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Should I see a doctor? (PTW)

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  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    I'm not going. There's no hope. 

    I'm in such a horribly dark place. I really, honestly just want to end my life. 

    I'm fucking safe with family though. 

    I think I'll ask The Mix to delete this. 
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    How do I keep myself alive? Everyday I want to kill myself. Even in the moments where I don't feel quite so bad, I imagine hurting myself and I get the urge to do it for real. It's not fair. It's my life and I want to end it, I just want to be able to.

    Everything I want to say will just be too triggering so I'll shut my mouth I suppose :smile: But I'm feeling horrible and all the time. It would've been great if I'd died in my sleep earlier.

    I'm not going to the doctors today as is evident. I told my dad to cancel because there's just no point and I'm too sad. Sorry, hopefully that's not too annoying to read... I don't know what I'm doing instead, but it's probably gotta be something because I'd rather not be unoccupied with my thoughts.

  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,493 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2019
    @Kathleen07  <3 sounds so awful to be feeling that way :( I can really relate to how you feel. People used to tell me "there's some strength and determination for you to want to be alive because you are still alive when hearing thoughts of wanting to die" people find that the most invalidating thing going (I sometimes still do lol) since they think it means "you don't feel suicidal" it doesn't mean that at all and I'm sorry if read it like that.  I feel like there's some truth in there. Cause we all have a part of us that has a survival instinct and some part of us trying to survive and you can hear the thoughts of wanting to kill yourself and you carry on because maybe there was a tiny bit of hope that your gp could of helped and that it's not completly impossible to have a better life after this awful pain. And sometimes I know that even if possible to get better - can feel so bad that still cant live another day feeling so bad & I hear that too and it's awful :( things could get easier slowly <3 with taking one day at a time

    What i I read the other day was "depression is like being in a mind thats trying to die but a body that's trying to survive" dunno If relate to that but I did just thought I'd put that there. 

    Yesteday you seem to be wanting to go. Did any thing change from yesterday or just feeling worse? 

    We are here for you either way. I just really think you're worthy of more support <3
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    @Shaunie that really means a lot, thank you :heart:

    There is some truth in that saying I guess. But yeah, it doesn't do anything for me because I want to die. It's not even like I want to end the pain, not quite, so I don't need motivation to go on. If that makes sense hah.

    I don't think I wanted to go yesterday but I didn't know what the fuck else to do. How can I kill myself when I'd leave Ruby without an owner? How can I kill myself when my dad's said he'd probably do it himself if I did? How can I kill myself when I'll leave all of my close family devastated? I just can't put everyone through that amount of pain.

    So I've been thinking of going to CAMHS for potential treatment because I don't think there's anything else I can do. I need to feel better - to be less sad, to have enjoyment, to see a point in life, and so on - or I need to kill myself. I guess last night I just got even more doubtful about professional help actually working or if it was the right route to go down.

    Then I just couldn't stop crying last night because I feel so bad and depressed.
  • Millie2787Millie2787 Community Champion Posts: 5,146 Part of The Furniture
    Hey buddy :( 

    did you cancel your doctors appointment or do you think your going to go ? Sometimes taking the first step and saying to someone that attucally something wrong is often the scariest and hardest step to take xx 

    Dont sorry if you don’t go to the doctors you till made that appointment and that’s one step further towards going becuase I remember when you use to be like Nope no not going not making the appointment. So you should be proud of yourself becuase I certainly am xx

    were always here to support you 
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    Thank you @Millie2787 :heart: I didn't go.
  • Millie2787Millie2787 Community Champion Posts: 5,146 Part of The Furniture
    That’s okay xx You will get there slowly ❤️ You got your dad to make an appointment which was next big step , It’s nice to think of it like a ladder and that was the next rung (are they even called that 😂) up . 

    Do you think maybe you could try talking to your dad about things ? Even if it’s just once a week or once every few weeks you could
    both make dinner together and just have a rant about things or a chat about how things are going ?
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    @Millie2787 Thanks so much, but I'm not sure if I'll ever see a doctor. I just don't feel there's a point. I don't know anymore tbh.

    I moan at him too much really haha. I feel really guilty. I constantly go on at him about how sad I am and how I don't know what to do. Yet I refuse to get "help". Especially when he's dealing with his own problems and stress I feel like I should probably shut up.
  • Millie2787Millie2787 Community Champion Posts: 5,146 Part of The Furniture
    Don’t beat yourself up about not going , it’s taken me months and months to finally go to the doctors yesterday . You will get there with time honestly ❤️ 

    Also dont worry about moaning to your dad I’m sure he would much rather you ranted and spoke to him about everything that’s going on rather than you bottleing it up xx

    You need to give yourself credit on how far you’ve come , maybe try and have a Almost self care kind of day today - play some guitar maybe see if you can write some music if you can do that and if you can have a little play time with ruby 
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    I'd rather die and I think that's the right option. I haven't come far at all, if anything I've declined.

    Sorry hahah, I hope I don't sound like a grump or like I don't appreciate your loveliness. Just suffering so much. I think I'd rather close/delete this thread now if that's okay, I'm gonna flag it to the mods.
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