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I feel horrible again, who would have thought. I spent the whole day today working on a coursework and I've made very little progress. Why is it so hard for me to just sit down, do it and have it over with? There is literally nothing stopping me but my brain is refusing to collaborate.
I feel like I have no one to talk to. My family don't understand, my friends don't care and I will not be going to random people complaining why I can't think properly. So I just end up checking here most of the time but at this point that doesn't feel helpful either, there's just so much I can say. I'm just tired, I don't feel like talking too much because I'm aware that most of what I say doesn't make any sense, I'm sorry.
Will be going for another counselling session tomorrow but I'm worried that it will be just like last week, I get asked a simple question and my brain just melts down. Last week I made a list of what I wanted to say and I said almost nothing from it. This week the list is twice the size so I'm not going into the session with high hopes.
I'm in such a mess right now, but I shouldn't be! I feel like I'm screaming inside, nothing makes sense to me anymore. I don't understand why I feel the way I do but I don't deserve this. I don't even know what I'm expecting from this post to be honest, maybe just typing all of this out will help me sleep better idk.
Weird fun fact, I've had a hallucination recently. I was washing dishes (the water was kinda loud tho) and I heard my dad call my name very clearly from the same room, I turn around and there was no one there, he wasn't even close and apparently didn't even call my name. It was such a weird experience I never had anything even close to this before. Kinda scary too.
(I'm rereading all this and I actually sound like I'm going crazy
I feel so overwhelmed, nothing feels real to me anymore. I said it before but I don't feel like myself, I don't feel like I exist. If my mental health wasn't messed up earlier then it definitely is now. I didn't believe I could feel worse but here I am.
Everywhere I go or everything I do just feels like it wasn't me, like I'm watching a recording of someone else go through all this. I will sit around a table with my family but they don't feel like my family anymore, I don't know how to explain it. And its not like I feel nothing, I somehow keep feeling progressively more anxious about everything with each day. Its like the more I discover about my mental health the worse it gets, like I'm going in reverse.
I really don't know what to do, I don't think I'm capable of making any change in my life at this moment, maybe I need someone else to help me make those changes, but that just sounds so dumb to me. I still have two weeks before my next "therapist" session but I don't even know why I want to go so much. All I keep hearing is that I need to make all the steps myself and I'll start feeling better. And that would make sense if only I was capable of making those steps. Plus I keep getting the feeling that I'm too far gone already, that my mental health is so screwed already that there's no way to save it, I just waited too long to do anything about it. But I just didn't know then. But of course, I'm writing this because I still have hope that I can feel truly happy again, that I can truly be myself again. I just feel exhausted right now.
Sending hugs
Im sorry youre struggling, im not an expert at all but what youre describing sounds like depersonalisation or derealisation I know it feels really lonely and scary. Writing it out and talking to others made me feel a little less alone and more in control. We are always here to listen. And we are really proud of you for continuing to open up here.
Sending so many hugs. I really understand. People kept reminding me healing and recovery isnt linear, sometimes things get worse but that doesnt mean they cant start getting better again.
Thats not dumb at all. Its actualy a strong thing to admit when you cant do things alone. When minds are heavy and confusing it can really help to have someone who can help you break down things into small steps.
If you dont mind me asking what sort of steps have people suggested you take,maybe we can help you break it down and pick one thing to focus on first.
I also think its perfectly ok to look forward to seeing the therapist, talking to her is an outlet for your feelings. I know when im inbetween appointments my thoughts and feelings feel heavier. I like knowing that soon ill be able to put some of those thoughts down.
Do you have any distractions you can use between now and your next meeting? Like a favourite show to watch each night. And remember we are always here to listen.
Sending hugs.
It's great you've reached out to the community once again and we're all glad to hear from you.
what you're describing seems very alienating and i think it would be a good idea to discuss it with your therapist next time you see them.
@SpaceOtter is right in saying that may we could help you break down the steps you want to take, so we can give you support and find any resource you might need.
Let us know how you've been doing
I have been writing a lot of it out. Its definitely so nice to know I'm not alone
The most horrible thing about everything feeling worse is the fact that this didn't happen before I started to open up about my feelings, in a way my mind is starting to regret reaching out for help in the first place.
I see. I just don't want to be someone who relies too much on other people, especially when I know they won't always be there for me. Also me saying I need someone's help sounds like an excuse to me, like I'm too lazy or unmotivated to do anything myself,and I just throw the responsibility onto someone else instead, I don't want to be such person.
