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How do you make friends??? (At uni or just in general)
AnonymousToe
Posts: 2,380 Boards Champion
So, I’m starting uni in September and I have a feeling I’m gonna be incredibly lonely. I haven’t had a friend since before covid and I have no idea how to talk to people my own age anymore. People grew up so much and it was scary lol. I dont know how to make friends and I’m so scared I’ll be all alone for the rest of my life. What do I do??? I’m autistic, so I’m totally clueless 😭 There’s this like autism group thing at uni so maybe I can meet people there but I feel like nobody will want to talk to me. Plus, another problem, I can’t really talk to people. How am I supposed to make friends if I can’t talk?? Will people judge me for it? Like hypothetically if you met someone who barely spoke and mostly communicated over text, would you be ok with that? Is that stupid?? I feel like there have got to be other people like me who are scared of everyone 😂 but those people might struggle to talk to me too.
Another thing, I was bullied in primary school, and that experience taught me to hide everything about myself and just pretend to be like everyone else. Do I need to do that at uni?? Because it’s kind of impossible to be true friends with someone when you’re literally a fake person with them. It’s exhausting too. I dont know if that sounds horrible, but I just mean I pretend to be interested in the same things they are, so they’ll accept me.
I’ve never had a close friend irl and I have no idea what to do. What do I say to people?
“Hi, I’m ___, what’s your name?”
Then what?? Do I invite them to… do something? What about the next time I see them? I dont know how conversations work. Does anyone know? Am I just stupid? I’m just scared nobody’s gonna like me and that they’ll all give up trying to talk to me, like what happened at school.
Another thing, I was bullied in primary school, and that experience taught me to hide everything about myself and just pretend to be like everyone else. Do I need to do that at uni?? Because it’s kind of impossible to be true friends with someone when you’re literally a fake person with them. It’s exhausting too. I dont know if that sounds horrible, but I just mean I pretend to be interested in the same things they are, so they’ll accept me.
I’ve never had a close friend irl and I have no idea what to do. What do I say to people?
“Hi, I’m ___, what’s your name?”
Then what?? Do I invite them to… do something? What about the next time I see them? I dont know how conversations work. Does anyone know? Am I just stupid? I’m just scared nobody’s gonna like me and that they’ll all give up trying to talk to me, like what happened at school.
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But seriously. If your uni is anything like mine, then you have to realise as soon as possible that people there are actually much nicer and willing to talk than it may seem, it took me over two years to realise, that so if theres one thing I wish I knew sooner it would be this!
If the autism group is also anything like mine, then it will be your best friend through uni! (Also wished I joined sooner lol). I didn't talk during the meetings, and a few other people didn't too. I mostly talked on their discord server and I felt very accepted anyway. The autistic community will understand whatever you're struggling with, whether its how to prepare for a presentation, or just what to make for breakfast haha. So I can't recommend joining enough, and remember theres no pressure for you to do anything or contribute in any way.
About making friends... yea I'm not an expert I'm sorry
Oh and btw, you will have some people leaving you sooner or later, its unavoidable. But that doesn't mean you're 'weird' or not 'worth it', it just means there's not really a connection between you two, and you should accept that and move on, NOT give up!
One last thing. I kind of relate to this, but its best to try not to please others in this way, it makes it worse for everyone. Be true about who you are and if someone doesnt accept that its their problem, and they're probably not a good friend to have anyway. But its hard to do I know, so if you end up doing this from time to time to make certain situations easier to handle then that's ok. Just try your best not to. Just be yourself as they say
Take care and always remember we're here for you!
As for the autism group, whilst I can't speak on personal experience, it does sound like something that could help you. and as scary as it may feel, theres no harm in trying out attending to see what it's like. It could be that you meet a future best friend in there or somewhere else in university.
I feel like university has probably been, in my experience, the place with the most range of different people with different interests and things - in other words I feel like there are people for everyone.
I'm sure you'll do great at university when you start in September and I hope you settle in quicker than you expect and just enjoy the experience.
I'm almost 30 now but, if it helps, the best way I've found to make friends as an adult is to spend time around people wherever you can. I think sometimes there's a misconception that what you say or how you behave is what decides whether you make friends, but in my experience it's overwhelmingly just the amount of exposure you have to other people.
