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Help me.

SienaSiena Posts: 15,414 Skive's The Limit
I’ve self harmed a lot tonight. Struggling to stop. I hate it. But my brain is telling me I deserve it cause I am a shit person and a shit Friend. I just think this life is fucked up. I’m so sad 😭
“And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
Amy22
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Comments

  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,414 Skive's The Limit
    This is my cry for help 😭😭😭😭I think I’m going to start drinking. I can’t take this feelings. What’s wrong with me. Everyone else seems fine. Like are you not in pain
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
    Amy22
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,414 Skive's The Limit
    Okay sorry that’s embarrassing soo dramatic
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
    Amy22
  • ebyrne556ebyrne556 Moderator Posts: 744 Part of The Mix Family
    Hey @Siobhan Just checking how are you doing this morning? Firstly please dont feel embarrassed im really proud of you for sharing how your feeling and your feelings are 100 percent valid. You are not alone and we are here for you.

    Im sorry to hear that you are struggling at the minute We hear what you are going through and are here if you feel you want to share some more about things. Im hearing that last night is there anything that has helped before or what sort of support would help you at the moment ?



    We are all really greatful for you in the community and you are always such a great friend and support to everyone here. Sending a lot of hugs and love your way
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  • AifeAife Community Manager Posts: 2,995 Boards Guru
    We're here with you @Siobhan <3

    I'm hearing you were in a really difficult place last night and struggling with those urges to self-harm as well as those feelings that you're not enough. It can be so hard when we're feeling this way and just wanted to echo what @ebyrne556 shared there, you are so valued, cared about and valued here and also so supportive towards others that we've seen ourselves on the community - you really are enough. Let us know how you're feeling today. We are all here for you. :)
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
    ebyrne556
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,414 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you @ebyrne556 & @Aife feel shit and this struggle to breathe won’t go away

    I will be going to walk in centre either today or tomorrow as do need medical attention but not straight away
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
    AifeAmy22
  • AifeAife Community Manager Posts: 2,995 Boards Guru
    Sending you lots of love @Siobhan, we're here for you. Do you feel comfortable sharing more with us about how you've been feeling? We're all here to listen and support you as much as we can <3

    Really brave of you to reach out for some medical support too, this is a really positive step. Keep us updated with how it goes <3
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,414 Skive's The Limit
    edited April 2023
    Thank you. Going to go back to sleep for an hour. Then going to go walk in centre/a&e (they have merged into the same thing)
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
    AifeAmy22
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,414 Skive's The Limit
    God I really can’t be bothered but yeah have to
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
    Aife
  • AifeAife Community Manager Posts: 2,995 Boards Guru
    You've got this @Siobhan I hope it all goes okay <3
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • Laura_tigger82Laura_tigger82 Moderator Posts: 5,066 Part of The Furniture
    How are you doing this weekend @Siobhan? We really are all here for you and I hope they take good care of you, the way you deserve <3
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  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,414 Skive's The Limit
    Thank guys. Just checked myself in so now waiting. Thought I might put it off but yeah forced myself. Might aswell show them my other self harm
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Laura_tigger82Laura_tigger82 Moderator Posts: 5,066 Part of The Furniture
    Please let us know how it goes @Siobhan, we are all here with you. You are doing so well reaching out to them and us for support <3
    FAQ | How to report a post | How to report spam
    I'm a community moderator. I'm here to help guide discussions and make sure Community Guidelines are followed. I can't send DMs, but you can message @TheMix or email [email protected] with questions or concerns.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,414 Skive's The Limit
    edited April 2023
    Thank you. They’re making a referral to Chelmsford which is the specialist place all the way in Essex. I know exactly how it needs dressing but they have to wait to hear back with what they say and probably need an appointment with them. But I’ve asked if they could make sure they don’t book an appointment because I just want a few honey dressings, some inadine and some silver and I will know when these will need putting on and how it heals & the other stuff they put on it that forgot what calle
    . But apparently they don’t have Honey dressing. I mean this is the walk in centre/a&e how can you not. I’m getting so tired and just want to sleep.