Do you want to know just the steps that people suggested to me or all things that I want to change in my life, this including people's advice plus my own goals that I want to achieve and steps I already know I need to take and stuff like that? There might be quite a few things so I want to know exactly what you're asking for before I start writing too much.
Yea, I have a lot of distractions I can use, I'm just worried that I'm distracting myself too much. I kept distracting myself for so long that I am now struggling to connect back with what's real, plus it now feels too late to do anything with.
Thank you again. Sending hugs!
I want to say so much yet I don't have the energy. I used to think a lot to myself 'maybe I have depression, idk I think so', but now I'm 100% certain about it.
Today I was starting to play a new board game with my family, since I was the one who read the rules I had to explain them to everyone. We sat down, everyone looks at me, and I just got this horrible feeling of dread that I never got before. I just couldn't say anything, there was just so much going on in my head, all I felt I could do was cry. This has never before happened to me with my family, the people I live with and talk to every day, I trust them, so why did I just feel so paralyzed. I just wanted to run away and go into bed and cry but I couldn't, there was nowhere to go.
They basically started talking with each other and I had a bit of time to calm down, and I did, kind of. We ended up playing fine but the entire time I just felt so low, and every little thing just felt so annoying and started making me angry, I'm not usually angry. I just wanted to go home.
I am so terrified. Everything is starting to feel so worse with me, I can't go in public anymore, I'm too scared and embarrassed that I'm just going to break down any moment. I hate this so much. Sorry for the ramble.
We are here for you and there are many other people who are here for you too. However, I hear you with the fear that those people will leave.
Needing help is something we all need sometimes and it’s certainly not an excuse. What would the ideal support look like for you at the moment/what would you like to happen?
You deserve support - no matter what that looks like and it is really positive to hear you feel able to trust your family
We just came back from our 2 week break yet it feels like it was all a dream. I was so disconnected that I can't even believe that we've been anywhere.
With 'people leaving' I believe you are referencing one of my posts earlier where I mention that I don't want to rely too much on other people, right? Everything I do I need to have someone by my side to guide me though it, I feel so lucky that I always had someone to rely on, but that won't always be the case. I don't want to rely on people all the time, I can't rely on people all the time. I need to start thinking for myself and being independent.
I keep relying on my friends to help me with a lot of uni work, then when it comes to doing an independent task I struggle. I can't even go shopping by myself, usually my parents do all the shopping. People just keep pushing me through this life because I can't seem to do anything myself, I'm not learning in any way.
Sometimes I would follow other people's path because that just seems the easiest for me. For example I chose a specific college and university just because a lot of people I know chose them, even if I actually wanted to go somewhere else or study something different, I just convinced myself that this is something I want to do. "After all, if they are doing this then I can do it too" was what I kept telling myself. Now I feel stuck, these people are slowly moving away from me, doing their own thing while I'm now here hopeless because I have to start thinking for myself now. I this makes sense.
I will not hide it anymore, I do need help, I just don't know what it could be. I can't see a good way that I could receive any support at this point, actually I don't see my future at all. I started realising all this way too late and now I just feel so lost and hopeless in this life that I'm stuck in. I'm asking myself questions that I know I should have asked a long long time ago, I would have received support and would probably be living a normal life by now, but now it feels too late to do anything about it. I wish I could go back, change so many things, open up to people and all that stuff, but I can't.
Sorry for the long ramble, I don't even know if any of this makes sense. As I said, there's just too much on my mind right now. Plus there was someone close to my family who passed away recently and I've been feeling it a lot. Life is so short, and I'm wasting every second of it. I just feel broken, too broken to put back together.
But anyways. Thank you for listening
There is so many posts I really want to reply to but I just can't seem to get to doing it. I can't concentrate and I feel so lost for no reason. I will get to it at some point, I'm not ignoring them.
I realised my post in the 'I need a hug' thread sounds really bad, but its true. I've hit an all time low, so low that I can feel the floor. But I'm hoping to bounce back from this floor, I am hopeful and still staying positive. Actually, looking at some of my other posts that probably doesn't feel like the case...
Unlike it may seem, I really don't like talking about myself, especially all my problems. I'm really good at putting up a smile and pretending everything is fine. It's not fine. And I hate saying this so much, I keep invalidating myself with my own situation thinking stuff like 'other people have it worse, stop making it such a big deal and embarrassing yourself'.
Is there anything I won't hate myself for...
