Really concerned about my boyfriend

davcr0ckdavcr0ck South Oxfordshire (homophobic Oxfordshire) Posts: 429 Rampant Poster
Hey all 

My boyfriend recently tryed coming out to his parents and they weren't OK with it at all and now over the last few  days he's can't go out at all thus Saturday and can't go to pride or to topaz, I'm really concerned that he's not safe any more and I don't know what to do

Much love for the advice 
Love is love and everyone is accepting and can share their issues with no judge from me and I try to help 
ItaliaRileyKasa2103
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Comments

  • RileyRiley Posts: 257 Moderator
    Hey there @davcr0ck I'm sorry to hear you're worrying so much about your boyfriend, I've seen you posting about it in other threads so I have an idea how much this has affected you. While I'm not an expert you might want to consider doing what you can to find out whether or not your boyfriend is safe at the moment, whether that means getting in contact with him directly or people who know him if you can't. It sounds like you're not sure if he's safe or not so it's important to make sure before doing anything rash.

    As I said I'm not an expert so if you have any specific questions or concerns about possible child abuse you can always visit the website Advicenow https://www.advicenow.org.uk/ as they have a lot of specific legal information as well as steps you can take next. I hope you find something useful there and please keep us all up to date with what's going on and how you're feeling. <3
  • chubbydumplingchubbydumpling DurhamPosts: 225 The Mix convert
    Hey @davcr0ck

    I can hear that you're really concerned about your boyfriend. From what you've mentioned in other posts, your fears are definitely valid. Is there a way that you can communicate with him that isn't monitored by his parents? 
  • davcr0ckdavcr0ck South Oxfordshire (homophobic Oxfordshire) Posts: 429 Rampant Poster
    Hey @Riley and @chubbydumpling

    Thanks for the response, the last I heard from my boyfriend was after I asked if he was ok because I knew it was the first day back after being away in Wales for an trip and I got this as an response around 5pm

    Nah not ok but I think I'm safe as long as I don't do anything dumb

    Which I don't like the sounds of, and obviously my head being its amazing self has gone off and had many stupid thoughs on what's going on and cried for most of the night last night

    The only way that I know of contacting him which isn't monitored by his parents is by Instagram and maybe what's app but I'm not 100% sure whether or not his parents know his pin to unlock the phone,

    What I hate as well is I can't stop thinking about whether or not it's my fault, I'm such an reck right now I'm just gonna go and try to enjoy myself at pride 

    Love is love and everyone is accepting and can share their issues with no judge from me and I try to help 
  • chubbydumplingchubbydumpling DurhamPosts: 225 The Mix convert
    Hey @davcr0ck

    I know this must be really upsetting for you. Have you got anyone you can talk this through with - maybe your parents? Getting an outside perspective might help you worry a little less, and I'm sure that they would feel better knowing what's going on. 

    It sounds as if your boyfriend is safe for the moment. If that changes, there are a lot of resources out there to help LGBT+ youth. @Riley provided a really useful link to Advicenow, and there is also the LGBT+ Switchboard who you can contact here 0300 330 0630. If he feels unsafe at any time or things escalate at home, encourage him to get in contact with Childline here 0800 1111. They also provide free online chats where you can speak directly to a counsellor. All of these websites provide a quick link to exit the page and information on keeping your browsing history clear if he's worried about his parents monitoring his activity. 

    This might all seem very scary at the moment but it's always a good idea to have a backup plan if he is no longer safe at home. If you can, discuss his options with him over a secure means of contact. 

    You are not to blame. You can't control how people react to things - right now your main priority should be being kind to yourself and looking after your mental health. 

    Please keep us updated.

    Take cake <3


    davcr0ck
  • davcr0ckdavcr0ck South Oxfordshire (homophobic Oxfordshire) Posts: 429 Rampant Poster
    This just worst time for this to be happen, I'm such an emotional reck at this time of year, I can't put into words how I'm feeling because else I'm just gonna want to kill myself (I'm safe btw) this time of year isn't great for me, 

    I've talked to mum about it and it hasn't really helped me much, my thoughts just go off on an tangent and then what I call "flask forwards " then leaving me in an terrible state, 

    He's told me yesterday that he's got mormon whatever that is, he seems to be in an better mood today 
    Love is love and everyone is accepting and can share their issues with no judge from me and I try to help 
  • coc0maccoc0mac Posts: 98 Miniposter
    edited June 23

    Hi @davcr0ck

    I can really hear you are feeling worried at the moment; and it seems this situation may be even harder as this is a difficult time of year for you. I just wanted to say that you have shown strength by being open and talking about this, so that's something to feel proud of. And you did the right thing by letting us know - we are here to help you through this. 


