Possible breakup

Former Member

I really need some advice from people who might have been through similar or in a long-distance relationship now others views on this situation really. I feel so helpless right now.

Me and my boyfriend have been going out since January. Everything is going fine with us and there are no issues apart from the distance there now is. We are now about 200miles apart because of corona and unsure when we will next see each other.

Last night we called after a little while of not talking because of exams and I could tell something was up. He told me he is struggling with lockdown and the distance between us and how there will always be distance now (he is doing a year working when i am in my last year at uni and then i would finish uni by his last year the year after). He assured me all the feelings are still there and he didn't want to break up with me but he isn't happy at the moment and wanted to let me know. He told me he would never break up with me over the phone/facetime and would come and see me first and we don't have to decide what we are going to do immediately but its made me so so so upset.

I do really love him and feel so comfortable around him and he has helped me through so so much. I would hate to break up because i am finally happy but i dont want him to stay with me for that reason if he doesnt want to and isnt happy. Now im in some weird limbo where we are together but i dont really feel like we are at the same time and as much as i want to see him it would be so hard if he came down to see me and i knew we would then break up at the end. I would prefer him to end it now if thats what he wanted so i could try and move on than keep being together and then breaking up in a couple of months if that's what is going to happen. but then i don't want to end it if there is the possibility that we would work through it. I am happy to do distance if he is but we have to both want to make it work.

I keep thinking about it and crying all the time and the first thing i want to do is call or message him when im upset but i dont think it will help the situation at all. I am giving him space to think about what he wants for a few days.

Has anyone been through similar and can offer advice or give their view on it? It would be very appreciated! 

Former Member

Hi @Esme17

Sorry to hear you're in this situation, it sounds really tough especially during the lock-down. Sending hugs

I know long distance and especially in quarantine can make things very hard and create doubts and many relationships have been strained just because of the uncertainty. I haven't in that situation in particular but am in a long distance relationship. Have you told him how you feel? Maybe it would help him open up more in how he feels. 

Azziman

Agreed with mags, I think you need to talk to him about how you feel, and discuss this properly between the two of you. People often have doubts about themselves or relationships during these times, so make sure you both talk and figure out what you want x

Former Member

@Past User @Azziman Thanks for both of the messages. 

We did talk quite a lot about it but i was crying quite a bit so couldn't really get what i wanted to say across properly so i sent him a message a few hours after explaining what i thought about it all. I am leaving it a few days and then see how i feel and if I'm still really upset about it i will see if we can call to talk about it again but i don't want how i feel to influence him if that makes sense? or for it to be the only thing we seem to talk about. I don't want to call him and be really upset about it all and then he feels sorry for me and that he has to stay with me if he doesn't want to. I know what i want and have told him so I'm kind of leaving it to him for what he wants. 

independent_

Hi @Esme17, it’s lovely to hear from you again.

I’m sorry to hear you’re in this situation. I’m not in this position exactly but I’m in an LDR and the lockdown has put a massive strain on it. We’re in a similar situation, 120 miles apart and no idea when we’ll be able to travel to see each other again - he’s in England and I’m in Scotland so that complicates it. So I can totally understand where you’re coming from on that. Distance is really hard in normal times, but this situation and lockdown makes it a lot harder.

I think by giving it time and giving him some space it’ll help you both to have a think about things and what you really want. The time will help you to come back to it with a clearer head and help you to decide what’s best for you. So definitely come back to it in a few days and then try to talk about it then.

I wish you all the best, and we’re always here if you need to talk  

Former Member

Hi @independent_

I knew lockdown would put a strain on it, especially as we were only really together for a few months before we had to be apart. Luckily we are both in England which makes it a bit easier but his sister still has to isolate until July apparently due to a medical condition so he is still in strict isolation too. I have never been in a distance relationship before, this is my first ever relationship and then we went straight to lockdown, so I'm unsure what it would be like in a 'normal' situation. 

He knows I am upset by what he said about it but i don't feel that i can talk to him at the moment cause he needs space to sort himself out without having to deal with me. I do want to make it work if we can because i think it will be easier where there are not any of these restrictions anymore which is why i think I'm so upset now thinking that he doesn't want to try. 

independent_

Esme17 said:

Hi @independent_

I knew lockdown would put a strain on it, especially as we were only really together for a few months before we had to be apart. Luckily we are both in England which makes it a bit easier but his sister still has to isolate until July apparently due to a medical condition so he is still in strict isolation too. I have never been in a distance relationship before, this is my first ever relationship and then we went straight to lockdown, so I'm unsure what it would be like in a 'normal' situation. 

He knows I am upset by what he said about it but i don't feel that i can talk to him at the moment cause he needs space to sort himself out without having to deal with me. I do want to make it work if we can because i think it will be easier where there are not any of these restrictions anymore which is why i think I'm so upset now thinking that he doesn't want to try. 

I can understand that @Esme17, it’s difficult to talk about these things rationally when we’re really upset about it. Hence why I would agree that giving him space is a good idea for now.

My partner and I have been together for 2 years and we’ve always been long distance, so my situation is slightly different. It’s so important that, when you feel you are able to, you do try to talk to him and express how you feel. 

JustV

Agree on everything already said, especially about open communication and allowing space.

I've got some experience with LDRs, and can relate in how difficult it is locking down separately as a couple. It's really not easy, especially when things are so uncertain and it feels like no end is in sight.

He told me he is struggling with lockdown and the distance between us and how there will always be distance now (he is doing a year working when i am in my last year at uni and then i would finish uni by his last year the year after).