Today we received a postcard from this person... They were one of the only people who always sent us postcards for every occasion. Receiving this one knowing its the last one that they are no longer with us was so sad
That sounds really tough. Sending hugs and if talking about it helps im happy to listen!
How are you doing today?
Youre a very kind wonderful person jjlemon, we understand you want to spread that kindness but its important to look after yourself. Just listening and being here is more than enough, just looking after yourself is enough! We just want you to be safe and supported.
Also sharing your own experiences and feelings makes others feel less alone and gives others the confidence to talk about their feelings.
Sending big hugs. Look after yourself
I don't have much to say about that situation, its just pretty sad really.
Today I'm still not great, it hasn't been getting any better tbh. I finally have my next therapist meeting tomorrow so I will be writing a letter today because I have a LOT to say, I'm writing down absolutely everything, everything I feel, everything I want to feel, my situation and all of that. I will hand it to her at the start of session, this way I know I won't forget to say anything, plus she gets to see the whole picture of my life. I really hope this works. I'm just worried it will take her the full hour just reading the thing haha.
I have a really tough situation at the moment and I really need her help, maybe I'll make a thread asking for advice on it after the meeting tomorrow.
Thank you, that's really nice to hear!
I know about the kindness thing, I often give away kindness that belongs to me. But if I can't make myself happy then I don't want it, I rather make other people happy, I'm just not too great at doing that either.
Don't worry, I'm completely safe. But unfortunately I have stopped caring for myself (not completely but still), I just don't see my future in any way, I don't see how I can start living like a normal person for once, and that just hurts. I do want to care for myself, I really do, I just lack the will power at the moment.
I kinda treat this place like my diary, everything I feel I just shove it here, and knowing that people see all this kinda gives me comfort in a way, all my life I have been hiding everything I feel and I'm done with that now.
I spend way too much time on this forum than I'd like to admit, but I don't have anything else.
I'm really sorry this has been such a pessimistic reply, I just don't know what else to say.
I hope you are well! Sending hugs
I reread a lot of my posts and it really sounds like I'm going crazy, maybe I am. Its so embarrassing and every time I say a little 'too much' my brain starts freaking out. Like today when I told my therapist a little much and I just felt sick and exhausted for the rest of the day. I hate this. It feels like I have no control over my brain, it just does its own thing. I feel so conflicted about every thing I do. Really often I will read my own posts and think to myself 'why did I even send that, its so dumb'.
My therapist keeps saying that everything depends on me, I'm the one in control who can decide my future not her. And yes, she's right, but I know this already, I just don't know how to get in control. All her responses are just "think about it" and "what are you feeling?". This doesn't help me, I can't think, that's the problem.
I still gained no motivation for caring for myself or anything. All I'm doing now is waiting for the next meeting because I really want to talk more, I just can't get enough. But I can't, I have too many important things to do in the meantime. I feel like I'm trying to make my life as miserable as possible and I hate it so much.
There was so much I wanted to post here today, but I kept leaving it for later. Now I sat down in the evening and I have no idea what to say, it all vanished, yet its weight remains... I feel horrible
I have a question, how 'okay' is it to talk about the state of ones mental health with someone irl? Because I sent someone a message today saying "sorry I haven't been replying much but lets just say I haven't been feeling too great lately" and they respond with "no worries" but later send a message asking "are you okay?", now I don't know what how to respond.
I avoid telling people about my mental health 'struggles', to me it doesn't make sense that I feel the way I do, I'm scared others will judge and won't understand either. So how much do I tell others? Do I just say I'm fine and focus on talking about it with people who understand? I hate telling people about all my struggles, its so embarrassing to me, but sometimes hiding your mental health is impossible...
Idk what to say about hiding your mental health. Obviously hiding it isn't great, bottling it up won't help at all. But at the same time I understand it's really difficult to share your struggled with others. I think you should focus on talking about it with people who understand but you also shouldn't just say you're fine to other people. Just letting them know you're struggling is ok. It's a bit difficult/awkward but for example you could be like 'I've been struggling quite a bit lately but it's ok, I have support and I'm working on it' because that let's them know but also sends across the signal that you don't wanna feel awkward/open up to them. Idk if that makes any sense but I hope it helps!
Sometimes there is just too much piling up inside my skull and when I'm tired my rambles just become extreme, and it didn't help that I got only like 5 hours of sleep yesterday lol.
