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Current Feelings

JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,876 Extreme Poster
Hi. I've started a new thread because there is something I'm feeling right now and I just want to get it out of my system. This will probably be long.

I always knew there is something wrong with me but I never felt the need to express it to anyone. I always had the mindset like "it will get better". A few months ago I've started to get a weird feeling of dread and I began to understand that if I don't do anything with this my life will always be miserable. And since then I've only been feeling worse.

So a week ago I finally decided to speak with my university about this and they applied me for talking therapy. The problem is that the waiting time is 3 months, I can't last 3 months, I'll go crazy by then. So they recommended me a couple of different sites. And so I ended up here.

They have also recommended that I join some sort of society at uni to boost my confidence in social situations, which I did... a little too fast.
For you see, now that I'm part of a society I feel obligated to join some sort of event, but with my social anxiety and lack of any social skills I'm extremely uncomfortable to go anywhere. I have no idea what to expect or how to even talk with people.

But I'll stop myself there. My anxiety is a whole other topic for a different post (idk when that'd be, I don't want to post too much at once).

Anyways, heading towards the main reason I started writing this thread in the first place.

As I mentioned earlier, I'm feeling worse and worse with each day. It got to a point where I feel miserable for no reason. I feel extremely tired even tho I haven't really done anything plus I got a decent amount of sleep. I lack any sort of motivation and even the best things I find fun no longer give me much joy. I can't concentrate on anything, someone asks me a question and I would sometimes just stand there with no response often unaware that they are talking to me. It feels like daydreaming but I can't even recall what I was thinking about. I also feel extremely nervous for no apparent reason,

I spent all day today making a mental list of all these things hoping to write this post. This is honestly the worse I felt in my life, everything just seems so pointless and I don't know why. I am aware there is a lot of people that feel a lot worse than me right now so I don't expect anyone to sympathise for me. I'm just saying that personally, this is the most horrible I've ever felt. Since it keeps getting worse I don't want to know what will come next.

And that's about it for now. I'm sorry for the long post. :)
Believe in me - who believes is you
Amy22AifeILoveDinos
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Comments

  • JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,876 Extreme Poster
    It doesn't seem like its letting me edit my post so I'll write here.

    I just wanted to add something else I noticed happening to me. I keep getting angry for no reason, every small obstacle seems so incredibly irritating and I have no idea why. I get frustrated when people call my name even if I don't even know what they want.

    That's all.
    Believe in me - who believes is you
    Amy22
  • JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,876 Extreme Poster
    edited February 2023
    Morgan007 wrote: »
    @JJLemon18 u can only edit for upto an hour after posted

    @Morgan007 ah, that's good to know. Thank you!

    I was wondering why I could see the edit option before but not now
    Believe in me - who believes is you
  • JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,876 Extreme Poster
    Hello. I really have the urge to just talk about me because I know keeping all the thoughts to myself isn't going to help. This is going to be a long one...

    Imma start off by saying I feel like I don't belong to this world. Everything seems so hard for me to understand and simple actions are incredibly difficult and I don't get why. Everything seems wrong about me. I feel so distant to everything around me and more often than not I feel like I'm not even in the room I'm in, I can't look at myself in any reflection because it lets me see that I am in the room and the fact that I'm not easy to miss, the view just makes me anxious. Also, I feel like any 13 year old knows more about life than me.

    Although I don't know other people's thoughts I'm sure that I think very differently to others. My approach to any situation is often not like any other person's. That is why I had a few times when I started writing a reply here on The Mix forums but deleted it half way through because I knew the other person might not understand or that it might sound rude, triggering, sound like I'm trying to make everything be about me etc. Even though in reality I'm just trying to add my opinion on the situation. A great thing would be if there was someone who could read my messages before I post them and tell me if they're fine, but that's impossible I guess.

    Speaking of The Mix, this place has really helped me understand my feelings and how to express them. I would read someone's post and think to myself "oh, so this is that feeling that I couldn't figure out how to explain". And on the topic, I can relate to almost every problem people have on these threads, even if its just a little. That's why I can rarely find something helpful to say since I don't know how to deal with the problem myself and this also reminds me of everything is wrong with me that I keep telling myself. And don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with you guys, its the situations that we got ourselves in that are wrong. I hope that makes sense.

    (TW mentions of death, suicide and self-harm. I won't be specific so it will be just broad terms but do be warned (I want to be on the safe side))
    I just wish to express my opinions on these topics.
    I never understood why people self harm or what "urges" are, it just seems so wrong to hurt yourself because to me there is no benefit to that, also I'm terrified of pain.
    I would be lying if I said I never considered ending it all here and now, howether it always seemed like the worst possible option.
    Although many times I just wish I could disappear I won't ever self harm in any way (at least not intentionally), I believe that death is never deserved for anyone especially not someone who has done nothing wrong. There is no hiding that we will all die at some point so why not take the opportunity to do something different in life, say for example visit many beautiful places or watch as many movies as possible. I'm a curious person and I just don't want to miss anything interesting for example seeing people travel to mars or my favourite band releasing another song perhaps. You get the point.
    Suicide to me is like going for a full course meal but skipping straight to the dessert and leaving (there's probably a better example haha but I hope you get it)
    Also sorry for the existential crisis, I did warn you after all ;)
    If you didn't read it then don't worry I am 100% safe. ;)

    That's about all I remember wanting to say for now. This took me over an hour to write since I typed it on my phone and I definitely over analysed everything I wrote :lol:

    Sending huge hugs!
    Believe in me - who believes is you
    Amy22
  • HarryTHarryT Community Manager Posts: 320 The Mix Regular
    Hello @JJLemon18,

    Thank you for sharing this with us. You're doing so well to open up about what you're feeling right now, and it shows a real sense of self-awareness to be able to articulate your situation so clearly.

    You've mentioned that things are feeling quite pointless at the moment, and that your ordinary day to day activities are feeling difficult. Would it be fair to say that you're struggling with a general sense of low mood and lack of motivation, JJLemon? While everyone experiences these things differently, I can certainly relate to those feelings and how confusing and frustrating they can be when you can't quite put your finger on the reason behind them or the trigger that is causing them.

