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The importance of being genuine

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  • ShaunieShaunie 🌸 Posts: 12,486 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    GreenTea said:
    But the calling out that has happened hasn't been with kindness
    Not been done horribly either. Just questioning what is what. 
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  • GreenTeaGreenTea ☕🌻☕ MidlandsPosts: 10,899 An Original Mixlorian
    I don't think you understand what I was saying so I'm just going to leave it here. 

    The scars you can't see are the hardest to heal.     

    Astrid Alauda

  • ShaunieShaunie 🌸 Posts: 12,486 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    GreenTea said:
    I don't think you understand what I was saying so I'm just going to leave it here. 
    Yeah I don’t ahh. 
    .
  • Past UserPast User Posts: 1,998 Extreme Poster
    edited August 2020
    @Shaunie, Try and put yourself into other peoples shoes for a moment. I find it interesting that you say you'd be fine for people to question you about whatever you say. This isn't a bad thing, but i've seen in the past that you are comfortable with opening up and talking about the issues you have. This is something that others don't find as easy. Take me, for an easy example. I've never felt able to open up about my issues to anyone, not even The Mix. That's not because of the community, it's because i've never done it before and for me, its WAY out of my comfort zone to make myself vulnerable like that. If i decided that one day i did want to open up about how i'm feeling but had seen that others were questioned about what they had said, it would stop me. It's difficult enough to talk about issues but to then have the worry of people questioning your story is awful. I think its great that it's something that you'd feel able to do, but not everyone would be comfortable with that. I definitely wouldn't be.

    Another thing is, why should someone have to prove their hurt? If they are here with a story be it true or false, why should they prove to us that what they are saying is true? It's not an interrogation, it's people being there for others. The wonderful thing about The Mix is that we are in full control. If we want to stop and give someone our time and support, we can... if we decide that we just want to scroll past, we can do that too. If they are gaining nothing from what they are doing, why would they keep doing it? they are clearly hurting in one way or another. Everyone is different, that's why we should always show kindness.  This is something that not you nor I can understand, but its something which is obviously helping the individual, else they would have gotten bored ages ago. 

    Everything you see and read on the internet needs to be taken with a pinch of salt anyway. I dont think its like "running to a teacher "... It's informing the staff moderators that there's an issue which needs to be looked into, that's what they're there for..no? If we make judgments and then act on them with no solid proof, we run the risk of pushing away those who are here for genuine reasons. If SC and the boards turned into interrogations, i for one would definitely never use them for support.

    If someones story isn't adding up, Mike said it's okay to ask questions to make the story clearer, if it still seems like lies... Message the staff so they can deal with it. I don't really understand what the issue with that? It just seems like the most sensible thing to do anyway rather than creating tension and putting people on the spot. The issue can be dealt with behind the scenes where others won't see so the community continues to feel like a safe space to reach out without the fear of judgment.

    btw, not saying you have to believe everyone or support them if their story doesn't add up.. just explaining why constant questioning or calling them out, whether outright or with constant questions could make others feel uncomfortable. I am not excusing the people who are making up stories, im just saying... there has to be a reason for why they are doing it and its not exactly our job to find out what that reason is.
    GreenTeaindependent_LaineSalix_alba_2019AriannaAnch0r33
  • ShaunieShaunie 🌸 Posts: 12,486 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    edited August 2020
    Huh. @Liam ? There isn’t an issue? Cause get what mike said. And I’m confused by all of what you’ve just asked me lol as I’ve not said any of that ahh

    i was just basically saying you shouldn’t get point for calling someone out if not being horrible about it Cause like mike said if doesn’t add up can say. I’m not asking people to “prove their hurt” I’m saying when people are clearly not making sense and getting lost in their lies and keep slowly admiting their lies ... that’s a valid reason to wonder


    and I’m defo not a person who comfortable with opening up about struggles.  So dunno where got that from lol.  Even online it’s taken me ages to open up about things I find embarrassing and horrible. But I’m just saying I ain’t going to get lost in my lies so it ain’t going to happen to me. So idk why people would get worried it would happen to them. 

