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Starting Counselling

SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
edited September 2019 in Health & Wellbeing
So i didnt know id be start counselling until yesterday. With rape crisis. First one is on thurday and im really scared. I have been going to emotional support sessions with a volutter & that was every 2 weeks but i stopped it because it wasnt helpful for me. Counselling is every week. Emotional support was not time limited so thats why i choose emotional support. Counselling is up to 20 sessions. Which i guess is a lot anyway. And i think maybe counselling would be better know there is a time limit and i think maybe shed be more trained and less time inbetween to over think or feel less connected the next time i see her and id have a chance to say how id like to be supported since she will be aware that ive tried someone else and may ask me. Basically what i dont want is someone to assume things i do not want to talk about. I get scared the assume i dont want to speak about it because they dont want to. 
And also emotional support was less intense so i think thats why they suggested it. So now id feel more overwhelmed ???

but tbh idek if will help considering even if i do say what i want to - she will probably find ways to never speak about it again & lead it more to aviod disgusting words. 
I just feel so bad & really scared to see her as the first time i meet the voultter i knew i didnt feel comfortable in first few mins lol. So im scared of not feeling comfortable with her and then being stuck with 20 sessions. I doubt theyd find me another person again , plus theyd think i dont feel comfortable with anyone. And i know it will feel uncomfortable cause speaking about uncomfortable things. But yeah ive seen lots of health professionals & thats the only time ive actually changed cause i felt uncomfortable with the person so its unlikely.
I dont think even deserve support

And i am feeling so bad for the volutter im not seeing now. She could be happy shes not speaking to disgusting person now. But she may of taken it personally and wonder what shes doing wrong and rape crisis told her and im kinda upset i wont see her again cause she was nice just not working. & just ended without me speaking to her so I want to send her a message as i feel like maybe i should since i have her number and wish her all the best for the future but i have no idea how to word and not sure if anyone can help?
“And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    It's understandable that you're scared. You're strong and brave for going and for trying to get the right help <3 I hope things turn out well.

    I think a counsellor would have to be an easy-going person with the right training, so I doubt she's going to not want to or find ways to not speak about it.

    You really do deserve support and I don't see you as a disgusting person <3

    I think what I'd do with the message is just be honest, expressive and kind - I might say something like, "Hello [name], I feel bad about ending our sessions because you were really nice. It just wasn't working for me and I wanted to try something a bit different. I hope you know it's nothing to do with you. Just wanted to wish you the best for the future and say thank you, I'm really grateful for your kindness and help :)".
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 82 Budding Regular
    Hi @Shaunie, that's great that you are starting counselling. Its understandable that you have worries about how the sessions will go and opening up to a new person. You might find that the first one is more about them getting to know you and you could ask them so questions to make you feel more comfortable?

    Have you thought about writing down some of your concerns as well as a list of goals or particular areas of conversation you would like to cover before you meet as a starting point for your first session? For example you could say that with emotional support you've had before, you felt that there were some sensitive topics were avoided but actually those are the things that you want to talk about and discuss more in depth to help come to terms with but equally you do find it difficult to open up about those things? 

    You definitely deserve all the support available to you, you've come so far and its really brave and admirable of you to seek counselling to discuss how you're feeling  <3 
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited September 18
    Thank you both!! <3. I sent her basicaly what you said @Past User lol very helpful thank you!  She relied back and was such a lovely reply ! <3. So im feeling a lot bettter cause seemed genuine too

    yeah the first is getting to know her and on the phone she said would be different to the first time with the voluteer and more questions. I think maybe ask things they asked when i first referred with them like "what do hope to get out of this" and what not so hopeful can say. Its at 10. Hate them being this early. But will probs post on here after
    Post edited by TheMix on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 274 The Mix Regular
    Hey @Shaunie

    Really great to hear that you chose to message your previous counsellor and that they replied with a lovely message. This world would continue to be a much better place to live in if people like yourself, who want to message people in a positive spirit, continue to do so :)

    And also I'd like to reiterate that you definitely do deserve the support that is currently being offered. So is your first session tomorrow morning or was it this morning?

