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My story - what actually happened (TW: mention of SA)

Past UserPast User Definition of a mental mess and a certified lost cause :)EnglandPosts: 0 Just got here
edited January 2023 in Health & Wellbeing
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  • Past UserPast User Definition of a mental mess and a certified lost cause :) EnglandPosts: 0 Just got here
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  • spoonspoon Posts: 375 Listening Ear
    You are really brave and I want you to know that none of this is your fault. You didn't ruin anything, your dad did, and your family for not believing you about something very traumatic. You were just a kid, how should you know how to talk about this? Especially when it was your dad, someone who should have taken care of you, someone you may have looked up to.

    Well done for fighting <3
    Whats a signatureeeww
  • Past UserPast User Definition of a mental mess and a certified lost cause :) EnglandPosts: 0 Just got here
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  • sinead276sinead276 Posts: 1,026 Wise Owl
    Just also wanted to say I'm so sorry this happened to you and it most definitely is NOT your fault in any way at all.

    Secondly, I think you are really brave for being able to speak up about it to us here on the mix - it takes a lot of courage to do that

    Remember to keep fighting and we are all here for you and on your side
    Sending hugs
    Sinead :blush:
  • Past UserPast User Definition of a mental mess and a certified lost cause :) EnglandPosts: 0 Just got here
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  • genderless_fungigenderless_fungi Moderator Posts: 155 Helping Hand
    Hey @LorryTruck
    I'm sorry you've been having a hard time, I agree with the others in saying you shouldn't blame yourself and that the blame for what happened to you falls 100% on your father.

    It is very brave of you to open up about it and that you started looking for help in several different ways (though your school, CAMHS, and this discussion board as well). Most survivors of SA feel shame and blame and guilt for something that was done by someone else and it seems to me that you feel like you are to blame because of the circumstances around your father abusing you; for example, you said that you could have stopped him when he came back home drunk that day or that you could have confronted him.

    However, that does not change what he did and could very well not have changed what happened. Maybe it could be helpful to think about it in different terms: he got accused of SA not because of something that could possibly have happened and didn't, but as a direct consequence of his own actions. The sexual assault you've been a victim of is the reason why the situation is the way it is right now. The effect this had on your family and mental health is not because of what you didn't do, but because of what he did.

    I'm very sorry that your family is not supporting you through all of this and I'm happy you're finally getting the help you deserve through therapy. You mentioned that you still have a week to go before starting your therapy so I'm gonna link a resource that might be helpful to you in case of a crisis or just if you need someone to talk to while you wait.

    -There’s an organisation called Rape Crisis which offers emotional support and information for women and girls over the age of 16 years, who are survivors of rape or childhood sexual abuse. They also have self help resources available on their website www.rapecrisis.org.uk and can help you find your local Rape Crisis Centre. The national helpline is open every day, from 12pm-2.30pm and 7pm-9.30pm. You can call them on 0808 802 9999 or go to their website to access their webchat service with details on their opening times

    We're here to help so feel free to keep using the discussion boards as well to let us know how you've been holding up or just if you need any type of support from us <3
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  • Past UserPast User Definition of a mental mess and a certified lost cause :) EnglandPosts: 0 Just got here
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  • Past UserPast User Definition of a mental mess and a certified lost cause :) EnglandPosts: 0 Just got here
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  • JustVJustV Community Manager Posts: 5,301 Part of The Furniture
    edited February 2023
    The effect this had on your family and mental health is not because of what you didn't do, but because of what he did.
    👆👆

    I think I understand where you're coming from @LorryTruck - it's easy to see something as your fault when bad things seem to follow your actions. For example if someone becomes upset or people fall out because you decide to tell someone about your trauma. You could say "well I told them (or this situation is about me) so their negative reaction is therefore my fault".

    I want to offer a different perspective though. It wasn't your decision to tell people that hurt your family or caused these problems, it was the events they learned about. If my neighbour called me and said someone had broken into my house, the thing that would upset me is my house being broken into, not that my neighbour decided to tell me. In this case, your family hurting because they know what happened isn't the fault of the person who told them (you) - it all circles back to your dad.

