Struggling at the moment

independent_

I don’t really know why I’m writing this, guess I just want someone to hear me out and a bit of a rant really. 

Honestly I’m just struggling at the moment. It’s the complete lack of motivation, energy and enjoyment in life. If someone said to me we’d be in lockdown for another 6 months and I wouldn’t have to face having to act normal then I’d be completely happy with that, the thought of being forced to go about life and pretend everything is totally ok is terrifying. And not necessarily because I’m anxious as such, more having to force myself to be ‘fine’ because I can’t just stop functioning in a normal non-covid world.

Even the most basic of things is so difficult at the moment. It’s like I’m going through and doing what I absolutely have to do and everything else is totally pointless and exhausting. The constant sad feeling never goes away. It’s not necessarily like before where it was really overwhelming every single day and almost impossible to cope with, instead it’s just there and never ending. And means I can’t find enjoyment in most things because I just feel so fed up all the time and down.

None of this is helped by the fact my sleep routine is a total mess, I go from sleeping 10 hours some nights to being totally wide awake all through the night and unable to sleep until really late no matter how much I try. And I can be really tired but still unable to sleep. And when I do sleep for those 10 hours I’m still exhausted it’s like I can’t win. The last 2 nights I’ve been getting to sleep between 3 and 4am but still waking up at 9 or so. 

I just feel so completely drained and I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t even really distract myself because I just don’t want to do anything. Like even fun things like watching netflix. And I can’t focus on things. But I don’t want to bother anybody with all this because people are so busy and got other things on I just can’t be the one to create more problems for everyone else. 

Idk honestly. I’m sorry for the rant. But I’m just so done. 

Past User

Hey Elle,

I'm so sorry to hear how much you're hurting right now. I wish I had the words to make things better for you. I think that it's great you felt able to share how you're feeling with us here. It's helpful sometimes to just get it all out instead of keeping it to ourselves.

Can really hear you when you talk about lack of motivation and enjoyment in life. I'm feeling the same at the moment and it sucks. Especially when you know that something is wrong and you want things to get better but you just don't have the motivation to take the steps you need to take for things to improve. You're not alone with that and tbh, I really don't think that lock-down and having very little to do has helped. 

I understand your fear of going about your normal life and pretending everything is okay after COVID. I just want to say though, you don't have to 'pretend' that everything is okay. I think a lot of people are going to come out of this and they're going to need extra support and that's completely fine. You're not going to be alone in that. I really do know what you mean though. I feel like a completely different person now to who I was before lockdown and the thought of going out and living a normal life is scary. I guess, we need to take it one day at a time and hopefully, we will feel more in control of things at some point.

I can't imagine your sleeping pattern is helping much with your lack of motivation. I know that I never really want to do things when I'm tired. I know you say that you can't sleep no matter how hard you try but i'm just wondering what you've tried? There are some brilliant sleep meditation videos on youtube, I find that they help empty the thoughts in my head that keep me awake. Have you tried cutting down on caffeine or turning your phone/computer off an hour before bed? There are lots of tips online on how to get a better night's sleep. Alternatively, if you've tried different methods and they're not working it might be a good idea to speak to your GP and explain that you're struggling to get to sleep at night and it's affecting your mental health?

I hear you when you say that you don't want to bother anyone but I don't think that talking about your mental health is bothering anyone, especially people like your friends, partner, and parents. They really care about you and it might help you chat with them about it. Whatever you find helpful

Something that helped me, when I was lacking motivation was writing a list of things I  want to do in the day. I started with little things so I didn't overwhelm myself. Things like clean my desk or throw the ball for the dog for 5 minutes. It really helped to tick things off of the list. There are lots of apps you could create a list on, or even do it on a word doc

I'm sorry Elle that everything is feeling so much for you. You don't deserve any of this.

You are so strong and I know you'll get through it, keep taking each day at a time, and hopefully, things will start to look up for you soon.

Sending big hugs, keep talking... we really care about you

Past User

Hey Elle sending really big hugs your way. We’re always happy to listen anytime, I know opening up can be incredibly hard so well done Elle you should be really proud of yourself. We really do care about you an awful lot and we’re always happy to listen. I know posting helps me get things off my chest, we’ll always be here for you.

Covid is definitely a complicated time with some perks but an awful lot of downsides too. Sorry I don’t have any advice or words of wisdom. I just wanted to say we’re always here for you Elle. You’re such an amazing person. You’ve helped me more than you could ever know. We’re always here no matter what, post as much as you need. The mix will never run out of kindness and support there’s always plenty to go around.

You’re a beautiful soul, who makes so many people feel listened to, you remind us we’re not alone and that means an awful lot.