    One thing I really want you to know is that it’s not your fault. I completely agree with @chubbydumpling, so I just wanted to reinforce this. It can be really upsetting when people come out and get a difficult reaction, but that is something for his parents to resolve in themselves. The very best thing you can do is just let your boyfriend know that you are there for him. I understand it may be difficult to talk without his parents monitoring it at the moment, but as long as he knows you are there for him, that’s a great help. 


    It can be really difficult to talk about how we are feeling, and I can see you don't feel you can put it into words. I will say that talking about our feelings is always one of the very best things we can do - but there is also no pressure to do so straight away. You did so well to talk to your mum before, and if you need some time to feel ready to speak again and to better understand how to express your feelings then that is absolutely okay. If you would ever like some advice in talking to others then we can always support you with that. But the main thing is that you feel safe and supported. :heart:


    You mentioned when you spoke to your mum before your thoughts "flask forwards" leaving you in a terrible state. I was wondering if you could tell me a little bit more about what you mean by this please? Always remember that you and your mental health are so important; and you never need to go through times like this alone. We will never judge you for anything you tell us - so if you ever would like to talk more, we are here for you. 


    However, it is great to hear that your boyfriend seems to be in a better mood today. It’s really great to see how much you care about him. Always remember to care for yourself too :smile: Take care x

  • davcr0ckdavcr0ck South Oxfordshire (homophobic Oxfordshire) Posts: 429 Rampant Poster
    Hey @coc0mac

    I'm actually not that open at all to my parents about my emotions and thoughts, I'm definitely way more open about it on here and to my friends then my parents, which is why your find that I'm always just hide my Internet location so my dad can't track where I am,

    Anyway but "flask forward" is means Its like an flaskback but its thought on future but its like in the first or third person and then normal followed by crying and more crying if it actually happens, an example of one being, 

    Example - seeing myself from the third person killing myself, (obviously didn't happen because I'm still here) 
    another example - is me punching my brother in the stomach outside an shop and it happened an few hours later in the exact same shop, in the same part of his body, 
    Trigger warning of sucide in the spoiler

    Hope that makes it an little clearer, my boyfriend just told me that he's fine and everything after I've cried down the phone to him last night after I started self harming again, 

    I'm at college now and my friends know how I'm feeling and my sucidal state, I have my two things that reminds them 
    Image in spoiler 


    Love is love and everyone is accepting and can share their issues with no judge from me and I try to help 
    ShaunieHan93coc0macKasa2103
  • Han93Han93 EnglandPosts: 56 Miniposter
    Hi @davcr0ck

    I am so sorry to hear what you and your boyfriend are going through. We are hear for you always so thank you for opening up to us <3 I just want to echo what everyone else has said that none of this is your fault! 

    I'm sorry to hear that you have started self-harming again - you say your friends at college are aware, are they supporting you through this? Have you got people you can talk to?

    I just want you to know that you are never alone, we are always here for you to speak to and so are others.

    Have you ever tried to speak to the Samaritans? They are available 24/7 so if you feel like you are alone at any time you can call them on 116 123

    Here's their website if you want to check it out: https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/

    Mind has lots of great advice too: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/self-harm/#.XRH7sy2ZNo4

    I'm sending you lots of hugs <3
  • coc0maccoc0mac Posts: 98 Miniposter
    Hi @davcr0ck

    Thank you so much for being open and explaining a little bit more about how you are feeling. You did really well :heart: I'm wondering if you have had any support for this before?

    @Han93 has shared some really great advice and links to support above; so whilst I don't want to repeat the same advice, I really would like to reinforce it. You are so so important and you really do deserve to feel supported. :heart:

    I'm wondering how you are feeling today? 