    If it is tomorrow then really best of luck! And if it was today, how did it go? It sounded like even when you were having doubts in your first post the level of self-awareness you maintained means that youre hopefully going to really benefit from these sessions. And your most recent post seemed really progressive and confident so I hope it has/will gone/go well :) 

  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Hey,

    thank you - it was today & just finshed. It was okay. Didnt feel uncomfortable with her. Was just uncomfortable with the situation so i guess thats okay. 

    Also going to sound really weird of me but had a idea of what she looked like because they only gave me her first name which is actually common but i still thought id google her name lol, put in my area and typed in "counselling" to see if i can find her (like i know counsellors have a web page for people who are looking for counsellors and has photo of themselves) and i only found one person with that name in the area and it was actually her lol. Sound like a right weirdo creep but dk rather know what people atleast look like before meeting them

    But it was okay. Just the usual asking questions and getting to know me start. The only thing that totally confused me was about how you have to be careful talking about what happened incase there was ever a court case or case went further she has notes. Like details of dates and stuff. And i just got comfused. Theres no court case so i can say stuff ? Um i need to tell someone. And why would it matter if there was a court case. Totally confused 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 82 Budding Regular
    Hi @Shaunie, I'm glad your first session went well and you didn't feel uncomfortable with your new councillor. It's completely understandable that the situation itself was slightly uncomfortable, you've done so well just by taking the step to show up. You should be really proud of yourself ! <3 

    I also Google people sometimes, especially if I have a job interview I'll have a look to see if I can find the person who will be interviewing me if possible. Its always nice to put a face to a name and I bet there are other people who have done it as well  :)

    With the confusion around what you can and cant say, it might be helpful next time you meet to ask them to clarify what they mean by this to make you feel more ease. Overall though, how are you feeling now that you've met your councillor and how the session has gone? You've taken a really positive step and we are always here for you as well  <3



  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited September 2019
    Thank you! Forgot to asked! But anyways Had counselling this morning. It was okay. Went really quickly. Just finding about how to feel comfortable to be able to say the abuse. I was close but didnt. Whats also really hard is i feel like it takes a good few mins to feel comfortable in the room and by that time feel comfortable in the room its like half past and then im trying to say but cant then by that time got 10 mins left and cant say it when got 10 mins left because its too much of a big thing to say within 10 mins if any of that makes sense. So have thoughts away of trying to be comfortable around it and being mindful that cant say within the laSt few mins of it and somewhere near the start to say it first otherwsie gunna feel like shit. So going to try this next week. 

    Basically just her telling me shes not going say something to show shes judging me and then me saying wellll you aint gunna say what you think. And then her saying we will not even judge in her head and then me saying wellllll you dont know what i did yet to be able to say im not disgusting. And yeah that will forever go round in circles so i just need to say it. 

    I cant say wee or pee out loud. So i said i think i know a way to go around it and hopeful you can guess what happened and the words i dont want to say..... so basically i will say he locked me up in his house for three days (thats how far i got today). Then hopefully next week i can say he didnt let me go toilet.... and she can guess what happens after this right? Or would i need to say and then he forced me to do something ON him? Or maybe can guess? Then hopefully she can guess my triggers and well i bet shes gunna be too scared to use the words cause disgusting and i know thats gunna make me feel bad if shes hesitant to use the words too

    i think i just kinda wanna be vague details to say how affects me
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited September 2019
    But now think about it she was asking me what i told the police and if i can tell her. And seems like she doesnt want me to say more than what ive told to the police and i just dont understand cause no court case. Why need to be careful idek. This all happened no matter what or how i may or may of not said it. But yea asking me to tell her what i told to the police. Massive trigger. You do not want to know what i told the police. :'(And idc about it theres no investigaion. im not going to say how i said it to the police cause i didnt say it right to the police. :'(
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited September 2019
    Had counselling again. Its going okay. Just finding so hard to say. Couldnt even say what i wanted. Only could say "i was forced sex but something else happened but want you to know just hard to say" so after awhile she said "is it to do with human waste". And i was just thinking whattt how do you know. But i iust said yeah and she said "how does that make you fele me saying that". I said im just confused on how you know that. She said shes a counsellor and has heard of all sort and thats where her mind went after i said its not sex that makes me feel this bad. 

