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To those who hurt you - unsent letters
Former Member
Obnoxiously Large AnchorPosts: 1,201 Wise Owl
Here's a space to write to the people who have hurt you. Feel free to anonymise your letters. Express yourself in any way you want, do it in multiple comments. Honestly let it all out. Once it's out there for others to see, hopefully you'll feel a weight off your chest.
You can write it in proper letter form or any other way you can think of doing it. Hopefully we can all encourage each other by using this space positively and supporting each other.
📮📮
You can write it in proper letter form or any other way you can think of doing it. Hopefully we can all encourage each other by using this space positively and supporting each other.
📮📮
Post edited by Former Member on
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Comments
To the teachers at primary school who ignored all the warning signs - you were concerned enough when I was turning up late and distrupting lessons, but that's about all you were concerned about. You blamed me for bullying when I was in fact being bullied. You didn't bother to check that everything was okay. You let me go home every day to face neglect and abuse. How could you have known though, you weren't educated on signs of abuse. The system failed you as well. I hope now you can see the signs and save someone else.
To the police officers who came for an unrelated incident - I was probably only single digits at the time, maybe 9 pushing 10. Maybe even older actually but not by much. I was still a scared little child and you saw the conditions I was living in. You smelt the same urine soaked bare stairs that the social workers failed to mention in their social work report - yet told CAMHS about. You saw the tip of the iceberg when it came to the living conditions but you left it there and did nothing else. That's okay, how were you to know any different.
To my grandparents - you straight up knew how I was living was wrong. You told my mum that social work would take me if they were to find out. You didn't get me out of there. Instead you attempted to clean once, and in the process you threw away my cardboard box den - the one place I used to express myself and feel safe. You left it for years afterwards and only took me in once social work forced you to.
To camhs - you were told by an 11 year old that they wanted to live with their grandparents forever and never see their mum again but that didn't set off any alarm bells? You encouraged me to talk in front of my mum about why I was the way I was. You said I didn't have anxiety, just "anxious energy". You said I wasn't depressed. How's that working out? You said that I had trouble sharing people and even said I was jealous of my own puppy. You said that even though I rarely engaged in sessions, I continued to request to come back. You missed every single warning sign with me and you were supposed to be the ones to help me.
To social work - you never took what I told you seriously. You said that because I was vague with timescales that it was hard to believe. That because I didn't have any bruises that things still weren't happening. You said that any incidents that did happen may have been because of additions stressors within the household. The additional stressors you were talking about were me. I was the troubled child, I always was. I was the one that ran away and climbed up trees and I was the one that didn't go to school. I was the one that could be manipulative according to my vice head teacher. You believed her over me. You didn't put any safety provisions in place once you shipped me off and said I couldn't live with my mum anymore. You didn't put anything in place to stop her taking me back. You didn't put anything in place to stop her seeing me. You didn't do anything to help me at all. You forced me out of everything that I ever knew and expected me to cope with it as if I'm not a care experienced individual. You won't class me as a care leaver and now you don't even have the decency to respond to the questions that I directly asked you in relation to my files.
I need some time before doing the next couple but I just need to take a break.
To him - Thank you for making me the person I am today. Thank you for changing me. I’ll never forgive you for what you did, I’ll never forget it, but I am who I am now because of you and because of what you did. And I am able to understand, help others, and know my purpose because of you. I am one thousand times the person you are or ever will be, because of you.
I know you were mentally unwell and generally unstable, but you could've done something about it. You could've asked for help. When you stopped taking your tablets, you got unpredictable and could be violent. I know I wasn't much better, and I'm sorry for that, but I was the child. It took me a while to realise that, but it's not okay for you to kick my head because I didn't want to get up for school. It wasn't okay to launch whatever was beside you towards me - as much as I did it back, you were supposed to be the adult.
So many people documented us to be more like a friendship group than you as a mother figure. This meant I had to grow up without a dad and without a mum. I grew up in a friendship group.
I still resent some of the things you've done. Especially the living conditions. I know it was tough for you, but you set me no boundaries and this was hard for me. Sure at the time it would've been a blast. I enjoyed staying up until every kids channel went to teleshopping and watching TV way after you went to bed to occupy myself - but I never did any homework and there was never any food in the house.
You left the bath so dirty that it was black with dirt. I'm not sure how you expected me to wash in that, but I had to.