Just to clarify: when is this transition happening @Esme17?

Can I also ask what specifically about the distance is putting such a strain on you both? For example, purely missing each other, being unfocused on the relationship, maybe mental health. I'm aware there are a lot of factors that can be tough to untangle, so no worries if that's hard to answer!

I can't figure out how to word this next bit, so not sure if it makes sense. I wonder if a fully commited, healthy, genuine, loving connection being strained by lockdown is the best case senario here. I'm just thinking about the options and, if your relationship is otherwise thriving, keeping hold of that despite the strain might give him more than he'd have without a relationship at all. Obviously I can't speak for your partner and his motivations, but I'm wondering if he's perhaps scrambling for a way out of a difficult relationship when actually a difficult relationship is the best you can hope for now. I realise that assumes being single would be even harder for him, and that may not be true for everyone.

That's also assuming there's nothing you can both do to help make things work. Whether that's adjusting your expectations of each other and creating a new 'rulebook', or setting out a plan for the future so there is some clear end in sight and a return to normality on the horizon.

Relationships can be tough right now and maybe even harder when we're holding ourselves to the same standards as pre-COVID, when really what we need is new standards and a new 'normal'.

Keep us posted on how it goes, and sending love.

Former Member

Hi @Mike thanks for you reply  

The thing i said about distance is from now really. The end of this uni year would have been our last time in the same place and obviously that was cut short (about 4 months earlier than we expected). I am going into my third year of uni in September and he is doing a year in industry before his third year the September after so we will be in different places then and then by the time he is in his third year i would have already graduated (if it all goes to plan!)

Im not really sure what is putting a strain on us both. I know personally i was struggling with going from seeing him most days to only being able to talk on facetime but i started to get used to that and looked forward to our chats and when i would next see him in person when lockdown was lifted.
I cant talk for him and what he feels but it all changed after/during exams. I gave him space for revision etc and then after his exams we were planning to facetime and then he went all weird and that's when he said we should talk. He said he was really missing his sport and felt bad because he couldn't be there for me and be happy/give me what i need and how he is struggling and lockdown is getting to him and he copes from being alone but that's not fair on me and that he was sorry etc.
I guess for both of us its the missing each other and then mental health putting the most strain on it? 

What you said makes sense. I thought the same but i don't know how he feels and i don't know how to ask him and i don't feel that i can yet. He told me all the feeling were still there for him and its just the distance/lockdown but i overthink everything and cant help thinking that he doesn't like me anymore and that he is using that as an excuse to leave me. I have tried to tell him i think it will get easier when we have the ability to be allowed to freely travel to each others houses and stay with each other even though there will still be the distance as we won't feel as trapped.
I know for me its easier being with him at the moment and knowing i have someone to go to if i need to chat and just having that someone there. It would be so hard for me if we broke up now after i have been looking forward to seeing him again for 10 weeks ish and that there was nothing that went wrong between us if that makes sense? I would be so much harder breaking up but again i don't know how he feels about that.

Former Member

Hi @Esme17

Sending you hugs! I can imagine how difficult it must be at the moment, long distance can be horrible at the best of time but the restrictions and fact that he has to isolate must be making it much tougher. I agree with all the advice above and think that communication is key.

I wonder whether you've had a look at this The Mix article about long-distance relationships:
https://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/relationships/long-distance-relationships-2943.html

There's also an article here about virtual date ideas (I know it's really difficult for you both but maybe you could suggest trying to do something like this and it might help you embrace being long-distance - if you both want to work on your relationship this might be a good way to start):
https://www.stylist.co.uk/life/virtual-date-ideas-digital-dating/378570
https://www.lbcnews.co.uk/uk-news/coronavirus-long-distance-couples-offer-tips/
https://www.crikey.com.au/2020/05/22/how-to-handle-a-long-distance-relationship-during-coronavirus-lockdown/

Former Member

Hi @Past User

Yeah it is quite hard. I have given him space and going to call him over the weekend I think to properly talk things through. 

Thanks for the links I will have a read of them this evening!

JustV

Thanks for explaining @Esme17. That makes a lot of sense.

So it sounds like his way of managing is to withdraw and be alone, and he feels that isn't fair on you because of how much you look forward to talking and spending (virtual) time together? I can see how that would create a bit of a divide and make things tricky for you both. I guess one of the things with lockdown is it can make problems out of things that might otherwise be perfectly livable.

He told me all the feeling were still there for him and its just the distance/lockdown but i overthink everything and cant help thinking that he doesn't like me anymore and that he is using that as an excuse to leave me.

This is quite a human way to respond, and it's tough when that worry/insecurity creeps in. Has your partner said anything before that might lead you to rationally think this might be the case?

If you want some tips on LDRs more generally, there are some great threads already out there, like Long Distance Relationships TIPS! by @ViilJa. We seem to have a lot of collective experience with LDRs on the community so I imagine we can pool together some useful nuggets of advice.

Best of luck with chatting to him this weekend, and keep us updated on what happens.

Former Member

Hi @Mike

Yeah i think we definitely deal with things differently which has made now so hard. Especially as i feel things would have been perfectly fine if lockdown didn't happen. 

He has never said anything to make me think that he doesn't want to be with me in a rational way. If anything its the other way around and he always says that we need to work on my insecurities so i can see myself how he sees me and so i am not as hard on myself but i don't think that's going to happen for a while. 

I will have a look at the thread. Thanks for sharing it with me