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I'm a complete mess

JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,876 Extreme Poster
I'm fucked. Thats about as much as needs be said. But because this is me, I will ramble on and on about why I'm fucked. Because I just feel the need for a vent/rant/ramble, all of those.

And if you came here to give some sympathy or something, then I'm sorry I don't want it, I don't deserve it.

I started to hate myself a lot again, I feel like a terrible person in every single way possible. Just horrible through and through. I've ran out of good things I can think about myself.
I'm so ungrateful. I'm so selfish. I'm so jealous of other people. Why? I know its bad but I just can't help it. It hurts so much to feel this way.

I wanted to change, I was already changing for the better! But no, as usual I had to mess it all up... I've gone back to my old habits. Shutting myself completely from the world again, just as I used to all these year. I don't want to live like this, I can't live like this. Then why do I continue to do it?? Why dont I have the energy and the will to change? How far deeper do I have to fall to start climbing up?? I'm scared. I'm so so scared...

I get so much great advice that I'm incredibly glad for! All this advice I failed to get all these years. But I just don't listen. All I keep doing is ignoring everyone and continuing to complain about how shit my life is. I'm the one making it so bad, nobody else!

I've not had anything traumatic happen to me, but I act like I did. I have gaps in my memory, severe anxiety, depression and probably a million mental health disorders that I still havent gotten diagnosed. Or I'm just neglecting the idea that something really bad may have happened in my life. But I just don't believe it, I'd know about it. This may sound real dumb, especially to people who suffered some serious trauma. But I kinda wish I had something traumatic happen to me in my past, at least then I'd know why I'm the way I am. I'd know what I need to fix and work on. I'd have something to blame. Now all I can blame is myself...

I think so incredibly slow, and I find everything incredibly hard to understand. I'm so weak, both physically and mentally. I know that what is happening to me isnt even much, but it feels like too much to handle. Everything is just shit. (Sorry for my language btw. I don't usually swear. In fact, irl I don't swear at all! I can't find the right words, I'm just so annoyed and disappointed in everything that I just can't care less anymore)

I don't know what I want. I don't know what I'm looking for. I don't know why I don't know. I wish I was different. I wish I could go back in time. I wish I didn't wish for things that are impossible...
Believe in me - who believes is you
Amy22lunarcat522JustVsputnikKatie12Alwayshope2daySalix_alba_2019

Comments

  • catherines03catherines03 Posts: 29 Boards Initiate
    Hi there,

    I know you said you didn't want sympathy, but I want to say anyway that you don't deserve any of the tough things you're going through at the moment. It's incredibly difficult to be in a position where you know you need to change but making those steps feel so impossible. But saying that, it's important to know that this isn't your fault! Life can be tough and our mental health takes knocks no matter how 'bad' you think your situation is.

    You've probably heard it a million times before, but I'd recommend picking something really small to work on and giving yourself a small reward afterwards. For example, if you want to create healthier habits, start with something like reading one page of a book every day, you'll be surprised how quickly small positive changes add up!

    If you can, talk to someone you trust about how you're feeling- it can be so hard to open up but it's 100x easier than carrying everyone on your own.

    If you'd prefer to talk to someone outside your personal life, The Mix has a helpline and a page where you can apply for counselling services. - click on the get support tab at the top of the homepage.

    It'll get better, hang in there!
    lunarcat522Alwayshope2dayJJLemon18
  • JustVJustV Community Manager Posts: 5,204 Part of The Furniture
    edited September 2023
    As someone who's been round the block a few times with mental health, it's never your fault @JJLemon18. If there are things you want to do or know you should do, but you're not doing them, there will be a reason for that. It isn't that you're rubbish or lazy, becuase that's not a real thing - nobody just 'is' that way and that's that. There's always a reason.

    I don't think the problem is your 'will' to change JJ - you clearly want your life to improve. That's evident just from this post. If you feel like you're running up against an invisible wall, that wall is probably real but you can't identify it or describe it in the right way.

    Executive dysfunction is a real thing too - when you want to do something and you just can't. For some people, that's caused by mental unwellness, sometimes it's a health condition, neurodivergence, etc. Not being able to do things isn't a reflection of your moral character or how hard you're trying - it's a legitimate thing recognised by psychiatrists.