    I'm also hearing that you feel as though you don't belong, JJLemon. How long have you felt this way for? Is it a feeling that is growing worse over time, or does it feel pretty static and fixed? We're here to help you explore those feelings.

    In the part of your post covered by the spoiler, you mentioned that you feel as though you're a curious person and you're keen to explore the world. It sounds to me as though it's that curiosity that helps to keep you going and to get you through the tough times. Am I hearing that right? Have you got any things coming up that you are looking forward to or excited about? TED talks can be a great way to learn about new things and explore interesting ideas, if that's the kind of thing you are interested in and you think it would be helpful. That is also something that you could do alone, while you are developing techniques and strategies to help you to manage your social anxiety.

    You've also mentioned that your University has helped you to apply for therapy, JJLemon. Are you a university student at the moment? I'm hearing that there's a three month waiting list which is a little frustrating, but how are you feeling about accessing that support when you get there? You absolutely deserve that support, JJLemon, and reaching out for it is a really brave step.

    I also just wanted to briefly pick up on what you said about not wanting to write too much at once. The discussion boards are here for you to use as you feel the need to do so, and as you feel comfortable doing so. If there's other things going on for you right now that you'd like to talk about then feel free to post up another thread and we'll be here to listen. Equally, if you don't feel as though now is the right time to talk about your anxiety then that's okay too - just know that we'll be here when you're ready.

    Take care legend, and remember we're all rooting for you.
    Harry

    Hello amazing human (yes, that's YOU). I wish that you could see the amazing person who I see within you  ✨
    JJLemon18
  • JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,876 Extreme Poster
    Hi @HarryT Thank you so much for the reply and your kind words, I really appreciate it!
    I read your comment yesterday but I was really tired so I went to sleep, I didn't want to rush my reply.
    HarryT wrote: »
    You've mentioned that things are feeling quite pointless at the moment, and that your ordinary day to day activities are feeling difficult. Would it be fair to say that you're struggling with a general sense of low mood and lack of motivation, JJLemon? While everyone experiences these things differently, I can certainly relate to those feelings and how confusing and frustrating they can be when you can't quite put your finger on the reason behind them or the trigger that is causing them.

    Yep, that's about right. I don't think there is any more I could add at the moment.
    HarryT wrote: »
    I'm also hearing that you feel as though you don't belong, JJLemon. How long have you felt this way for? Is it a feeling that is growing worse over time, or does it feel pretty static and fixed? We're here to help you explore those feelings.

    I've felt like I don't belong since forever, but I always believed that it will get better. Only recently I've started to think deeply about my mental health and I've realised this isn't good at all, if I continue ignoring my problems they will never fix themselves. Over the past few months this feeling that I don't belong has been getting a lot worse because I'm only starting to understand it now. Also, it's not that I feel like I don't belong, I know that I don't belong, and it hurts because I can't force people to accept me for who I am. I just don't fit anywhere.
    HarryT wrote: »
    In the part of your post covered by the spoiler, you mentioned that you feel as though you're a curious person and you're keen to explore the world. It sounds to me as though it's that curiosity that helps to keep you going and to get you through the tough times. Am I hearing that right?

    Yea, partly that and the idea that it would hurt my family too much. I'll be honest, my family has a ton of problems and me disappearing is probably the worst that could happen to them.
    HarryT wrote: »
    Have you got any things coming up that you are looking forward to or excited about?

    There is a few small things yes, but its mainly the unknown things that keep me going, the things that I don't know will happen. That is why I still have some hope that it will get better. After all, I have nothing to lose by staying in this world.

    I would also like to add that in the spoiler I questioned why people self harm. I don't really understand, maybe I shouldn't.
    HarryT wrote: »
    You've also mentioned that your University has helped you to apply for therapy, JJLemon. Are you a university student at the moment? I'm hearing that there's a three month waiting list which is a little frustrating, but how are you feeling about accessing that support when you get there? You absolutely deserve that support, JJLemon, and reaching out for it is a really brave step.

    Yep, I'm in my second year at university. I feel really hopeful about the support but I'm also very sceptical because it will only be six 1-hour appointments which I highly doubt is enough to fix my problems. Also I really regret any "lost" time, so it really pains me when I start thinking like "so 3 months is going to be after Easter, then I will be almost done with second year, then I will only have 1 year left and..." the person I talked to about these sessions told me that university is the best time of your life, now I don't have much of it left. Also if this really is the "best" then I don't even want to know what comes next.

    In terms of my anxiety, it is a big topic so I'll talk about it on a new thread once I have time and the courage to do so.

    Again thank you!
    If there is anything else you'd like to know I'm more than happy to share it, I'm done holding it all to myself.

    Take care! :)
    Believe in me - who believes is you
  • JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,876 Extreme Poster
    Also I wanted to add something. Its really nice that people say stuff like "its nice that you reached out for support" but I have actually done that by complete accident. I reached out to the university wellbeing team with something completely unrelated to mental health but the lady that I spoke with asked me a couple question about myself because she saw how stressed I was. She started a case where I then spoke to another lady from their team who signed me up for the appointments and she recommended The Mix for me.

    They told me a couple things that really made me think about my mental health, since that time I've been feeling a lot worse.
    That doesn't mean my situation is worse. Its like when you injure yourself by accident but you only start feeling the pain once you notice the injury. If that makes sense. I didn't understand how bad my situation was before.
    Believe in me - who believes is you
  • JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,876 Extreme Poster
    (Every time I want to rant about my feeling should I do it here or would it be better if I created a new thread every time?)

    I've had a horrible day so far. I literally took 4 busses to get to uni and find out from my friends (we are doing a group project together btw) that there is no meetings today. So in the end I only sat through one lecture that I didn't even learn anything from and went back home.

    In the meantime I was made fun of by my friends and I found out that they were spreading rumours about me that I told them things I never really said. One of them said he can show me my message in the group chat and I was like "yes, show me" to which his response was that he isn't bothered. But the "jokes" about me continued...
    They are not perfect, they all make stupid mistakes and have plenty of things to laugh about between them, but no, they get along well with each other so I am the only one constantly made fun of. They used to be nice to me, actually one of the nicest people I met, but I realised they are all selfish and don't care about others at all. I know by the way I started to behave recently that they can clearly see I'm feeling broken, they can see I'm not alright, they don't seem to care one bit, as you see its quite the contrary in fact.
    I feel shattered, I don't want to talk with any of them anymore, I don't want to be surrounded by toxic people but I have to since we are literally doing the same group work. And even if I could, I would then have nobody to talk to... I don't belong anywhere it's just sad...