Mum sometimes the toilet was so bad that I opted to use the kitchen sink, which to be quite honest was not much cleaner. The kitchen wasn't a functioning kitchen. The fridge was broken and the cupboards were empty. Mum I only ever ate when we went to my grandparents house. When we did have snacks, you expected me to eat them whilst sitting in a bed naked beside you. You sat there naked beside me and it's so uncomfortable to think about. The house was a mess, fly infestations were regular.
You expected me to clean out all the small pets by myself and would shout at me if I didn't. I struggled to hold the bin bag open to get the sawdust in. Sometimes it was left so long that it was too heavy for me to deal with. The sawdust merged into a solid block of piss and shit. You complained if I didn't pick up the dog shit when I was 11 years old.
Mum you expected too much of me and didn't know how to be a proper mum. I know you tried and I know you love me, but you're not a proper mum. I've never had a proper mum or a dad and that's okay.
I don't blame you but I certainly don't blame myself.
I wish I'd gone into care at a much younger age so I could've maybe had a normalish upbringing. Instead I had to face the world by myself, embarrassed to share my problems and living with my grandparents, seeing you every day.
It hurts every single day.
I was lucky enough to live in the equivalent of a group home and a foster home under the guise of living abroad, but I really learned a lot about how to function properly in society when I was there. If I didn't live with those families and the people I lived with, I'd have never understood how a teenager was supposed to live and act.
I learned how to be a human, not from you mum, but from my peers and strangers.
It takes a lot to be so open and vulnerable and I hope sharing it takes a weight off of you.
As you can see, it took me a while to actually finish what I wanted to say. It's definitely not easy but I can really recommend opening right up like that to anyone looking here or considering it.
It's almost like I can try and put those memories and grudges to rest now that they've been acknowledged by not just myself.
I'm sure I'll have letters to others but in the meantime hopefully the community engages. @Lucy307 wrote a brilliant letter to someone who hurt her. Makes me proud to see people feeling able to open up
To the other teacher - I can't even write to you, because you died. Not just died, but you died in a stupid freak accident on the first week of the summer holidays. Your husband nearly died too. They managed to save him. I grieved your death. You meant a lot to me. I couldn't turn up to your memorial because I was too upset as I'd trusted you. Turns out my trust was misplaced when you told the social workers that I was "manipulative". I'm not sure what that was meant to mean. You also said that my mum was always well presented. You totally discredited me to the social workers and you're one of the reasons they fucked me over so badly. I wish you were alive for me to tell you what was really going on for me at that time. If there is an afterlife of some sort I really hope you're reading this now and realise what I was going through.
I've never really thought about writing letters to folk and not sending them but I gave it a shot after seeing this post, I didn't post it but it helped me to get my thoughts written out.
Thank you for making a space for us to share our letters
I'm super glad you felt able to do that and hope it helps you! You absolutely don't need to post them, like I always say, as long as at least one person benefits from it then it's worth it!
Glad you like the space, hopefully it can continue to help others
Here's my first-
To Mom
The first letter is dedicated to you mommy because, well you were my first love and the first person I learned hate from. You never noticed how every word and action of yours affected me. You played a big part in making me who I am, an awfully sad and tired girl. You beat me as a child, poisoned my mind thinking you were molding me to a better person, but you were wrong. I flinched from your touch, I was scared, I just needed a mother- a mother who's lap I can curl up to, who will wipe off my tears- but I didn't got one.
Remember when you fractured you leg, in the icy cold December, it was just me and daddy who used to stay with you at the hospital all day. You remember ma? It was just us, always there for you then why? What did we do to deserve your hatred. I was a kid ma, I still am. I know it's hard for you ma, dad is not a easy person to deal with but what did I do?
"You won't be able to do anything in your life" "you are just trouble, why can't you leave me alone" "I wish you were gone already" remember you said these to me. I remember ma, I remember everything. Each time you hurt me physically, verbally, emotionally I remember it all. I wish I could forget it all, forgive you but I can't, it's just embedded in my mind. You cried for your lover what did he even do for you ma? Anything except giving you a little attention? I did everything I could to make you happy, I tried ma, but it just wasn't enough for you. I never smiled or wasted any tears for me. Am I not worth anything?