    I dunno if you've watched Euphoria, but there's a character who talks about having a bladder infection because she's too depressed to get up and go to the toilet. That will sound a bit crazy to some people but that's an example of executive dysfunction.
    JJLemon18 wrote:
    But I just don't believe it, I'd know about it.
    This is a common misconception by the way. Lots of people discover they have trauma later in life. It can be hard to identify either when you're younger or without the right tools/support.
    JJLemon18 wrote:
    This may sound real dumb, especially to people who suffered some serious trauma. But I kinda wish I had something traumatic happen to me in my past, at least then I'd know why I'm the way I am.
    Also, bro this is SUPER common. When your life isn't going well and you don't know why, it's normal to want a justification for it. It doesn't mean you actually want to be traumatised - it just means that having a justification for how you feel would mean a lot to you.

    Me and my friends have even said grim things like "if someone died it would be a relief" because it gives you permission to stop, be sad, and you don't need to feel guilty or apologise for it.

    You may be fucked right now, and scared. That's valid and not your fault :)
    All behaviour is a need trying to be met.
    Amy22JJLemon18
  • sputniksputnik Posts: 81 Budding Regular
    edited September 2023
    Hi @JJLemon18 , I'm sorry to hear you're struggling <3 I'm feeling something of a mess myself so I can't think of much to say at the moment, but I wanted to share this quote with you by Pema Chödrön:

    “Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing. We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.”

    Maybe we can let ourselves be complete messes right now. Sometimes the acceptance of what we feel in the moment is what helps us feel different, after a little while.
    I know you fought hard as hell

    but let this sink in

    you do not have to fight by yourself


    ~ lyrics from Willow by The Little Unsaid
    lunarcat522JJLemon18
  • Terry8936Terry8936 Posts: 271 The Mix Regular
    @JJLemon18 I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling this way, but I'm glad you reached out to vent and share your feelings. It's important to remember that you're not alone in experiencing these emotions, and there are people who care and want to help. While you mentioned not wanting sympathy, I still want to express my concern for your well-being.

    It's completely normal to have moments of self-doubt and frustration, but it's also important to seek support when you're struggling with these feelings. You don't have to go through this alone, and there are ways to work through these challenges.

    Here are a few things to consider:
    1. Self-Compassion: Try to be kinder to yourself. It's okay to have setbacks and difficulties in life. Remember that self-improvement is a journey, and it's okay to take small steps toward change.
    2. Professional Help: If you're dealing with severe anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues, it's essential to consider seeking help from a mental health professional. They can provide guidance, therapy, and support tailored to your specific needs.
    3. Support Network: Lean on your support network. Talk to friends, family, or someone you trust about what you're going through. Sharing your feelings can be a relief and help you feel less isolated.
    4. Focus on Small Goals: When you feel overwhelmed, try breaking down your goals into smaller, more manageable tasks. This can make it easier to make progress and build confidence.
    5. Mindfulness and Breathing: Consider mindfulness exercises and deep breathing techniques to help manage anxiety and stay in the present moment.
    6. Remember, You're Not Alone: Many people struggle with self-esteem, self-doubt, and uncertainty about their past. You don't need a specific traumatic event to seek help and work on self-improvement.
    7. Patience: Change takes time, and it's normal to have setbacks. Be patient with yourself, and acknowledge your efforts and progress, no matter how small they may seem.

    You don't have to face this alone, and there are people and resources available to support you on your journey to feeling better. If you're comfortable, reaching out to a mental health professional can be an important step in understanding and addressing the challenges you're facing. Your well-being is essential, and there is hope for a brighter future.
    FAQ | How to report a post | How to report spam
    I'm a community moderator. I'm here to help guide discussions and make sure Community Guidelines are followed. I can't send DMs, but you can message @TheMix or email [email protected] with questions or concerns.
    JJLemon18
  • JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,876 Extreme Poster
    Hey, thank you guys so so much for the replies, I genuinely genuinely appreciate it. I'm sorry for not replying, I'm just not in a good enough frame of mind for that right now. I'm having a lot of trouble concentrating on and understanding what I'm reading. And writing is even worse. I just want to reread everything again and reply properly once I feel more like myself.