    Sorry I just had to let it out
    Believe in me - who believes is you
  • JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,876 Extreme Poster
    I wanted to mention something else about my "friends". When working on the project online they keep insisting that I use a mic to talk with them, I am extremely uncomfortable speaking through a mic. My excuse always was that I didn't have one, but they keep pressuring me into using it and making fun of me about this too.
    I never told them I'm uncomfortable but I think they know. I have no idea what to do next. I know I should be talking to them through a mic as it is a normal thing to do but its extremely difficult for me. Any advice?
    Believe in me - who believes is you
  • Emma_Emma_ Community Manager Posts: 596 Incredible Poster
    Hey @JJLemon18

    It's really cool to see you've been able to use The Mix to vent things out and have a place to share what you're thinking and feeling. I can here there's a quite a lot of feelings at the moment, and as Harry mentioned above, it seems you're becoming more self aware. From experience, I know that becoming self aware is a journey in itself - you go from not really noticing or understanding feelings, to feeling and noiticing it all at once, to finally being able to take things bit by bit and work through everything. It sounds like you're in that second stage at the moment, and that can feel quite overwhleming.
    the person I talked to about these sessions told me that university is the best time of your life, now I don't have much of it left. Also if this really is the "best" then I don't even want to know what comes next.
    This is something that is said sooo often by people who's best years were during uni, but that's not the case for everyone! Uni is hard,and it really can get so much better once you leave and your find your feet in the world outside of academics and forced group work!

    I really love how you view the future with hope for the cool things that could happen. I love the idea of being alive to see people live on another planet, or to see what fashion trends come back next summer! I personally have a love for sunsets, and the hope that there will be prettier skies another day if today was cloudy and grey brings me back everyday :)
    I'm also very sceptical because it will only be six 1-hour appointments which I highly doubt is enough to fix my problems. Also I really regret any "lost" time, so it really pains me when I start thinking like "so 3 months is going to be after Easter, then I will be almost done with second year,
    It sounds like right now, uni is harder than it was before. It's great that you've been able to get support from uni, even if it's in a couple of months. I wonder if rather than looking at the support as "fixing" you, it might instead be able to offer you some support to cope with how you're feeling and skills you can take into the future to deal with difficulties you face. Its sounds like having a space to talk is helpful for you at the moment, so those sessions could also help with that, and towards the end they may be able to give you some information about other places you could continue to recieve that space.

    As for your friends, do you think you could let them know that you're feeling down, and that you're not finding their jokes funny? A group project is often tricky, working together to create something for a grade is a lot of pressure! If you don't feel comfortable using a mic, that's okay. Maybe you could type instead or let them know you're not comfortable and you'd like to move on, as using a mic isn't necessary for group calls if you can type?

    I'm cautious of making my reply to long so I'll leave it there, but do keep using this space! You can keep adding your thoughts into this thread so it's all in one place and easy to keep track of. It also avoids having multiple threads talking about the same thing :)

    JJLemon18
  • JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,876 Extreme Poster
    Hey @Emma_ Thank you so much for the reply. I just came back home from another horrible day at uni so your comment definitely made me feel a little better.
    Emma_ wrote: »
    I can here there's a quite a lot of feelings at the moment, and as Harry mentioned above, it seems you're becoming more self aware. From experience, I know that becoming self aware is a journey in itself - you go from not really noticing or understanding feelings, to feeling and noiticing it all at once, to finally being able to take things bit by bit and work through everything. It sounds like you're in that second stage at the moment, and that can feel quite overwhleming.

    Yea, that seems like it. I can feel my mental health going down every day at an alarmingly fast pace, I think it might be because I'm understanding it more and realising how bad of a situation I got myself in. It does feel overwhelming.
    Emma_ wrote: »
    I really love how you view the future with hope for the cool things that could happen. I love the idea of being alive to see people live on another planet, or to see what fashion trends come back next summer! I personally have a love for sunsets, and the hope that there will be prettier skies another day if today was cloudy and grey brings me back everyday :)

    That's really nice. I'm glad you share this view too! If I was ever given the option to see the future I would never take it, it would defeat the whole purpose of life in in my opinion. Its like when someone spoils a movie for you, you wouldn't feel like watching it anymore.
    Emma_ wrote: »
    It sounds like right now, uni is harder than it was before. It's great that you've been able to get support from uni, even if it's in a couple of months. I wonder if rather than looking at the support as "fixing" you, it might instead be able to offer you some support to cope with how you're feeling and skills you can take into the future to deal with difficulties you face. Its sounds like having a space to talk is helpful for you at the moment, so those sessions could also help with that, and towards the end they may be able to give you some information about other places you could continue to recieve that space.

    That's my main worry at the moment, that I will go with the mindset that I will immediately feel better. I am aware that I wont. All of this just seems too much to be able to fix. I need to stop thinking like this but its still stuck at the back of my head.
    Emma_ wrote: »
    As for your friends, do you think you could let them know that you're feeling down, and that you're not finding their jokes funny? A group project is often tricky, working together to create something for a grade is a lot of pressure! If you don't feel comfortable using a mic, that's okay. Maybe you could type instead or let them know you're not comfortable and you'd like to move on, as using a mic isn't necessary for group calls if you can type?

    I told them many times that I don't find their joke funny (even though I do often laugh since its very easy for someone to make me laugh. Also I will often try to laugh it off every time someone makes fun of me as a way to cope) but that only causes them to make fun of me even more.
    So far I did type instead of talking and it worked out quite well, but for some reason they aren't happy about it.
    Emma_ wrote: »
    I'm cautious of making my reply to long so I'll leave it there

    Don't worry about this, please continue :)
    As someone who is very conscious about what they write I know that people might not want to say something wrong or say too much, that is why I understand and will never look negatively towards anything like that.
    Also I don't get many messages often so I really appreciate when people take their time to write to me :)

    I hope you are well!
    Believe in me - who believes is you
  • SpaceOtterSpaceOtter Community Champion Posts: 701 Part of The Mix Family
    Heya JJlemon. Im sending lots of hugs and im really sorry to hear how tough things are right now.

