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idk what to do anymoreš“
shannonxg_
Posts: 257 The Mix Regular
i donāt even know why iām writing this here. i guess so iāve told someone in a sense so itās not just me know knows anymore? idk.
TW btw - mentions of self harm, suicidal thoughts, police involvement, eating disorders.
for the longest time i was continually being refused help. i was never ever bad enough for help. it was confusing though as police were ending up involved all the day over how i was feeling. it made no sense to say that i still wasnāt feeling ābadā enough for support.
i was using services i could self refer to and helplines. i hadnāt had very much luck, i seem to meet the most dismissive and invaliding of people ever. i was really trying though and did have some helpful conversations but most, not so much.
finally, i had a referral accepted by cmht. i was assessed by a student social worker which was kinda scary as i needed it to go well and i was anxious about speaking to just one person, but given the fact she was a student that meant there was also a qualified social worker in the room too. it turned out both of them were actually so lovely and supportive and the assessment went a lot better than i expected. i then started working with the social worker from around june this year, i finally felt like i was being listened to and getting somewhere.
things were getting better. i had left my job and was doing a youth programme instead, i finally had support from cmht, i was meant to be going back to college. it was going well until it wasnāt.
i had an appointment with my social worker at the start of august, a cpn had sat in on this appointment (and my previous appointment with her had ended in a mental state assessment over what i shared). the social worker said she had news, her news was she got a new job in a different area of social work so she is leaving the team. of course i know that people move on, thatās normal but i was (and still am) so sad about her leaving, im allowed to be sad about it. everyone kept telling me āoh but the new one could be betterā, regardless of who was to replace her i will always miss her.
after a whole month of her leaving, i had 0 support from them - no one even phoned to at least check in to make sure i was still even on the planet. i phoned and asked about if they were ever gonna contact me. my new social worker then phoned me later that day. i didnāt get good vibes from her. she was making me out to be a problem:( she then passed a comment saying āweāre only here for the people that actually need supportā implying i donāt - i donāt know why but that hurt a lot? i walked from college to the bus in tears over that one silly comment.
we then had an appointment the following week, i didnāt want to see her because of how the phone call went. it was really difficult to open up to her but i was trying so so hard. she kept dismissing and invaliding everything i was saying. after so long i couldnāt tell her anything because she just kept shutting me down i guess? she had advised self harm is an attention seeking behaviour, maybe i am the issue rather than professionals and also how there isnāt anything wrong with me as i have found a few medications unhelpful for me so far - i would have thought as a social worker she didnāt have such views on mental health re attention seeking and that she would be aware that mediation isnāt for everyone but clearly she doesnāt know muchā¦
it has been 3 weeks since the appointment, i heard nothing at all from them. i then received a letter advising me i have been discharged from cmht and left with absolutely no support whatsoever. itās so unfair. i donāt understand what it is i need to do to prove to them im bad enough for support because feeling suicidal, self harming, struggling with disordered eating, hating every aspect of life, leaving my job as a result of my mental health, dropping out of 2 college courses because of my mental health, that isnāt enough for help they say.
maybe she is right, maybe i am the problem. maybe i donāt deserve help.
now all i have, which cmht / my gp arenāt even aware of is counselling with the mix, but itās only for 8 weeks (7 left) so then after that i really do have no support again.
i only done my first counselling session last night, its with a counsellor i had before so i specifically asked for her again as i know that i got on with her and felt able to speak to her and that she was NOT dismissive and invalidating of all that i shared with her so that way i was guaranteed someone helpful and supportive. im already thinking about the final session, saying goodbye to her for the last time. im so scared for that day. after our last final session i cried so much. she had told me i could request her specifically again if i wanted to, and of course if she still worked there. i was kind of hoping when i asked about her specifically they would say that she had left because then i dont have to go through loosing her again, but also was really hoping that she hadnāt because i knew she was helpful and supportive. im just so scared to go through the loosing her again process. its been 1 session and i am already non stop thinking about the final session:(
i really am just so so drained from life and donāt know what to do anymore. i just donāt understand why i canāt get support from cmht for example, what i do need to do to prove to them i need support?