I kept your lies, your secrets, even though I knew it will destroy I family. I did it all for you. All you ever cared about was money and your men, not me or dad or sis. Why do I always here venom on your voice when you talk about us, hatred in your eyes. I did everything I could just for a brief glimpse of love in those hazel eyes for yours. But I failed ma. I'm sorry I failed. I wasn't the daughter you wanted me to me. I cried, I screamed just for you.
Remember I how I used to sprint from the room once the lights were off. I was so afraid of the dark. But now the darkness feels like home. I see the shadows they are my friends. I'm sure the shadows see me too. I'm sorry I can't save you ma, I don't have enough light to even save myself. I'm sorry I wasn't enough. I wanted to place the world at your feets, heaven in your hands but I'm sorry I just have the hell to give you. I'm scared ma, scared of myself, my demons, scared of everything. Your daughter is scared. Who just want a mother to protect her against the demons. A mother she never had, or will have.
Sorry I couldn't save you when I should have, sorry for not stopping dad when you tried strangling you, sorry I couldn't stop you when you tried to overdose yourself. I'm sorry ma. Sorry for being the useless self that I am. It hurts ma, just to think I would have let you die if it weren't for sis. I'm still guilty but I can't change the past, and for better or worse neither can you. You can't change what you did to me. I'm sorry for not being strong enough ma. You broke me, tore me to pieces but sometimes you tried to fix me to and after everything we all have been through I still love you the same.
Your worthless daughter,
Blue 💙
Other ways it can be helpful -
• write a letter and burn it
• write a letter and lock it away
• write a letter and send it to the person
• turn your feelings into a poem or an art piece
• write a letter and rip it up
• write a letter to yourself
To the people who say my art isn't good enough or don't like it.
I will still keep trying even if you say otherwise someone will always find something wrong with it, im happy to learn from others who point out inprovements but not those who just outright dislike others. I know there are people who would do anything to be able to do things at all. I know im not always motivated but it isn't a waste of effort and to say that its better not to do something at all than to do something quickly is not true because you always do learn. Doing things is part of it.
To the people who said I am stuck in the past (in terms of tech not like emotionally lol) I think there are practices from the past that are still meaningful without glorifying things that arent.
But even then I respect your opinions but to use that to bring someone else down is not nice. Or to keep criticizing the things someone enjoys. It gets to the point I feel so distant from the world and actual things that tech brings more of a dystopia to me and that makes me unhappy.
To the friends who left me, ghosted me or hurt me I feel bad from what happened but maybe at least I can learn from it. But I think ghosting someone is never a nice thing, to cut communication with someone is not nice or mature and reflects something not so nice. But to those who hurt me I suppose it is better that I do go because obviously it isn't working. I respect others space and choices but when it harms me then I don't think that it is working anymore. And to those who left me it is okay to move on but it still always does hurt if you were close to me still and it was sudden still i appreciate the time you spent with me.
You ask if I’m ok, it’s obvious I’m not you see the marks in PE when I take of the blazer you don’t give a fuck, you laugh and leave me out, your rude to me, you blackmailed me, you copy my homework and pressure me, I go to your houses isn’t it easy to tell my smile is fake?
your a right cow, you didn’t care you threatened me you abused me emotionally, you broke my wall and your amused. You never see, you never look me straight in my eye to ask are you ok? You make me shout you make me scream you created the voices in my head. I thought they were my friends for years but their like you but like me aswell, they cut, they bled, they let the tears out every night but they tell me I’m worthless they say it while you show it. You see my bags under my eyes. I say I’m ok but did you ever know there’s a ok in broken?
You think it’s cool to say your depressed and you say you can’t sleep at night, you do but I can tell it’s eyeshadow. Do you know what I fucking go through. Every day I write my death note in my head, and the next day I wish I was dead, your one of the main reasons and you don’t even know. You just a poisonous snake bitting me every day.
Fuck you.
I introduced you to my friend and You left me. I finally tell you what’s wrong with me and you say it will be better but it’s not, the fact you say I’ll be ok breaks me more. You can’t tell that I lie, or I cry. I can mute the mic and you’ll never know. I left you because of my parents and now a year later problems come down like a waterfall. I always have to remember if I die I won’t be online for him. I won’t be there for him, he’ll wonder where is she? Well she’s dead. She’s dead every fucking day. I don’t blame you I don’t know you in person but you can hear my voice and that’s all you need.
I’m sorry.