    Youre doing really great talking here.

    This line really stuck out to me.
    Its really nice that people say stuff like "its nice that you reached out for support" but I have actually done that by complete accident. 
    I completely understand what you mean. Sometimes it feels really difficult when people say nice things but you feel you dont deserve them. But brains are often really tricky things especialy when theyre being unkind. Sometines our minds stop us seeing the good things in ourselves.
    I dont really believe in accidents. You may not have gone with the intention of talking about your mental health but there were plenty of opportunities where you could have shut down their offer for help. But you didnt. You couldve declined being put on a waiting list and you could have forgotten all about the websites they gave you and the mix. But you didnt. Instead you came here and you wrote down your feelings. And im so glad you did. Youve shown tremendous strength. You did reach out and that is no easy thing.
    Every time I want to rant about my feeling should I do it here or would it be better if I created a new thread every time?
    That is why I had a few times when I started writing a reply here on The Mix forums but deleted it half way through because I knew the other person might not understand or that it might sound rude, triggering, sound like I'm trying to make everything be about me etc.

    It really is up to you, you can keep all your thoughts in one place if you feel that works best for you. Or if something slightly different is on your mind you can start a new post.
    I can see in your posts youve mentioned alot about worrying about talking too much or where to put things. Youre a very considerate person and i understand how paralysing that can feel. But youre not bothering us and if there ever was a problem with your posts the mods would just reach out and make a small edit, there would be no harm done.
    It can be really difficult to know what say to people. All our minds process things differntly and it can be doubly difficult comunicating online. Sometimes just knowing someone is listening brings great comfort.
    I know i worry about the things i post. What helps me is writing out my response. Then i leave it for a couple hours or even a day. And then i come back and read it with fresh eyes,i even try to imagine someone else wrote it. I find it gives me a little more confidence that what ive written is ok.

    And its perfectly ok to mention your own experiences, personaly it makes me feel less lonely. It can be frustrating to juggle the want to help with feeling like youre talking about youself too much but people will apreciate you trying to relate to them and taking the time to reply. But theres also never any pressure to respond.
    I'm understanding it more and realising how bad of a situation I got myself in. It does feel overwhelming.
    This is a very tough feeling. Its like when your sat in a room and it slowly gets dark and you dont realise how dark its gotten until someone says oh its very dark in here". Only its not as simole as switching on a light. But you didnt get yourself into this. Its not your fault. How youre feeling is no more your fault than catching the flu. But now youre more aware as overwhelming as it is, it means you can start to figure out how to adress these feelings.
    that I will immediately feel better. I am aware that I wont. All of this just seems too much to be able to fix. I need to stop thinking like this but its still stuck at the back of my head.
    Its really difficult to imagine things getting better when everything hurts so much. Sometimes i find it helpful to focus more on the fact that theres more people around me to help. Someone i knew used to refer to it as putting tools is your tool box. Tools can be anything like breathing exercises, people to talk to. Slowly you build up your tool box and it can make things feel less scary.
    I told them many times that I don't find their joke funny (even though I do often laugh since its very easy for someone to make me laugh. Also I will often try to laugh it off every time someone makes fun of me as a way to cope) but that only causes them to make fun of me even more.
    So far I did type instead of talking and it worked out quite well, but for some reason they aren't happy about it.
    They dont sound like very considerate friends. I know its quite a nerve wrecking thing to do but could you write out your feelings in a text message to let them know how much it upsets you. I understand laughing it off but sonetimes that also means your bottling up your feelings.
    I just came back home from another horrible day at uni
    Would you like to talk about how today was? Only if it helps though.

    Sending lots of hugs. And im sorry this was all quite a ramble. Ive been reading through your posts overtime it just took me a little while to form a response, so it might not be the most coherent reply.

    We're always here whenever you need someone to listen.
    You're awesome!
    JJLemon18
  • JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,876 Extreme Poster
    Hey @SpaceOtter Thank you so much for your reply, you don't know how much it means to me!
    I'll be honest, reading your reply for the first time made me tear up and I'm not sure why. I feel like I already said too much on these threads but there is still so much bottled up inside me.
    SpaceOtter wrote: »
    I completely understand what you mean. Sometimes it feels really difficult when people say nice things but you feel you dont deserve them. But brains are often really tricky things especialy when theyre being unkind. Sometines our minds stop us seeing the good things in ourselves.
    I dont really believe in accidents. You may not have gone with the intention of talking about your mental health but there were plenty of opportunities where you could have shut down their offer for help. But you didnt. You couldve declined being put on a waiting list and you could have forgotten all about the websites they gave you and the mix. But you didnt. Instead you came here and you wrote down your feelings. And im so glad you did. Youve shown tremendous strength. You did reach out and that is no easy thing.

    That is true. Rejecting most help is pretty much what I've been doing until now but I'm really glad I came here.
    SpaceOtter wrote: »
    That is why I had a few times when I started writing a reply here on The Mix forums but deleted it half way through because I knew the other person might not understand or that it might sound rude, triggering, sound like I'm trying to make everything be about me etc.

    I can see in your posts youve mentioned alot about worrying about talking too much or where to put things. Youre a very considerate person and i understand how paralysing that can feel. But youre not bothering us and if there ever was a problem with your posts the mods would just reach out and make a small edit, there would be no harm done.
    It can be really difficult to know what say to people. All our minds process things differntly and it can be doubly difficult comunicating online. Sometimes just knowing someone is listening brings great comfort.
    I know i worry about the things i post. What helps me is writing out my response. Then i leave it for a couple hours or even a day. And then i come back and read it with fresh eyes,i even try to imagine someone else wrote it. I find it gives me a little more confidence that what ive written is ok.

    And its perfectly ok to mention your own experiences, personaly it makes me feel less lonely. It can be frustrating to juggle the want to help with feeling like youre talking about youself too much but people will apreciate you trying to relate to them and taking the time to reply. But theres also never any pressure to respond.