    It’s never been a problem when I’ve been here. Just seems to be one person and yeah I’m not sure how anyone could believe them. 

    I’m not just sitting here accusing people of lying like oh “that’s a bit over dramatic. That’s a lie”. There are reasons and maybe you haven’t seen it all

    And Reason for anything. And why people lie. I’m not trying to find their reason either. Im not even judging them. Like who knows what going on in their life right not. It’s still not okay to do. I just want this place to feel okay and not uncomfortable. 
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    JellyelephantSalix_alba_2019
  • Past UserPast User Posts: 1,998 Extreme Poster
    I'm just saying, calling someone out makes it uncomfortable for everyone and we gain nothing from it. To me, it just makes total sense to go to the staff with any concerns instead of taking matters into our own hands.

    I don't really understand what you mean, idk if it's because its late or idk but ill leave it there.. 
    GreenTea
  • ShaunieShaunie 🌸 Posts: 12,486 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    edited August 2020
    Oh that’s fine... it felt like most of what you said to me came out of no where Iol. Dunno where got most of it from ah 
    I don’t know why it’s uncomfortable pointing it out if everyone else is thinking the exact same thing but someone just says it in a nice way. But yeah Anyway mike said we can 
    .
  • Past UserPast User Posts: 1,998 Extreme Poster
    All of my message above was explaining why it can be uncomfortable for others, I was just using me as an example. 
  • ShaunieShaunie 🌸 Posts: 12,486 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    edited August 2020
    Oh I was confused with you saying I’m comfortable opening up when I’m far from it 

    then “why does someone have to prove their hurt” cause never said they did 

    and then was confused by “I don’t understand what the issue with that is” as no issue withThat & never said was one

    then I was confused by “ its not exactly our job to find out what that reason is.” As never said it was. And made out like I said all these things so I was a bit confused. That’s all

    Like GreenTea said. She has to bite her tongue to not say. So why is it uncomfortable if someone else says what we are all thinking
    .
  • ShaunieShaunie 🌸 Posts: 12,486 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    edited August 2020
    I also ask a lot of questions when supporting people as that’s actually what I was taught in my peer support training as it gets the other person independent and gets them thinking for themselves and their own situation and you understand more and them leading on to other things and them thinking of ways to help themself.  rather you leading the convo. Empowerment and helping them to think on their own is mostly done by question.  And asking questions shows interest. Obviously not just question after question but asking question is just normal for me. And it doesn’t mean interrogation. 
    .
    Salix_alba_2019
  • Past UserPast User Posts: 1,998 Extreme Poster
    Maybe comfortable was the wrong word, i apologise for that. What i mean is that you have in the past, spoken about your issues and for some people that feels impossible. I admire that you are able to do that, truly... but it's not something i'd ever be able to see myself doing and i know that there are people out there who can relate to that. If i did ever want to open up and felt the strength to do it, the thought of being questioned would put me off.

    What i meant when i said why should someone prove their hurt was, if they have explained their issue and it doesn't sit right with you, why should they prove to you that they are telling the truth? Why not give them the benefit of the doubt?. Sure, if they then go onto say something which doesn't match with the rest of the story, ask them what they mean but i've seen the "calling out" that's happened recently and it wasn't done gently or with kindness. It looked to me like an interrogation and borderline bullying.  (Which made me uncomfortable, i bit my tongue and Stephanie removed the comments within a day)

    What i meant when i said i don't understand the issue is when you picked up on what Jelly had said about it being like running to a teacher? I don't understand that at all? What's the issue with going to the mix for support with a concern... its literally their job to support us.

    When i said It's not our job to find out what the reason is, it was probably bad wording again but i meant it's not our job to determine whether or not the person is indeed lying. Obviously we can go with our gut feeling but we don't need to continuously question them (like i've seen happen in the past). If something doesn't sit right, why not scroll past or report it so it can be dealt with?