You say I look weird with glasses on. You say my profile looks weird but guess what that’s the only day I felt pretty, you say you can’t read my handwriting but sorry I shake when I’m scared, I’m sorry for trying to be good I’m sorry for trying to improve my self esteem but I would rather sit alone than sit with you, toxic pig.
You are a massive fart!
"The way that I have found the light in my life is through the expressive arts because I know that I will be accepted for the way I am." ~ Me
"I'm going to get strong again and see you soon. " ~ Anonymous
"The way that I have found the light in my life is through the expressive arts because I know that I will be accepted for the way I am." ~ Me
"I'm going to get strong again and see you soon. " ~ Anonymous
Trigger warning: mentions of biphobia, bullying, sexual harassment
Hi ‘girlfriends!’
Long time, no see, and thank fuck for that.
Back then I was (still am) a ticking time bomb and that made a lot of people uncomfortable. See, I knew that and holy shit, was I struggling with so much shit back then, yet still, I opened my heart for you. Whilst I was getting bullied by the older years, you guys paid less attention to my sexuality and more to what I had to offer and honestly, to this day, thank you so much, for that experience. However, that doesn’t change the fact that you still made fun of me. See, I understand that we tend to vent off and make a couple of jokes there and then. It would have stung, sure but I could brush it off. But what you girlies specifically said?
Oh. Boy.
Sentiments:
See I’m beyond angry but we gotta address the good and the bad in this situation. I understand the upbringing you had so your views were understandable. Hurtful but understandable. However, I thought that by being friends, it would at least make you realize that ‘hey, she’s bi but she’s also my friend and we’re not that different.’ As per usual, my standards were set too high for you. Despite the difficulties I had, my flaws and my struggles, I still wanted to be part of the whole ‘girl squad’ clique that I witnessed everyday. Sounds corny now that I type it out.
Oh! Oh! Oh! You know what’s even worse? Thinking it was funny to ask me sexually provocative questions about my sexuality and persisting with the conversation even though I was clearly uncomfortable with the conversation. If I said no to your advances, then suddenly I wasn’t ‘gay enough.’ Like I had to prove my sexuality to you. You know how upsetting that was? To have my sexuality, something that was so important to me, being belittled and degraded into a ‘joke’ that you make with your close friends?
Speaking of ‘jokes,’ let’s talk about inappropriate touching. I don’t know what transpired between you and your friends or if your brain cells suddenly collapsed but the last time I checked, I don't think making sexual physical contact without consent was funny. As a matter of fact, I think it’s illegal. When your friends laughed at me when I retracted or tried to move away. When you said ‘ew’ every time I tried to politely push you away from me. You have no idea how disgusted you made me feel about myself. How ashamed I was for feeling the way I felt about women. At some point, I hated myself for it, and for the longest, I’ve been repressing my sexuality. I’ve met potential love interests but I was so afraid of making the first move that I would instantly panic and eventually avoid them. A part of me still feels disgusted towards myself and represses the romantic and sexual feelings I get towards women.
Addressing the comments and questions:
Looking back at this now, I was way too nice to you guys. There are various points I should have told you guys to fuck off but you know what? That’s okay! I’m thankful for this experience cos, now I won’t feel guilty for cutting a couple of people out in the future.
“Do you prefer men or women?”
“But who do you really prefer? Who do you think you’ll end up with?”
That’s a pretty fucking stupid question to ask me, considering that bisexuality doesn’t work like that. I have both romantic and sexual attractions to all genders - just because I have a partner who happens to a certain gender, doesn’t mean I’m going ‘straight’ or ‘lesbian.’ Like everything else in this universe, nothing is definite.
"Now that you’re bi, you’re not gonna hit on me or anything, are you? I mean, do you think I’m hot?"
Ha.
HA.
The amount of times you’ve asked me this and then had the audacity to get offended when I rejected you and your ‘advances’. The looks on your faces makes me laugh to this day.
"You haven't dated a girl. You can't say you're bi.”
”When was the last time you slept with a man or a woman?”
”How do you know you’re bisexual if you haven’t had sex with a girl?”
”Have you slept with both a man and a woman? How could you know you're bi if you haven't?”