im really restricted in places i can access for support too as i am in northern ireland so thereās many āukā services that dont actually cover the whole of the uk as northern ireland is excluded. i have tried basically everywhere ive found. i even tried the student helpline my college has with a certain helpline / counselling service in northern ireland and republic of ireland. i donāt want to contact them again as it was such a bad experience.
iām so sorry this is so long and negative but i have no idea what to do or who to even try and tell because i donāt really have anyone. i promise i am safe and donāt have any plans to do anything to myself.
if you made it this far, congratulations here is your medal lol š
thank you for reading this - i hope you have a good day / nightš«¶š»
TW btw - mentions of self harm, suicidal thoughts, police involvement, eating disorders.
for the longest time i was continually being refused help. i was never ever bad enough for help. it was confusing though as police were ending up involved all the day over how i was feeling. it made no sense to say that i still wasnāt feeling ābadā enough for support.
i was using services i could self refer to and helplines. i hadnāt had very much luck, i seem to meet the most dismissive and invaliding of people ever. i was really trying though and did have some helpful conversations but most, not so much.
finally, i had a referral accepted by cmht. i was assessed by a student social worker which was kinda scary as i needed it to go well and i was anxious about speaking to just one person, but given the fact she was a student that meant there was also a qualified social worker in the room too. it turned out both of them were actually so lovely and supportive and the assessment went a lot better than i expected. i then started working with the social worker from around june this year, i finally felt like i was being listened to and getting somewhere.
things were getting better. i had left my job and was doing a youth programme instead, i finally had support from cmht, i was meant to be going back to college. it was going well until it wasnāt.
i had an appointment with my social worker at the start of august, a cpn had sat in on this appointment (and my previous appointment with her had ended in a mental state assessment over what i shared). the social worker said she had news, her news was she got a new job in a different area of social work so she is leaving the team. of course i know that people move on, thatās normal but i was (and still am) so sad about her leaving, im allowed to be sad about it. everyone kept telling me āoh but the new one could be betterā, regardless of who was to replace her i will always miss her.
after a whole month of her leaving, i had 0 support from them - no one even phoned to at least check in to make sure i was still even on the planet. i phoned and asked about if they were ever gonna contact me. my new social worker then phoned me later that day. i didnāt get good vibes from her. she was making me out to be a problem:( she then passed a comment saying āweāre only here for the people that actually need supportā implying i donāt - i donāt know why but that hurt a lot? i walked from college to the bus in tears over that one silly comment.
we then had an appointment the following week, i didnāt want to see her because of how the phone call went. it was really difficult to open up to her but i was trying so so hard. she kept dismissing and invaliding everything i was saying. after so long i couldnāt tell her anything because she just kept shutting me down i guess? she had advised self harm is an attention seeking behaviour, maybe i am the issue rather than professionals and also how there isnāt anything wrong with me as i have found a few medications unhelpful for me so far - i would have thought as a social worker she didnāt have such views on mental health re attention seeking and that she would be aware that mediation isnāt for everyone but clearly she doesnāt know muchā¦
it has been 3 weeks since the appointment, i heard nothing at all from them. i then received a letter advising me i have been discharged from cmht and left with absolutely no support whatsoever. itās so unfair. i donāt understand what it is i need to do to prove to them im bad enough for support because feeling suicidal, self harming, struggling with disordered eating, hating every aspect of life, leaving my job as a result of my mental health, dropping out of 2 college courses because of my mental health, that isnāt enough for help they say.
maybe she is right, maybe i am the problem. maybe i donāt deserve help.
now all i have, which cmht / my gp arenāt even aware of is counselling with the mix, but itās only for 8 weeks (7 left) so then after that i really do have no support again.