    Always remember if you'd like to talk about anything we really are here for you. Take good care x
    davcr0ck
  • davcr0ckdavcr0ck South Oxfordshire (homophobic Oxfordshire) Posts: 429 Rampant Poster
    Hey @coc0mac and @Han93

    Thanks for both of your advice, as I've mentioned before in another thread to I think @Mike I don't like phoning Samaritans as I get quite axtious and I don't agree with using one of the most vulnerable forms of communication so share my issues over,

    I've read through that link you left above and i give it an greater read when I'm on an bigger screen, 

    For the flask forward thing I've not got any support for it at all, I haven't seen my counselling in months, 

    As far as today I've went out on an walk yesterday and today but then I got heat stroke which has drained me completely to the point where I've called off sick for college, now I'm just sat at home with my thoughts tommorow which isn't going to be fun

    My boyfriend was actually let round an friends on Friday which is nice to hear but someone has created an Instagram page with lots of pictures of him and it mentioninf how they want him dead, so he's quite scared, I've told him to screenshot the account and send it too the police but I don't know if he's done that 
    Love is love and everyone is accepting and can share their issues with no judge from me and I try to help 
  • alice123alice123 Posts: 49 Cool Newbie
    Hi @davcr0ck

    Thank you for opening up about this and i'm so sorry to hear that you're going through such a tough time.

    As well as reiterating the advice already given, having read your response I wonder whether you might find a webchat service more accessible than a phonecall?

    Mind are running a free service in which you can talk to someone via webchat: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helplines/ I hope this might be of use to you to discuss the troubles you're facing <3

    I was also wondering if there is a reason that you haven't seen your counsellor in months - is this something you would consider doing again?

    I'm glad your boyfriend was let round a friends - that sounds like a good sign. With regards to the instagram page, this sounds like nasty cyberbullying which should not be tolerated. Your advice to him was perfect but in case you wanted to have a read, i've attached a couple of articles the mix have on cyberbullying to help you know how best to deal with it. 
    https://www.themix.org.uk/news-and-research/blogs/constant-connections-the-threat-of-cyber-bullying
    https://www.themix.org.uk/crime-and-safety/victims-of-crime/cyberbullying-9159.html

    It sounds like you are being incredibly supportive, you should pride yourself on this.

    Take care x
  • davcr0ckdavcr0ck South Oxfordshire (homophobic Oxfordshire) Posts: 429 Rampant Poster
    The only reason I haven't seen my counsellor in months is because she ever been ill or has had some form of training thing to do, 

    I give the we chat thing an try for sure,

    He might be able to come round this weekend which would be nice as I haven't seen him in an month and half 
    Love is love and everyone is accepting and can share their issues with no judge from me and I try to help 
    ShaunieKasa2103
  • davcr0ckdavcr0ck South Oxfordshire (homophobic Oxfordshire) Posts: 429 Rampant Poster
    I feel strange today is the only way I can describe my mental state,
    I keep crying in lessons, I can't focus on my work, I feel like I'm dead inside (obviously not else how am I typing this) just thoughts keep coming over me and just picking me away to nothing
    Love is love and everyone is accepting and can share their issues with no judge from me and I try to help 
    ShaunieKasa2103
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 4,684 Supreme Poster
    Hey,

    its sounds like a challenging situations. Im sorry i wish i knew what to say that would help. No one should be made to feel ashamed for who they are. 

    You said you dont like phone calls. It can be really hard. Have you heard of Mind Out. They are LGBT and support mental health. They have a free webchat which i think is on later on in the day and dont have to chat specifically about LGBT. I used it once awhile ago cause was confused and theyre nice. https://www.mindout.org.uk/get-support/mindout-online/
    The "message" changes to "chat" when theyre online and instant chat. 

    I hope youre able to see him on the weekend would be something nice to look forward to. <3

    yesterday you said you was crying a lot and sounded really overwhelmed. Does anything help when you feel like that?

    how are you doing today?
    well be listening <3 hugs x
    " Shout out to everyone making progress that no one recongises because you never let anyone see your darkest moments. You've been silently winning battles and transforming yourself. Be proud of every step you're making in the right direction. Keep going cause you've got this" 🌸🌸❤️
  • davcr0ckdavcr0ck South Oxfordshire (homophobic Oxfordshire) Posts: 429 Rampant Poster

    Well that's what I wake up to this morning, I'm not supprised, I saw this coming, I can't be mad at him because I know exactly why he's done this, now I've got to go and tell my friends to stop being dicks to him, I be back and I may be up for talking about later


    Love is love and everyone is accepting and can share their issues with no judge from me and I try to help 
    ShauniechubbydumplingMikeKasa2103
  • davcr0ckdavcr0ck South Oxfordshire (homophobic Oxfordshire) Posts: 429 Rampant Poster
    edited July 5
    Hey all, following on from what i posted yesterday on this thread, me and my boyfriend have decide to stay as friends, so its the end of the road for the relationship for us both, he felt that things have drifted away and I know the real reason thanks to one of his friends,

