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Sexually frustated. So started speaking more to guys now feel disgusting

ShaunieShaunie Posts: 13,284 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
edited December 2018 in Sex & Relationships
I am not looking to be judged just maybe advice if possible. 
(Edit - actually being judged might help with advice )

Im a really distant person & don’t keep in contact with like anyone & have no friends. But in like the last week I have just been texting guys I used to know from school and college. Only about 3 people but I feel bad that i don’t even want a friendship cause can’t keep any sort of relationship.  I just wanted sex with someone. —Until the convos esculated a lot quicker than I thought they would & started to feel like I was being spoken to like a piece of meat & only want sex with me. I don’t know why I am feeling so shit about that as clearly what I thought I wanted. 


One guy I’ve spoke to has apparently left his girlfriend cause he wants sex with me. ( I did not know he had a girlfriend when I was speaking to him  & I didn’t even start the sex convo. But he randomly texted saying “I’d have to leave my girlfriend then”) I have no idea why someone who leave their 2 year relationship for me. So can’t tell if he’s lying & wants to cheat or being serious. I obviously did tell him many times he needs to speak to his girlfriend if he thinks its already ruined but ignored me & has now asked if I want to meet up with him to eat. I have no idea how to reply to these messages now. He said he used to like me in school(which I did actually know at time) & says he has feelings for me now which don’t know how possible. He keeps calling me & spamming me with messages. I don’t want to lead him on so no idea what to say back can’t keep any relationship I just want sex. I don’t feel I have lot of self respect and he clearly doesn’t to speak to ask me if I’d have sex with him while having a girlfriend & to just leave his girlfriend cause i said I’d have sex with him & I feel bad I still want sex with him. & feel bad I only want friends with benefits sort of relationship again. 


 And I’m totally feeling bad about it all 
 
JellyelephantNekolovesteaMathsLily
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Comments

  • tkdogtkdog Posts: 259 The Mix Regular
    I guess it seems you been feeding his feelings of want and like maybe he wants something that felt like before unreachable idk but he acted on his own accord so it's not really your fault,
    The best thing I can say is be honest about what you really want as much as possible while leaving out what you can't say/shouldn't say or just like i guess occasionally lying is fine. Ignoring can work sometimes because it shows you feel distant and can communicate more than just saying something.
    But yeah don't think it's good just to talk to someone just for those reasons.
    Like if you really want something so much it's probably because you have some underlying insecurity. It is healthy to socialise though so I don't think it's bad to just talk just how you do it really and what you say and ask for. You don't need to have to keep or have a relationship, or even a friendship because what matters first is if you feel like balanced yourself but of course that also means you have to have certain boundaries and all. There is no need to feel bad and you haven't done anything wrong and such, it's all ok.
    I hope you can feel better soon 
    ShaunieMathsLily
  • JellyelephantJellyelephant Bpd bitch ✌🏼 Posts: 824 Part of The Mix Family
    edited December 2018
    Hey Shaunie

    I dont think there is anything wrong with wanting sex, and not a relationship. Plenty of people feel that way hence the term friends with benefits: so many people must do it for that term to be a thing. I have done friends with benefits, one night stands etc and although it was driven by trauma, it doesnt matter because if you want to have sex and you go out an get it then u know what.... good for you!! theres no rule book about sex that says you should only have sex if you're in a relationship or known them a certain amount of times etc. Do what feels good for you!!! Obviously as long as you're safe though :) 

    WHat im trying to say is to be clear with the guy what you want..... and thats fine. It is ok to have lots of sex or no sex, to have lots of partners or the same one, to have sex with the same sex or different one, to have kinky sex or vanilla sex or whatever kind of sex feels good for you.. as long as its two consenting adults being safe then there is no problem at all, and there shouldn't be any shame or stigma attached to it. 

