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My mental pain (might be tw)
Past User
Definition of a mental mess and a certified lost cause :)EnglandPosts: 0 Just got here
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You mentioned feeling unable to tell your counsellor about traumatic experiences (and this makes sense given how difficult being vulnerable in this way can be) I'm wondering if you'd like to talk some more about what makes you say "I don't want to fuck up now."? (It's more than okay not to expand on this if you don't feel comfortable to).
You also talked a little about your boyfriend and worrying that he hates you, I'm hearing that this worry is linked to you not talking to him, is this right?
Right now, you're having to process so many intense feelings, on top of having experienced such trauma in the past. Having to deal with all this is not something that should be expected of anyone, let alone to shoulder it largely alone. You deserve to know peace and calm (especially for sleeping!) I really appreciate you being so open and I want you to know that from what I know of you, you are a kind and compassionate person who is deserving of love and support, not invalidation and a lack of understanding! Big hugs from me babe
(I hope this link does not come across as patronising, I just thought this person's story might resonate with you in some ways
https://gal-dem.com/self-harm-awareness-attention-seeking/
I get what you mean like sharing the whole truth of every trauma you have experienced is deeply terrifying and the fact you've even been able to share some is truly commendable. Being open in this way is big and it makes sense to be 'wary' of things becoming messed up from revealing more, especially when you're worried about what peers might say. I'm curious, how do you feel towards your counsellor?
In terms of your bf, that sounds immensely tough, and it's very understandable to be worrying about this, especially as you say, it has been silence since coming back from third lockdown. I'm wondering how the not talking makes you feel? (aside from worried he hates you - feel free to ignore this one
To start things off: to see you share your experience is incredibly brave and we are all here for you.
I complicate a lot of things for myself - I mess up a lot, I'm constantly on edge with other people, I fight people that try to help me, I fight people that shows compassion towards me. I wake up and I'm prepared to have a breakdown or some kind of emotional episode because that's the only thing I have going for myself at that point. And I don't want to go through that cycle again. My emotions are all over the place - extreme opposites of each other. I could be this happy, chippy person and boom - I'm Moody Margaret.
When I feel in a very emotionally vulnerable state, I isolate myself. Sometimes, I'd even go to the extent of lying. I hurt people with my actions. I do all of this because, honestly, I'm scared. I'm scared that if I shared my thoughts, my experiences, my trauma, it will mess everything up, I'm putting myself in a position that may completely bite me in the ass. I'm scared of being loved because someday, they'll have enough of me and leave me. I struggle to constantly to take care of myself for weeks because I feel disgusted with myself. Sleeping schedule is very erratic - often affected depending on my mood and situation.
This: I understand completely.
Everyone around have a perspective on something/someone and sometimes it doesn't always make sense. The way that you see yourself will be different to the way that people perceive you. They see something in you that you may not recognize yourself and that can be really difficult to see that when you're going through a lot of shit. Some people may not have nice things to say about you but that's them. Their opinions don't define you.
Another thing: some people are not going to understand what you're going through, even if you've pretty much repeated yourself to death. They'll assume, they'll jump quick to conclusions, they'll make their own judgements - easy to latch on, hard to let go. And it's a really ugly cycle. One thing to keep in mind is that regardless of what people say, only you know what's going on with you. Even if you don't have the answers, you're aware of what's happening. You're aware of your emotions, your actions, your mindset, etc. People that are quick to tell you that you're faking, etc, that's not you.
Speaking from personal experience, I believe that to be okay with yourself, be okay with accepting the most difficult parts about yourself.
For instance, I accept that:
- I struggle with suicidal thoughts
- I have really nasty thoughts about people when I'm incredibly upset/angry
- I lie to people when I panic/I'm scared/I lose trust.
- I have depression that lasts me for weeks.
- I constantly struggle take care of my personal needs.
It's not easy to admit that out loud but once you recognize the difficult part of yourself - I find it helpful to see the reason why and what you can do to change that around. It's not easy. It's painful. It's stressful. But it's worth it. And remember that there are options for you - there's counselling like you mentioned, mental health services, therapy, etc. x
Hope everything is okay.
I think you two need to sit down and talk about your relationship and what you want to do with it. Be open with how you're feeling and decide what's best for each other.
I tend to avoid a lot of conflict and issues (personal and non-personal) because I'm afraid of the outcomes, the feedback, and their reactions. Slowly getting confident with confrontations but it's just the aftermath now.
You're not a coward. Things between you and your boyfriend are really rough and you're afraid of him rejecting you if you speak to him. That's completely understandable. It's best to remember that you're talking to him for a reason. You have an intention and if it doesn't go as expected then you've tried.
I don't want to come across pushy so please don't feel like you have to do it now!
What do you want to do?
How do you want to approach this?
In this case, leave a message.
Let him know that you want to talk things out.
Whether he reaches out or not is up to him.
Cos, at least you tried, ya know?
Let's leave him a message for now.