    And they was like you will need antibiotics just to prevent an infection. I was like no don’t worry I won’t need antibiotics. I do this all the time otherwise I’d be living off antibiotics
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Laura_tigger82Laura_tigger82 Moderator Posts: 5,066 Part of The Furniture
    Do you know when and where you might be able to access this type of dressing @Siobhan? Hopefully, soon.

    I can hear how you are mainly tired and want to sleep. Hopefully, you can rest soon but I can hear how a lack of resources might not be supporting you with this at the moment <3
    FAQ | How to report a post | How to report spam
    I'm a community moderator. I'm here to help guide discussions and make sure Community Guidelines are followed. I can't send DMs, but you can message @TheMix or email [email protected] with questions or concerns.
  • Millie2787Millie2787 Community Champion Posts: 5,141 Part of The Furniture
    Sorry to hear there refering you back to Essex, maybe you can go for one appointment and speak to them there and say you know how often you need to clean and dress etc and maybe they can give you a stock of it to do it yourself and then you go back once a month maybe for them to check the progress of the healing ?

    Honey dressings are quite specialised ones so it’s not uncommon for A&E/walk in to stock them , we often don’t have them in stock on the wards and have to order from pharmacy or speak to the tissue viability nurses about where we can get some from.
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,414 Skive's The Limit
    Thank guys. I told them not to make an appointment in Essex so they didn’t and then they was confused on why I came then. Like I do want the help but not in Essex so we agreed to atleast see gp but they aren’t the best at the type of injury. I was just like yeah it’s fine cause I know what goes on it and when. But yeah you’re right Aimee they don’t really stock up the honey. They said even the pharmacy won’t have it so had to get in contact with a pharmacy to ask them to order about 30 to last me a few days. And change every other day. But I can’t get the honey until Tuesday cause bank holiday so not sure how she got in contact with the pharmacy.


    Anyways I’m proud of myself for going and I’m glad they’re not forcing me to go to Essex and wasn’t too annoyed about it. Just kinda felt like an attention seeker tbh. As I always do this & I feel like some professional just never get it. I have caught them eye rolling after chatting about it with me but yeah just don’t judge what you don’t understand then
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
    JustVMillie2787
  • SpaceOtterSpaceOtter Community Champion Posts: 701 Part of The Mix Family
    Heya @Siobhan how are you doing today?

    We are really proud of you for reaching out and going for help. Big hugs <3
    You're awesome!
  • Amy22Amy22 Posts: 3,770 Community Veteran
    Hi @Siobhan having the urge to relapse can be very challenging and overwhelming to deal with especially with the urge is very high. It sounds like you are going through a very difficult time at the moment. We are here for you anytime, <3. Hope you are feeling okay.

    Sending hugs,

    Amy22 <3
    Just a person who likes pop culture and films
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,414 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you. I have suddenly got a lot of pain from no pain (honestly it hurt to do it) now I’m scared it’s infected but probably just the nerves rebuilding and getting exposed
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
    Amy22
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,414 Skive's The Limit
    I feel like crying but that would be pathetic considering it’s my own fault. Don’t have any paracetamol. 😭😭😭😭
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
    Amy22
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,414 Skive's The Limit
    I am in so much pain I can’t sleep & I am freaking out that I will lose mobility in the places I’ve done it
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
    Amy22
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,414 Skive's The Limit
    edited April 2023
    I think If I had paracetamol I’d be able to move properly so that shows no permanent damage, right? Also if I did have permanent damage I would of felt it before this?
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
    Amy22
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,414 Skive's The Limit
    I’m also looking at cute short sleeve tops & dresses & skirts and shorts for summer. Knowing full well my sister is going to be in shock when it arrives because of my ugly body
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
    Amy22
  • JustVJustV Community Manager Posts: 5,204 Part of The Furniture
    It's tricky for us to say anything regarding how much damage has been done to your arm @Siobhan, but I can understand the worry, especially if it's suddenly become painful. I know you said you were picking stuff up from the pharmacy tomorrow - worth checking with them maybe?