    Human waste does mean wee and poo right??not missing something here ore

    But im still thinking- i swear this is rare to happen and for someone to be that sick to make someone things to do with that.So al i kept thinking "hes done this to someone else and she was their counselllor" 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭. That would be my fault. 😭😭😭😭
    Post edited by Siena on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Ffs. I know this is a bit disgusting so its fine if no one replies, feel sorry for the counsellor too, she has to reply.

    but am i just being stupid but i googled "human waste" the main thing being poo???? It does mean wee aswell???? I dont want her to think i was made to poo on him cause thankfully that didnt happen. When someone says "human waste" what do you think??  Omg being forced to wee on someone is nothing compared to that so she may think the worst ://. Omg maybe people are always forcing each other to wee on each other and just some sick thing but not see as that trumaatic???
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • MaisyMaisy Deactivated Posts: 701 Part of The Mix Family
    edited September 2019
    Well done you for going to counselling. It can be a very difficult process and it can be really hard to talk about things. It makes sense that you'd want to open up and yet not actually say certain things. It also sounds like you have a really intuitive counsellor who is able to work out what you might not want to talk about. As the counsellor said, she has heard all sorts of things during her time as a counsellor which is possibly how she is able to work out what you didn't want to say. It doesn't mean that the person who abused you did this to someone else and that she was their counsellor. And even in the rare coincidence that would be, it wouldn't be your fault either. 

    You aren't stupid for looking up 'human waste'. It makes sense that since you feel unable to explicitly talk about it and your counsellor guessed, that you would want to make sure that both you and your counsellor have a shared understanding and that there isn't a misunderstanding. Human waste is practically anything that can come out of the body, so yes, wee and poo. Being forced to do anything is bad enough and it can be very traumatic and humiliating. 
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  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you Maisy. 

    Keep thinking about it and maybe she got it from because i said "sometimes i get triggered by a daily thing, that feel is disgusting, that i cant get away from" but i didnt say that today. And she did say "i hear all sorts" but she didnt exactly say shes heard that. But assuming she meant that cause kinda felt like she said shes heard that happening. I may ask her.
     Im scared that maybe she doesnt wanna see me now knowing part of it. 

    I just keep thinking maybe its not actually that traumatising thing to happen, in other peoples views, the more i think about it. Its not like sex where put something in their body and become that intermate yet feel less affected by sex. And now im just wondering maybe everyone on here thinks im pathetic. Cant even explain how huminating it was tho and it may sound really pathetic but i cant even explain how horrible it was and how try to force yourself not to and your body cant take it and so you feel you did it in the end and itwas only you cause youre one who tried to force your body not to and because its your body. But i know biggger picture he forced me. 

    I feel like im just gunna keep thinking about this now she knows apart of it. And trying to think if she thinks in disgusting.  And thinking in my head about what she thinks exactly happened. So i feel like i should of just said it instead to aviod trying to mind read each other lol
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited September 2019
    Fml i cant stop questioning how she knew 😭😭😭😭😭. When i spoke to the police about it once in hospital i said i could say but if they could guess it would help me to say, knowing you know it can happen. So aaked them to guess every sexual abuse and they never did & theyre the police & see everything. So how did she gues. Probably cause shes spoketo someone who he did it to 😭 is my fault cause am a liar
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Can not tell if i feel generally unwell, slightly constantly feeling sick since seeing her from thinking about it or is from floxatine. 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭. 
    I have not felt this agitated for ages 😭😭😭😭😭. Its more than a feeling of wanting to die. Just want to leave my body and world. I literally feel soo agitated to still be alive and repeat every single shitty day. I dont see the point anymore. I wanted to apply for peer supoort worker roles they have out now but i cant cause of embarrassing problem thats getting worse,thought was getting better but now worse, will never seek help for it. So thats that. just want to die omg i cant cope
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Omg im being serious & no one cares or understands.  I feel so so awful😭😭😭😭😭😭😭. I cant kill myself today And im safe and have no plans but i don’t know how much more i can take and i really dont think i will be alive much longer. I just feel sooo awful and feel done. None of tbis matters we all die anyway and become just some faded memory when people we know die. When have no hope, you die. I really think this is happening. I need to leave world and body 😭😭😭. Same paraniod problems every single day and i cant be bothered. 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    Hey @Shaunie