    Hope that clears up what i meant, sorry for bad wording i have heavy eyes, im going to sleep now anyway lol. 
    GreenTea
  • ShaunieShaunie 🌸 Posts: 12,486 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    edited August 2020
    I’m sorry. This convo doesn’t seem to be helpful for the mix lol. I’m not sure why need to compare on the level of comfortable ness of sharing. It’s literally takes me years to open up so when I joined I didn’t open up for awhile either and you’re still new. So I’m not sure why comparing ah. 
    As don’t wanna underestimate how hard it is hadBeen for someone to open up. And I’m sure everyone has things they will never open up about

    Liam said:

    What i meant when i said why should someone prove their hurt was, if they have explained their issue and it doesn't sit right with you, why should they prove to you that they are telling the truth? Why not give them the benefit of the doubt?. 
    I’m not sure why you keep asking me this because I wouldn’t question someone if they didn’t contradict themself or had genuine reason to think something wasn’t telling full truth

    yeah there was a time where I could of been nicer about it all. -where you get points for if done not nice. But I’m talking about more recent times where I just ask. Which shouldn’t get points for. Which GreenTea made out like should And dunno if missed it but I put why I always ask questions. Hope helpful. 

    And I also just feel like we should have our own voice on things. Which yeah mike clearified we can so confused why this convo is going round in circles lol
    .
    JellyelephantSalix_alba_2019
  • ShaunieShaunie 🌸 Posts: 12,486 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    edited August 2020
    I just felt like your comment was to me questioning my own opinion.  rather than giving feedback for the mix so that’s why bit confused. But yeah im sure you probably didn’t mean for it to be like that. Just felt uncomfortable. Sorry  if confused you ah
    .
    JellyelephantSalix_alba_2019
  • GreenTeaGreenTea ☕🌻☕ MidlandsPosts: 10,899 An Original Mixlorian
    edited August 2020
    We are using our own voice... By PMing the Mix about it. That's still using your voice. You aren't just sitting and ignoring the whole issue.  Sending a message to the mix is still using your voice and it keeps the issue off the boards which is making many feel uncomfortable when they see it. 

    I agree with Liam that it's intimating etc..
    Post edited by GreenTea on

    The scars you can't see are the hardest to heal.     

    Astrid Alauda

    Past User
  • ShaunieShaunie 🌸 Posts: 12,486 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    edited August 2020
    What are you all talking about that I’m ignoring it. Proper confused now. I just said many times Mike said 


    Mike said:
    Like xyz does not seem possible... are you sure this is how it happened?  If you can tell us the whole story we can support you better. This gives them the chance to kinda backtrack and not lose face as such. 

    I'm just about to go offline but wanted to briefly acknowledge this @Jellyelephant and say you absolutely can say this. It's okay to clarify and ask questions if something doesn't add up. The issues come up when things become hostile or accusations start happening.

    We'll get back to you in full once we're back online. :) 


    and yeah I agree. 
    So I’m confused on why speaking to me like I’m ignoring and got a problem with this. I don’t lol. you seem to be ignoring this


    Edit. Oh I thought I read -“you are ignoring the whole issue “   But edited since then so can’t tell if I did read that now or not lol. Sorry if didn’t say that. Just feel like I said i understand. Mike said it’s okay and still saying same thing to me
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    Jellyelephant
  • ShaunieShaunie 🌸 Posts: 12,486 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    edited August 2020
    The only reason I can think that keep saying it is because of the time was too honest when was basically saying they’re lying. I said that I could of been nicer than and see how reading that could be uncomfortable  but we are talking about now and going forward. :) 
    .
  • JellyelephantJellyelephant Bpd bitch ✌🏼 Posts: 808 Part of The Mix Family
    It makes me uncomfortable to see you both pick apart everything shaunie tries to say. She and everyone is entitled to give feedback.

    if someone gives feedback it’s for the staff lol not written so you two can write how our opinion is wrong 
    The sun will rise and we will try again 
    ShaunieSalix_alba_2019
  • GreenTeaGreenTea ☕🌻☕ MidlandsPosts: 10,899 An Original Mixlorian
    I wrote my opinion and feedback originally and it got picked Apart so I did my best to explain further. 
    I didn't pick apart anyone. I tried to explain my opinion the best I can. I'm sorry if my opinion makes you uncomfortable.