I wish i could take away your pain. But all I can say is we’re here for you Elle. We hear you and we’ll always be happy to listen whenever you need anything.

independent_

Hey @Liam thank you so much, I’d been debating making this post for a while to be honest. I find I don’t really have words most of the time though haha so this took me ages to write and it probably doesnt make much sense.

I’ve definitely changed since lockdown, before this all started I could just kind of get on with things (mostly because I had to). And I found it easier to enjoy things back then. Maybe I’ve got too comfortable being at home all the time and now even the thought of possibly having to act in a normal way after the lockdown is so scary and overwhelming.

I’ve cut right down on coffee, I used to drink 7 cups a day and now the most I generally have is 3, and those 3 are all before 2pm or so. I was down to 2 coffees for a while but it’s crept up again and I really need to get back down to 2 but I just feel it makes very little difference. The days I have more coffee are ironically sometimes the days I get more sleep. It’s so weird I think I built up a massive tolerance to coffee over the years and now it just has very little effect. 

I have a meditation app, it’s a Scottish guy actually, that’s helpful sometimes but sometimes I struggle to get into the mindset for it because my mind is so focused on other things. Trouble is when I try to sleep my brain doesnt like to switch off and stop thinking lol. It just feels like nothing is working. Like now I’m totally wide awake and if I even think about going to bed I know I won’t sleep and I’ll just be restless.

I try to talk to people, but a lot of people in my life are just so busy and they have their own problems that they’re dealing with. Just don’t want to worry anyone you know what I mean? I hate the thought that I’m creating more stress for people who are already more than stressed. For example mum is so busy with uni that sometimes when I’ve tried to talk to her she’s not really paying attention.

I like the idea of the list, I really must try that but this might sound weird but it’s even hard to find the motivation to write a small list.. that’s daft isnt it why am I like this lol. Sometimes I wish that my life was different, in fact a lot of the time.

Thank you so much for your kind words, sorry this reply has turned into a bit of a rant as well  

independent_

Hey @SpaceOtter aww, thank you so much. That’s really kind. It means a lot that people have read this and taken the time out of their day to reply. 

I wanted to write this for about a week if not longer, I guess it feels good to have posted it somewhere and know people have read it. That’s all I want, for someone to actually care.

Past User

Hey,

Don’t apologise. I’m glad that you’re getting it all out we really care about you and we want you to do whatever you find is best helpful. 

Really hear you when you talk about how lockdown has changed you or feeling like you’ve gotten ‘too used to it’ it’s frightening, isn’t it? You’re not alone. Whenever this is over, lots of people are going to feel unsure on how we’re supposed to behave. I know I definitely will. Things aren’t okay right now and they’re not magically going to be okay when lockdowns over so you don’t need to put on any front and pretend that you’re fine, if you’re not.. it’s okay to say. I know you’d say the same to me if I told you I was feeling the way that you do. Be more kind and gentle on yourself

Sounds good that you’ve cut down on caffeine. I know I’m doing backflips after one coffee so I avoid it at all costs haha. 

I’m glad that you have tried some sleep meditation. It’s okay if your mind wonders off during meditation, if you notice it just try to gently remind yourself to focus back on the persons voice. My old counsellor taught me that. In fact, she sent me a sleep meditation voice thingy. I’ll send it to you if you’d like? She’s Scottish and got a super soothing voice. You’re probably thinking eh, it doesn’t work clearly because I’m sending this at half 1 in the morning LOL but my sleep pattern is generally okay, I’m just up catching up on school work.

When you say your mind is so busy at night and you can’t stop thinking, what is it you’re thinking about? You don’t have to share if you don’t want to might be worth dumping it all out here though so it’s not all in your mind.

I know you say you’ve tried things and they’re not working. It might be worth calling the GP and explaining. He might be able to give you something that can help you sleep at night? Like, it’s a real issue if you’re not getting much sleep.

I’m really sorry that the people in your life are busy and that mam didn’t really seem to notice. Perhaps, if you wanted to, you could ask mam if she’s up for a chat and then like plan it so she’s focusing on you ? I completely understand if you’d prefer not to. Just remember, you’re not alone. We’re right here with you and there’s always someone who has time and a good set of ears on here 

Really proud of you and sending the biggest hugs.

independent_

Hey @Liam thank you again  

It’s weird cause after the first lockdown, which was really difficult for similar but not exactly the same reasons, I was desperate to get out and get back to normal. But now it’s almost like the novelty has well and truely warn off and now it’s just scary. Like even the thought of going to an appointment like counselling or to the GP in person instead of on the phone is really worrying, it’s weird I almost prefer phone appointments it’s a more relaxed environment. I just hope it’s easier than I think it’s gonna be cause right now I can’t imagine it. 

