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BPD and unmedicated
Salix_alba_2019
Deactivated Posts: 1,646 Extreme Poster
This is hard. I want to SH so so bad I've been disociating from the urges. I even went over my DBT folder but it's too intense this time. I spent my days tired, scared and hating myself I just want a peace of mind. I don't want to upset or worry anyone but I keep thinking of ending it all just I can have peace, it's too hard.
I'm safe
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Noticed you posted this quite late - how was your night in the end? Did you get much sleep?
I also want to acknowledge the really considerate way you shared that you were having thoughts of suicide in this post. You did the right thing to get that out, and I know there's never a time where it feels easy to release those thoughts into the world. Have you told anyone else? Either mental health / crisis services or someone close to you personally?
For what it's worth, I really get that thing of wanting peace. Most people who have experience of depression or any of these things can probably relate to how exhausting it is, how loud your brain constantly feels, and how much you just want it to stop - even just for a moment. It's rough and I want to remind you that it's an achievement to stay engaged with it and to keep reaching out. You're doing well, even if it feels like you're trying to walk through treacle.
I always feel guilty for saying that I've been feeling suicidal. I haven't told anyone at all, not even my partner or crisis when I called. It's so hard to talk about because I don't want to upset anyone. I've cried on the phone to my best friends when they've mentioned really endearing things about me in their future unbeknown that I couldn't see myself that far ahead. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that someone loved me so much that they made me a part of their story.
You're spot on, we all just want a break from the constant noise and for all the pain to stop.
It is really positive to hear you think you ended up getting enough sleep. Though, it sounds frustrating that your sleep pattern has been destroyed.
You have done so well telling us how you are feeling and what you are experiencing! Especially as this is not something you have felt comfortable sharing with other people.
What might help this to feel more manageable for you at the moment? We are all listening to you if you would like to share more with us.
Sending you hugs! As I say, we are all here for you and care about you. Please feel free to keep us updated with how you are doing
I made an informed decision to work a night rota but it's coming to an end as I don't think it's sustainable in the long run. Sleep is one of the biggest factor that often my stability as does does for a lot of people. I feel likenim still trying to adjust my circadian rhythm which is a reall pain, my body keeps trying to revert to day shift.
I try to talk where I can without setting off alarm bells. I haven't been 100% or explicitly told anyone about how suicidal I've been feeling, perhaps I will when I pluck up the courage. Part of me is scared of what will happen and part of me wants to live and the other part has a very ingrained mindset that I'd be better off gone. It's awful I know and I don't want to get into it. It's hard to ask for help when you feel like the right thing to do is commit suicide.
Again thank you for your time
I know Mike mentioned about crisis lines , how do you feel about possibly reaching out for them in the future ? I know it can be worrying … I know I’ve certainly had some anxieties around speaking to them before .
You mentioned in the title about being unmediated, was that a decision you made or have you just never been on medication. Do you think medication is something you might Benifit from ?
Ps super proud of you each day 💜
I've been trying to reach out to them a bit more to not make people around me worry so much. My MH appointment is far away so I'll just have to make do in the mean time.
I was on meds for about 3 years and then I decided to come off them as they eventually stopped working and I didn't want not keep going up dose when I knew that I had to work on what was going on inside
It sounds tough that your meds eventually stopped working. Though, I can hear that wanting to work on what was going on inside played a role in this too. Have you managed to talk to anyone else about this, such as your GP?
Please feel free to keep us in the loop with how you are doing, we are all here for you
Apologies for the late reply,
I had an appointment on the 10th for my physical health and it turned into a mental health appointment too. When the lady asked about how I'd been feeling, I was honest and she didn't hold back on telling me that I needed to call the MH urgently.
I called the crisis team today to see if I could get my MH health assessment moved forward but I ended up calling out of hours so that failed lol.
I can hear that your appointment on the 10th for your physical health turned into a mental health appointment too. How are you feeling about that and being told you needed to call the MH urgently?
It sounds positive that you were honest about how you had been feeling. That shows a lot of courage and strength.
Good luck with getting your MH health assessment moved forward. Do you know when you might be able to call them again to get your MH health assessment moved forward?
Please feel free to let us know how you are doing. We are all here for you