    I'm here though because I just feel the need to vent a little more.

    I feel lost, confused. Everything is so hard to get my head around. I'm thinking super slow and I keep forgetting everything, I literally can't remember what I was talking about in my last counselling session, it makes me wonder why I even still go to them. Nothing makes sense to me. I feel like I'm incapable of fixing my own problems, and I need someone else to fix them for me. But that just sounds selfish. I'm a horrible person, a horrible friend, a horrible son, horrible brother. I don't know if it's all my fault. Everyone tells me it isn't, but I know I'm doing all of this to myself. So who's fault is it? If I rob someone would you all still say it's not my fault? There are clearly so many bad people in this world, then why am I not one of them? Why can't I just be a horrible person who is attention seeking and too 'lazy' to do anything? Why am I allowed to be this way? Why am I different?

    Anyways. I'm basically a human wreck. Everything is bad, my mental health as well as (if not more) my physical health. I'm genuinely starting to feel unfixable again. I've got some nice encouraging words today (yes I remembered them) which made me believe that good days will come. But I've felt that way for 20 years and I still don't see no change, not anymore at least. I'm scared, terrified and feeling dreadful. I don't see myself living a good life in the future. The smoke is all thats left from my extinguished candle of hope. But its there, I can see it and its still keeping me going from day to day. But every day now has started to blend into one. I can no longer tell apart sunrise from sunset, its all the same to me. Life is just eat-sleep-repeat and I don't know how to break out of this spiral that I'm in.

    I proper stopped caring. I even stopped replying here on the mix. My will is strong but my spirit is weak. I won't change if I don't change. So what am I waiting for? Why am I writing this long ass ramble and what am I expecting to get from it? I dont even know anymore.

    Ngl my stupid brain only recently worked out what "forums" are. Every single one of my vents and rambles that I post here appears on google... The idea of absolutely anyone reading my stuff terrifies me so incredibly much... Yet right now I just couldnt care less...

    Sorry not sorry for another long ramble. I'm surprised some people still read these. I'm not sure what I'd be without the mix, would I still be struggling in silence or would I have already solved all my problems... Anyways, I'm very grateful for this space. Okay I'll shut now. Take care yall and may the candle burn bright! ;)
    Believe in me - who believes is you
    lunarcat522Amy22
  • JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,876 Extreme Poster
    edited September 2023
    Yup, gon regret this one in the morning too lol. Didn't fall asleep yet and I'm already regretting it. I should not be allowed to post anything in the evening/night lol
    Believe in me - who believes is you
    lunarcat522Amy22
  • Alwayshope2dayAlwayshope2day Posts: 8 Confirmed not a robot
    @JJLemon18 441i4dqav2t9.jpg

    I'd say there's no place for blame on your shoulders with this. Even without past trauma, the modern world comes with a lot of uncertainties, stresses and challenges that impact on us and our wellbeing. As @JustV said, it's never your fault: Our lives are affected by a complex interplay of environmental factors that influence our wellbeing: The support we do or don't have, our relationships, our culture, the community we're in etc. Perhaps the more helpful question to ask is not whose fault is this, but "What step can I take to change my life for the better?" Complaining is an expression of dissatisfied feelings and it is 100% okay to feel that way. A mind-set that may be useful to take is: "What 1% of my life can I change today to make myself love it more?" I've used this for myself in the past at a point where I was really unhappy with my life and today each 1% has added up to give me a lot of good, heart-happy change. There's that saying, "If it's not broke, don't fix it." This makes me think "First recognising it's broke, means you CAN fix it." There's power in first recognising you're unhappy: Then you can take baby-steps, 1% changes, to enact change.

    JJLemon18 wrote:
    Then why do I continue to do it?? Why dont I have the energy and the will to change? How far deeper do I have to fall to start climbing up?

    Because you're human and in a world that is draining of energy. The fact that you want to change shows you are already starting to climb up. That's the start. Don't lose heart man. You can do it by one day at a time and one step at a time. Be kind to yoursef by allowing for mistakes and unsuccessful attempts with gentleness towards yourself. To change yourself and your life, the first person and the best person to have on your side is you! Remember, although a mess up can feel so devastating, a mess up is not messing "it all up." There's a saying I took a picture of "Change is hard at first, messy in the middle and gorgeous at the end." I think the fact that it's hard and messy shows you're doing it right- the human way. You're on the way to gorgeous. Keep going!