    I'm not sure how to say it but I'm going to be 100% honest with you, you were the main person I had in mind when I wrote that part. I was replying to one of your posts that really touched me but after a while something just felt wrong and I stopped. I changed a lot of my thoughts and proceeded to write my feelings here instead. Since then I felt really bad about it so I'm really sorry about this. And now that you mention this I just thought you should know. As you said, there are no accidents. ;)

    You said you leave your post for some time and read it later before posting. That makes a a lot of sense and is understandable. I tend to spend so much time on writing my post that by the time I'm done I forget what I started off with haha. I just read it a couple of times correcting anything and maybe rephrasing some sentences. I don't think this is really good though, because the more you analyse what you're posting the more you make it sound like what someone else would say instead of your own thoughts if that makes sense.
    SpaceOtter wrote: »
    Its really difficult to imagine things getting better when everything hurts so much. Sometimes i find it helpful to focus more on the fact that theres more people around me to help. Someone i knew used to refer to it as putting tools is your tool box. Tools can be anything like breathing exercises, people to talk to. Slowly you build up your tool box and it can make things feel less scary.

    Although it seems obvious the best advice I've heard so far is taking things one step at a time. The toolbox is a great example of that, the hardest part is finding the tools.
    SpaceOtter wrote: »
    They dont sound like very considerate friends. I know its quite a nerve wrecking thing to do but could you write out your feelings in a text message to let them know how much it upsets you. I understand laughing it off but sonetimes that also means your bottling up your feelings.

    They're not very considerate friends, they are the only ones I have tho. And I know sending a message like this would only make it worse, I realise people tend to exploit others' feelings so I learnt to just keep it all to myself. Also I want to mention they're not as bad as I probably make them seem, we were friends after all even before the group project. Yesterday evening I found out that one of them has done my part of some task for me, he said "it was late so I didnt want to give work to people last minute" which is nice but I know for a fact that he will come back to this later to say that he's done everything for me and I didn't help.
    SpaceOtter wrote: »
    Would you like to talk about how today was? Only if it helps though.

    Pretty much the usual. I felt really down, the work was hard and my friends were mean. Thats about it.
    SpaceOtter wrote: »
    Sending lots of hugs. And im sorry this was all quite a ramble. Ive been reading through your posts overtime it just took me a little while to form a response, so it might not be the most coherent reply.
    JJLemon18 wrote: »
    As someone who is very conscious about what they write I know that people might not want to say something wrong or say too much, that is why I understand and will never look negatively towards anything like that.
    Also I don't get many messages often so I really appreciate when people take their time to write to me

    I said what I feel about this earlier, so I understand. Please don't worry about this :)

    Again, thank you so much! Remember if you need to talk about something then I will be here listening too.
    Sending hugs. Take care!
    Believe in me - who believes is you
  • JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,876 Extreme Poster
    I don't feel great, I feel so hollow like there's nothing inside me anymore, no energy, no will, no motivation, nothing. I can't even get myself to go to sleep even though I can tell I'm tired. I missed almost a whole week of uni as a "break to take care of myself and focus on my mental health" but its only gotten worse. I can't make me take care of myself. It feels like I'm stuck in a never-ending loop and its horrible.

    I sent someone a message earlier that I thought would be funny but after sending and reading it again I realised it sounds really rude. I sent another message saying "I'm sorry that sounded rude" but now I feel incredibly sad and I regret it, I can't get it out of my head. I say so many stupid things for no apparent reason and no amount of rethinking it helps me make any more sense, how do I reply to people quickly without sounding dumb, weird or mean?

    Hope everyone sleeps well today.
    Believe in me - who believes is you
  • genderless_fungigenderless_fungi Moderator Posts: 156 Helping Hand
    Hey @JJLemon18

    I'm sorry you feel like your mental health is deteriorating. As mentioned earlier, this happens often when you start realising just how bad the situation is. Both @SpaceOtter and @Emma_ were right in saying that self awareness and learning how to slowly build coping mechanisms is a journey and it's ok for it to start in a rough place. As much as the situation feels horrible to you right now, you have opened yourself up to therapy and posting your thoughts here. As you said, you used to bottle up your feelings so this is already a huge and important change and we're all glad for it.

    You mentioned feeling like seeking help wasn't really a choice and therefore we shouldn't be talking about how great it is that you reached out, but i think a better way to see the situation would be to recognise that, given the circumstances, someone saw you were suffering and extended a hand and you took a leap, became more aware of yourself, and made steps towards taking care of your mental health. It doesn't matter if you weren't the one to suggest therapy in the first place, you still took notice and responsibility for your mental health and used what was offered to you as a tool to get better. Taking these kind of steps is not something that is made up of a single decision, it's something you're choosing everyday and you should get credit for it. Maybe you can see that as part of your own tool box, as @SpaceOtter said; you used what circumstances and others gave you and now you have these discussion boards and therapy as part of it.

    You also seem to have conflicting thoughts about your friends and how they treat you, as well as about how you approach social situations. As mentioned by others, talking to them would be your best option and I'm sorry you think they won't be receptive to your concerns and feelings. You also mentioned believing that they know you're not doing well and still making fun of you and not reaching out. That sounds very overwhelming and alienating and I'm sorry you've been going through that.

    Sending that message to your friend really seems to have affected you negatively. Feeling that you made someone else feel bad or that you're not able to navigate social situations as well as others can be stressful and frustrating. I want you to remember though that maybe the best way to approach the situation would be to try and see your texts and interactions as if you were a different person. It'll help you approach it with new eyes and maybe have more compassion and kindness towards any type of mistake you may make. we tend to judge ourselves way more harshly than we do others and often think others are way less forgiving than they actually are. You have been going through a lot and i think that maybe it would be more helpful to treat yourself with the same kindness you have for others.