I could say the same thing about you guys who haven’t dated a guy or haven’t had sex. The same girls that blatantly complain about guys and their disrespectful behaviour towards girls, and how you’re so done with men, yada, yada, yada…
But I did bring it up and you stumbled with these excuses. Some of you got defensive at the supposed assumption that you might have been a lesbian, like you were accused of murder. Regardless, you now understand how stupid this statement is? You cannot define your sexuality through personal experiences with men. There have been multiple accounts of people having experience with the opposite sec and still later identifying as gay, lesbian, asexual, etc. People may not even be interested in having intimate partners to begin with!
”What girl do you have a crush on?”
This girl is called ‘Mind your business.’
“Bisexuality is just a phase.”
Let’s look at this at a wider spectrum and let’s be honest.
Sexuality is one big question mark and I’m not just referring to the curious kind. Everyday, we question our feelings and attractions:
“I’m romantically attracted to this gender but I don’t want to have sex with them. What does this mean?”
“I love my partner but I’m not really into sex. What does this mean?”
“I identify as this but sometimes I feel like this about this gender. What does that mean?”
These are questions that we can’t simply put a label on and call it a day, because it’s not that simple. It’s a spectrum.
”I could never be in a relationship with a bisexual.”
The feeling is mutual.
Look. At the end of the day, you’re not bad people, your views on homosexuality are just fucked. It limits your possibility of meeting amazing, powerful and loving people. I hope that someday, you’ll look beyond the labels and see the humanity in us too.
Until then,
Fuck you,
Your local bi queen🏳️🌈
You absolutely go girl, I'm damn proud of you
Dear XX
I am right now registered with student disability service and was diagnosed with anxiety and depression by the crisis team psychiatrist. I have wanted to take my life for several times that I cannot count since January and was supported by the crisis team for two times and they could no longer support me. You must be very happy to hear the news. If I die, you will feel even better.
In my undergraduate university, as a naive girl who always trusted her teachers, I needed help from you. I don’t know if you meant to make life worse for me or not, but it doesn’t matter now. You do not even care if you make life worse for me. That is you. You could always put on a fake smile but you cannot hide your cold stare; you could lie blatantly to me about what you have said before; you could lie to me that you care but you couldn't be bothered to look at the university rules for me; you could lie to me about the content of the module handbook; you could lie to me that you love my hobbies and what I created and took them as a gift without my permission; you could lie to me that you like me and make me feel like I am disgusting; you could ask me to care more about those people who do not work yet you treat them very unkindly; you could call me dramatic; you could call me a baby; you could tell me that I would lose my family, my friends and my future; you could tell me that I am disrespectful and might go disciplinary; you could ask me to go to the disabilities when I was disappointed by your betrayal and was trying to hold back my tears when I was in your office so you don’t have to be responsible for the fact that you hurt me; you could ask me to go to the disabilities when I felt the fear towards you when you acted aggressively towards me.
Now I am disabled by my emotions, are you happy now? It doesn’t matter as I know you will deny all these things: they prevent you from feeling good about yourself. I feel sorry for you because your childhood cannot be good because you are a narcissist. I feel sorry for your colleagues as some of them quit their jobs because of you. I feel sorry for your students because a lot of them ended up with nightmares or will end up with nightmares. I never want them to end up like me.
For a long time, I was confused about if this is culture difference or something else. In order not to form a negative stereotype of people from your country, I forced myself to like a singer from your country and talk to people from your country online. I felt worse after forcing myself to love your culture. You never know that I couldn’t get out of bed the next day after seeing you, feeling like I fell into a black hole and I did not deserve to eat. I would play the scene in my head again and again, wondering how I could react better. I had nightmares about you, about you seeing me wearing a T-shirt in a jacket and on the T-shirt there was the new uni admission letter, I tried to hide the uni name from you but somehow you could see it; about you writing a letter to my new uni telling them that I am a terrible student and should be kicked out; about meeting you; about having to learn your language and have to be taught by you; about you controlling the university, etc. I had daydreams about you, about me saying that you would not care if I die; nobody would care if I die.
Right now, I do feel like I am daydreaming, that the crisis team experiences were not real, that I want to die because I lost my energy, my concentration, my creativity, my inspiration, and myself. Part of me have died straightly after seeing you, and another part died gradually after seeing you. Now only my body exists, and it is also becoming problematic as I can no longer take good care of myself. You will never receive this letter as I do not want a revenge from you. I hope you are doing well, and I will never come across you again in my life.
Your previous student
Kate with her broken heart
Qué dolor, qué pena y qué tormento
El Kanka - Lo mal que estoy y lo poco que me quejo