i only done my first counselling session last night, its with a counsellor i had before so i specifically asked for her again as i know that i got on with her and felt able to speak to her and that she was NOT dismissive and invalidating of all that i shared with her so that way i was guaranteed someone helpful and supportive. im already thinking about the final session, saying goodbye to her for the last time. im so scared for that day. after our last final session i cried so much. she had told me i could request her specifically again if i wanted to, and of course if she still worked there. i was kind of hoping when i asked about her specifically they would say that she had left because then i dont have to go through loosing her again, but also was really hoping that she hadnāt because i knew she was helpful and supportive. im just so scared to go through the loosing her again process. its been 1 session and i am already non stop thinking about the final session:(
i really am just so so drained from life and donāt know what to do anymore. i just donāt understand why i canāt get support from cmht for example, what i do need to do to prove to them i need support?
im really restricted in places i can access for support too as i am in northern ireland so thereās many āukā services that dont actually cover the whole of the uk as northern ireland is excluded. i have tried basically everywhere ive found. i even tried the student helpline my college has with a certain helpline / counselling service in northern ireland and republic of ireland. i donāt want to contact them again as it was such a bad experience.
iām so sorry this is so long and negative but i have no idea what to do or who to even try and tell because i donāt really have anyone. i promise i am safe and donāt have any plans to do anything to myself.
if you made it this far, congratulations here is your medal lol š
thank you for reading this - i hope you have a good day / nightš«¶š»
Post edited by Gemma on
4
Comments
It sounds like you've had to be resilient through so much, and it's completely understandable that you'd be feeling overwhelmed and scared. How are you feeling today?
The main thing I am noticing here is how many times you've been dismissed and invalidated, especially when you were reaching out for help. It's not fair, and it's not okay and I am not surprised that you don't know where to go or who to turn to. It sounds like you've been trying to get help for a while, but haven't found a consistent source of support and I can hear that you are feeling incredibly frustrated about this which is to be expected!
There are resources available in the meantime though, even if it feels overwhelming right now:
Contact a mental health helpline: They can offer a listening ear and point you towards resources in your area. Here are a few:
Local urgent mental health helpline | Open 24/7 | Find details about your local service here.
*Crisis Messenger - Our crisis messenger text service provides free, 24/7 crisis support across the UK. You can text THEMIX to 85258.
Contact Mind Infoline: Infoline is an information and signposting service. You can ask them about:
Mental health problems
Where to get help near you
Treatment options
Advocacy services
Welfare benefits
It's important to remember that you're not alone in this. Many people struggle to get the support they need, and it's often a frustrating and demoralising experience. Your feelings are valid, and you deserve to be heard and understood, Shannon.
It's also okay to feel sad and angry about your social worker leaving. She clearly made a positive impact on your life, and it's natural to grieve the loss of that support.
It's wonderful to hear that you're feeling a strong connection with your counsellor. It's completely normal to form bonds with people who are supportive and understanding, especially when you're sharing personal experiences. It's also understandable to feel anxious about the end of your counselling sessions. How would it feel to discuss these feelings with your counsellor?
Remember, you're strong and resilient. You've been through a lot, and you've come out the other side so many times. Keep reaching out for help, yoou deserve to get the help you need
Sending Hugs to you
it feels good but also kind of scary? i always struggle with telling anyone anything close to the reality of how i really feel. iām not even sure how i feel now to be honest, not really any better at all though.
i really have had a LOT of bad luck with āprofessionalsā, ive experienced so many dismissive and invalidating comments. everytime i finally meet someone who is actually supportive and helpful, itās always a very short term thing eg 6 sessions or else itās meant to be long term but then the actual person leaves that job.