    I'm really sorry to hear you're feeling like this at the moment... We really do care about you here although of course might not understand what you're going through - we try our best to help anyway. Do you want to talk some more about what's going on today - you mentioned you had a problem that kept getting worse that you won't seek help for? Are you still worrying about how your counsellor guessed what you had been through? 

    It sounds like you're having counselling weekly, do you have a session this week? Do you reckon you could ask her to explain how she guessed so she can put your mind at ease about that? It sounds like you've made some assumptions that are making you feel even worse :disappointed:

    I'm glad that you are safe, thank you for saying that, but really hope we can support you enough to get you out of this that you're feeling. Sending you loads of hugs <3

    - Lucy
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you @Lucy307

    yeah just feeling really shit and not sure why im still alive. Problem doesnt seems to go away & fed up of it

    yeah have counselling weekly so on thursday again and scared. Cause its time limited and it takes me ages to open up cause dont want her to see me as bad as i do have to see her everyweek & dont want to be seen differently. 
    I did ask her and she explained that nothing will shock or suprise her. And then she was like "are you still questioning how i knew" i said yeah and she just said similar of how shes heard all sorts ect. But idk of she meant that. But yeah i didnt wanna be annoying & still say idk but i may ask her if heard of it happening.  

    We been going into the rooms that have locks on. And she asked me why keep looking at the door so i said the lock is kinda triggering. (Because was locked up. Its hard to speak about it as makes me feel suffocated let alone looking at a locked door near my face). So she puts sellotape over it befor get there and it kinda makes me feel even more awkward that theres tape on the door cause im that pathetic


    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    Sending lots of love Shaunie <3

    It sounds awful for you and it hurts to see you feeling so hopeless and low. It must be distressing to have the need to leave your body and the world. Feeling agitated by just living and repeating every day is such an exhausting and desperate thing to feel, and I'm so sorry you feel like there's no point and that none of it matters when we die. I can relate to a lot of what you say.

    Do you want to say a bit more on no one caring or understanding (e.g you feel like people always get it wrong)? That sounds lonely and I can tell you that I care very much <3 

    It sounds like the thing you won't say is something particularly affecting your hope. I just want to remind you again that if you do want to tell us, we want to hear about it and won't be embarrassed. Do you think you could write a letter about it to your doctor? Or would you like us to try to guess or anything? There's no pressure to, not now or ever if it doesn't really click with what you need. It must feel really helpless to have it restricting you but to be too embarrassed to seek help for it.

    I don't think of it as pathetic that him making you wee on him was so traumatic for you. It's understandable it was humiliating. I can just imagine how distressing and scarring it could be to go through x You're also not pathetic for finding the locks triggering and for tape being put over them.

    I'm sure your counsellor didn't guess because she saw another person who your rapist abused. If she did, it wouldn't be your fault at all. Anything that he does is his responsibility. It's understandable you lied to the police about the rape. It sounds like she just went from what you said and the other sorts of experiences she's heard, like she said <3

    She won't think you're disgusting or see you as bad. It makes sense that you'd worry about that, especially when you feel disgusted and dirty yourself x

    I know how bad you're feeling and can really sense it. Sorry I'm not that helpful, I just want to say just message me or post on here if you need anything, we're always here <3
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited September 18
    Thank you v much @Past User

    just had counselling and i feel so bad for her. I literally felt like i could barely speak :'( . I feel so bad i couldnt/ didnt want to speak about anything dirty. And i felt like she didnt either. Everytime it went in that direction she made no eye contact and it felt weird. Like she was speaking to the floor and couldnt look at me when before she was makig good eye contact. So i dk if she thought im disgusting or what. But then when she did make eye contact she did one of those 'i feel sorry for you' face, like where bottom lip goes up lol. And now im over thinking this actually means 'thats disgusting' face. Or im fed up face. She did fhat like 3 times. 