    As we all know that my boyfriend parents wasn't accepting of him being gay, as I haven't seem him for nearly two months, he felt that it would be best if we stayed friends and he hasn't be able to see me because his parents won't let him see me, they become very protective and constantly checking on his exact location and he wanted to keep me safe at the same time,

    I'm managing perfectly fine with the break up, I have no feelings of sadness after receiving the message, I'm alright, I would to thank for both me and Joseph for your advice, to the following, @Shaunie @alice123 @Han93 @coc0mac @Riley @Charlotte and anyone else I've missed out, 

    Thanks again and lots of love to you all, 
    davcr0ck (no homo 😂😂) 

    Love is love and everyone is accepting and can share their issues with no judge from me and I try to help 
    ShaunieRileychubbydumplingMikeHan93alice123coc0macKasa2103
  • RileyRiley Posts: 257 Moderator
    Aww @davcr0ck I'm sorry to hear your relationship ended, I know from your other posts that you cared about him a lot. It's good to hear that you're not too broken up about it, you might want to take a little extra care of yourself anyway since it's always hard to predict how things like this might affect you.

    Be sure to keep us all up to date with how you're doing, if anything crops up or your mood dips for whatever reason we're always here for you. <3
    davcr0ck
  • chubbydumplingchubbydumpling DurhamPosts: 225 The Mix convert
    I'm sorry to hear that your relationship has ended @davcr0ck but it's great that you're maintaining a positive attitude in spite of this!

    Just to echo what @Riley has said, make sure to take some time out over the next couple of days to really look after yourself. Break-ups, even ones we saw coming, can impact us in really strange ways so it's important to practice a lot of self-love in the immediate aftermath. 

    Take care <3
    davcr0ck
  • davcr0ckdavcr0ck South Oxfordshire (homophobic Oxfordshire) Posts: 429 Rampant Poster
    Hey @Riley and @chubbydumpling

    Today I went out train spotting with a dude from the topaz group around Radley and Culham, he gave me hugs and we just takes a bit about it and they just talked about trains and lgbt life and took pictures, 

    He gave me some tips as well with taking pictures which is nice of him to do. My anxiety didn't get the best of me supprising when talking to him, (and I did it with no headphones too) 

    I keep having some thoughts about if it was something I did that well ended are relationship but I just keep shutting them off as I can't read his mind so I won't know 

    On the other side of the coin my flaskbacks are getting worse, I haven't slept properly for over an week now and last night I had a nightmare and I didn't feel safe in my own bedroom after it so I just sat downstairs with my penis plush cuddling it until near sun rise and went out for an walk to just see the sun rise and connect with nature for a bit. 

    I'm now at home and just gonna watch shaft on netflix because it looks cool and interesting,

    davcr0ck 
    Love is love and everyone is accepting and can share their issues with no judge from me and I try to help 
  • JordanJordan Posts: 50 Moderator
    Sorry to hear your relationship has come to an end @davcr0ck. I know you mentioned that you are worried if it is something you did. It's not unusual to doubt yourself and your actions after a relationship come to an end. A breakup often comes with a lot of "what ifs". You take a really mature approach by recognising you won't know, although from what I have read from your posts it sounds like it wasn't because of you but because of other things going on in your lives.

    What do you think is making your flashbacks worse? Is there anywhere that makes you feel safe? Taking a sunrise walk sounds like a good way to clear your head.




    chubbydumpling
  • davcr0ckdavcr0ck South Oxfordshire (homophobic Oxfordshire) Posts: 429 Rampant Poster
    edited July 6
    Hey @Jordan

    It's approaching close to the time when I had surgery so it's the build up to toward when the surgery was, so all of the preparation at home and stuff like checking up on me and all the tests beforehand

    Last night nightmare was the time when I was in a mri scan for 6 hours and stuck in it for 2 of thoughs hours and this nightmare was on 7 years since that scan 
    Love is love and everyone is accepting and can share their issues with no judge from me and I try to help 
  • JordanJordan Posts: 50 Moderator
    davcr0ck said:
    It's approaching close to the time when I had surgery so it's the build up to toward when the surgery was, so all of the preparation at home and stuff like checking up on me and all the tests beforehand 
    I can understand that as you get closer to that time it must get really difficult for you. That must bring back a lot of memories. It sounds like you did well by removing yourself from a situation you felt uncomfortable/unsafe in and taking steps to help clear your head and try to relax.