    One step forward, two scary steps back, three steps forward, one step back, two steps forward. It's a process that is overall inching you closer and closer to who you want to be.
    Goal-setting can be helpful for this: S.M.A.R.T targets (specific, measureable, achievable, realistic and time-bound) can give you something concrete to work with. Although sometimes I forget the "T" because out of patience with myself and self-compassion, I sometimes don't put a timer on myself! Changing all at once can feel so overwhelming, too much of a challenge, too tiring, and altogether impossible. To make a beautiful sculpture, you have to chink away gradually at a slab of rock!

    Use the disappointment and annoyance as motivation. Take the step. You'll get there.
    :)




    sputniklunarcat522Amy22JJLemon18
  • JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,876 Extreme Poster
    Alrighty, I'm back (I think). I dunno whats happening to me, I missed a counselling session I was supposed to have friday... at this rate I'll never get better.
    Also yesterday I've had a real, proper instance of dissociation, I'm fully convinced its real now lol. For like a good 20 seconds I completely forgot what was happening, I was just playing some game by myself in the living room and suddenly I completely forgot what I was doing, where I was, where my family was, and even what day/time it was. It was legit terrifying.
    Anyways! :D


    @catherines03 Hi. Thank you so much for the reply! :)

    Yes I did say I don't want any sympathy, I just don't feel like I deserve it, I did this all to myself and I feel fully to blame (okay and maybe my parents a little). As I said, if I did something bad like rob someone, would everyone here still tell me its not my fault? Btw I haven't and will never do anything bad to another person, this is just an example.
    You've probably heard it a million times before, but I'd recommend picking something really small to work on and giving yourself a small reward afterwards. For example, if you want to create healthier habits, start with something like reading one page of a book every day, you'll be surprised how quickly small positive changes add up!
    I know, I get told this a lot, but just starting this one thing is so so hard, idk why.

    Actually, I've realised that maybe I'm not actually looking for advice, I'm looking for validation. Telling me that what I'm doing is okay. I'd don't actually want to change... Or maybe I'm just extremely lazy.
    If you can, talk to someone you trust about how you're feeling- it can be so hard to open up but it's 100x easier than carrying everyone on your own.
    I am, this community. This is the only place I'm the most comfortable telling how I feel. I trust this place probably much more than I should lol. Everyone else either doesn't understand, doesn't care, or I can't afford.

    I might check out the mix's counselling at some point. I'll be having an initial appointment with some mental health professionals in a few days so I'll wait until I have that first. (If I don't fucking forget about it lol)


    @JustV Oh no, when you reply to a post you know its serious :lol: I'm kidding haha. I really appreciate it!
    JustV wrote: »
    I don't think the problem is your 'will' to change JJ - you clearly want your life to improve. That's evident just from this post. If you feel like you're running up against an invisible wall, that wall is probably real but you can't identify it or describe it in the right way.
    For some reason my brain is built to invalidate everything that people say to me lol, but yes this makes a lot of sense.
    JustV wrote: »
    I dunno if you've watched Euphoria, but there's a character who talks about having a bladder infection because she's too depressed to get up and go to the toilet. That will sound a bit crazy to some people but that's an example of executive dysfunction.
    No I haven't watched it. But this hits way too close to home. If thats what 'executive dysfunction' is, then its basically my life in a nutshell. I'd go as for to say its like self-harm but not actively harming yourself. Its basically kind of like self-neglect to the point of causing self-harm. If that makes any sense?
    JustV wrote: »
    JJLemon18 wrote:
    But I just don't believe it, I'd know about it.
    This is a common misconception by the way. Lots of people discover they have trauma later in life. It can be hard to identify either when you're younger or without the right tools/support.
    I've heard that before too. I still don't believe it xD
    JustV wrote: »
    JJLemon18 wrote:
    This may sound real dumb, especially to people who suffered some serious trauma. But I kinda wish I had something traumatic happen to me in my past, at least then I'd know why I'm the way I am.
    Also, bro this is SUPER common. When your life isn't going well and you don't know why, it's normal to want a justification for it. It doesn't mean you actually want to be traumatised - it just means that having a justification for how you feel would mean a lot to you.
    Exactly! Glad I'm not the only one thinking this. I kinda feel horrible about myself cause I know people suffering from trauma might read this and think "wtf, no you don't want to be traumatised!". But yea, its not like that. You know what I mean.


