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Is there anything I can do?
JJLemon18
Community Champion Posts: 2,021 Boards Champion
Hi. I am currently in another country visiting family for Easter and this will not be something I will do again any time soon. My mental health has just be constantly ringing in my head and it hurts, I keep overthinking everything and I'm struggling to enjoy myself in any way. I have ways it which to cope before my next therapist meeting (which literally feels like the last hope for me at this point) but I feel so horrible about not making the most of my time here and spending time with family (and as I said, I won't come here again anytime soon, especially for Easter). I really don't know what to do, I'll still be here for a couple days yet I already regret so much, it just feels so sad knowing I'm not making the most of my time which is so limited.
I don't know what I'm hoping for, maybe something that can make me feel better for just a few days. But I don't believe such miracle exists. I feel so lost and hopeless.
Is there anything I can do about this?
Oh also I wanted to mention that I know I'd feel so much better if only I knew I could spend time to fix my mental health and then go back in time to all the situations in my life, that my mental health has messed up for me, to experience them properly for once, but well, I know time travel isn't possible. Everything just sucks.
I don't know what I'm hoping for, maybe something that can make me feel better for just a few days. But I don't believe such miracle exists. I feel so lost and hopeless.
Is there anything I can do about this?
Oh also I wanted to mention that I know I'd feel so much better if only I knew I could spend time to fix my mental health and then go back in time to all the situations in my life, that my mental health has messed up for me, to experience them properly for once, but well, I know time travel isn't possible. Everything just sucks.
Believe in me - who believes in you
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Comments
Firstly, you're beyond right, there is nothing more frustrating than having an immense desire to be as involved and engaged with your family (especially family you don't get to see a lot) but your mental health is 'getting in the way'. It's like you're just screaming at yourself internally to 'feel better' so you can join in 'properly'. Equally, as you know this is so much easier said than done.
1) I will say, that often family simply appreciate you being there, even if you're not the chattiest or most sociable person. People can have a really good capacity to understand when a person is not feeling 'at their best' and can accommodate that.
2) Sometimes, I find it easier to be engaged (even when my mental health is dreadful) when I set one specific and very small task for myself that day. For example, it could be 'I'm going to sit and talk to my aunt about literally anything for 10 minutes in the afternoon'. This way it's specific, so there are less worries about figuring out how you'll participate and also there is less of an expectation on yourself to be the most chatty person alive.
How are you feeling at the moment now that you're at the end of the holiday? xx
Yea I understand, its probably why I enjoy being around them so much, they just respect that I'm quiet and I won't be judged for it too much. But it is more about making me feel better about it, I just want to be happy that the time I spent here was 'worth it' in a way.
That seems like a really good way to approach it. I just know that I will start overthinking the next day that I 'could have done more'. But yea, I will try that tomorrow and I won't expect too much of myself, I already have a few small things that I decided I want to do.
At the moment I have been feeling slightly better about myself which is good. Or maybe I just got used to this, I'm not sure. Thank you!
Its really difficult when you're somewhere or doing something you believe you should be enjoying while you're struggling. It can feel really lonely and frustrating. It used to make me feel like i was stood outside watching everyone else have fun through the window.
It sucks when you're struggling but you're not wasting time and this isn't your fault either. There'll be times in the future where you'll be in a better place to make memories. But right now its just about getting through the day, and you're doing amazing, you're talking to us , attending therapy. We see you , we know how hard you're trying. And we are always here for you
I'm doing meh today, have not been up to anything really. Just existing you know. I realise how much of my plans are dependant on others, my family decide pretty much everything that happens. Today they went shopping and I stayed home with nothing to do. It was my choice though.
Standing outside watching everyone else have fun without me is a great way to explain it, I tend to feel that way too often.
I'm glad that it gets better. Its nice to know I'm not alone
Sending hugs!
Well that makes a lot of sense, I reckon, like why would you want to feel like going all the way there was a waste and you spent the whole time alone in your room, I guess? I think a lot of the time, we are also burdened by an intense need to make memories with the people we love that feel worth it, so that we can cherish the time we have with them as much as possible. Even with such an understanding and loving family, it makes sense to want to find some way to be around them more and more without it seeming unnatural to you and what you want
I definitely couldn't agree more haha. Like, when we set goals for ourselves like 'make a cup of tea for grandma', it sounds great in principle, we're very happy with ourselves when we're carrying out the task and proud once it's complete. Yet, nearly immediately, there's this annoying goblin-type overthinking creature that is unrelenting with questions like "why didn't you spend more time with her?, why didn't you ask about her job? do you think she seemed angry with you?" etc.. etc... and that makes the prospect of these interactions even more nerve-wracking sometimes, because it's like our minds can never be satisfied with us just trying our best
How did it go in the end?