i have tried so so many helplines, and relied on them so much that they are actually becoming unhelpful - i donāt mean that they are unhelpful, more just like they can no longer help me now? i really donāt know how to put what i mean into words. iām sorry. as for mind, i am in northern ireland so canāt actually access mind as they only cover england / wales. i have been to my gp so so many times - between september 2023 and may 2024, i honestly felt as if i was at the doctors more than what the gpās, nurses, hcaās etc all were because i was there that much!!!!! they just refer me to cmht as they canāt do anything else for me but now cmht have discharged me, they wonāt accept a referral so soon (they spent MONTHS refusing referral after referral and i donāt have the energy to deal with that again).
i think i kind of did touch on it with the counsellor when i done sessions with her earlier this year, about my struggle around loosing that support. i feel worse about it this time around as i know she is actually super supportive and i do genuinely like her so i know im gonna be loosing someone i donāt want to loose? if that even makes any sense?
thank you for taking the time to read what i wrote and also reply, i appreciate it a lot ellaš«¶š»
Itās completely natural to feel sad about losing a supportive person like your former social worker or counsellor. Losing those positive connections when theyāve helped you feel heard and validated can feel like a huge loss, and itās okay to feel scared about it. Maybe as you work through these sessions, you could talk to your counsellor about strategies to cope with these transitions. It sounds like you have a lot of insight into your own needs, and sometimes just having that honest conversation with her might help ease some of the worry.
I just wanted to let you know that I made a small edit within your original post to remove the section about the counsellor on your student helpline as this discussed a specific method. This is just to keep language on the boards safe and within our guidelines.
I know itās hard when there arenāt many support options available, especially with the restrictions youāre facing in Northern Ireland. It seems like youāve been so resilient, reaching out again and again despite the setbacks. Sometimes itās helpful to write down a list of small things that have helped or felt comforting in moments when things feel particularly heavy. Do you have any routines or activities, however small, that bring a sense of calm or grounding? Talking about those small moments might be another way to find some additional support or relief in between counselling sessions.
I've popped some Northern Ireland specific support services that I've found below which you might like to look into:
Turn2Me is a safe, anonymous, and confidential space for you to gain support for your mental health online. You can find out more here: https://turn2me.ie/
PIPS provides crisis intervention, support for people affected by suicide, and counselling services in Belfast and other areas in NI. You can find out more here: https://pipscharity.com/
Zest specialises in support for people dealing with self-harm, suicidal thoughts, and other emotional pain. You can find out more here: https://www.zestni.org/
AWARE offers support for people with depression, bipolar disorder, and mood disorders. They provide in-person and online support groups, education, and information. You can find out more here: https://aware-ni.org/
Inspire Wellbeing provides a range of mental health services, including counselling and support groups for individuals, workplaces, and communities. You can find out more here: https://www.inspirewellbeing.org/our-services/mental-health-and-addiction/
MindWise supports people with mental health challenges and provides community-based programs, advocacy, and supported housing. You can find out more here: https://www.mindwisenv.org/
Remember, Shannon, that your feelings are completely valid. You deserve support, and none of this is your fault. Thank you again for being so open here - it takes real courage to share so honestly. We're here to talk whenever you need. Sending lots of hugs.
You have been really brave in sharing this with us. As you rightly highlighted, you are allowed to feel this way. Your feelings and experiences are valid. Is there anything, in particular, which might help with accessing support at the moment?
I am also hearing how difficult this is with living outside of the parameters of services recommended. We are here with you
it really has been so difficult because support has been SO inconsistent sadly. this last few days has really made me feel like i do have to prove that i need support in some way because clearly im not bad enough yet for support as if i was then cmht wouldnāt have discharged me.
iām so sorry i didnāt even think about that - when i wrote it i was in a really bad headspace because everything was just spiralling by the minute more or less so i really do apologise for thatš©·
in terms of things that help me feel better, donāt laugh at me for this lol but taking my cat for a walk (promise he enjoys it too) helps so much, just me and my cat in the middle of the countryside = perfection!!! other than that though nothing really helps a lot:(
thank you for the list of places available in NI but iāve already tried all that youāve listed over the years - i feel like i donāt have anywhere because ive literally tried so so many places.