    Also, we can get really blinkered when we're looking at our own personal lives and we're a lot harsher on ourselves than we would be on other people. I wonder what you would say to someone else in this exact situation? I doubt very much you would assign any blame at all to them. I imagine you would be much kinder to other people with these experiences than you're being to yourself right now, and there might be some lessons in that. :)

    It also doesn't help that society generally likes to victim blame people for their trauma, and feeling guilty about these things is suuuper common. What you're feeling is valid and I might feel the same in your position. I suppose I just want to highlight the other side to it.
    LorryTruck wrote: »
    Speaking of: are you getting any kind of therapy or counselling?
    I was getting counselling, but the counsellor isn't going to be in for a while. I've been referred to CAMHS for 16 - 17 year olds. I was also referred to a sexual abuse charity but apparently the waiting list for it is very long, which is sad because that means so many people have gone through the same thing as me if not worse. I was referred as "Urgent" so I have been seen. I'm getting a call from CBT next week and then I should be in therapy hopefully.
    That sounds promising LT, although I can appreciate needing to wait sucks regardless. Fingers crossed for you - I really hope you find some useful support.

    I also want to say that it's pretty fair to feel like this has ruined your life. There's no getting around it - trauma affects us in big ways and can derail our life for a while. It's a really good thing that you've started your recovery journey by opening up and, even if it gets worse before it gets better, you're on that road now, which means every step you take is progress. :star:
    All behaviour is a need trying to be met.
  • Past UserPast User Definition of a mental mess and a certified lost cause :) EnglandPosts: 0 Just got here
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  • Ed_Ed_ Moderator Posts: 1,551 Extreme Poster
    Hey @LorryTruck - you are doing so well in talking about this.

    When people experience something traumatic, our brains can go through a load of different things to try and process the pain we have experienced, and so feeling like a burden can be a part of that. Trust me though, you are anything but a burden.

    Trauma is not a competition; the pain we feel in any situation is valid, regardless of whether there may be one other person in the 8 billion others on this planet that has it 'worse'.

    On the bit about them asking you what kind of support, do you feel able to ask them how they feel they can help you? Or perhaps talking through the things you want to change, as that may help them work out the best approach to support.

    Remember, none of this is your fault. You have gone through something no one should have experienced. There may be times where you do blame yourself, and that is something many people experience, but this is likely the trauma talking. At these times, try to put your trust in all the people telling you that it could never be your fault.

    We are all here for you, take your time and know that we will be with you every step of the way ☺️
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  • Past UserPast User Definition of a mental mess and a certified lost cause :) EnglandPosts: 0 Just got here
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  • genderless_fungigenderless_fungi Moderator Posts: 155 Helping Hand
    Hey @LorryTruck

    You are definitely not beyond help, no one is. I understand feeling confused by such an open question, especially since it's your first experience with these types of mental health services.

    I myself am not overly familiar with the process, however I do find it pretty hard to verbalise my needs and wants and what i find helpful is trying to break them down into broad categories. If you're not sure how to make sense of the support you might want yet when it comes to taking care your mental health, try tackling practical things first that you would like to be addressed.

    Also, don't feel pressured to give a clear answer straight away, it's ok to let them know what your doubts are and to want to know more about the type of help and resources they can offer in your situation. This experience has been very traumatic, it's normal not to have all the answers and I'm sure they know that as well.
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  • Past UserPast User Definition of a mental mess and a certified lost cause :) EnglandPosts: 0 Just got here
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  • RenPRenP Posts: 203 Trailblazer
    @LorryTruck

    Your post has really moved me too. Reading through everything, I just want to say not only that I reiterate what every single person has said in reply, but also that you are so exceptionally strong to have been through what you have. The fact you have been able to open up about this, no matter when it was, and how you have said you are still fighting, is incredibly inspiring to read.

    You have spoken with such authenticity, such integrity and really bared your soul with this which I can imagine would have been an uncomfortable thing for you.

    You are never expected by anyone to get over it, and if anyone ever tells you this or makes you feel this way then they couldn't be more wrong. Never apologise for speaking your truth, or for a post you feel is too long. We are a community, and we are here for support. We got you.

    Thank you for sharing this with us, genuinely.

    <3
  • Past UserPast User Definition of a mental mess and a certified lost cause :) EnglandPosts: 0 Just got here
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  • RenPRenP Posts: 203 Trailblazer
    @LorryTruck

    I'm sorry to hear it's a hard time for you at the moment <3 Is there anything you can do to support yourself, anywhere you can go for support, or anything we as the mix can do to support you?

    Would you feel comfortable sharing how you feel approaching this time? No pressure at all.