    There are some charities and services you'd be able to talk to if you feel that you need someone to understand and listen to how you're feeling without judging or making fun of you. Also, while talking about therapy you mentioned not believing that six 1-hour sessions won't be enough and that you've been really struggling keeping up with everything in the last week. There are some resources I'd like to link which deal with free online counselling and mental health support

    This is a counselling service. you might not be able to start immediately but if you think that you might need the extra help maybe a solution would be to sign up early and keep on doing the sessions at the uni while you're on the waiting list and hopefully by the time you're done with those you'd be able to get the counselling you need:
    -Connect Counselling is a service offering help, support and counselling to individuals, couples and families experiencing a range of problems, such as anxiety, depression, an inability to cope, relationships, bereavement and more. They can offer a regular, weekly 50 minute sessions with an appropriate counsellor for as many times as needed. There is no fixed charge for their counselling, but they do ask for a voluntary monetary donation for each session, if possible, but they will never turn anyone away through lack of funds. Sessions can be delivered face to face in Surrey or remotely via Zoom or telephone, Monday-Friday in the daytime or evening. If you want to book in a session, phone 01276 24210 between Monday and Friday from 9:30am. Their website is https://www.connectcounselling.org.uk/
    -There is an organisation called Youth Access which has a database of free youth advice and counselling throughout England and Wales. You can visit their website at www.youthaccess.org.uk to look for local options.


    You might find useful tips and tools to manage your feelings of low mood and anxiety using these services:
    -Every Mind Matters offers practical help and advice on how to cope with your mental health and looking after yourself. They offer support for anxiety, low mood, stress, sleep as well as advice for parents and carers on how to support your children and self care tips for young people. Their 'Mind Plan' is a function that offers support tailored to you. Their website is https://www.nhs.uk/oneyovoicesu/every-mind-matters/ . They also have a dedicated page, specifically about coronavirus and how to look after your mental wellbeing.
    -MindShift CBT is a free app designed to help teens and young adults cope with anxiety. Offers strategies and uses CBT techniques to manage worry, panic, conflict, ordinary anxiety, and three specialised categories of anxiety: test anxiety, social anxiety, and perfectionism. It contains relaxation exercises. The app is available for download from Google Play the and Apple app store


    If you do want to talk to someone about what's been worrying you these two options might help:

    -One option is Supportline which provides a confidential telephone helpline offering emotional support to any individual on any issue, but particularly for people who are socially isolated, vulnerable or at risk or experiencing any form of abuse. They are there to have conversations about a range of issues including, isolation, abuse, mental health and exam stress, among others, and articles about all of these on their website. They also have page specifically for coronavirus, with lots of useful information on how to look after yourself and how to get support. Their helpline is 01708 765200 and has varying opening hours - please check their website for more details (www.supportline.org.uk) or you can email them at [email protected].
    -There is an organisation called Breathing Space. They have a free helpline that offers listening support and advice for people feeling down, depressed, worried or anxious. You can give them a call at 0800 83 85 87. Their helpline is open Monday to Thursday 6pm-2am and Friday 6pm to Monday 6am. For more details, you can visit their website at www.breathingspace.scot.

    To answer your question you can keep posting here or make a new thread, whatever you prefer and makes you feel more comfortable. Let us know how you've been doing and i hope you'll find these services helpful <3
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    I'm a community moderator. I'm here to help guide discussions and make sure Community Guidelines are followed. I can't send DMs, but you can message @TheMix or email [email protected] with questions or concerns.
    JJLemon18
  • JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,876 Extreme Poster
    Hi @genderless_fungi Thank you so so much for the advice and links to different services! I will definitely check them out at some point.
    Taking these kind of steps is not something that is made up of a single decision, it's something you're choosing everyday and you should get credit for it. Maybe you can see that as part of your own tool box, as @SpaceOtter said; you used what circumstances and others gave you and now you have these discussion boards and therapy as part of it.

    Thank you. It's really nice that you people view it that way. But for me it still feels wrong, every post I write just feels to me like its so unnecessary, like I'm wasting your time in a way. I think I feel that way because I'm just not used to people caring this much about me. When I read some replies I think to myself "this person really spent so much time writing this to me". And I know what you guys will say, this is what these threads are for and this and that, but still as much as I appreciate each and every reply I feel like I don't deserve this. I'm sorry.
    As mentioned by others, talking to them would be your best option and I'm sorry you think they won't be receptive to your concerns and feelings. You also mentioned believing that they know you're not doing well and still making fun of you and not reaching out. That sounds very overwhelming and alienating and I'm sorry you've been going through that.

    I'm not able to talk with them about this at the moment, I'm not ready for it. The last time I told them something, that I prefer working on our project during the weekdays because I want to spend the weekends with my family, they just chuckled and now its a joke between them that I am "always busy". The last time I asked them for help I got the response "I prefer not working right now" to which they all laughed and they ended up not helping me at all.
    The more posts I read in this community the more I realise how toxic and selfish my friends actually are.
    I want you to remember though that maybe the best way to approach the situation would be to try and see your texts and interactions as if you were a different person. It'll help you approach it with new eyes and maybe have more compassion and kindness towards any type of mistake you may make. we tend to judge ourselves way more harshly than we do others and often think others are way less forgiving than they actually are.

    SpaceOtter also said they do this and I will probably start approaching my messages in this way too. It honestly seems like a good idea but I'm just worried that it will make my messages give the wrong impression of who I am if you know what I mean.
    Also you're probably right about other people not being as harsh as we may think, that person replied saying my message wasn't rude at all (with a "hahaha" at the end), I don't know what to think about it but I do feel a little better. Also this is someone from the society I joined recently and not my original group of friends (which also cements the idea that my friends aren't exactly the best as this person seems really nice in comparison).

    Thank you again for the advice!
    Believe in me - who believes is you
  • JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,876 Extreme Poster
    Hi. It's that time again... My thoughts have been eating me up inside and I feel the need to rant again.

    I don't really know how to explain it but the more I learn about myself the more I want to forget everything. All of this has been affecting me in such a negative way and I now kinda understand the saying ignorance is bliss. I don't understand how people can be so chill and "ignorant" about their surroundings. I want to live like this, I want to live a life where I don't care what people think about me where I can just be happy doing anything I want without anxiety constantly dragging me down. I will probably (finally) start writing the post about my anxiety after this.

    However. As I mentioned above, the more posts I write the more I feel like I'm getting annoying, to the point where I wanted to say I will take a break from posting but that will be a dumb thing to say because I know for a fact that I will probably come back to posting about myself really soon.
    And I know that if I was actually annoying, you guys would never tell me, I understand why.