That might be cooking when you know someone else will be in the kitchen, working in a shared space - you don't even need to speak to anyone at first. You could have your headphones on the whole time and then build up to more social interactions once they feel familiar to you.
Over time people get more comfy with each other and conversations come out more naturally, and then you can build connections quite organically from that point.
A bit like @JJLemon18 said with the autism group - being in a space with people but not necessarily feeling a pressure to engage, contribute or 'be' a particular person. If you give yourself plenty of opportunities to connect with people, eventually you will.
I think it's important to remember that everyone is also in the same boat as you regarding making friends, as I'm sure others are nervous. My advice would be to join some societies where you can meet a few people who have similar interests to you
I found uni to be very different from school - in that there are so so many different people from all walks of life, and people were generally much more accepting and less judgmental. The uni themselves should be pretty supportive in running different societies and events for all sorts of interests.
You've also got to remember that you have so many amazing qualities which are unique to you! And often people will gravitate towards that, without you having to pretend to be someone else. You're a great person and I'm sure there'll be people there who feel a similar way
@AnonymousToe I totally understand where you're coming from - I'm also starting uni in September. My "plan" is to join a lot of societies that I want to try out or have an interest in. This means I'll be with people who have a similar interest to me so it gives a starting point for conversations. My university for example has a baking society, a film society and a psychology society (along with many others). I'm planning on joining these ones but I would probably say try to join/go to society events at the start of the academic year because I feel it would be more difficult to join mid year from a confidence standpoint. If there's a society for the subject you're studying I'd definitely join that (e.g. I'm going to be studying psychology so I'm joining that one to get to know my peers).
Some universities also have facebook groups or groupchats on Whatsapp/Instagram/Snapchat for freshers/applicants. I would check on your university website first of all. I joined a freshers 2024 facebook group for my university, introduced myself and what I would be studying and then I found other groupchat etc from there. I would really recommend doing this as for me the people doing my course that are freshers have arranged to meet up before freshers and will likely meet in freshers week to get to know each other and break the ice.
I would definitely recommend trying to be as involved as possible for freshers week as societies may have taster sessions and there usually tends to be other university events, for example my university is holding subject inductions and campus tours. If you're not sure what societies you might want to join they tend to have information on the university website and social media accounts showing the kinds of activities they may do.
I would definitely try out the autism group to see what you think of it but try not to worry that no-one will want to talk to you because I'm sure the people in the group will be more understanding than most and might even be going through or thinking similar things.
It's definitely possible to make friends. Do you ever use or have considered using communication cards? It could help you explain to others what's going on for you. If you're really nervous you could just focus on the autism group and message the people that run it and explain you're a little nervous about joining and see if there's anyway they could support you with it.
Personally I would be okay with it and understand because I've been there but I think for those that maybe don't have that awareness or understanding have a tendency to take it personally so I would watch out for that and maybe reassure people it's not them, however you don't have to explain yourself or owe anyone an explanation so it's really up to you and how you want to go about things. It's definitely not stupid at all, and you're right you're definitely not alone in this. You could maybe contact your student support and see if there is a mentoring or buddy scheme to help with this.
Firstly I'm so sorry to hear you went through that. You don't need to do that at university - the good thing about going to uni is there's a lot more people there so you're more likely to find others like you or that have similar interests to you. It doesn't sound horrible at all, I think it's really common for people to do that but unfortunately it's not talked about a lot. I would definitely say be yourself which sounds like a cliche but what I mean by that is do what feels natural for you, don't try to put on a facade too much, especially if it's exhausting and takes a lot out of you. The right people will like the real you, and I promise you will find them. It doesn't hurt to be honest like admitting to be nervous about going to new societies or starting university because a lot of people will be feeling the same way and will be able to relate.
That's definitely a great starting point. It helps to ask questions to keep a conversation going so when the person responds with their name you could ask them if they're from close-by or if they moved here for uni. You could ask how they feel about starting uni, what course they're studying, if they know what they want to do after getting a degree.
For people in your class/course you could ask what they're excited to learn about, what their timetable looks like, how they feel about the lectures/tutorials, whether they like the lecturers.