    Take care x
  • Past UserPast User Definition of a mental mess and a certified lost cause :) EnglandPosts: 0 Just got here
    edited February 2023
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  • AislingDMAislingDM Moderator Posts: 1,666 Extreme Poster
    edited February 2023
    I just wanted to completely agree with the points others have already made that you are an immensely brave person @LorryTruck <3 I cannot even begin to imagine the depths of pain that this ongoing trauma has caused you and the fact that you have been made to feel guilty for finding the space to speak out against what you know to be wrong is simply awful. :(

    I know each of these experiences are deeply painful in many ways, I can't help but be drawn to the points you make about being dismissed and ignored when you have been courageous enough to open up. Talking about what has happened must have been such a mentally-draining task and even reaching the decision to do this must have taken a lot out of you. And, instead of being met with kindness, love and support, people in your family have taken to blaming you for 'ruining things'. It's no wonder that has begun a further spiral of self-blame.

    I want you to always know that we believe you, unequivocally, with no doubt in our minds. Not only that, we are beyond grateful to you for your honesty and simply so proud of the time and effort you have taken to write this insightful, yet devastating post. You are a wonderful person with so much care and compassion and we will be here no matter what to talk to you, okay?

    I'm really thankful that you are safe right now, equally with everything that has been burdening your mind and body these past months (and years) it's no wonder you just wanted to escape it all. When you feel up to talking about what happened, I'd be very glad to hear from you?

    Huge hugs does not even begin to cover it, but I hope you know how proud I am of you <3 xxx
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  • RenPRenP Posts: 203 Trailblazer
    edited February 2023
    @LorryTruck

    We all believe you <3

    Can I ask you, if it's not too traumatic to think about, do you remember what went through your mind when you tried to end your life? Alternatively, what it was that prevented you before the woman came? No pressure to answer those questions.

    That's really frustrating about your social worker, I get it, if that's not an emergency then what is? I had a similar situation back when I was trying to get free counselling and was suicidal, and they just never got back to me, after trying twice. It can feel like you are not worthy. Your social worker also shouldn't be saying that to you as it's incredibly unprofessional. Is there anyone you can go to other than your social worker?

    So I guess that anniversary that was coming up in 10 days was yesterday, well done for getting through it <3 how are you feeling now?
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  • Past UserPast User Definition of a mental mess and a certified lost cause :) EnglandPosts: 0 Just got here
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  • SpaceOtterSpaceOtter Community Champion Posts: 816 Part of The Mix Family
    Hi Lorry truck. I cant offer any advice, i just wanted say we all believe you. And you shpuld be really proud of yourself for reaching out and continuing to express yourself here too. Im sending lots of hugs and im always happy to listen if you ever need anything <3

    How do you feel about the meeting if you dont mind me asking?

    Sending hugs <3
    You're awesome!
  • AislingDMAislingDM Moderator Posts: 1,666 Extreme Poster
    Honestly, it's simply the truth @LorryTruck <3 Having you on here makes so many people happy, not just because we are thankful you are making so much effort to cope each day, but also the way you support others and never falter, no matter how much pain you yourself are in! It really is a gift.

    1000% that makes total sense, I mean after making such an important and scary disclosure to the people in your life, the least you can expect is that they'd believe you, without question. It must have been so deeply disheartening to hear the disbelief in their voice. I can't even imagine the pain that must have struck within you. I think it just makes it all the more amazing that you were able to talk to us on here, because not being able to predict people's response to this type of trauma can be in and of itself re-traumatising, right?

    Given all of this, it's no wonder you were left feeling like the anguish was so immensely inescapable. Feeling like ending your life would be a way to escape it is understandable. Of course, I am very grateful to the woman who spoke to you, equally I know one short convo does not totally 'fix' the cause of your pain. And I think this completely feeds onto the extremely significant point you make, why are you not being prioritised sufficiently? You are in so much pain and it must feel like your world is crashing around you, yet your social worker is too busy with 'emergency cases' and of course, you are so right, everyone deserves care. Yet, hearing that others are more 'emergent' than you doesn't exactly validate your pain or make you feel understood, does it?

    This must be so extremely frustrating and exhausting, making every effort to reach out and gain the support you deserve, yet people are not truly seeing you for who you are. :(

    I wonder, when do you feel the most supported? xx

    (Once again the biggest hugs I can give <3)
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