I've reread the ramble that I wrote yesterday and I'm still like 'nah, that is seriously way too much'. I might post half of it tho, the first half is alright, later I just started writing a million existential questions that nobody has the answer to lol. Also its not that long really, I spent as much time writing the other two posts instead.
Yea, she was. I was really happy about it too, but that didn't make me feel any less sick.
I feel like it showed her a whole other perspective to my life, and not just the little things I'm comfortable telling her. After she read it, she told me she felt like I have 'completely given up', and her tone changed quite noticeably, she started to sound a little worried. It felt like before the letter we just kept talking about how to feel better, cope with anxiety and nothing too serious. She really wanted me to write more.
Telling others about your struggles, its so hard and embarrassing. I know people are ignorant, I know I have been ignorant for so many year, maybe that's karma now haha. Like how do I get to know new people, I won't just be like "hello I'm Jakub and I'm struggling with anxiety and depression" that's so awkward, like what are they supposed to say? But on the other hand if I don't tell them this, people will think I'm 'weird' or lazy or something because all these problems really affect the way I interact with people, like a lot. In school other people would just talk about me right in front of me, I never said anything so maybe they thought I didn't care or something, but to this day I'm still getting called lazy and all that stuff. People don't understand, so I just keep on sitting there quietly.
That's also why I have been posting here so much, because its the only place people understand, at least they pretend they do, and that's okay. Sending hugs!
Is there a particular reason you haven’t been sleeping particularly well recently? And how are you feeling about the idea of writing more?
You deserve to be heard in your struggles, even if it feels hard and embarrassing. You have done so well to talk to us about how you have been and your struggles
I'm not sure about sleeping. I have the problem of telling myself to go to sleep (like now) and then actually falling asleep. Like I will avoid going to bed at all costs and when I do finally get there I just can't seem to be able to fall asleep, there's just too much on my mind.
By "writing more" do you mean writing more letters to my therapist or writing more rambles on this thread? Either way I can absolutely write more! I just have to stop myself sometimes from writing too much.
I realised something horrible. I don't have as much control over myself as I think I do. I have these moments where I will do/say/think something and later I will rethink it and realise how dumb it was. You could say it sometimes feels like I'm on 'autopilot'.
For example this situation. I felt like I was a completely different person writing that 'big ramble'. Just before posting I got my senses back and I realised that it isn't a great thing to post. Most of the 'ramble' was focused around death, this will also be important later.
Then as I mentioned here, I had a meeting with my therapist where she told me "it sounds like you have completely given up" to which I didn't know what to reply because I feel like that's not really true. Then why did I write it that way?
Then I also posted lyrics to an existential (I guess) song on another thread. So basically I can't get these thoughts off my mind recently.
Now why am I saying all of this. This leads me to two days ago, where as soon as I woke up I felt super ill and so I must have lost control of my mind again. TW!
I'm not even sure I'm writing this with full 'consciousness', I can't even tell, I might look back on this post tomorrow and think to myself 'why did I even say that?'. But right now I feel like I just need to get this of my mind. I don't know what to do about this.
Side note, I typed out this post a lot earlier today but just left it to see what I will think about it later. To be honest I'm still not sure what to think. I'll just post it I guess.
Sending hugs
I have felt so weird and 'disconnected' recently. But my whole perspective on life has changed a lot during the last couple of months, I feel like I have gained consciousness in a way, before it was like I just 'existed'. Which is weird because that is what I'd describe my situation right now, like I'm just barely existing. But here's the thing, I was so disconnected before that I got used to it, this 'disconnected' state is what became 'normal' to me. So now that I'm finally starting to be me, it feels weird.
Like the example of standing outside the window watching everyone have fun inside without you. I was always outside, so long that it felt like I belonged outside. Now I finally learnt how to be inside, but I miss being outside, I feeling disconnected not being outside, that place it what I got so used to over all these years.
This feels like a weird ramble and it probably doesn't even make sense, but I just wanted to share it. It gives me a positive way to approach my situation, I just need to change my mindset and I should be alright! (I hope)
Anyways. Sending hugs!
Over time as you work at this, it'll feel more comfortable and familiar to you. I hope that you're able to keep making progress on this path, and that it brings you greater happiness in the long run
Tbh I wouldn't say I'm making much progress, I still have some bad habits and no motivation or energy to improve. I doubt this path will bring me much happiness, but now I'm just more aware that I am taking the wrong path. I just need to find a way to get off his path to a better one. If that makes sense.