    I believe that the most important thing in life is honesty. If I dont want to say the truth I will simply not say anything. I will avoid lying at all costs because I treat others like I want to be treated myself and I really don't want to be lied to.
    I realise I'm making myself sound like such a "good person" I'm not really. I definitely lied before, I think everyone has at some point. But anyway, I'm getting off track.
    Why do I keep thinking of myself so negatively? I criticise everything I do, as you can see. I just cant help it. Why do I hate myself so much?

    One more thing. It takes me forever to think. When other people reply they start answering immediately after the question was said with the reply being almost perfectly thought out, as if they answered automatically. When I reply to someone it takes me a good couple of seconds to think of a mid-level reply that often doesnt make sense or is a lie (that I literally said because it was the first thing that came to my head, I only realise after I said it). More often than not there will be other people that will answer on my behalf because of how long it takes me to reply and they know the answer already. Also, some posts here take me over an hour to write...

    Finally, I wanted to say that I have not even mentioned most of my problems on these threads, theres just too much. This is why I feel the way I do, like this world isn't for me. But I'm here anyways, might as well make the most of it.

    Thank you for reading! :heart:
    Believe in me - who believes is you
    yana
  • JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,876 Extreme Poster
    Hmm. The support chat thread recently ended and I feel conflicted. It was so wholesome reading all the messages but I wish I contributed more myself, I just felt overwhelmed. I'm not sure if that's normal or if it was especially busy today but I couldn't help but compare it to me talking with people in person. Its always everyone talking and me listening, I just wish I could communicate with people like everyone else does, saying what I want when I want without thinking so slow. Its like there is something holding me back, its like I'm not myself, I always felt that way. I don't see a way to change it. Its what keeps me from going out to people and usually avoiding social situations entirely. I just tend to go home and keep all these feelings to myself (at least now I can post them here).

    I hate to admit it but yes, I'm jealous, I want to be like everyone else, I want to talk with others the way everyone does. I'm sorry...
    I just don't know what to think about it...
    Believe in me - who believes is you
    Salix_alba_2019
  • JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,876 Extreme Poster
    My tutor replied saying we can meet up to talk if I want, I don't think I'm ready. I don't even know what to talk about or where to even start, it will be so awkward especially since he will be the one teaching me from now on. I keep reaching out to people then regretting it, now I don't know what to do, it's a little too late to turn back.
    I joined a society, can't wait for me to mess that up.

    I spoke with my parents and they keep telling me there is nothing wrong with me and that I need to grow up, they just don't understand, no one does. I'm sorry for writing so much I really don't have anyone I could talk to. It hurts so much I can tell my mum is so worried about me yet there is no way I can explain all this to her.

    I'm in such a messed up place right now I really didn't know it can get worse. Why do I deserve this, why do I have to be different in every way possible, can't I just be normal at least a bit :confounded:
    Believe in me - who believes is you
  • Emma_Emma_ Community Manager Posts: 596 Incredible Poster
    Ooo what society have you joined @JJLemon18 ? It sounds exciting, and really well done for putting yourself out there, that's not easy to do, especially when we aren't feeling great in ourselves.
    My tutor replied saying we can meet up to talk if I want, I don't think I'm ready.
    It's lovely to hear that your tutor has reached out, although I can hear the worries you have about talking to them. Remember there's no pressure to share anything you don't want to. Maybe you could write down a couple of bullet points of things you might want to share with them? They might be able to support you with uni too and maybe be a bit more understanding within your classes with them.

    It can feel really scary to share things with people for the first time, and you've done such a good job here. Take things at your own pace and try to be kind to yourself. What you're going through isn't easy and you're not alone either <3
    JJLemon18
  • JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,876 Extreme Poster
    Hi @Emma_ Thank you. The thing I'm most scared about my tutor is if he starts asking questions like why I didn't attend the lectures and why I didn't reach out before (over a year of studying and and struggling and I didn't reach out for help), I just don't how to explain myself on the spot. I'm worried that this meeting will do me more trouble than good and that he will just tell me that I didn't put enough effort into studying. I feel like this is at least partly the case, but I can't turn back time.

    I joined a Polish Society, where its for people who are interested in Polish culture and traditions but its mainly social get-together events (which are one of my biggest nightmares). Maybe I thought that forcing myself to attend these events will help but I'm getting anxious just by thinking about it.

    Sending hugs!
    Believe in me - who believes is you
  • genderless_fungigenderless_fungi Moderator Posts: 156 Helping Hand
    Hey @JJLemon18 ,

    I'm sorry you're feeling worried about your meeting with your tutor. In my experience tutors are just trying to help improve your grades, there's no reason for them to judge you harshly or expect you to justify yourself for your actions. the important thing is that you're taking steps now to improve and they know that. I have some experience with being behind with my studies so I understand how worrying it feels that someone you're seeking out for help may call you out for it. Do you feel guilty about not putting much effort in your studies, as you mentioned in your post?

    You mentioned feeling out of place in social situations and I understand how meeting new people might be scary, but it's positive you got out of your comfort zone and joined a society. It seems very interesting too, are you interested in Polish culture? I'm sure it's gonna be okay, let us know how it goes <3
    FAQ | How to report a post | How to report spam
    I'm a community moderator. I'm here to help guide discussions and make sure Community Guidelines are followed. I can't send DMs, but you can message @TheMix or email [email protected] with questions or concerns.
    JJLemon18
  • JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,876 Extreme Poster
    Hey @genderless_fungi, thank you for the reply!
    Do you feel guilty about not putting much effort in your studies, as you mentioned in your post?

    Definitely. Whether it is purely my fault or if its because of my mental health or other factors I'm not sure. I keep getting the thoughts that I am actually lazy but just using mental heath as an excuse, I really really don't want this to be the case but I have no proof that this isn't true.
    are you interested in Polish culture?

    I am Polish so absolutely, in a way I am Polish culture haha. But I mainly joined as a means to meet and spend time with similar people like me.