    The scars you can't see are the hardest to heal.     

    Astrid Alauda

  • ShaunieShaunie 🌸 Posts: 12,486 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    edited August 2020
    GreenTea said:
    I wrote my opinion and feedback originally and it got picked Apart so I did my best to explain further. 
    I didn't pick apart anyone. I tried to explain my opinion the best I can. I'm sorry if my opinion makes you uncomfortable.

    You was saying how we should get points if call someone out for lying and ask questions. As you have seen it recently 

    I felt like that was directed at me. / know that was to me.  You just didn’t quote me. So I said what I said as I don’t feel need points. As mike said it’s okay But yeah then felt like the rest of my comments got picked apart. And wasn’t listening to what said cause said same thing back But yeah not gunna engage in this anymore as don’te see it being helpful now.  
    .
  • GreenTeaGreenTea ☕🌻☕ MidlandsPosts: 10,899 An Original Mixlorian
    It wasn't directed at anyone shaunie. It was a general statement because some of the Calling out, as Liam also said, has been really unkind etc. That's what I'm going on about being pointed.

    It was my opinion and even mike mentioned points... I was basically backing his bit on that too. 
    Sorry that offends you.

    The scars you can't see are the hardest to heal.     

    Astrid Alauda

  • ShaunieShaunie 🌸 Posts: 12,486 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    edited August 2020
    It’s fine. It was mostly Liams first comment that was to me. - that I was really confused at. As most things didn’t make sense as why was saying it to me. Then I felt like every comment I said, in reply to my comment and what was said after my comment still wasn’t making sense. But yeah it’s fine. Mike said it was fine so was just going by off what he said. 
    It’s fine to say your opinion of my opinion. But keep saying same thing rather than leaving my opinion and just felt wasn’t even listening to what was saying that’s why was confused.
    Post edited by Shaunie on
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  • JellyelephantJellyelephant Bpd bitch ✌🏼 Posts: 808 Part of The Mix Family
    @GreenTea you wrote feedback and then asked a question at the end so people responded to your question. Your opinion doesn’t offend me in the slightest, what I dislike is seeing two users picking on everything shaunie says and liking each other’s comments. 
    The sun will rise and we will try again 
    ShaunieSalix_alba_2019
  • Salix_alba_2019Salix_alba_2019 Posts: 1,269 Wise Owl
    edited August 2020
    @Jellyelephant I couldn't agree more, if we form the community then we should also have a degree of ownership and a say in certain issues. We should be allowed to disagree respectfully and we should be allowed to ask questions if something doesn't quite make sense. 

    @Mike @GreenTea @liam

    It might seem harsh and I know that some (not all) of the newer member might not be so transparent but I can assure you that (some not all) veteran members of the community have witnessed a very troubling and reoccurring theme.  When a person is able to manipulate  people into giving them a response by exploiting their very traumatic experiences its not okay. If it's not known to them that it's not okay to do, then who's to say that they won't happen again? We're all just as vulnerable. All that's wanted is the truth because this is what it does, It tears apart accommunity that's supposed to built on trust. 

    It's unfortunate that a person may feel as if dishonesty is the only way for their needs to be met but they should also understand that it's hurts people. Boundaries are important and they shouldn't be shielded, it should be seen as opportunity for growth but with that their needs to be honesty on both sides. 

    Should a person be held accountable, yes. Is it uncomfortable yes but it's also there to teach a lesson. The person my feel a bit sad from lies being pointed out, but what about the people who empathised and offered them genuine support? How do you think they'd feel knowing that they were manipulated and exploited? 


    I knew somone for 3 years. I considered her a sister and a best friend. For 3 years she played me. She took me for a fool and I believed all the lies to the point of helping her organise a wedding that wasn't going to happen. 3 years of friendship down the drain. She's 26 years and still a troubled soul. I'd never sit back and watch the same thing happen to another person. I felt like my kindness was exploited and I felt so hurt and humiliated. 
    Post edited by Salix_alba_2019 on
    ShaunieAriannaPast UserAnch0r33
  • JellyelephantJellyelephant Bpd bitch ✌🏼 Posts: 808 Part of The Mix Family
    Something that sticks out in my mind is that we all are referencing one particular ongoing issue that everyone is aware of, including the mix, so it clearly isn’t being dealt with in a way that the community is happy with. So then I start to think it’s not just about making sure we are considerate to the person being disingenuous, but the way they are clearly affecting the wider community here. Having been here many years I can genuinely say I do not think anyone has bad intentions towards any users; some of us feel protective towards our community and I have never seen anyone called out unless there is gaping big holes that are impossible to be true. 