    <3 
    The sun will rise and we will try again 
    ShaunieAlmist04MathsLily
  • ShaunieShaunie Posts: 13,284 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    Thank you @tkdog & @Jellyelephant

    totally I agree with you In there being no shame is like all do what we want as long as not hurting others then there’s nothing wrong with it. 

    and this guy is kinda pushy to me which I know I told him I would have sex with him. He seems deserpate which yeah is obviously what I am too to be trying to find a guy to sleep with. But atleast treat me with some respect ffs.  And feel like he wants more than just sex from me and seems like want relatoonshsip


    So i dunno if normal for me to get annoyed by that as I did say I just want sex so getting annoyed about being spoke to like someone only wants me for sex shouldn’t annoy me??? So then I just question if I am sexually frustated or I’m just seeking control and self worth as not over rape. Idk as if I was sexually frustated I mean wouldn’t I be constantly masubating which I don’t do. 
    I don’t know 
  • tkdogtkdog Posts: 259 The Mix Regular
    I guess though not everyone you talk to will be the right sort of person. You set boundaries that you are comfortable with.
    But yeah perhaps what you don't like is that your sense of self control feels invaded. I think if someone is too pushy then like it is offputting to anyone and that totally makes sense. I guess when you talk to people you got to judge how much and what you can say (to judge peoples reaction) and take things at a reasonable pace. If you are feeling uncomfortable maybe it's a sign you shouldn't take things further or at least be careful and judge what is best. You need to protect your self worth and not feel pushed into things you don't want. 

    If maybe it is due to loneliness, I would try meeting new people through common interests, hobbies maybe even fandoms if that's your thing. It's easier to talk to people who have a clear interest in common I think.

    Good luck with things
  • Almist04Almist04 Posts: 22 Confirmed not a robot
    Hey, I know how it is to feel like you only want sex. Its not your fault, humans and most animals were not designed for normal relationships, only sex. I may not be much help at advice, but just know that its not a bad thing to only want sex. So what? Maybe the guy/girl will come along that your head over heels for, because of his personality? Its not something that you can predict. If it helps, go experiment, see whats out there for the world of sex and emotional relationships, thats what I did. It really helps you decide what you truly want,
  • Lauren223Lauren223 Posts: 65 Boards Initiate
    Hey @Shaunie

    It's great to see that you've been able to open up about how you are feeling on here! Has being able to talk about it helped in someway?

    I found an organisation called Brook and they specialise in sex and well-being, of course you don't have to take a look if you don't want to, but just in case you wanted more information, these guys might be able to provide information you're looking for.

    You've done a really great thing by being so open, take care <3 
  • ShaunieShaunie Posts: 13,284 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    edited December 2018
    Thanks for your thoughts and support @tkdog @Almist04 and @Lauren223

    ThAt site looks helpful thanks. 

    think am lonely but cant manintan friends so seems to be the second best option lol. 

    Was going to have sex with him today. But then I started my period this morning so I just told him I don’t feel well. And I mean I don’t have many periods cause am underweight and idk I believe in things happening for a reason lol. He seems pushy so i don’t know if good idea anyway and when someone’s been pushy before and too forward it puts me off and get anxious and I say no but they don’t listen:( so kinda scared I go wanting to feel in control and have consentual sex but get too anxious and ends up opposite 
  • LaineLaine Fruit loop Gone for gooPosts: 2,767 Account Deactivated
    Hey Shaunie, 
    It's positive that you are aware of things xo

    Pushy doesn't always end well and can lead to unwanted things during.

    How are you feeling about everything? There's nothing wrong with a "hookup" provided it's done right but it can be difficult searching For someone who wants the same thing. 

    You said earlier that you just want sex but you get hurt at people just wanting you for sex and that's okay.  There's a difference between having sex between two honest consensual partners and being treated like its all you're good for xo

    🌈Positive thoughts🌈

    "This is my family. I found it, all on my own.
    It's little, and Broken, but still good. Yeah. Still good." ~ Stitch

    "Lately, I've been struggling with all the simple things in my life" ~ Cian Ducrot

    "I don't know if it's because my heart hurts or I'm insecure" ~ Juice Wrld
  • Almist04Almist04 Posts: 22 Confirmed not a robot
    @Shaunie
    Your very welcome! If you ever want to talk about ANYTHING, and I mean anything, just message me. ( can you do that? I am new here XD ). If its any consolation, I am really obsessed with sex too. I may not know your exact situation, and I doubt I ever will, but I can understand how sex taking over your life feels, trust me. Anywho, if you EVER want to talk... Uhh... Just use some form of communication to talk to me....
  • ShaunieShaunie Posts: 13,284 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    edited January 2019
    Im going to have sex with someone tomorrow. Was meant to be going eat out somewhere with him but he has a free house so were going to have sex :///. I don’t know why i said i will. Im scared i dont actually want to and then tomorrow will be to late to say no & he wont listen. I don’t know why said it. Or what i want and I don’t know how i even feel right now. 
    Laine
  • LaineLaine Fruit loop Gone for gooPosts: 2,767 Account Deactivated
    Sorry to hear the struggles shaunie, 