Towards the end of a class you could ask people if they have any plans after class, if they don't you could ask them if they would like to explore the campus/go to the library/go for a coffee (you don't have to get a coffee, it's just a phrase people use to ask to go to a cafe)/go for a drink/go for something to eat.
Succeed Socially is a pretty informative resource that you might be interested in for some help - I've added a few links from them covering some of the areas you've brought up
https://succeedsocially.com/
Meeting people and making friends: https://succeedsocially.com/articlesmakingfriends
Making friends at college/university: https://succeedsocially.com/howtomakefriendscollege
How to make conversation: https://succeedsocially.com/articlesconversation
Articles on the idea of changing socially: https://succeedsocially.com/articleschanging
Getting drained by socialising: https://succeedsocially.com/articlesdrained
Articles on not fitting into the norm: https://succeedsocially.com/articlesnotfittingin
I hope this helps and keep us updated on how it goes
You’ve definitely made the whole autism group thing sound less scary.
^ also thanks for this, I kind of gave up when that happened to me at school.
yeah sometimes I forget that other people will feel similarly. I get really intimidated by people lol
It’s a relief to hear you found people more accepting at uni because I really need that lol.
My first few months I found it hard , I didn’t really know what to do or how to make friends and then I discovered the Neurodiverse society and the LGBTQ society. That’s where I found my people and that’s what helped me get through my Uni.
Maybe have alook at what societies your uni has before freshers fair - your be suprised on that’s there is literally one for everything … ours even had a Taylor swift society 😂
Omg same! xD
So does ours! Must be really popular hahah
I found that most people were also nervous and wanting to make friends so it was easier to start conversations because everyone was just trying to find people to talk to. I'm sure by the end of the first week you will be sick of people asking you 'what course are you doing?' 'Where are you from?' and those sorts of questions
I'd say definitely look out for things runs by your uni or course as a way to get to know people. My course ran a quiz during freshers week and that was a great way to start to meet people and gave us all a starting point to talk about! And i agree with everyone else about joining societies as those are great for finding people with the same interests!
Good luck for September!
^ that sounds like a good idea - something I’ve heard a lot of students recommend at open days etc is to join societies as a way to meet people. It doesn’t really sound like the thing for me lol but I’ll definitely join my subject society and at least something else as well.
I don’t think my uni has anything like that yet unfortunately but I think they plan to open up something on unibuddy after results day. I feel like I’d be left out before I even started if I didn’t join in with that so I need to look into it.
I’ve never used communication cards. They do sound like they’d be useful but I’d be worried about what kind of reaction they’d get. I think I’ll attempt to use some but i dont know if I’ll have the courage lol
That’s a good point actually. I didn’t realise people might take it personally if I can’t speak to them.
There is actually a buddy scheme that I should have access to. I don’t know the details of it yet but that is something that will hopefully help. I just worry that another student would have no idea how to help me lol I’m so complicated.
Thank you so much for all those tips!! ^ 😂 I definitely needed the clarification there, thank you so much.
I never know how to start / continue conversations or initiate spending more time with someone so I really appreciate all that. Thank you so much for the links as well, i dont know where you find all these resources! You’re a great help to me. I hope you’re doing okay
The other students on my course were lovely and quite accepting of differences, even though we were mostly the same age and hadn't long finished high school. In the first week, someone on my course invited me to a student night out drinking, but I didn't go. I was worried in case I ruined my chances at friendship, but it didn't. On my course there were a few others that also didn't like to go out drinking, and we all became friends.
I was known for certain interests but at the same time, I did feel that I had to try and like the same things as my friends. It works on a surface level- you get along, have something similar to talk about etc., but as you've realised, it's not very authentic or sustainable. Since graduating a few years ago, I've kept in touch with my friends from university. I've dropped some interests that weren't me (that I was only doing to keep up with a friend), but I have rediscovered interests that are me. And as a result of this, I've realised that I share similar interests with another friend from university. So the friendship I have now is a bit more authentic than when I was actually at university.
I guess it's having a balance of thinking up ways to make friends and being interested in them, as well as allowing yourself to be you and not solely doing things just for others.
Best of luck