    Also we are commenting thinking about the person lying.... but what about the people who have genuinely experienced the issue that’s been lied about. For example if my rabbit died and then I saw someone pretending their pet died (used a random example so as not to refer to anyone on the boards) I would be so upset. I think that if people felt it was being dealt with appropriately then they would speak to the mix and not comment themselves... but again.... we are adults and should have ownership in some ways. 
    The sun will rise and we will try again 
    Past UserSalix_alba_2019Anch0r33
  • Past UserPast User Posts: 1,998 Extreme Poster
    I hear you guys, I really do and I can understand why you find it frustrating.

    I am completely aware that this is about one person and I’m also aware that you guys noticed a pattern with previous accounts, I know this because you guys pointed it out on a thread, tagging the other accounts. There are links, I agree but I just think there’s ways to go about things.

    i apologise, Shaunie and Jelly if you feel I picked apart your opinion and made you feel uncomfortable by doing that. That was not my intention and I certainly wasn’t saying that your opinion is wrong and mine is right. I was just saying how, if we react in certain ways it can make others feel uncomfortable... I know it because I’ve seen it and felt it.

    i see your point Jelly and Salix. I don’t disagree either. I guess I think that if we are going to question people we do just have to be careful and gentle with how we word it.

    i do get it though, I was just sharing my opinion and maybe I worded it badly but I am much younger than you guys and don’t have the knowledge that perhaps you do. Sorry about that, and sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable with what I said, I would never intentionally make someone feel that way. 

    ill not comment on this thread anymore, I’ve shared my opinion and I’ve heard you guys,  I hope the issue gets dealt with soon either way. 
    GreenTeaLaineSalix_alba_2019Anch0r33
  • AriannaArianna Posts: 75 Budding Regular
    I think there’s a difference between asking people to clarify things so that you can support them (with the full story), and asking people to clarify with the intent of outing them if they’re lying. And of course it’s frustrating all round when someone’s story doesn’t quite add up, but that’s really not for us to judge. They’ve come here for support of some kind and if that means they make something up, and if that’s the way they feel able to get the attention they feel they need, they still deserve support.

    And yes, that’s hugely insensitive to people who really have gone through that situation, if they’re just making that up. And that makes it difficult for us to offer them the support within this community, because we feel we’ve been taken advantage of and that makes us defensive. But that’s why we tell the mix - so that they can handle it, give the necessary consequences, but still offer that person support rather than just ostracising them the way we might (albeit if only out of frustration and vulnerability).

    You’re right, though, @Jellyelephant and @Salix_alba_2019, this is our community and as adults we should get some voice in how this kind of thing is handled - which is why this thread exists, to get our opinions, and why we’re always allowed to ask people questions to clarify things we’re unsure of, and why we can PM the mix to let them know our concerns. And (although it’s not always the best option), we always have the right to just avoid a thread or conversation. There’s no obligation to reply to everyone, the mute function exists, live and let live.

    Honestly more than anything I feel like it does us no harm to be kind. But when we start saying people are lying, we’re too close to the situation to do that objectively and kindly, and that’s when we start attacking people. The thread we’re all referring to was there when I was much newer and the whole thing was stressful - the fact that someone was saying they were in such a traumatic situation but wouldn’t give us enough detail to support them, and the fact that people got pretty frustrated about it. And, as you said, @Shaunie, sure, it would have been stressful to support them as a newbie and then realise that they were lying. But it was more stressful to see that sometimes, even in a supportive community, people could respond in ways that weren’t always kind. 