thank you so much for taking time to read what i wrote and reply to me, i really appreciate that a lot gemmaš«¶š»
thatās how it has always been, the helpful people always leave, and i 100% get people move on n everything but im still gonna be sad of course.
i donāt even know how to go about accessing support anymore? i genuinely have tried everywhere i can find that is accessible from northern ireland as a 20 year old girl - i am also quite restricted again because so many things are specifically for either the belfast health and social care trust or south eastern health and social care trust, so i cant access them.
i spent MONTHS back n forth to doctors, 9 whole months of it, they referred me to cmht, cmht refused the referral and repeat. now cmht have discharged me which im glad about in terms of never seeing that social worker again (the one who called me an attention seeker etc) im also annoyed because it was all i had, at least it was something?
i just feel like if i was to go back to the doctors i would just be annoying them and wasting their time, but i also do need support and its really unfair just abandoning me and leaving me with no support.
i really need support but i donāt know how to get any. i feel like i need to do something bad to like prove i need support, maybe theyād listen to me then? but i dont want it to have to come to that either. i promise i am safe btw i have no plans to harm myself or anything, i am am safe!!
thank you so much for taking the time to read what i wrote and reply to me, i appreciate it lauraš«¶š»
You don't deserve to be called 'attention seeker' etc - you clearly need (and deserve) support. However, I can recognise that whilst this is not good practice, you felt you at least had access to a contact for support.
You won't be annoying and wasting doctor's time by going back to them. Though, even if you were, they are there to make sure you have the treatment and support you need and deserve! Do you know what sort of support you would ask them for if you were to go back to them?
You deserve to feel listened to, without something bad happening first to prove you need help. Saying and recognising (very bravely) you need support should be more than enough for them to listen and want to help!
Really glad to hear you are safe. Please feel free to keep talking to us about how this is going for you - we are all here with you and want the best for you
i honestly donāt know what support i would like - the only things i found helpful has been the counsellor iāve had / now working with again with the mix (she still remains my only ever positive experience of counselling, ive had MANY counsellors) and the social worker i first had i miss her so so much.
i donāt know if this counts? though i done a residential back in 2021 with a youth organisation and honestly it was the best experience ever, i then done another one with them again back in june this year and it was so so good. the one i done this year, i didnāt think i was even going to get to go because of how much i was struggling, police were getting involved a lot still and i was close to being put on section 136s many times. i then did get to go and the youth workers there were the most supportive people EVER. one of them sat with me on the first night outside on the ground just listening to everything i had to say - i still remember that whole conversation. i had support around me 24/7 from the youth workers, and everyone on the residential also was so so lovely too, it was honestly the best experience ever. i felt okay and safe with my thoughts even when they were bad because i knew the youth workers were there if i needed. since coming home from that i really spiralled as i expected though:(
i feel like i canāt go back to doctors as im just annoying and donāt even deserve support but i also canāt keep doing this anymore either. i donāt know what i would ask for and i REALLY struggle to communicate in that type of situation so canāt even get across how much im struggling? i hate myself so so much for it. i just wish i had someone who could maybe speak for me like a person i can feel less stressed about talking with?
i did contact an advocacy service and the person basically told me to do counselling with them and then yeah i never heard from her again. they then stopped running their advocacy service last month. i donāt even know where to start with looking for that type of support either (specifically in northern ireland living in the northern health and social care trust area).
thank you so much for taking the time to read what i wrote and replying, i appreciate it lauraš«¶š»
I will keep saying you deserve support but I know that, unfortunately, doesn't make you feel like it is deserved! If a friend was struggling, would you say they didn't deserve it? I think you'd be convincing them they are worth it! I hope you can be kind to yourself and convince yourself you deserve it.