    Did taking the walk or sitting downstairs help in any way? If so, do you think it could be helpful for you to try to find other ways to "distract" or relax?
  • davcr0ckdavcr0ck South Oxfordshire (homophobic Oxfordshire) Posts: 429 Rampant Poster
    It kind of help as far as I got two hours of sleep instead of none, I'm trying other things like going out for a long walk every Sunday to try to get away from stuff but I haven't been able to put that into play yet because of the heat stroke last weekend, 
    Love is love and everyone is accepting and can share their issues with no judge from me and I try to help 
  • alice123alice123 Posts: 49 Cool Newbie
    Hi @davcr0ck

    I'm so sorry to hear about your flashbacks. How are you today? I was wondering if you managed to get out for a walk? This sounds like a really good idea, especially as exercise can help you to sleep.

    If not, have you tried listening to ASMR or Mindfulness Meditation on YouTube? These things really help me to sleep so might be worth a try?
  • coc0maccoc0mac Posts: 98 Miniposter
    Hi @davcr0ck

    Sorry to hear about the end of your relationship :heart: Just echoing what others have said, it is really important to not blame yourself. It's easy to do, but it's not your fault. Your posts have not only highlighted different things going on in your lives, but also they have always shown how supportive you have been. We are here for you :smile:

    It's good to hear that the walking has helped in some ways - any progress is a huge achievement! The long walks sound great, but i can understand the difficulty when its too warm. I think @alice123 has given some great suggestions. In terms of mindfulness, I've used an app called "calm" before which has really helped. I've also heard worry bears can be useful. When you can't sleep you can either write a note and pop it with your bear, or you can even talk to it, and it can help people in feeling like their worries are being taken care of. 

    You are doing the right thing by talking about it. There's always something we can do to help ourselves feel better - sometimes we just have to try a few different techniques, and that's okay. Take good care :heart:




    davcr0ckalice123
  • davcr0ckdavcr0ck South Oxfordshire (homophobic Oxfordshire) Posts: 429 Rampant Poster
    Hey @alice123

    I'm not doing good at all today, just completely exhausted from fighting my own urges and thoughts and flaskbacks again, I didn't go out for a walk as I was at home cleaning the house and I just didn't have the energy to do so, woke up at 5am this morning which totals to around 5 hours sleep,

    I'm planning on going to the gym at my college tommorow and just have a go at the punch bag and do some weights (even though my cardiologist is a big no with that but ssssshhh)

    In response to your other question, I haven't tryed meditation or mindfulness but I do have a negative attitude towards it, 

    Also that word begin with a (it has four letter) I don't like at all even hearing any of it or hearing or reading the word freaks me out, I sends me into an sensory overload all the time. 
    Love is love and everyone is accepting and can share their issues with no judge from me and I try to help 
  • davcr0ckdavcr0ck South Oxfordshire (homophobic Oxfordshire) Posts: 429 Rampant Poster
    Hey @coc0mac

    I actually talk a lot in the night to my cuddly friend pierre (pierre the adorable cute penis plush) to try and clear my mind, I would like to have a more relaxed evening on weekdays

    Sadly I don't have much time to my self, as I finsh college at 5pm and it takes two hours to get home and by the time I've had dinner and stuff it's 9pm and then I need to go to bed, 
    Love is love and everyone is accepting and can share their issues with no judge from me and I try to help 
  • coc0maccoc0mac Posts: 98 Miniposter
    Hi @davcr0ck

    Ah that's great to hear you talk to Pierre! plushies can be really comforting, I feel the same about them :smile:

    It might be that you could use your journey time home as a chance to relax. Perhaps you could pop your headphones in and listen to some podcasts on the journey home. I can see you have a negative attitude towards mindfulness (which is completely okay! :smile: ) so perhaps you could find ones that make you smile/laugh as a distraction. How do you think this would be?
  • davcr0ckdavcr0ck South Oxfordshire (homophobic Oxfordshire) Posts: 429 Rampant Poster
    Hey @coc0mac

    Im currently listern to a few podcasts called nightvale that a friend recommended I just need to remember to download them 🤔

    I give that a try I suppose, nightvale is quite funny too
    Love is love and everyone is accepting and can share their issues with no judge from me and I try to help 
  • coc0maccoc0mac Posts: 98 Miniposter
    Hi @davcr0ck
    Great! it would be good to hear how you get on if you do try it :smile:
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