Also, I completely forgot to even ask this, what kinds of activities and interactions do you come away from feeling the most happy with? xx
We came back a few days ago and I feel like the entire 2 week break was all a dream, it's so hard to believe that all of it actually happened. It feels so unreal that I was in a different country a few days ago. It's so damn sad...
Yea, I spent a lot of the time in my room alone because I just didn't feel like doing anything, since whatever I tried to do I just felt so disconnected and awkward that I started to cut myself away from it all.
Exactly. I don't really know what else to say, its really nice that you understand all of this.
In the end I didn't manage to do anything I wanted that day, my family changed a lot of the plans (they never seem to know that they're going to be doing), but oh well, I can't change anything about that now.
Honestly, I don't know. Nothing has been making me feel happy anymore, I just have this constant dread of all the uni work I need to do and I need to prepare a letter for my therapist tomorrow, and so no matter what I do I just start feeling horrible like I'm wasting time. I did however get to finally playing the piano again after a long time and even though I'm horrible I did enjoy it today, which felt nice for a bit. But that still made me feel bad about myself regardless because of how bad I am at it haha. There is just nothing that will make me happy anymore
Change of plans sounds really difficult too, how do you feel when your family change their plans? We are here for you if you would like to talk more about this, your uni work or your letter.
It sounds really positive and helpful that you have been playing the piano again! Especially after a long time
I hate it when my family start changing plans out of nowhere. Its the worst when they ask me "hey, we are going to this one store, you're coming with us?" and I'll be like 'yea', but it turns out that they also decide to go 20 other places along the way... Sometimes I will hear them talking about going to place A and then to place B, I go and ask them 'where are we going then?' and they'll reply with "oh, just to A". Idk I guess this isn't something that should make me this upset lol, but it does.
1000% I think you've hit the nail on the head with that one, when we're struggling to immerse ourselves with the people around us, especially important people like family we don't see often, it can be immensely difficult to fight against the urge to lock yourself away effectively. Plus, half the time it's not even a conscious thing, a whole day will pass and we'll realise we've just been in our rooms all day. This then reinforces the pattern of fear and panic about going down and being around others because you're left feeling guilty about the day before. It's a very frustrating position to be in.
Ah, how did the letter for the therapist go in the end?
I think this is such a true point, like when the depression becomes this intense, such a critical aspect of it is that nothing is causing joy in your life anymore, and even the things you used to rely upon to perk you up a tiny bit just become part of the exhausting mess of feeling bad about yourself. Kind of like what you say about the piano, it's fantastic to get back into it after such a long time, but then you're left doubting yourself, feeling like you played in poor quality and that leaving it for a while wasn't a 'good' idea. Why must our minds make us suffer even when we are working so very hard to cope?
Are you learning to play piano then or practicing?
Yea, returning from poland always feels miserable. The only thing holding me in the uk is my education pretty much. I don't even have any good friends to come back to. Its kinda sad how to me it feels like living in the uk is just some kind of chore, and poland is my actual real life (excluding this trip). The problem being that I only get to spend only like 10% of my life in poland so its like my 'life' is passing multiple times faster. If this makes any sense.
I already talked my about the letter in a couple different threads haha. I keep referencing stuff from different threads in my posts and forgetting that people might not read them haha.
I just came back from another therapy meeting and I've wrote another letter. Both me and my therapist are happy about it because I can tell her everything I want without worrying about speaking it myself, she can understand a lot more about me basically. So I'm really happy about it.
Its funny you say "when the depression becomes this intense" because I told my mum a lot of my struggles yesterday and she was really worried yet still told me "but you know this isn't depression", and I'm just there confused like 'what else is it then?'
About the piano, if you count me teaching myself then yes I'm learning haha. It least I'm trying. Most of the time I just find some tutorial how to play some music I enjoy and I just play that over and over until I get better at it. But with how little time I'm putting into practicing then I'm not getting better anytime soon.
It sounds really positive that your letter helped your therapist to understand you more. How did you feel writing the letter? Hopefully, it helped you to express yourself too.
It is ok to use labels to explain your situation, even if others disagree. It is important that you think about what resonates the most with you and your experience.
