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Should I see a doctor? (PTW)

Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,769 Postholic
I don't feel great about posting, I hope you don't find me useless or annoying - my brain says I am haha - I just don't know where to go really.

I'm feeling really hopeless. I'm safe, but I mean I'm feeling really bad and desperate. It's honestly serious. I'm strugging to see any point in life and I feel the urgency to get help and feel better, or to kill myself. I don't want to live an existence that looks so unenjoyable and sad and meaningless.

I'm thinking of making an emergency doctors appointment. But I'm not sure... One thing is that I can't shake doubtful feelings of, "but what if I'm not suffering as much as it feels, what if I can help myself easily, what if there's nothing wrong with me?". The other thing is I'm scared nothing will help, like, that there truly isn't hope and no treatment will make things better.

Again, I'm safe, I'm just expressing how horrible and hopeless I feel.

Any opinions, encouragment, or even hugs would mean so much right now :heart:
Mia_mooShauniedavcr0ck
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Comments

  • Mia_mooMia_moo Posts: 146 The Mix convert
    Hey Kathleen :) 
    I just want you to know that you are not annoying or useless, we are all here to support you ❤️ I think it would be good if you made an appointment, but obviously this is your decision and I wont try to sway you either way :) In relation to one of your thoughts 'what if there's nothing wrong with me', I think it's important to realize that if you are feeling these things, and there is any doubt in the way that you feel day to day, you deserve help to feel happier. It's not easy to help ourselves, sometimes we need some professional direction to help us along the way :). When I was unsure about getting help because I felt nothing would work, I used to remind myself that I feel really bad at the moment and I can't really feel worse. So if it doesn't help I haven't lost anything, but if it does help it's a bonus! In my opinion it's worth a try, and although I felt nothing could ever possibly work, I have been given things that do :) 

    Sending big hugs your way! ❤️
    Salix_alba_2019Kathleen07davcr0ck
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,769 Postholic
    Aww, thank you @Mia_moo :smile:

    Your kindness and advice is lovely :heart:
    Mia_moo said:
    When I was unsure about getting help because I felt nothing would work, I used to remind myself that I feel really bad at the moment and I can't really feel worse. So if it doesn't help I haven't lost anything, but if it does help it's a bonus! In my opinion it's worth a try, and although I felt nothing could ever possibly work, I have been given things that do :)

    Yeah, I've been trying to think like that and tell myself that there's nothing to lose. I guess that's the logical side, but it just feels so hard to keep that mindset. I need to feel a bit less horrid in order to try and get help, it's hard. But my pets and family wouldn't cope if I died so I think at this point there's not much else I can try.


    I'm so anxious to see a doctor and I don't know if I'd be able to do it. I think I could just run out of the waiting room. But I just feel really bad so it's something I'll have to consider. I've been struggling everyday for so long. Despite the doubt I feel, I don't think I can do anything to help myself.

  • BubblesGoesBooBubblesGoesBoo Sunny ScotlandPosts: 2,668 Mega Poster
    Hey, I think you should make the appointment.. you wont know unless you try.

    I understand your feeling anxious about it, I suppose most people do when they see their Dr about mental health, but explain this to them and they can help you through it :) they're used to seeing this remember.

    im sorry this has gone on for so long, but making that first step could put you on the right path, some things may not work, but others will and your GP can help explore these options with you :)

    as someone who has been deemed 'treatment resistant' there is still hope, my team aint giving up on me and are still exploring things that could help me :) so don't give up on yourself, there is always hope <3
    ' So I put a bullet where I shouda put a helmet, and I crash my car cause I wanna get carried away, that's why I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself 'hey, I wanna get better''  
    Kathleen07
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,769 Postholic
    Thanks so much @BubblesGoesBoo :heart:

    I understand your feeling anxious about it, I suppose most people do when they see their Dr about mental health, but explain this to them and they can help you through it :) they're used to seeing this remember.
    Yeah, I was thinking of explaining to them first that I'm hesitant to talk about it. I'm just really scared about it. I feel like I'm bothering them and it's just generally pretty nerve-racking.

