Who is here?

Former Member

I’m hyper, full of energy, the same time I’m impulsive, it’s taken me years to recognise that this is me, that I am this way, it is something that I am ashamed to say, I am bipolar. Bipolar is just a label to box a set of characteristics, a dangerous and destructive set of characteristics.
When I’m in this, I’m selfish, denial, not right now I’ve acted on impulse and for the first time I’ll admit I’m so ashamed of myself. 
I’ll take a risk, go completely against my thoughts and ask for what I need right here. Rejection or if uncomfortable that’s fine, I figured I’ll feel what I do regardless, a risk worth taking. 
I need people to hate me (my internal self says)
I need someone to sit with me, to hear my anger, my sadness, (my mixed emotions/external thoughts)
I’m not so brave I bear so many untold scars, so many unresolved issues, my fear is barely free. 
I’m sorry 

Former Member

Hey @NatalieMT

Firstly it's worth saying that although the content of what you talk about in your post deals with complicated and emotional subjects, the way you write is absolutely beautiful. 

Bipolar disorder is, as you say, "just a label" and of course each individual experience is located somewhere slightly differently along the spectrum of bipolar. Your self-awareness of your own location along that spectrum certainly seems healthy and beneficial for your future.

Nevertheless, if I am reading in between the lines correctly it sounds like you have a tendency to want to take risks with making scars on yourself... And it sounds like those impulsive moments make you feel ashamed? Is there anyone, friend or family or teacher or guardian, who you might be able to talk to about these unresolved issues? 

We are all here for you on the Mix, there will always be someone to talk to

Former Member

That’s the thing, I understand what it is that is wrong with me, that what I do is not normal, that it’s impulsive I should step back. But the need to feel in control is far greater, than my restraint on the impulse that goes with it. 
When I let myself ‘be used’ all over again, what o really want is a ‘safe hug’ to be held or to be free but not alone.
i have no idea how to ask for any of these things for fear of rejection.
The emotional scars from my past are worse than the physical scars that I bare.
 
Sorry 

Azziman

Hey Natalie!x

It'll be difficult, but you have to find a way to manage both sides of bipolar! I know that you really want to have control - it can feel really frustrating when things change without notice! - but you need to find a way to handle both sides of it for the long-term!x

Much love