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Anorexia relapse (TW)
Former Member
Posts: 117 The Mix Convert
Hi,
Just looking for some advice.
TW: restricting, weight (no numbers), calories (no numbers), purging
Message below- thanks!
Aj xx
Just looking for some advice.
TW: restricting, weight (no numbers), calories (no numbers), purging
Message below- thanks!
Aj xx
Hi, so basically I’ve struggled with anorexia for the past 3 years, but hit weight recovery about a year ago and since then it’s all been going fairly uphill with my eating. I reached a point where I was happy with my body (small victories like wearing a crop top!) and still sort of am but have ended up slipping back into old habits.
The last month and a half I’ve been hiding how bad things have got from my roommate (who have their own struggles with eating). Ive been purging in secret, taking excessive amounts of laxatives again and restricting very heavily. Ive also started calorie counting which I never had done before. Ive being tracking literally every morsel and have ended up with an app counting but otherwise do it in my head.
I know how much of w slippery slope this is, but the truth is I don’t know if I want to stop. I’m scared. I have emailed my GP and told her what’s going on but I’m scared that because I am at the higher end of a healthy weight they won’t take me seriously. I don’t really know what to do.
Any advice welcome!
Aj xx
The last month and a half I’ve been hiding how bad things have got from my roommate (who have their own struggles with eating). Ive been purging in secret, taking excessive amounts of laxatives again and restricting very heavily. Ive also started calorie counting which I never had done before. Ive being tracking literally every morsel and have ended up with an app counting but otherwise do it in my head.
I know how much of w slippery slope this is, but the truth is I don’t know if I want to stop. I’m scared. I have emailed my GP and told her what’s going on but I’m scared that because I am at the higher end of a healthy weight they won’t take me seriously. I don’t really know what to do.
Any advice welcome!
Aj xx
Post edited by JustV on
6
Comments
It’s incredibly brave of you to share what you’re going through right now with us, thank you for being so honest, it can’t have been easy - particularly emailing your GP to let them know too. Although you said you don’t know if you want to stop, it sounds to me like you know that it will be better for you if you do. Maybe that’s why you have reached out here and to your GP?
I’m not an expert on EDs but I know anorexia is extremely complex and individual so I’m not going to say I understand how you are feeling, but it sounds like you are very self aware and brave enough to admit you are struggling right now, which feels like the first step 💜 do you think you will speak to your doctor about it properly?
Take good care
Lucy
Thanks for your reply 😊
I guess I’m trying to reach out which must mean I want help, I think I’m just scared of getting help and stopping the behaviours which are keeping me sane.
I’ve decided I’m going to try and speak to my GP today and raise it with my therapist too. I’m just really scared about what they’re going to think.
Thanks,
AJ x
(Sorry if this came across patronising I just know how nerve wrecking it can be to open up about things)
Your therapist and gp are there to help not judge, I’m sure they’ll just be happy you’re reaching out. And remember we’re always here if you ever need someone to listen. We’re cheering you on aj and we’re proud of you.
Sending lots of hugs
Thanks for your sweet messages, I really appreciate it.
Just to say, I ended up having to speak to a GP yesterday (not my GP which was a little nerve wracking) as I had a fainting episode because of my eating. Then my roommate had to call an ambulance in the evening because I blacked out. So it's been a bit scary but getting some help. The GP has put me on quite a strict meal plan for the next few days which i haven't really been abiding by because its too stressful and I am getting panicked if I go above a certain number of calories. I am sort of beginning to acknowlege how ill I actually am and that its not reliant on my weight.
AJ x
just need to rant again. my eating has been terrible still and I’m barely managing a meal a day still.