    I might make an appointment. I'm so unsure, I feel so bad hah.
  • BubblesGoesBooBubblesGoesBoo Sunny ScotlandPosts: 2,668 Mega Poster
    @Kathleen07&nbsp; I once read a hospital magazine in England and it said reasons you should and shouldn't attend the GP/A&E, someone actually went to the hospital for a broken false nail :lol: what im trying to say is, GP's/hospitals are there for when something is wrong with our health, mental or physical, it's all health (broken nails are not haha)  you are NOT bothering them by going about this <3
    ' So I put a bullet where I shouda put a helmet, and I crash my car cause I wanna get carried away, that's why I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself 'hey, I wanna get better''  
    Kathleen07Jellyelephant
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,769 Postholic
    A broken false nail?! Haha, that's amusing :lol:

    Thank you, I really appreciate it :heart:
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,718 The Mix Elder
    edited August 14
    Hey!

     It's really hard to be struggling everyday for so long. Can empathise.  - something you definelty need support for cause is horrible. And yeah people say "you're the only one who can help yourself" but sometimes we need extra support otherwise these services wouldn't exist for how you're feeling and that's exactly why your gp is there. And if your gp cant help they may know other places who can or what sort of things that can help. its good you're thinking about this and ways to help yourself - shows some determination there :).

    Do you think writin it down to show them could make it easier ?

    The choice to go is entirely yours but I'm glad you have posted here as maybe we could help you explore your choices. <3 you're very worthy of support & help. 
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
    Kathleen07
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,769 Postholic
    edited August 14
    Thank you @Shaunie :smile:

    I'm assuming the plan is that they'd refer me to CAMHS who could hopefully give me medication or something. But I don't even know if to see a doctor, I feel lost and don't even know what to do anymore.

    I'd honestly just kill myself if my parents, sibling, grandmother and Ruby weren't a worry. I don't think there is help to be honest and I'm so hopeless. There's just simply no way I can carry on feeling this way but it's not gonna get better haha. I might get that emergency appointment tomorrow if I can and if the circumstances are right because I don't know what else I can do, but there's no hope. I just want to kill myself so much. I'm not sure if anyone can even hear me. I'm still "safe" though but I don't want people to think it's less bad just because I'm not able to kill myself. I'm fucking having a breakdown I swear. Anyway.

    Thank you all for your advice and kindness, it really means a lot :heart:

    Millie2787Shaunie
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,769 Postholic
    edited August 15
    (update)

    I have an appointment for tomorrow at 10:40am. I'm so nervous and I really don't know if it's a good idea, but I woke up this morning in the mindset that it's all I can try. I guess I have to actually try to get better before I go ahead and kill myself because the rest of my family would end up killing themselves too.

    I honestly feel like there's no hope. There's evidently a little part of me that wishes for there to be hope and knows there could be, otherwise I wouldn't make the appointment, but I feel so so hopeless.

    I think the anxiousness is gonna kill me and I'll probably cancel last minute :sweat_smile:
    Mia_mooShaunieAife
  • Millie2787Millie2787 Carer/Craft Lover Posts: 2,349 Mega Poster
    You can do this I believe in you , I know it’s really difficult. What I found helpful today was to bullet point the things I was struggling with and I gave it to the GP to read and she went through each point with me 

    and I think you mean 10:40 Am ;) 
    “ I believe that you have the power to achieve whatever you put your mind too, You are living a life’s most people won’t  ever understand but that’s what will Be the root of all your determination and success. You have a soul full of love and kindness and I just know that despite all the hardship, a life’s of happiness awaits you and I’m very proud of you, just keep holding on” 
    Kathleen07
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,769 Postholic
    Aww, thank you @Millie2787 :heart:

    And yeah, I did mean 10:40am haha, thanks for pointing that out! I've corrected that now.

    I don't know honestly, I feel so hopeless, I don't think there is any help.
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,718 The Mix Elder
    Well done!<3 I know that would of been hard for you <3 hope goes okay 
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
    Kathleen07
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,769 Postholic
    @Shaunie thanks, you're really kind :heart:

    It's a GP I haven't met before so that doesn't help with my nervousness. Everyone I've met there has been nice and helpful, but I'm still scared of someone being nasty or judgmental.

    I'm really not sure if I should do this and I have such a dreadful sort of feeling that it's for nothing. I feel like life truly is this meaningless, unenjoyable thing. And that I'll always be this sad. And that I truly am worthless. You get the idea. I'm scared the depression I feel is reality, not in my head.