Ahaha, I don’t know how I ever drank 7 cups a day tbh and it had almost no effect on me. I could drink it at 10pm and still sleep fine. But I cut down cause I figured it couldn’t be helping all this. Same with alcohol, which I’ve basically not bothered with since christmas. It’s just so hard trying all these things and not really seeing much of a difference. 

I’d really like that, your old counsellor sounds amazing! The one I’ve used it’s like an app which you put on your phone, my sister used it years ago and my parents both use it. It is helpful but not all the time. 

It’s just thinking about life to be honest, stupid little things. And also worrying that this will never get better haha. I know I need to call the GP, but I’m just nervous honestly and I don’t want them to think I’m calling too often or that it’s stupid. It just feels like I’ve tried so much and not just with sleep, with everything to try to feel better but I feel no progress and it’s horrible. Well I have definitely made progress with being less anxious because my counselling helped a lot with that but not with anything else.

I usually go for walks with mum, we take the dog to the beach and normally chat then. She talks about her uni and if I’m gonna say anything about how I feel I do then cause it’s like a conversation. It’s just always in the back of my mind that I’m a problem and creating more stress for people.

Thank you for the hugs!! Means a lot that you’ve took the time to reply  

Former Member

@independent_ I hope you are doing well and I have a similar problem. Don't be afraid to call your GP or counsellor because they understand and it's so important to have a conversation than bottling emotions or thoughts.  

Former Member

I have been down in the dumps lately. My mood is all over the place, I feel sad, tired and exhausted a lot these days. My self-care is just gone to a halt and I have had a lot of self-harm thoughts and its become less because of meditation and guided imagery. I feel so lonely and hopeless more than ever these days.

independent_

Hey @bhavz, thank you for replying I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling too, it’s really awful  

Well another night of hardly any sleep.. I hate this. 

Azziman

Hey @independent_, thanks for reaching out. So sorry to hear what you're going through, lockdown is a really challenging time when we can't see one another, so really understand what you've said here. 

I think all we can do is do our best to be our best, and that way we can leave no regrets. Take each day as it comes, and be kind to yourself - you're doing a lot better than you give yourself credit for, and reaching out is a great example of that! If you want to chat over PM or anything, my door is always open for you x

I think there's some little things we can all do during these times to help get some sense of order and satisfaction back into our lives. Perhaps setting yourself a routine for sleep might be helpful. It's hard to have a good day when we don't feel properly rested, so that's a good first step to take in helping yourself to feel a little better. These situations can bring about a lot of emotions, as well as help us to appreciate what we really want and find important. Working on those a little each day, even 5 minutes, builds up to something wonderful over time. Keep moving forwards, you're doing great - take care of yourself!x

Much love

independent_

Hey @Azziman thank you so much for the lovely reply, it means a lot

Idk it’s just hard to set any sort of routine because I just always end up losing motivation for it and then the routine goes out the window. I wish I was one of those people who could happily get up early and actually be productive. 

Today I know I want to wash my hair and go to the shop. But I’m just so tired and not just like tired as in I want a nap. Today ain’t gonna be easy lol. 

Former Member

@independent_ I’m exactly the same with routines. I always tell myself I’ll get up early and do this and that and then when my alarm goes off the next morning I ignore it lol. Sometimes if a planned routine doesn’t work then lists do? Which is kind of what @Liam  mentioned, like having a list of small tasks you want to do in a day. If writing it down is a lot you could type it out on your phone? Or like if you have one of the phones that has the hey google/ hey Siri things, I’m pretty sure they can put things into notes for you if you tell them haha.

It’s so hard not being able to sleep. I really struggled the summer of my A-level finals, I’d be awake staring at the ceiling until 2 or 3 and then had to be up at 6. People always say that 20 minutes of just lying down with your eyes closed (even if you don’t fall asleep) can still be helpful, though. Like you’re more rested than if you didn’t even do that. But for sure I think you could talk to your GP about it, sleep aids are a really available thing and they really do help. And your doctor wouldn’t think you’re stupid at all, promise. Sleep is a legit thing to need! It impacts everything.

It sounds the worst to feel like you’ve made all these changes and nothing’s helping. Honestly it’s so so positive that you’re even trying, though (the coffee reduction! That’s dedication at its finest). Changes don’t always come about right away, and right now with lockdown and all things are hard in general. That doesn’t mean that the changes you’ve made haven’t been worthwhile, because they’re always good for your health regardless. You know? Big hugs xx

I so feel you with being worried about things getting back to normal, now, because it’s like we’ve got used to not being around people. It’s stressful. I guess it’s just about small steps. You don’t have to do everything all at once - and hopefully eventually with the vaccines and whatnot things will get safer soon. I’ve been worried I’ll have completely forgotten how to do human interaction haha but honestly everyone’s been in the same boat and we’re all in this together.