    @sputnik Sorry that you're also feeling something of a mess. Thank you for sharing the quote, its so so true! Maybe true happiness is just the acceptance of the fact that we can never be 100% happy, 100% content, or 100% healthy. There will always be obstacles, something bad getting in the way, we just have to learn how to jump over those hurdles and carry on. Time doesn't stop for anyone, but life isn't a race.
    This quote actually means a lot, thank you :)


    @Terry8936 Thank you so much for the advice!

    You reminded me that I should probably look into mindfulness, I just have no idea how it works or where to start with it.

    Also the last one... patience. I'm like the least patient person ever. I want everything here and now. I was patient 20 years and now I regret all of this time that I wasted. Time truly is my arch-nemesis. But I know I have to work on my patience.
    Terry8936 wrote: »
    While you mentioned not wanting sympathy, I still want to express my concern for your well-being.
    Okay, now that you say it like that I think I prefer sympathy, 'concern' sounds scary haha xD


    @Alwayshope2day Thank you so much for the reply! That's a great quote in the image, glad I'm already on the middle part haha.
    Perhaps the more helpful question to ask is not whose fault is this, but "What step can I take to change my life for the better?"
    I've asked myself all the questions. I do know some of the steps I need to take, I just choose not to, for whatever reason. Like I know I need to start exercising, go for regular walks at least, but I don't do it, I don't know why its so hard. Maybe because I haven't really done it before, I'm scared of something new, I'm scared of change. I know that once I'll take the first step, the rest will come naturally. (Okay now that I reread this, maybe I'm still on the first part of the quote)

    I'm not sure what else to add. Thank you for all the advice :)


    Again. Thank you all so so much for all the nice words, all the encouragement and advice. I really really appreciate it! Sending the biggest hugs <3
    Believe in me - who believes is you
    sputnikJustV
  • lunarcat522lunarcat522 Posts: 322 The Mix Regular
    JJLemon18 wrote: »
    Also yesterday I've had a real, proper instance of dissociation, I'm fully convinced its real now lol. For like a good 20 seconds I completely forgot what was happening, I was just playing some game by myself in the living room and suddenly I completely forgot what I was doing, where I was, where my family was, and even what day/time it was. It was legit terrifying.

    Dissociation is really difficult to experience, possibly coming out of it even more so. I'm not sure whether it's a comfort to you but it's something that I also struggle with quite badly, so you're not alone in it!
    JJLemon18 wrote: »
    Actually, I've realised that maybe I'm not actually looking for advice, I'm looking for validation. Telling me that what I'm doing is okay. I'd don't actually want to change... Or maybe I'm just extremely lazy.

    I obviously don't know your full situation but it's great that you've identified that as it gives you something to think about and work on. It can be very hard work pulling yourself out of resisting change and getting better. It's easier said than done because I've been there but be kind to yourself, or at least give yourself time.
    JJLemon18 wrote: »
    This is the only place I'm the most comfortable telling how I feel. I trust this place probably much more than I should lol. Everyone else either doesn't understand, doesn't care, or I can't afford.

    That's okay! It's a start and you can always come here, no matter what you're feeling - there's a whole community of people here to support you through whatever you're going through.
    JJLemon18 wrote: »
    I might check out the mix's counselling at some point. I'll be having an initial appointment with some mental health professionals in a few days so I'll wait until I have that first.

    Good luck with your initial appointment! Hope it goes okay. I think it would be a good idea to look at the Mix counselling, even just to find out more about it.
    JJLemon18 wrote:
    Exactly! Glad I'm not the only one thinking this. I kinda feel horrible about myself cause I know people suffering from trauma might read this and think "wtf, no you don't want to be traumatised!". But yea, its not like that. You know what I mean.