    I'll stop moaning now :lol: But I'm so scared about this and though I'll try not to, don't be surprised if I don't go tomorrow.
    Aife
  • Millie2787Millie2787 Carer/Craft Lover Posts: 2,349 Mega Poster
    edited August 15
    Writing a list really can help trust me I froze today and just gave them the list and she went through each point and started the discussion which helped xx  Also I’m so so proud of you for making the appointment I know that would of been hard ❤️

    Example list (of what I can remember what you’ve said feel free to take things out add things etc 
    Anxiety 
    ~ not sleeping 
    ~Feeling on edge 
    ~ Anxiety around caring for ruby 
    mood 
    ~ feelings Surrounding death 
    ~ feeling hopeless 
    ~Low mood 
    ~ feeling like life is meaningless
    ~ feeling like I’m useless 
    ~ Not enjoying things anymore 

    “ I believe that you have the power to achieve whatever you put your mind too, You are living a life’s most people won’t  ever understand but that’s what will Be the root of all your determination and success. You have a soul full of love and kindness and I just know that despite all the hardship, a life’s of happiness awaits you and I’m very proud of you, just keep holding on” 
    Kathleen07
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,769 Postholic
    @Millie2787 thanks so much :heart:

    I think I'll just talk as I go along instead haha. That feels a bit easier for me. But writing a list is a good idea.

    And be proud of my dad, he was the one who did the phoning them and booking it! But I did kind of struggle to ask him to. I'm pretty terrified. I don't think there's a point in this.
    Millie2787
  • Salix_alba_2019Salix_alba_2019 Posts: 129 The Mix convert
    You've got this @Kathleen07 ❤️
    Kathleen07
  • Millie2787Millie2787 Carer/Craft Lover Posts: 2,349 Mega Poster
    There is a point sweetie :) becuase there will be something they can do to help you and they might see you every month or so just to check if you’ve got to wait to be seen by a service xx ❤️ They will believe you and you have to put some trust in them they are there to help 
    “ I believe that you have the power to achieve whatever you put your mind too, You are living a life’s most people won’t  ever understand but that’s what will Be the root of all your determination and success. You have a soul full of love and kindness and I just know that despite all the hardship, a life’s of happiness awaits you and I’m very proud of you, just keep holding on” 
    Kathleen07
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,769 Postholic
    Thank you both for the loveliness and help @Salix_alba_2019 @Millie2787 :smile:

    I'm so fucking nervous already. I'll try not to cancel because as I've said, what else is there I can do? But I'm so consumed with worry and doubt. I'll probably wet myself with anxiety :joy: Haha.

    All these thoughts of, what if the doctor is mean or judgmental? What if social services get called out to the house (long and silly story for those who don't already know)? What if there's nothing they can do? What if this isn't the right move? And so on.
  • Millie2787Millie2787 Carer/Craft Lover Posts: 2,349 Mega Poster
    The doctors won’t be mean and judgemental that’s not what their there for . Do you think you could tell your dad the things you want to say Just incase tou get too anxious and he can talk to the doctor for you. 

    Its also very normal to feel anxious about the appointment but I promise you that they are there to help and will suggest different things that could help 
    “ I believe that you have the power to achieve whatever you put your mind too, You are living a life’s most people won’t  ever understand but that’s what will Be the root of all your determination and success. You have a soul full of love and kindness and I just know that despite all the hardship, a life’s of happiness awaits you and I’m very proud of you, just keep holding on” 
    Kathleen07
  • BubblesGoesBooBubblesGoesBoo Sunny ScotlandPosts: 2,668 Mega Poster
    Well done on making the appointment 😊  <3
    ' So I put a bullet where I shouda put a helmet, and I crash my car cause I wanna get carried away, that's why I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself 'hey, I wanna get better''  
    Kathleen07
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,769 Postholic
    Thank you @BubblesGoesBoo :heart:

    @Millie2787 That's a good idea, asking my dad if he could speak the first bit for me if I'm too anxious. I've been considering that and I think I might. I guess we'll see how I feel later or tomorrow, I think for now I'm gonna play guitar or do something else to try and relax a bit lol xx
    Millie2787
  • CarolineVCarolineV Posts: 133 The Mix convert
    Everyone has already given you amazing advice so I don't have much to add, but I just wanted to chip in and wish you positive thoughts for tomorrow @Kathleen07. You're so strong to have booked the appointment, and however it goes tomorrow that's a massive achievement.