    You say you don't want to, is there no way you can tell him you have changed your mind? 

    you sound confused on the matter, maybe it would be best to take some time to think about it? x

    best wishes xo

    🌈Positive thoughts🌈

    "This is my family. I found it, all on my own.
    It's little, and Broken, but still good. Yeah. Still good." ~ Stitch

    "Lately, I've been struggling with all the simple things in my life" ~ Cian Ducrot

    "I don't know if it's because my heart hurts or I'm insecure" ~ Juice Wrld
  • ShaunieShaunie Posts: 13,284 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    edited February 2019
    Thank @Laine
     but yeah i am pretty confused cause now i dont mean what said in my last post now and i do want sex ha:///I don’t know what is wrong with me. One min im sad and so stressed that i cant think & feel safer alone. And then next min just want to distract myself with sex. 
  • ShaunieShaunie Posts: 13,284 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix

    Getting really anxious am meeting him in a few hours. I want sex, i think. But feel so nervous. Probably cause dont feel that safe round him & that he isnt that respectful

  • ShaunieShaunie Posts: 13,284 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    😭😭pls help i don’t know wAnt to go but i cant cancel again. Last time i did he said he will self harm instead and made me feel at fault
    Nekolovestea
  • ShaunieShaunie Posts: 13,284 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    😭😭😭
    Nekolovestea
  • ShaunieShaunie Posts: 13,284 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    I self harmed. This morning. Im  Stressed 
    Nekolovesteatkdog
  • MaisyMaisy The Mix convert CymruPosts: 357 Moderator
    Hey Shaunie,

    I understand feeling conflicted regarding sex, especially when you struggle with your mood and are unsure of what you want. That said, you can back out of sex anytime you want. So if you currently don't want to go to this guy's place, then it's best to tell him. I understand you said that the last time you did this, he said he will self-harm. This is not your responsibility. I understand you may feel guilty about him if he self harms, but that is his choice. Not yours. You have every right to cancel if you want. And he is responsible for his own actions, not you. If he self-harms that is because he struggles with his emotions and actions, and your aren't responsible for that. Please don't feel guilty if this happens again, especially since this guy doesn't sound the healthiest for you to be around at the moment. 

    I'm sorry to hear that you self-harmed this morning and that you are stressed. Hope you can do what's best for you and take care of yourself first  <3
    MathsLily
  • ShaunieShaunie Posts: 13,284 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    edited February 2019
    Thank you @Maisy


    did end up going round his. & actually had a good time. Think my mind was making him out to be worse than he is. But in person hes seem lot more kinder than on text .  He was really respectful & did have sex with him but it was very consentual and he kept making sure i wanted it ( in least awarkard way lol. But he doesnt know ive been raped before) and i meet his family as after 3pm they all came home from school and stuff, which i didnt really wanna do ah but they seemed nice as well and then we went out and had a subway

    i really enjoyed the day and felt "normal" and was weird to feel like smeone actually respect my body so much & didnt force me. 

    But Now i feel so guilty and disgusting. 

    I don’t know where is meant to be goin & i just feel ashamed
    Post edited by Shaunie on
    Laine
  • ShaunieShaunie Posts: 13,284 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    edited February 2019
    & I didnt enjoy the sex physically that much tbh. More just enjoyed not being forced How fucked up. Im so ashamed 😭 feel bad about my intentions
    Laine
  • ShaunieShaunie Posts: 13,284 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    Is it normal to feel this disgusting after sex?

    i think its cause i didnt actually want it. 

    Goes from someone else forcing me to have sex. To forcing myself to having sex with someone. 

    Think force myself to have sex as dont want to be a girl who was raped and now cant have sex. 

