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Is it okay to know that I would probably love more a daughter than a son ?
Former Member
Posts: 57 Boards Initiate
Hey! I don't really know where to post this so I post it in here as I thought it was the best place.
So yeah, I know it sounds terrible, and I must say I hate myself for thinking this way. I'm very young (15 years old) but I like thinking about how I would raise my child/children. I feel very insecure talking and being around other boys/men, I just don't like them, in general, as much as I like talking to girls/women. All my friends have always been girls, I'm unable to construct a good relationship with men, I just can't. I feel like I can be way more open to women, that they are more open minded and overall, in my experience, more intelligent and kind. I don't want to generalize all women/men, but it is my experience. Let's say that out of all the people that I met in my life, I was only able to have relationships with women and none with men. That it is my mother, friend, or lover, women just felt way better to be around for me. For example, I like more my dad than my mom, as a parent: my mom has insulted me several times, saying things that shocked me, but I can't talk to my dad openly (I don't talk about personal stuff to my mom either, but I feel more comfortable talking in general), I just physically can't, but I can with my mom. All this to say that I feel like if I had a son, I would love him, obviously, but I feel like it would be better for me and for the child, and that I would, in the end be able to love her more, if she was a girl, and I wanted to know if you think it is wrong to think this way, and what I could do about it.
So yeah, I know it sounds terrible, and I must say I hate myself for thinking this way. I'm very young (15 years old) but I like thinking about how I would raise my child/children. I feel very insecure talking and being around other boys/men, I just don't like them, in general, as much as I like talking to girls/women. All my friends have always been girls, I'm unable to construct a good relationship with men, I just can't. I feel like I can be way more open to women, that they are more open minded and overall, in my experience, more intelligent and kind. I don't want to generalize all women/men, but it is my experience. Let's say that out of all the people that I met in my life, I was only able to have relationships with women and none with men. That it is my mother, friend, or lover, women just felt way better to be around for me. For example, I like more my dad than my mom, as a parent: my mom has insulted me several times, saying things that shocked me, but I can't talk to my dad openly (I don't talk about personal stuff to my mom either, but I feel more comfortable talking in general), I just physically can't, but I can with my mom. All this to say that I feel like if I had a son, I would love him, obviously, but I feel like it would be better for me and for the child, and that I would, in the end be able to love her more, if she was a girl, and I wanted to know if you think it is wrong to think this way, and what I could do about it.
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Comments
I must say that it happens that I judge a relationship in advance just because the person is male, like I basically refuse friendship from male at this point, but I know it's a mistake, I just know that in 99% of cases it will lead to nothing I'm interested in as, in my experience, male friendships do not allow you to be as open as with a woman. (By the way, I must say that the whole feminist thing is very confusing to me, I just keep finding arguments left and right, debunking one another over and over again, so I really don't know what to think honestly lol, but I've seen true feminists call themselves equalitarians to not be confused with bad feminists). But again, I do not hate men, I just greatly prefer females, and it's not a problem, at least I don't think it is. But I've just heard people saying that if you really want a child you should love him/her no matter the sex, and that's my problem, I don't think that's true for me, but yes, I want to change, if I can.
To be honest, I can't really think about that many insecurities it could come from, however I can see some tracks. I was never abused by my dad, and the people who "bullied" me (it didn't last very long) were always in mixed groups, with boys and girls. However, my only traumatic experience involved a boy, and, as I said in another post, my best friend was sexualy abused by boys and men and I must say stories about sexual abuse really are trigerring to me, and it could have a link with my insecurities about sexuality (that I talked about in another post too), it is something that is probably worth talking about with my psychologist.
Thank you so much for your answer, and I hope you are doing great as well.
It's really nice that you share you thoughts and feelings. Whatever you feel it's always good to spit it not to keep inside and be alone with your sometimes depressive and unpleasant thoughts.
In general, I think the thing that you're thinking about your future children, worry if they get enough love from you already means that you're very loving and kind person and it's very good. I understand that maybe these thoughts disturb you but what if to look at it from another point.....you're not mother yet but you worry about your feelings to your kids. So you really worry about the thing that hasn't happened yet so do not be that preoccupied darling))do not worry too much in advance
You told that you worry about it either cause you do not really feel good about communication with boys...but keep also in mind that these boys are just boys not your baby and it's kind of big difference)) And also I guess it's normal if you ok with one thing and not really okay with another. If you don't like ice-cream you do not worry about it, right?) Cause it's just your choice and your preferences , the same is with people. If you do not feel good communicating with boys it's normal , just do not do it for a while. It doesn't mean that you have this difficulties the rest of your life. It just means that right now you're much better with girls and do not judge yourself for that.
I don't think it is wrong that you feel this way! When I think of having kids in the future, I only imagine girls and never boys.
I really agree with what @kathleen0172 said about theres nothing wrong with having a preference.
Before my friend had her baby she really wanted a girl, but ended up having a boy. She loves him more than anything else in the world now!
Lots of people probably have a preference over what gender they prefer, and that's OK
First of all, I don't think you're a terrible person for feeling this way. It's understable that you would be wary of a male child, if you've had negative experiences with men. That said, I totally agree with @Past User that just by making this post, and worrying about what kind of parent you will be, means that you're probably well equipped to be a good parent to your child, no matter their gender.
You're young. You have plenty of time to think about parenthood and to work through any misgivings you have. Personally, I have struggled with the same type of thing. I didn't have very good parental role models and I want to work on myself for the sake of my future children. I have every confidence that you are a kind and loving person, with a good head on their shoulders, and that you will be okay.
There's nothing wrong with that (as long as you don't do something drastic to ensure it happens!). In the same way that many parents have a favourite child but may not admit it, I'd reckon many parents would prefer a child of one sex or another, without saying it!x
Much love
Have a great day