I went to the GP yesterday who said they were really concerned about my calorie intake. which is worrying I guess. and she said the worst part was probably my dehydration because I’m really struggling with taking in fluids and by purging I’m losing a lot of water. so actually any times on how to drink more when you are finding it tricky bc of ed thoughts would be amazing.
i then found out my weight which is bloody terrifying me. i am overweight according to bmi which isn’t helping because now i feel i have to lose weight but don’t know how to do it healthily. and because of my weight ed services probably won’t accept me which is horrid because i need support. just because i got to a good place doesn’t mean i’m in one now.
i am just very overwhelmed and anxious. and i am staying at my godmothers a few days which means i have to eat because of her kids. and i just can’t do it. it’s so bad i am making excuses to not eat just so i don’t have to face it.
hugs, advice and animal pics would be much appreciated
AJ x
Thank you for continuing to be so honest with us. I know it cannot be easy, but your honest posts show your strength of character, and you should be proud of yourself
As someone who struggles with their food and weight, I know how terrifying seeing the scales can be
Motivating myself to do 20 minutes of exercise and drinking a bit more water helps me on the difficult days. I have a bottle with timepoints on it, and use that to drink a healthy amount of water over the day, which prevents dehydration and means I'm not drinking sugary drinks. It's super important that everything is done in a healthy and positive way though
People should never expect you to have just 'gotten over it' and that support and understanding should be there for you throughout your recovery journey
Recovery from anything is never linear, but you are showing real courage and strength
Don't worry we are always here for you if you need to rant
I understand you are feeling overwhelmed and anxious. When I am struggling with my mental health it always helps me to try and put my focus into something else. Do you have any hobbies? I particularly find listening to music while colouring in colouring books really soothing. It helps to distract me a little. I know feelings can feel all encompassing but maybe give something a go when your feel really overwhelmed and anxious and see if it helps?
As has been mentioned the BEAT website may be really helpful and they even have a helpline if you want to speak to someone about your struggles with eating.
Keep talking to your GP and therapist, they are there for you and can help you find the right ways to be healthy. You are doing so well and the fact you are talking with us and your GP and therapist should show you that you have the determination to manage this.
Sending massive hugs
Remember we are always here for you
Hope everyone is okay and enjoying the weather.
Just an update. I’ve been in hospital (still am) tonight because of dehydration- I’d not drink anything since yesterday and I won’t go into the details about the other stuff! The gp said I needed to go to a&e. I’m just about to get hooked up to a drip. And I’m just really scared that it’s got this bad. I don’t know how to fix it anymore. It’s not as simple as just drink. A bottle of time points does sound good though. I might try that.
Beat has been fantastic, thanks for the recommendation!
Aj x
I am new to this community but wanted to reach out and let you know that we are all behind you! Things will get better and Im sure things don't feel right at the minute but you will get there. I have also read through the thread and noticed you looked into BMI, please try to not get fixated on this because there is so much research showing that this is not a crucial aspect to being 'healthy'. For your as dehydration I would recommend trying to distract your mind with something you enjoy such as music, meditation or a warm bath and sipping on water when you can so that you don't feel too overwhelmed:)
I hope this helps and I'm wishing you the best of luck with your recovery!
Jade x
Thanks for all being so supportive 🥺💜
Another update! I’m back home now after last night. I was on a drip for a little while then sent home and told to ‘just drink’.
I’ve done a bit better on the hydration front today!! Still not enough I know but an improvement. Unfortunately I fainted again though.
We tried going out for dinner tonight which was terrifying. I feel angry at myself as I got what I thought was the lowest calorie thing, rather than what I wanted. And then I panicked because I couldn’t find the nutritional info online so have convinced myself I ate about 2 billion calories (ik ridiculous). And then after all ended up purging so now feeling ill and sad which is not a good combination.
Hope everyone is doing okay
AJ x
I am new here too but i just want to give you a hug.
That is amazing progress, which reminds me I need to drink more water. I know it might not be helpful but I find myself drinking a lot more water if it is in a nice cup or water bottle so try switching up your mugs, glasses or even try a cute mason jar to encourage drinking water. I used to count my calories too and it just consumed me. My first ever scale I brought was for my calorie counting. I had the same issue when I couldn’t find the calories of a food I would make it up and then convinced myself I was going over the daily intake. I learnt that I need to enjoy food and experience of eating. I hope this helps.
Michelle
I've been having a read through and first of all want to say how proud I am of you for going to the GP and getting some help. It's a hard first step to make and I'm glad you've done it!