    @Liam You don’t need to apologise, buddy. You’ve shared your opinion, which we all have every right to, and honestly you did so very respectfully and eloquently. Props to you. Sometimes misunderstandings happen, but that’s no one’s fault at all. It’s just what happens in an online community like this one where we don’t have the advantage of tone and body language to read what everyone else is feeling. I completely agree with most everything you’ve said. We lose nothing by being kind, even when that’s difficult - but there’s everything to be lost in attacking someone for lying when we have no concrete proof at all. And even if they are lying - that may frustrate us, but it doesn’t make us unsafe. And if we can treat them kindly, even without proof of truth, that proves to them that we’re worth trusting, no matter what they’ve gone through.
    Past UserAnch0r33
  • JellyelephantJellyelephant Bpd bitch ✌🏼 Posts: 808 Part of The Mix Family
    I literally cba with people telling me my feedback is wrong so please stop or just @ me lol when it’s something that blatantly references me. 

    On the thread arianna you are referencing I read it and wanted to help because i felt bad for the person but it is difficult to give advice when you don’t understand the situation... as I have a lot of knowledge on how to access certain types of help and procedures etc... so yeh I do ask details that might seem random to others but I am trying to work out what the best path to follow is (in terms of most appropriate support)... but then it sometimes is apparent that the story is false. 

    I am referring in my comments to a completely fabricated story not something where the details have been changed a bit etc. Blatant outright false claims and continuing to lie. I think people need to take a bit of responsibility for themselves tbh - we have rules for things on the boards but I can’t just say soz wanted attention I’m struggling and do whatever I want and fuck the consequences to everyone else.

    exactly yes this thread is for our opinions and it is shitty to take shots at people for having different opinions to yourself. Like that bit you wrote to Liam at the end you may as well @ me on it. 

    This whole thread is a disaster tbh I am not replying anymore because people are posting saying be kind and then taking sly shots at others. Not exactly kind that is it. 

    And yeh in real life I would be a lot more blunt than I ever am on the boards. If someone lies to me and I am 100% sure yes I will say something. Here on the boards I am less so but I am who I am. You lot making me look like a bad person and saying am unkind well fuck that tbh 
    The sun will rise and we will try again 
  • ShaunieShaunie 🌸 Posts: 12,486 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    edited August 2020
    I will ask some a question if it doesn’t make sense and I want to work out if it’s all a lie or not of corse you would be like oh right that’s weird don’t make sense. Are you telling me you wouldn’t wanna know if you’re supporting someone who seems to be clearly lying? If they’re not telling the truth every single time they come here. Ofc just ask this to see if it’s genuine when people are emotional investing their time to support them. It’s not a small lie and it’s not a one off.

    this thread is called the importance of being genuine not the importance of believing people. Because we need people to be genuine for the community to work. Being anonymous - We base support purely on what we are And some one is clearly not. Not because we just feel like it’s probs all lies. But cause it’s not making sense. Like facts not opinions And I feel like some people just wanna let them carry on not telling the truth. Probably not but that’s how FEELS. I can’t imagine how unhealthy mentally that is for that person to be doing it,  let alone the community. 

    .
    JellyelephantPast User
  • AriannaArianna Posts: 75 Budding Regular
    @Jellyelephant I did @ you! To say that I agree with a lot of what you’ve said about us having rights to decide how things work in our community. We all have opinions, we’re all allowed them, and there’s a lot of overlap between them! No one has been unkind - we’re all doing our best to communicate about something we feel strongly about in a way that’s as healthy as possible.

    @Shaunie, we aren’t just letting them carry on not telling the truth. We’re handling it, whether by choosing not to reply, or by telling the mix, or by asking them gentle questions without accusation, to find out what’s going on. We don’t want people to lie and neither do we want to attack them, we just want to handle it as carefully as possible.
    Past Userjurlew4111
  • ShaunieShaunie 🌸 Posts: 12,486 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    edited August 2020
    Yeah I don’t want to attack them either. But I feel like just me saying I would ask them questions when don’t make sense. people are saying that’s completely wrong of me when Mike said we can. Well confused. 
    .
    AriannaPast UserSalix_alba_2019
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