Although, of course, depression is a clinical description. It sounds positive that you enjoy playing the piano and is something you might want to practice further
Writing the letter feels different that just talking to someone. Because when writing I have no audience, there is no one to see or hear me writing it, just me and the paper (or phone screen in my case I guess). I can peacefully explain anything I want, without hurrying or feeling anxious, and make it sound exactly like I want it to.
The worst part is the person (ie. the therapist) actually reading it. But with how foggy my mind feels right now I can barely even remember what I wrote the day before. This also applies to all my post unfortunately, I can't keep track of them anymore. I feel like writing something and I just do it.
Thank you for the reply. Take care!
Is there anything which would help you to talk to people without feeling like you can only say things and feel hurried/anxious? Regardless though, you are doing so well to express yourself in a way that feels comfortable for you - even if that is in writing. I just hope writing helps you too
No, I honestly couldn't agree more, I think that's the huge challenge of 1) having identities tied to multiple countries because you've got family in both places and can feel a much stronger connection to the one that isn't even your 'official main home' 2) wanting to be in Poland but it not being feasible right now to move permanently is very jarring for you, because then the in-between stuff in the UK feels like an overly-long gap before you can live your 'real life'. You have a very insightful way of putting things
I am totally with you on that, I am such a letters, lists and writing girly tbh, when it comes to serious things especially, you sometimes can only get your thoughts as fully fleshed-out as possible when you take a pen to paper (or your phone's notes page lol). I'm glad this is really helping your therapist to see where you're coming from.
You raise such an interesting and sad point about your mum too, like even when parents are extremely concerned and worried about our welfare and happiness, it can be near-impossible for them to use the 'serious' words of 'depression, anxiety' etc... I think this can be for a couple different reasons, the first being 1) for some parents they do not 'believe' in mental health in the same way as others, sometimes this is due to culture and religion and sometimes it's simply personal belief (for example, as Irish Catholics, some of my family think that you should just look to Jesus when struggling, which can be very frustrating to hear when you're in pain). 2) a lot of parents do not want to confront or accept the idea that their child is struggling with their mental health because it's a very scary thing to accept.
This certainly does not make it right to be invalidated obviously and makes seeking their support a bit more daunting than it should be
omg sounds brill!! Teaching yourself can be so hard but so rewarding and I reckon even with little bits of practice, you can learn your fave songs or snippets of them and that can be relaxing in and of itself, right? What bits have you learned thus-far xxx
Yea you understand, as usual.
Thank you!
Absolutely! It is pretty sad sometimes, and often when I want to tell them something I'd think to myself 'Do I say it? Will they understand? Or would it be better if I just kept it to myself?' I'm always worried they won't understand and get angry at me or something. They often say things like 'When I was your age...' which is super frustrating because it makes me feel like I'm still like 10 or something lol, with how little I've done in my life.
Yea, I don't play piano to be 'good' at it, I just do it for fun really. Which bits I've learnt? I usually play music from video games as they sound the best and have some cool melodies (and no lyrics haha), so I doubt you'd know any. My favourite ones I can play are:
- 'Battle Against A True Hero' from Undertale (my most impressive piece I can play haha)
- Main menu theme from Jedi Fallen Order (its a very niche track so here's a piano rendition of it if you're interested: https://open.spotify.com/track/1V4OX59WjKjJORQ5uTEOHq?si=9951b7146fff42fc)
- 'Dirtmouth' from Hollow Knight (plus a few others from the game)
- 'Scattered and Lost' from Celeste (My favourite game track! I can only play some of it though)
- Recently I've been learning to play the eurovision song 'Bridges' by Alika.
These are the first that come to my mind but I can also play a couple other ones.
I could post links to the youtube videos that shown me how to play these (if you or anyone is interested). It will sound much more like what I actually play rather than listening to the original. And I know you probably don't have time to listen to these but I have nothing to do so I'm just writing them all out since you asked haha.
Hope you're doing well!
@Xee Hey what are you doing here, I didn't ask for your opinion! Also I said 'maybe'.
Couldn't agree more!! Even when parents intend statements like 'when I was your age' to sound encouraging or to give you their perspective, it often doesn't fit with our experiences because 1) the world has changed, not merely in terms of material conditions (e.g., university causes a lot of debt to attend compared to years ago, housing crises etc...) but also 2) we typically view mental health differently here to years ago. So, when parents tell stories of their youth, you can often hear the same points, feelings and experiences related to depression/anxiety/other mental health needs, yet they didn't/won't use those words when reflecting, so it ends up coming across as patronising, or like you need to 'pull up your boot straps' (I hope that's the right phrase here??).