I understand how hard it must be for you. I struggled with disordered eating for a quite a few years, and found it really difficult to stop the patterns around food that I had created. I'm glad that you were treated, and have been trying to drink more too!
I'm sorry that you experienced that yesterday too. My relationship with food took me ages and lots of battles to try and fix. How are you feeling today??
And after your trip to A&E, would you try to contact the GP again? I'm not sure on what they can do for you, as I never experienced this exact issue myself, but sometimes if you keep pestering them, they try to do something?
You also mentioned your therapist earlier on in the thread. Did you tell her about this? I'm wondering if she could provide you with some support over this. It's something I brought to my therapist when I was seeing her, and I found her very supportive and helpful in trying to overcome my relationship with food.
It's great to hear that you're back at home now. It must be so frustrating when people tell you to 'just drink' but I can tell you are trying so hard and you are making great progress.
Try not to feel too angry at yourself for choosing the lowest calorie option, I know eating out can be really challenging and you are trying so hard. Try to be kind to yourself.
As has been mentioned, it's a good idea to keep speaking to your GP so they can keep giving you support.
Please keep looking after yourself, you are worth it
Had a difficult day again. I went to see the GP nurse for some dressing changes for my self harm. I fainted again while I was there and then was sick. The nurse sent me home (given I live just round the corner) and told me to call back if anything got any worse. Which it sadly did because I was both sick and fainted again. Really struggling to eat still and it’s not good.
Any ideas on how to get some energy in easily? Someone recommended dextrose energy tablets? I just need to stop fainting.
Aj x
It's tough for me to give concrete advice with this, since I don't have a whole lot of experience with anorexia, but if you can get yourself to eat or drink things with a lot of sugar in them that should help you stop fainting as much. If you can't face eating anything then drinking things with lots of sugar and caffine in them is an option too, like soft drinks or energy drinks.
Please keep on updating us with how you're doing AJ I know a lot of people here on the boards are rooting for you!
Another update for you all!
I had an ambulance out the other night because I fainted and hit my head. Lucky to get off with a mild concussion. It was very scary. Since then I’ve got a bit better at drinking, though still not enough.
Thanks for the idea of energy drinks @Riley. At least if it tastes nice it’s easier to drink.
I made a bit of a plan with my friend/mentor (she helped me so much during my first bout of anorexia) to start to tackle the harder stuff. And I think I’m going to get a dietitian. So fingers crossed everything starts to help.
Aj x
I'm sorry to hear how the last couple days have been. You sound like you're trying your best and I'm proud of you for trying.
How have you been drinking water so far? I'm also thinking maybe smaller glasses would help you to drink more? Or a straw? I find bigger glasses harder to finish, and a straw usually helps me drink more as it's easier for me.
I wish you the best. Thank you for updating us. I hope the plan goes well and this plan works out
I just wanted to chip in with a gentle reminder about the eating guidelines. It's obvious everyone here is doing their best to have this conversation in a healthy way and that nobody deliberately strayed outside the guidelines, but did we need to make some edits in this thread.
The key thing is that we avoid discussion of what or how much someone is consuming. There were a few comments here about certain foods and drinks, amounts, and meal timings. These kinds of conversations can be okay from a healthy eating perspective, but in the context of disordered eating, it's best to stick to the emotional and mental side and avoid those practical details. The reason for that is just to prevent other folks making comparisons and to avoid potential triggers.
Here are the eating disorder guidelines in full (found in About This Forum (Health & Wellbeing)):
The eating guidelines are more tricky than our other guidelines to judge though, so no worries and drop @TheMix a message if you want to clarify anything or check a post before sending.
Loving the amount of support in this thread - y'all are awesome.
Sorry I’ve been AWOL- was in hospital for an overdose this week unfortunately so been very worn out since I got back.
Food wise things aren’t looking much better. I’m still restricting and purging a lot and my therapist is feeling out of her depth trying to help me. I feel terrible that I can’t just get it under control. I’m managing to drink more but the GP says I’m still dehydrated and that’s what’s causing most of my fainting and other symptoms. It just. Feels so overwhelming to try even more than I already am. And food is just hard. My GP said I had to drink more the less I’m eating (apparently most of our moisture comes from food) so that’s hard too.