    I completely get what you mean as I often thought like this when I didn't realise I did, in fact have trauma. I think in my case it was that I wanted to be seen, heard and validated from others for a "legitimate" reason that would make it understandable as to why I was so distressed. I believed that it would be much easier to have an explanation for why I was feeling how I was, rather than nothing to attribute it to. Not sure if this is the case for you?

    JJLemon18
  • JustVJustV Community Manager Posts: 5,204 Part of The Furniture
    edited September 2023
    JJLemon18 wrote:
    No I haven't watched it. But this hits way too close to home. If thats what 'executive dysfunction' is, then its basically my life in a nutshell. I'd go as for to say its like self-harm but not actively harming yourself. Its basically kind of like self-neglect to the point of causing self-harm. If that makes any sense?
    'Self-neglect' is a good way to put it - like an inability to 'do' life because you lack the things you need to function and get things done. That often looks like a kind of self-harm or self-neglect, because you stop looking after yourself and keeping your life in order.

    For some people, when their tank is empty, they might lose a couple of friendships because they're not maintaining them, or they might underperform at work, etc. But if you roll that back far enough, eventually it can affect really essential things like eating and showering - things that other people seemingly don't need to try to do - they just do them. It can have really adverse effects.

    There can be a lot underneath executive dysfunction and it's more of a symptom than a root problem, but I'm glad it connected with you. :) It connected with me when I found out about it too, because I spent a lot of my own life not functioning properly and not understanding why!
    All behaviour is a need trying to be met.
    JJLemon18
  • JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,876 Extreme Poster
    Hi @lunarcat522 I'm sorry to hear dissociation is also something you struggle with. It feels strange every time people say they relate to me, cause it feels comforting to know I'm not alone, yet at the same time it makes me so sad to know that others have to experience the same stuff as me.
    That's okay! It's a start and you can always come here, no matter what you're feeling - there's a whole community of people here to support you through whatever you're going through.
    Thank you :)

    I've had the initial appointment two days ago and it went surprisingly great. I went out of it feeling better about myself knowing that I'm finally taking some steps to change. Although thats exactly the same way I felt half a year ago when I had my counselling sessions at uni...
    I completely get what you mean as I often thought like this when I didn't realise I did, in fact have trauma. I think in my case it was that I wanted to be seen, heard and validated from others for a "legitimate" reason that would make it understandable as to why I was so distressed. I believed that it would be much easier to have an explanation for why I was feeling how I was, rather than nothing to attribute it to. Not sure if this is the case for you?
    Yea I feel that way. I think for me, theres not one 'big' traumatic event that made me the way I am, but rather many many small events that I'd look back to and think to myself "thats not a big deal". But when everything is put together though all these years, it just rewired my brain to think differently, the way one big traumatic even might do.
    I know I've had a lot of problems and stuff happen to me in primary school, and coincidentally I can't remember my time in primary school at all, hmm... But I don't get how it can still affect me to this day even though I can't even remember it! Like how do I accept something that I don't even know happened??

    Sending hugs <3


    @JustV Yea wow, thats about spot on!
    JustV wrote: »
    things that other people seemingly don't need to try to do - they just do them.
    This is something I'd like to point out. This is exactly the way I always looked at others. Every time I need to do something, it takes me so much effort and courage, and I never understood how other people just get to do everything so naturally. This really is something that always made me feel like I don't fit into society.

    Thank you for sharing this :)
    Believe in me - who believes is you
    lunarcat522JustV
  • Laura_tigger82Laura_tigger82 Moderator Posts: 5,066 Part of The Furniture
    You deserve to treat yourself with that same level of kindness, respect and empathy @JJLemon18. As you say, over time, things build up but it is really positive that you have made steps to access support again. You deserve all the support you need. Often, 'forgetting things' can be how your body feels able to cope but in the back of your mind (the sub-conscious/un-conscious) that's where the memories are which is how they can still affect you. We are all here with you and for you and you don't have to be alone whilst we are around if you don't want to be <3
    FAQ | How to report a post | How to report spam
    I'm a community moderator. I'm here to help guide discussions and make sure Community Guidelines are followed. I can't send DMs, but you can message @TheMix or email [email protected] with questions or concerns.
    JJLemon18
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