    Take care!
    Believe in me - who believes is you
  • JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,876 Extreme Poster
    I've been feeling so much better for the past few days but now it all tumbled back downhill. I woke up today and I don't remember what happened yesterday (I mean I do but it just feels so vague as if I remember it through someone else's body), its like the days when I felt better were just a dream. I feel like I'm nothing, even when replying on other people's posts I can't really help in any way, all I can say is "I feel the same". I have no idea what to do or where to start. Even getting out of bed seems like the most difficult of tasks. Will I ever get out of this? Will I ever truly feel better?
    Believe in me - who believes is you
    yana
  • genderless_fungigenderless_fungi Moderator Posts: 156 Helping Hand
    Hey @JJLemon18,
    First of all, I want to address the fact that though it may feel like you have to help people, we don't expect anything from anyone who's part of the community. It's very positive that you've been trying to relate to other people and we're all glad whenever you engage positively with another user, but you shouldn't feel guilty or wrong for not being able to help everyone here. Your purpose here in the community is to just be, however you feel comfortable.
    Also, sometimes, though we may want to provide solutions to problems, I've noticed that simply telling someone that they're not alone in feeling a particular way can help a great deal and does provide emotional support.

    As for your feelings of guilt about studying, i can relate to that. What i personally found helpful was to try and see things from a different perspective. Procrastinating and avoiding things may usually be a product of anxiety and even though you may doubt yourself and call it laziness, regardless of whether that's true or not, it must stem from something. If you do want to go to uni and you do enjoy your degree, not being able to keep up with the study load and not giving it enough attention is already something that contradicts what you want to do. You are already showing that you'd actually like to improve and that you're feeling guilty for not being able to do that, a lazy person would be able to do things but decides not to, you do want to study more but there's something that's causing you to be unable to do that that's beyond your immediate control. That's not laziness. Everyone is doing the best they can, and studying to the detriment of one's mental health is never good, so it's okay if you feel like you can't focus on that right now, your mental health comes first.

    I'm really sorry your mood and mental health became worse, it seems like it's making you feel helpless and unable to see the future in a positive light. You mentioned feeling better a couple of days ago and from your previous posts it seems like you're facing continuous ups and downs as well as situations in both your social and university life that are very difficult to navigate. Having to deal with all this is bound to be overwhelming and I can understand how that might make you feel like the situation will not get better. You mentioned earlier that you're seeing a therapist, would you feel comfortable telling me a bit more about how you've found the experience? Do you think you could talk to her about how you're feeling?

    Take care and let us know how you're doing
    FAQ | How to report a post | How to report spam
    I'm a community moderator. I'm here to help guide discussions and make sure Community Guidelines are followed. I can't send DMs, but you can message @TheMix or email [email protected] with questions or concerns.
    JJLemon18
  • JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,876 Extreme Poster
    Hey @genderless_fungi Thank you so much for the advice!
    First of all, I want to address the fact that though it may feel like you have to help people, we don't expect anything from anyone who's part of the community.

    I know I know. But honestly it feels wrong to just talk about myself all the time, I don't like bringing attention to myself which I think is one of the reasons it took me so long to reach out for support. Also I always tend to just participate from a distance just so it feels like I'm barely taking part, I think that's what's causing me to have the feeling that I don't belong anywhere. So I want to talk about others sometimes too but I'm just not too great at that. I feel like others knowing this already makes me feel less bad about myself, just them knowing that I'm trying.

    It honestly feels like I'm at war with my own brain. The more I write the more annoying I feel and the less I write the more useless I feel, there is no in between. I just feel horrible about myself no matter what I do, I just can't help it. I'm sorry.
    You are already showing that you'd actually like to improve and that you're feeling guilty for not being able to do that, a lazy person would be able to do things but decides not to, you do want to study more but there's something that's causing you to be unable to do that that's beyond your immediate control. That's not laziness.

    Here's the thing, there isn't anything stopping me from doing things that I know will help me (eg. going for a walk everyday), I just don't do it, I dont know why. Its like there's something stopping me mentally that I just can't understand. Its like I am able to do it, I want to do it, but somehow decide not to.
    You mentioned earlier that you're seeing a therapist, would you feel comfortable telling me a bit more about how you've found the experience?

    Well not yet, I will be seeing them after the Easter break I hope. I was at an assessment appointment with one of them where they asked me questions and decided whether or not I will get therapy, they decided I will but the waiting list is long so they recommended The Mix as a means of coping in the meantime.
    I also talked about another lady that started all this who I went to meet in regards to a situation completely unrelated to my mental health, but she saw that I wasn't feeling too well so she suggested that I apply for the assessment appointment.

    So in the end the only support I have at the moment is here...

    Thank you so much for the reply again, I really appreciate it! I hope this made at least a little sense, I honestly don't expect anyone to fully understand my thoughts, not even I do.
    Believe in me - who believes is you
    yana
  • JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,876 Extreme Poster
    JJLemon18 wrote: »
    You mentioned earlier that you're seeing a therapist, would you feel comfortable telling me a bit more about how you've found the experience?

    Well not yet, I will be seeing them after the Easter break I hope.

    Update: I just got an email saying my sessions will be starting this week Thursday, I'm both happy and terrified. I'm not prepared for it and I'm getting anxious just by thinking about it.
    Believe in me - who believes is you
  • SpaceOtterSpaceOtter Community Champion Posts: 701 Part of The Mix Family
    Sending lots of hugs @JJLemon18

    Im really happy youll be starting sessions soon but i understand how nerve wracking that is.

    Would it help to write down a list of how youre feeling and how things have been for you? It might help make you feel more confortable talking to the person.

    Is there anything that could help you relax in tge meantime like watcbing your favourite tv show or going for walks? I often write everything down then do something distracting like play video games.

    Sending lots of hugs <3
    You're awesome!
    JJLemon18
  • JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,876 Extreme Poster
    Thank you for the advice @SpaceOtter.

    I started writing a list but I'm already overthinking it because I'm worrying about what I want to say first, what is more important and what is unnecessary. I also have so many things I want to say that I'm unsure whether making a list is all that beneficial. I will be going there to receive support I hope and not to cross something of a list.

    I mainly distract myself with video games too, but I'm scared I'm overdoing it. I started to play games for so long that there have been days where I've done nothing beside playing games. Its like I'm avoiding reality by hiding myself in virtual world and that seems really scary to me, especially how fast time flies while playing games. At least I enjoy it I guess.

    I hope you are well. Sending hugs! :heart:
    Believe in me - who believes is you
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