    We hardly spoke about what happened. But she did say "so we know its human waste, im guessing it was either he did it on you or you did it on him" i said both and then we did breathing excerise and stopped speaking about that cause too much. But now feel bad its only the word "human waste" ratjer than specific 

    we mostly talked aboit my isocolation. And how maybe the shame makes me want to hide away and How i feel when i get messages i dont reply to. Ect. Which was overwhelming cause i know i havw lot of facebook messages from friends i dont reply to. 

    Im glad i was able to say i felt confused on how she knew. I said that maybe you have meet with someone whos meet him. She said no def not because nothings idenitcal. But how do you known all you kno is human waste. So was still confused. But she said she has heard of all sorts of happenng and wont be shocked by anything.


    I jsut feel bad really bad cause kinda wanted more clear on what the words human waste actually mean to her. But its my own fault cause she did ask me what i wanted to speak about or direction to go in. But its iust so much harder than i have in mind   & once im there :'(

    Post edited by TheMix on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    And omg lol. I clearly looked as anxious as i felt  cause she even suggested bringing teddy into the room next time 😂😂😂😂😂😂. Lol he would just be smelling you the whole time ahah. aw she is really nice and seems she does really wanna help jsut feel bad for her cause hard for me to speak sometimes. 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Moderator Posts: 991 Part of The Mix Family
    I'm glad your counselling session went well @Shaunie even though it sounds like it was a little bumpy. Just remember it's very common to feel anxious about something like this. Opening up about your feelings can be scary but hopefully you manage to keep at it and make some progress. Don't forget that everyone here is rooting for you!

    Really nice that she suggested bringing in your dog, might be something worth considering even if he's just gonna get in the way. Dogs can be so calming even when they're being silly. :lol:
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you Riley. I do actually want teddy to come lol but that may make me weird. Im still finding so hard to speak. & dk why cause she seems nice. 

    We spoke about how i feel dirty and how to imagine being in the shower and all dirt coming off. I said i think im dirty inside because showers dont make me clean.  And then was asking what colour would the dirt inside me be. I said yellow but even found that so hard to say. And suggested drawing it on paper and ripping it up... that wont help lol so said no to that. 

    She said how about i write a few things on paper, so she knows if shes going in the right direction in terms of how to speak about it, effects ect. I said i would try to. And now im kinda stressed on what to write. & not even sure myself
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Moderator Posts: 991 Part of The Mix Family
    I think it's pretty common to have difficulty speaking while at counselling, especially if you're talking about traumatic events. Try not to be too down on yourself because even just seeking support like this is a big effort and we're proud of you for doing it!

    You might find it helpful to just try writing down whatever first comes to mind, thinking too much about what you're going to write could be part of why it's so stressful. Good luck with it either way! :)
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited October 2019
    Thank you

    have counselling again tomorrow. Still really struggling to open up. Said i would write some things down to have some starting point but have no idea what to write😭😭😭😭im scared. If i dont do it she will be even more annoyed but have no idea what to write
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 82 Budding Regular
    Hi @Shaunie,

    I think you're really brave for going to counselling and it's completely understandable that you find it difficult to open up  <3 Have you thought about taking points from this thread or other things you have posted that you could write down that you might want to talk about?

    Try not to worry about how she'll feel if you decide not to write anything down, after all she's there to help you any way you can and if you decide you dont want to write things down, then that's okay as well  <3
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Sorry just realised i basically said the same thing as my post before lol head is everywhere. 

    Thank you Evelyn

    theres just so much and idek what to write and she wasnt very specific i guess cause its what i want to talk about. But everything about this is disgusting and it just makes me cringe thinking about it so feel like ive avioded it since i last said until now
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Also definelty not telling her what i tried to do sunday. I think it may be too much and she will say i need different support or we'd speak about coping skills the whole time or shed feel at fault. So yeah atleast i know what i will definetly not say lol
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Hey Shaunie,

    Sending hugs to you :heart: 

    How are you feeling? We are here for you 
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