    But suppose i didnt even prove that since i stopped the sex when he didnt even finish as i started getting anxious. And i hate even thinking about it and that. 

    I feel really messed up. 

  • ShaunieShaunie Posts: 13,284 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    Lol no one replies when youre a dirty skank hahaha
  • ShaunieShaunie Posts: 13,284 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    And now will force someone to reply. please no one force self to reply
  • ShaunieShaunie Posts: 13,284 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    Shaunie said:
    Thank you @Maisy


    did end up going round his. & actually had a good time. Think my mind was making him out to be worse than he is. But in person hes seem lot more kinder than on text .  He was really respectful & did have sex with him but it was very consentual and he kept making sure i wanted it ( in least awarkard way lol. But he doesnt know ive been raped before) and i meet his family as after 3pm they all came home from school and stuff, which i didnt really wanna do ah but they seemed nice as well and then we went out and had a subway

    i really enjoyed the day and felt "normal" and was weird to feel like smeone actually respect my body so much & didnt force me. 

    But Now i feel so guilty and disgusting. 

    I don’t know where is meant to be goin & i just feel ashamed
    Dirty bitch
  • ShaunieShaunie Posts: 13,284 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    Shaunie said:
    Is it normal to feel this disgusting after sex?

    i think its cause i didnt actually want it. 

    Goes from someone else forcing me to have sex. To forcing myself to having sex with someone. 

    Think force myself to have sex as dont want to be a girl who was raped and now cant have sex. 

    But suppose i didnt even prove that since i stopped the sex when he didnt even finish as i started getting anxious. And i hate even thinking about it and that. 

    I feel really messed up. 

    I personally think youre disgusting and i know you better than anyone else. 
  • ShaunieShaunie Posts: 13,284 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    Shaunie said:
    I self harmed. This morning. Im  Stressed 
    Weak 
  • ShaunieShaunie Posts: 13,284 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    Shaunie said:
    I am not looking to be judged just maybe advice if possible. 
    (Edit - actually being judged might help with advice)
     
    Yeah. Think youre disgusting should hate yourself as deserve it. 
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    Heyy Shaunie, am not super experienced in these areas but thought I'd send hugs:) <3 Really sorry you feel that way about yourself, you don't deserve it. You're not weak or disgusting or dirty or anything like that. Feel better. You sound quite confused and ashamed over this situation xo
    MathsLily
  • Lucy307Lucy307 UKPosts: 971 Part of The Mix Family
    Hey @Shaunie
    Shaunie said:
    Is it normal to feel this disgusting after sex?

    i think its cause i didnt actually want it. 
    It is really normal to feel bad after sex if you didn't really want to do it. It kind of sounds like you thought it would make you feel better before you did it, but it's actually made you feel worse looking back at it? Is that right? 

    You're not disgusting in the slightest, sex is a totally natural thing to do <3

    - Lucy
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
    MathsLily
  • ShaunieShaunie Posts: 13,284 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    edited February 2019

    It is really normal to feel bad after sex if you didn't really want to do it. It kind of sounds like you thought it would make you feel better before you did it, but it's actually made you feel worse looking back at it? Is that right? 

    Yeah i think is why. 

    Think i am making a mess of things lol

    Now i don’t know what to do. He seems to really like me. And hes inviting me over for dinner. I said at start i only want sex lol. But now i don’t know how to reply to these messages and then he asked if i want to stay over at weekend. Thats a bit fast. He is nice though. I cant tell if i dont like him at all when want to get to know him rather than in bed lol or am scared to find out if i do. If makes any sense and i don’t know. 

    I kinda do want to go get to know him. But i dont know where to tell my family where i am going as he seems to always want to meet after 5 (before 5 i can say i am going to an appotinemtn lol) and he wants to come round mine but im hardly ever home alone and he think i can just be so open to my family about seeing a guy. Which i have never done - ive always hide that sort of stuff. so i don’t know how they would react. 


  • ShaunieShaunie Posts: 13,284 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    And he lives like same street and is literally less than a 5 min walk so i cant even say distance is a problem lol and yesterday he was saying he going to come round mine (he knows where i live) and i didnt want him to so he didnt but ive told a guy where i live before and they kept going to it snd was really embarrassig cause was stalker ish


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