today who can support you? I also wanted to ask if you knew what you was going to say, like if you've done any prep or have some notes? This isn't an easy thing to do and you are being so brave for agreeing to make a statement.

I also wanted to echo what @Sian321 said above. You're not selfish Eylah. You have been through a traumatic event and thinking about yourself doesn't make you selfish. You're not a failure either - you're just trying to cope and get through each day.

Please try to be gentle with yourself today

We're here for you

eylah · November 14

im gonna refuse to do it idc if ppl think im wrong for doing it but noone understands why im not doing it. im not gonna do it bc i waited 6 plus months his bail extended multiple times b then to be told nothing is happening and he got let free. i dont have noone if i did i probably wouldn’t be posting here. thanks 🙌🏻

eylah · November 14

nvm that post i spoke to the lady today and bc of how sever the interview evidence thing i need to do and how worried she is it will affect me like last time she is gonna contact special police ppl who can help me with talking to them and give evidence in court. fml im so scared

.

leyla26 · November 14

Hi Eylah,

I'm so sorry this has happened to you and I just want to say that regardless of what anyone says or thinks (not that nice people would judge your decision!) you are not any less or selfish for not reporting it or struggling to report some details or anything like that. Reporting it actively forcesd you to relieve the trauma you went through and you're already experiencing so much and struggling with thoughts of harming yourself, so there is no need to think of others right now. The only one to blame for his actions against any potential others would be him.

I hope that the interview goes well, you deserve so much more than what is happenign to you right now and in the past

This is something you can get through but of course it may take time and lots of processing but that is something I think that you;re strong enough to get through. There are many people here who will feel similar because unfortunately so many people have been through similar. You're not alone in all of this, lots of hugs x

eylah · November 15

oh thankyou leyla appreciate it ❤️. had a rly horrible night last night with thoughts of this

. struggling rn to

eylah · November 16

all this just making me want to die i cba.

safe ig

Princesslouise02 · November 20

Ohh gord I can’t imagine what you going through and it’s your fault at all this should not be happing to women at all right now something needs to be done I will send you an phone number so you can contact a service for support hopefully it will help loads of films ans Netflix and rest and sleep aswell as cuddling into something you love this is the a phone number don’t know if they do it for young adults but you can try it’s called rapecriss you can get the phone number aswell look on mind too as they have support on their aswell and phone numbers I think their is one called refuge aswell hope this helps 😊

eylah · November 21

annoyed bc ive been trying to contact the solo women abt giving my evidence etc and abt what happened that night but ik she said she would contact me yesterday but hasnt. its been over a week and ngl its putting me of doing it at all and just giving up with whole investigation bc its to much all this dragging on.

Azziman · November 21

Hey @eylah, we hear you. It's clear that you've been going through a really difficult time, and well done for taking each day as it comes. I can hear how you're frustrated about not being contacted to give evidence despite expecting one, sorry to hear that this has been dragging on for you. I hope that they contact you soon to hear your experience, because it's important that you're heard in this process.

Just to echo what others have said, you're completely within your right to report or not report this. What happened to you was absolutely not okay, and how you want to proceed is completely your choice. Whatever you decide to do, please don't be hard on yourself, and know that you have a community here that's supportive of you regardless of what decision you take. The main thing we care about is your wellbeing, and being here to listen to you and support you through this

eylah · November 21

its impacting me massively its so hard on my mh bc having to relive it every night is hard in itself then having to ‘be ok’ after its so shit. ive had enough of it i have i am so done with this messed up world.

Sian321 · November 21

Hey @eylah , thanks so much for your message. I can really hear just how exhausting this feels, and how relentless it is to have to relive the trauma of what's happened to you over and over. I'm so sorry that you're in this much pain right now. It sounds so frightening for you

Beyond your contact with your solo worker, I wondered what kinds of mental health support you've been recieving lately? E.g. any support with what it's like to be reliving the memories, or support processing the memories?

If helpful at all, I'll share a few spaces below that might be able to support you with this:

I'm so pleased that you're able to continue posting here, keeping us updated, and asking for support. I can imagine things feel truly hellish right now, and I know it's probably incredibly hard, but try to give yourself as much grace as you can. There is truly no right or wrong way to respond to this, and whatever feelings you're having are valid.

Sending so much care, Eylah

eylah · November 21

no I dont have noone rape crisis were useless they are like any other helpline tbh

( mention of sexual assault ). life is so hard atm

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