Big hugs!!xx

independent_

Hey @Arianna, thank you so much, that’s really helpful to read

I do that with the routines, I promise myself I’ll do something tomorrow but then when it comes to it I just can’t face actually doing it. Like today I told myself I would wash my hair and go to the shop - it’s 3.14pm as I’m writing this and neither of those things are done. I guess even writing them things in this thread like I did a bit earlier is a good thing too. 

I sometimes do just lie down for a while, like during the day but rarely fall asleep (sometimes I do and mess up my routine even more but that’s another issue lol) and I guess it does help cause it’s like resting my brain. Thing is I keep thinking it’s getting better and then like for the past 3 nights I’ve just been totally wide awake. And it’s not like when I do that I sleep in any later I actually end up waking up earlier and feeling awful. I guess even that’s a routine I seem to struggle with. 

I think that’s the worst part, I feel like I’m trying so much but my brain just won’t let any of it work. And I feel like people are going to think I’m not trying to help myself when really I have. But it’s exhausting sometimes when it just feels pointless like everything else in my life right now. 

Right now I’m giving myself a hard time because I’ve wasted yet another day feeling sorry for myself and hiding away from everyone I just wish I wasn’t like this. 

Former Member

I’m sorry today’s a hard one, Elle. Some days just are. Sending big hugs. Today’s not a complete write off, though, honestly. There’s still time. And if it’s any consolation, it’s... past four and I’ve only just dragged myself out of the shower and worn yesterday’s clothes. I have achieved exactly zero things apart from that and really have no plans to. It’s okay. Will try again tomorrow. 

The world is difficult right now. It sucks, it really does, and everything feels pointless, and I wish things weren’t so hard. Hang in there, my dear. One day at a time. We’ll get there x

independent_

Thank you @Arianna  

It’s just horrible achieving nothing every single day. And scared of what others think. 

independent_

I just spoke to the most lovely lady on a helpline, I couldn’t cope with how busy SC was.. but she was so kind, she just listened..she understood. I’ve not had a good day at all, everything had been overwhelming. But the lady really helped. 

Past User

Hi Elle good to hear the help line helped. I’m sorry it’s been a rough day. Sending big hugs. Always here if you ever need anything.  My inbox is always open

independent_

@SpaceOtter thank you I guess it was good to talk about it to the lady on the phone. 

Everything feels really hard tonight. Just feeling low but I guess I’ll cope like I usually do.

independent_

I hate feeling like I’m completely alone with my thoughts. Like I can’t think positively about myself at all right now.

independent_

I've totally had enough now. I'm phoneing the GP in the morning. I'm nervous. 

Past User

Sorry to hear things are so tough @independent_

I'm so happy to hear you're going to chat with your GP about it, it's okay to be nervous but just remember that they are there to help and support you

independent_

@Liam thank you so much, I've spent all this time trying to avoid medication but now I feel like it's my only option  

Past User

I hear you pal. Medication is there to help us too, and it might only be short term! Is it because of your sleep?

independent_

@Liam that and I honestly think I need to try antidepressants again. I just find everything so hard right now. 

Past User

Ah I'm sorry things are so hard for you pal. I really hope that the GP is able to listen and help you out. You can always share with us here, if there's anything on your mind. Sometimes its helpful to have a good rant

Former Member

Hii @independent_ I’m so sorry you feel this way it must feel really awful feeling like this and lacking motivation. I hope you have managed to phone your GP about it. I just want you to know we are all here for you and will support you the best way we can. Remember there is light at the end of the tunnel I know it might not feel like it yet but trust  me there will be ❤️Sending big hugs I hope your a bit better now x

independent_

@Liam thank you, yeah having this thread has been so helpful cause then I can put my rants here lol. I’m going to try to see the GP I normally see I just hope she can help me cause honestly I’m so fed up and I can’t make any changes to my routine or anything while I just feel it’s all so pointless. 

Aww @Emoji246 thank you for your kind words, I’m speaking to the GP tomorrow. 

Past User

Sounds like a plan! Let us know how it goes

independent_

I will do! I just get nervous I guess because what if the things I say sound really stupid  

Past User

The things you say definitely won't sound stupid and the chances are, your doctor will have heard everything you say multiple times before from their other patients.

I think that's like a common fear when it comes to doctors though, being worried about sounding daft or overdramatic. Mental health is important to talk about though and I know how much you've been struggling with sleep. You deserve some support