I’m not really sure where to start with my eating. Someone told me to just throw myself in the deep end and do the recommended 3 meals and snacks but I can’t manage much at all and it all feels a little daunting.
I’m away for the weekend too which puts a lot of pressure on me to eat and I don’t know how to manage that really.
So as usual advice, hugs and animal pics welcome!
AJ x
P.S. Thanks @Mike for the reminder
I'm sorry to hear how much you are struggling, sending the biggest hugs your way
You said you feel terrible that you can't get the situation under control but please don't be so hard on yourself. We can all see how hard you are fighting and you said yourself that you are drinking more. While you still may not be drinking enough, you should still recognise how big an achievement drinking more is. I find it helpful to look for the tiny wins when I am struggling, because every little step means so much and celebrating each little win can make it easier to take the next step. Try and reward yourself for every little win that you achieve, watch your favourite tv show, listen to the music you love. This might boost your mood and help distract you from any negative thoughts.
If you do want to throw yourself in at the deep end I know it can be daunting as you have said, and that's totally true. But I like to think that the most rewarding things come to us when we feel lost and out of our comfort zone. There are many things in life that we will never feel ready to do but we have to just take that leap of faith. One of my favourite quotes is: 'What if I fall?', 'Oh but my darling, what if you fly?'
How are you feeling after this weekend?
Sorry for going AWOL again for a bit! I’ve been moving flat so it’s all a little stressful and I’ve been having a lot of difficulties with my depression too.
My eating has been mixed. Actually no, it’s just been bad- I’ve been skipping meals and trying to avoid my roommate noticing, my purging is much worse, my fluids are down again, and when I have to eat I start to panic and have had a lot of bad panic attacks. The good thing is I have an initial appointment with a dietician tomorrow. I’m really scared but hoping it will help.
I’ve also had a difficult time with my therapist so have decided to quit and find someone new. She was very insensitive about my eating and did some things that triggered me a lot with my anorexia (it’s not appropriate to go into details). And on top of that she did something that triggered flashbacks because of my physical and sexual abuse. So I decided I have to move on. Which has left me with a bit of a gap in support. So I’m quite scared.
Hope everyone is okay!
Aj x
It's good to hear from you
I can imagine that moving flat must be so stressful and you said you are having difficulties with your depression as well which must be a lot to deal with at once.
I'm sorry to hear that your eating hasn't been great. You say you have been having bad panic attacks so I think it is so important that you are being kind to yourself. Please make sure that you are looking after yourself after your panic attacks, do the things that you love and enjoy because you deserve it. Then hopefully you can look at the causes and coping mechanisms for your panic attacks with your new therapist. I understand that you are scared about a gap in your support but there is always someone you can talk to if you need to. The mix have a range of ways you can contact them from live chat to calls https://www.themix.org.uk/get-support/speak-to-our-team and more specifically eating disorder related are BEAT who can be contacted on 08088010677
It sounds great that you are having an appointment with a dietician. I know you are scared but I can see that you are really brave and determined to get better and I hope you can also see that this is a really positive step towards a better future.
Sending hugs
I saw the dietician which was actually really helpful. She drew me up a meal plan which is really hard to follow but I’m trying my best. I’m really struggling being away again and often eating out/takeaway. Plus the people I’m staying with have different brands of stuff to what I usually eat which is terrifying because I base stuff on calories a lot.
Found two new therapists to see who might be able to help best. Speaking to them next week.
Lots of love,
Aj x
Just want to say I am super proud of you for going to the dietician and speaking to the therapists next week. I'm really glad that you found seeing the dietician helpful.
You said that eating out/ takeaways and following your meal plan has been tough, but it's great to hear that you are trying your best. I understand that this will not be easy at all, but I like to remember the saying that diamonds are made when they are put under pressure- it might be really cheesy but it reminds me that going through tough times can lead to really beautiful outcomes.
Keep going and remember we are always here if you need a rant