Love that! It's amazing to have hobbies that aren't totally centred around being super amazing at them because then you can sincerely enjoy different aspects of it with less pressure
My parents kinda don't believe in mental health at all (now they see how I've changed so they're slowly starting to understand it). When they saw someone struggling with a mental illness they thought its part of their personality, idk how to explain it. For example someone who has depression and no motivation to do anything would be 'just lazy' in their eyes. They have influenced my perspective on this through their behaviour but I know much better now. I'm hoping I can help people (like my parents) change the way they view these sorts of things in the future. First I have to help myself though.
Its really cool that you like it!
And yea I think hobbies should totally be focussed around your enjoyment rather than being good or impressing others (although that is often a great source of motivation). I've heard someone say some awesome words of encouragement to someone who had trouble being motivated to do stand-up. He said to just get out there and do it, no matter if people don't like it, no matter if people will make fun of you and boo you off stage. Just do it for yourself. And even if 99 out of 100 people won't laugh at your jokes there will still be this 1 who will.
And I think that's definitely a great way to approach it. I kinda appreciate when people mess up more than people who do everything perfectly because there is something relatable about it, its shows they're human and it makes you appreciate them carrying on despite their mistakes. Anyways, I'm rambling haha.
Take care!
1000% this is, I think, the most exhausting aspect of being overwhelmed by an array of emotions, people may think that it leaves you feeling emotional every minute of the day (and sometimes, I suppose, it can) yet, half of the time, the intensity of the emotions just starts to blend into one big ball so you're left with a numbness because your brain and body doesn't even know where to begin in terms of what to address first. It's kind of like a built-in coping mechanism, I reckon, to protect yourself from the potential avalanche of pain that accompanies all of these strong feelings?
Couldn't agree more! You make such a true and insightful point, I believe it's people like you, who have first-hand experience not being properly understood/believed that can have the biggest impact on people like your parents (in the future, of course focus on yourself first
What's the history behind that melody? I have seen most of the Star Wars, but not super familiar with everything that happens in them all!
I'm so with you on that, I think it's more reasonable and natural to make mistakes and errors when performing, or being creative generally, like the best painters throughout history didn't churn out their paintings in one night without having to go over any parts of it. Plus, sometimes only through our mistakes can we improve something more and more
I could try and explain why I feel like its sad. Basically when you start the game, this is the music that plays in the main menu and the background is a damaged Venator (one of the big republic ships) with an escape pod flying out. The music is relaxing and chill at first, but like half way through the game you get a scene that explains the tragic story behind this main menu background. So the next time I saw it I was like 'ahh, so that's what that it' and the music just felt less chill and more melancholic, the context gave the menu (and the music) a lot more meaning. I tried my best to explain it without too many spoilers but if you want I wouldn't mind explaining it more?
Its nice that you see it as very positive, thank you! "We don't make mistakes, just happy little accidents"
Sending big hugs
What you've said here is so similar to what we discussed on the Support Thread the other evening, especially when it comes to the point about your brain just shutting it off and not even being able to recognise yourself in the mirror. I reckon it's gotta be some type of self-preservation you know? Like when it all becomes too much that it would overwhelm you each moment of the day, your brain has to create some kind of middle ground or even a break in reality to allow you to separate yourself from even a degree of the confusing mess of emotions, right?
Obviously, even if that is the intention from our mind when making us dissociate, it doesn't take away the kind of fear and distress it can evoke, like you're left being somewhat protected from the intensity of the emotions, but it also means you can't quite 'confront' them as properly as before
In terms of Star Wars, please defo explain more if you'd like - one of my all-time fave things is when people explain the entire plots to TV shows, books, films and tell me what they thought about it - I feel like it's a fun way to connect with people, even if the plot is relatively heartbreaking, you can learn a lot about people
I absolutely get that. Though its a shame how the brain is one of the most complex things ever yet it can't think of a healthier coping mechanism haha.
Thats really cool! But I dont see 'video games' being part of that list
Would you mind if I explained it to you another time? I've been feeling extremely overwhelmed lately. Plus I'm an overthinker and somewhat perfectionist so idk if you want the story behind this specific music track or the whole game, and idk how deep I should go. I'm just strange like that haha.
In the meantime here's the original track:
https://open.spotify.com/track/4x8M3TXY44MyVhd7rxODoy?si=KVpMpiSRSNC14XbCZmFFVw