    I'm not sure how helpful this is but I also want to say this isn't your fault. I know it can be hard to shake that feeling when you've self-harmed, but try to think of self-harming as a symptom of unwellness rather than something you're willingly doing with completely free choice.

    The medical professionals didn't need to eye roll you and treat you that way. :( You deserve better and it really sucks that the NHS of all people still have those judgements. You're not an attention seeker, despite how they might have made you feel. And you know what - even if you were seeking attention - it would be because you needed it. It's a good thing to seek out attention and support when you need those things, and you certainly shouldn't be judged for it.

    How did you end up sleeping by the way? I can see you were posting late and early this morning.
    All behaviour is a need trying to be met.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,414 Skive's The Limit
    edited September 2023
    Thank you. My hand has started to swell up. And I’m pissed off because I work Sunday to Thursday. With every 4 weeks I have Sunday off and have to work the Friday. So it was my Sunday off. But they was closed so I would of been off anyway so i thought that meant I get the Monday off instead. Which my rota also says but work rang me asking if I’m okay cause I ain’t turned up. So now I have to actually go when the rota so not in. And she said I should of questioned it as always work Monday. And I tried to explain how I thought it was in replace of Sunday but apparently not. Now I’m pissed off as I am in sooo much pain

    And yeah I didn’t sleep well. My dad brought me paracetamol for my supposed headache and it’s hurting a bit less but still painful.

    My hand has now swollen up aswell. (Which I think is normal) so if I really can’t be bothered with work atleast I can be like yeah look at my hand lol
    Post edited by JustV on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
    Amy22
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,414 Skive's The Limit
    edited April 2023
    The Chelmsford hospital rang me & they want to see me too look at my injuries. Obviously the saw the photos but that’s it. They’re getting someone else to ring me as I don’t want to go but it looks like I’m going to have to

    I am in so much pain so I’m thinking it might be a good idea but i don’t know it’s just a lot of effort
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,414 Skive's The Limit
    edited April 2023
    They rang me again and I was asking if they could tell by the pictures if there is permanent damage and she said it is possible with the degree of injury but they can’t tell unless I come and that they can’t tell until it’s healed a bit more on if permanent damage. So I said okay I’ll see my gp for one week and then if still painful after a week I’ll ask to be referred and she said yeah that’s fine and I am open to their service and would prefer if went there but yeah cba
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,414 Skive's The Limit
    edited April 2023
    Tbh I dont think I’m even gunna bother with my gp. I’m going to collect my prescription for the honey in a bit and can do it myself and then can buy inadine over the counter I think

    I even have the cream if the honey makes it over granulated but think it’s out of date
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,414 Skive's The Limit
    edited April 2023
    Update.
    I rang them back as I am getting very paranoid about having nerve damage. They said I need to refer back to my gp as can’t self refer to secondary services and need new pictures. So I said okay, knowing I won’t be bothering my gp

    But she rang me back and said she spoke to the doctor and said he is happy for me to come asap without needing pictures. But yeah I can’t do tomorrow. I can only do Saturday so I said maybe only Saturday as work and they said okay at 10am. Like that’s great idk how to get there so early I can’t even lie to my family saying I’m doing overtime as I only have a one day weekend which is the Saturday and they would say it’s illegal to work that many days in a row

    Also my pararniod thinking is that is it serious because they’re letting me come without new pictures or referal and wanted me in asap like they already know I could have nerve damage???
    Post edited by Siena on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • GemmaGemma Community Manager Posts: 453 Listening Ear
    edited April 2023
    Hi @Siobhan, this sounds really scary for you and you are doing so well to advocate for yourself and reach out to these services. I can see how this would be really worrying for you. It's really tough for us to know if there is damage to your arm and it sounds like your doctor is keen to see you to check you over and ensure you get the right support.
     
    I hear how you're worried that your family won't believe you if you say you have work on Saturday. Is there another reason you could use for why you're popping out on Saturday?
     
    If you feel anything gets worse or changes before the weekend, we'd encourage you to go straight to A&E or to call your GP back.
     
    You're doing so well and you deserve to get the support you need  <3
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