Is there anyone you feel safer talking to? I am hearing how important they may be to include in your appointments. Could you talk to us / your counsellor about drafting some points to include in your appointment - would it be helpful if you could take notes with you?
In terms of self-advocacy in Northern Ireland, I have found a few resources which might be able to help:
Advocacy for All
Disability Action Northern Ireland - Advocacy Service
Irish Advocacy Network
How do these sound? Are they resources you have already tried? It sounds really disappointing that a service you contacted has had to close their advocacy service. Hopefully, there are still advocacy services available for you - either national or specific to Northern Ireland
no matter what anyone says, iāll never believe that i deserve support. i feel like itās different for me compared to others, like other people do deserve support but not me. i volunteer with shout so spend a lot of time telling people they deserve support n everything and anytime anyone tells me anything in terms of friends etc, iāll ALWAYS tell them to reach out n they deserve support etc. with me itās different though, i donāt.
the only people i really feel safe talking to is those youth workers from the residential but i just feel like im really annoying (and i have convinced myself that they hate me). i also found the student wellbeing officer really supportive too, but i donāt have another appointment with her until 26th november which is so long away and i donāt want to email her between now and then as i just feel really annoying. i am also terrified of speaking to people about how i feel in case it ends with police being involved, as if it gets to that stage i genuinely will be homeless. my mum said sheāll leave me with nowhere to live if that happens again:( as much as i do feel like the counsellor is really supportive and does actually listen to me rather than dismiss and invalidate me, i did struggle a lot to convince her i would be safe after sessions earlier this year so i am a bit anxious of telling her too much in case she has to tell someone.
i totally get duty of care (i just wrote an essay on it for college lol) and i know that when im volunteering with shout im straight away flagging convos if thereās any concern or if one of the children in the primary school i volunteer at told me something i would tell someone if i had any concern about them, or even with friends too i would tell someone (and have had to in the past to keep them safe). i do understand that use all have to tell someone but it still scares me purely because of my mums reaction.
i have tried taking notes to appointments with me but sometimes theyāve made an issue out of it. other times itās just ended in things like a mental state assessment. that scares me so much about opening up again. i hate myself so so much.
i promise im safe - thank you so much for taking the time to listen to me and reply i appreciate it lauraš«¶š»
pfp kindly made by the beautiful chloe ā¤ļø
iām feeling a little better today after a little bit of a rant with a youth worker lol i also managed to get a lot of college work done today too so i feel good for that too!!
how are youš©·
pfp kindly made by the beautiful chloe ā¤ļø
pfp kindly made by the beautiful chloe ā¤ļø
i feel a little bit better - seeing her always just makes things just instantly feel better? idk i just feel safe or something?
always so so proud of you tooš©·
pfp kindly made by the beautiful chloe ā¤ļø
i just feel like i really annoy everybody, especially in the past 6 months as cmht have discharged me, youth workers at another place just abandoned me (in the middle of the programme) and another youth worker at another place sent me an absolute essay of a text telling me everythingās my fault and how i never take responsibility for anything etc - she met me ONCE, she knew nothing about me as i told her nothing because she was horrible. as well as that, i also lost my old social worker who i loooved (she got a new job) and a student nurse who was on placement just at cmht and my old social worker got her to attend appointments at another place with me as i was so scared to go alone (her placement came to an end). iāve just really lost everyone. the counsellor i currently have at the mix, i loose her in 7 weeks time (she is super supportive, ive done sessions with her before and loosing her was SO hard). i have been seeing a wellbeing officer at college, itās meant to be just a one of appointment but iāll have had 3 by the end of next month so iām gonna be loosing her too which i am terrified for. then the youth workers from the youth start qualification im doing at the moment too, im gonna loose them eventually too which i am so scared for because literally just being in that building makes me feel okay and safe? that sounds so silly but itās literally my favourite place to be.
thank you so so much for reading what i wrote and replying, i appreciate it amyš©·