    I hope you're able to relax a little this afternoon, and that tomorrow goes well. Let us know how it goes <3
    Kathleen07
  • AifeAife LondonPosts: 2,153 Moderator
    edited August 15
    I really hope your appointment goes well tomorrow @Kathleen07. You're so brave for taking this step! Keep us updated with how it goes :). If you're feeling a bit worried in the morning before your appointment, I'm sure a few of us will be around to talk to you <3
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
    Kathleen07
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,769 Postholic
    Thank you @CarolineV @Aife :heart:

    I don't know if I can do this. I guess I literally can but the anxiety is pretty torturous haha. I'm trying to remind myself of the worst that can happen but this is so hard to drag myself through.
    Shaunie
  • JellyelephantJellyelephant Bpd bitch ✌🏼 Posts: 693 Incredible Poster
    Hey lovely

    i completely understand the anxiety - ur so brave to go and do this. Remember that doctors want to help! I see my GP every few weeks for a chat about my MH and she is such a good support. I am glad I opened up to her and hopefully you will feel the same. If you’re feeling suicidal it’s important they know so they can support you through it :) these days mental health is more recognised amongst medical professionals and they understand the need for help. Hopefully they will know local services you can access! 

    Hope it goes well tomorrow - I will be thinking of you! Lots of hugs 

    xxx
    The sun will rise and we will try again 
    Kathleen07
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,718 The Mix Elder
    Thank you @CarolineV @Aife :heart:

    I don't know if I can do this. I guess I literally can but the anxiety is pretty torturous haha. I'm trying to remind myself of the worst that can happen but this is so hard to drag myself through.
    Sometimes can be hard to believe in ourselves with negative thoughts that tell us we can't do it. Our thoughts can lie & knock us down.  Underneath all that pain you're a strong person. you show that by getting through everyday when you feel so bad.  <3

    I believe in you &<3 asking your dad to make the phone call can be the hardest part. 
    Gps are all none judgemental - they've heard all sorts & just want to find way to help 
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
    Kathleen07
  • AifeAife LondonPosts: 2,153 Moderator
    We believe in you @Kathleen07 <3

    It's understandable for this to be feeling like a really scary thing to do and I can really hear how worried you are about lots of things going wrong. With some of these worries you're having, have you tried thinking or writing down the opposite of them? By this I mean, trying to challenge those thoughts to things that could go well? Here's an example of this - you mentioned you are worried about the doctor being mean or judgemental, what if they are kind and understanding? Or if you're worried there's nothing they can do, what if there's something they can do to help? 

    For some people, it can help to write down all of these worries and writing down a challenge next to them. When you're feeling worried, you can read it back and try and focus on all the things that could go well. 

    Try and fight these thoughts as much as you can Kathleen. Remember this anxious feeling won't last forever and your GP is there to help you in the best way that they can. You really deserve to be supported through this and you never have to fight this battle alone. 

    Mind have a great guide called 'Finding the Words' which might find helpful to read through. There's lots of tips in there which might help you prepare for your appointment tomorrow. We also have an article on our website about going to see the GP about your mental health. 

    I also have one more thing I want to link you to which is this really useful app called DocReady. It's designed to help people for their first visit to their GP to talk about their mental health :) 

    I really hope things go well tomorrow. You're so strong! Will be thinking of you tomorrow <3

    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
    Kathleen07
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,769 Postholic
    Thanks so much @Jellyelephant @Shaunie @Aife :smile:

    I'm feeling weird about this at the minute. Slightly hopeful, really nervous, pretty doubtful.

    Challenging the thoughts with positive ones is a good idea Aife. I guess it's just as likely to go well as it is bad, so it would make more sense to believe it will go well rather than going through all this anxiety. I'll try doing that tonight, I don't think it's gonna help me much but I'll try haha. I'm trying to fight through the anxiety and doubt, it's just so hard. My heart's been beating pretty fast all day, god knows how I get through it tomorrow...

    Thank you again everybody for all the help and listening to me. I wish I could nominate every single post for post of the month :heart:
    chubbydumplingShaunie
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,769 Postholic
    I'm so fucking scared and not sure if this is worth it :sweat_smile: I feel soooo anxious and I still can't shake all the doubt. Please let it be a kind GP at least.

    I'll be getting ready in roughly 12 hours, wish it would be over already haha. I'll probably force myself to not cancel but there's a chance I'll run out the waiting room.

    Ignore my rambling. Anyway, I'll update tomorrow whatever happens.
    ShaunieButterfly23Millie2787
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,769 Postholic
    edited August 15
    .
    ShaunieJellyelephant
This discussion has been closed.