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I never ask for advice and support but here we go!

Former MemberFormer Member NewbiePosts: 17 Settling in
in Health & Wellbeing
Hi,
I never really wrote anything on these boards and never really ask for help but i got talled to give it a go. So lately my mental health hasn't been good iv been having regular thoughts of suicide and images in my head of ways i could do it, this is due to home life, past and just my mind taking me places.

Currently i have CBT and have talled my therapist everything thats going on. I am scared to do anything even tell people about the thoughts because of the home life and scared of what people might think and do because of what happened in the past.

I dont know what you guys think of this but I hope you wont judge, but I would so much appreciate for all of your support. 

I am scared that i will act on these thoughts as things arent good, iv been using the crisis text service alot and am regular to them.

I hope you can help me,

Thanks alot,

Pabs 

Comments

  • AoifeAoife Community Manager Posts: 3,228 Boards Guru
    Hey Pabs,

    It's really nice to see you around the boards :)

    You've taken a really positive step to reach out for support here. It's not always easy to talk about what's going on and it sounds like you've been really struggling with your mental health lately. I'm really sorry to hear how much you've been struggling. You mentioned there's been a lot going on in your past and home life, would you feel comfortable opening up a bit more about what you've been going through?

    It sounds like you've been feeling scared to tell people about these thoughts you're having. What worries you the most about opening up about everything?

    You mentioned that you're worried about acting on these thoughts you've been having. Is there anything that helps you stay safe from acting on these thoughts? It sounds like you've been taking good steps by reaching out for support from Crisis Messenger. It's also really great to hear you're having CBT at the moment. How is this going? 

    There's a few other organisations you can try if you'd like some more places to reach out to if you're not feeling safe or would like someone to talk to about how you're feeling. I've listed them below:

    • Papyrus can offer to help you working on some practical techniques to get you through those intense moments.
    • Samaritans a confidential service that you can speak to at any time by calling 116 123 or via email.

    Keeping posting here reaching out for support, we're all here to support you through this :) 
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • Former MemberFormer Member Newbie Posts: 17 Settling in
    I don't really want to go into the past but something bad happened 4 years ago which ended me and I started to have symptoms of mental illness, then we come to now in the same position with mental health but a little worse i think, also my dad is controlling towards me and my mum and usually always puts us down, he causes arguments and calls us names, but i guess we just have to live with it as we are used to it.

    I'm scared that if i say something that people would tell someone else and I'm scared of the consequences of saying something, what my parents might think especially my dad and what that would do to me.

    Gym usually helps me cope but its only temporary, and i guess not having the courage to not go through with it but yet somedays trying to work up the courage to do so.

    CBT is going okay Thank you, but im worried to loose it because i feel like my mental health is getting worse and if they feel like they cant handle it they let you go so im scared for that to happen as im getting really comfertable with my therapist that i see.

    Thank for the message,

    Pabs 
  • Former MemberFormer Member Moderator Posts: 991 Part of The Mix Family
    Hey there Pabs.

    I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling so much at the moment, to echo what Aife said it's really great that you're getting support from CBT and hopefully talking about your problems here will help you open up a little easier. I can understand that you're scared to talk more about what you're going through and there's no pressure to say more than you're comfortable with here on the boards.

    You mentioned that gym helps you cope but is only temporary, are there any more permanent things in your life that might help you feel a little better? You also mentioned that you're worried that you might lose your CBT and while I'm not entirely familiar with this I'm fairly sure if you spoke to them about this worry they would make sure that you get the best treatment necessary.

    I hope things start picking up for you soon and you get the support you need, feel free to keep on posting here we're always happy to help! =)

    - Riley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Newbie Posts: 17 Settling in
    Hi Riley,

    Thank you for your message right now I just dont want to live, I'm done trying, I'm done fighting, it's not like anyone cares anymore anyway.

    Theres nothing long term i can do I wish i had something other then gym to keep me going though but there's nothing. 

    Im tired to feel this way and i just don't see any point anymore I'm sick and tired of it all.

    Thank you for all of your support but I just dont know anymore.

    Its a hell house at home and i just don't want to be here and im done there's just so much i can take and live with.
    Iv been thinking of writing a suicide note.

    I dont want to seem like I'm being selfish but I just have no energy anymore for this.

    I'm scared to say anything to anyone and thats why I came on here.

    Thank you to all of you,

    Pabs

  • AoifeAoife Community Manager Posts: 3,228 Boards Guru
    edited November 2018
    Hey @Pabs11

    You're incredibly strong for fighting through all of this. You've been struggling for a really long time and it's understandable to hear how you're feeling. It is really hard to keep fighting when we've been trying for so long and things don't feel any easier, but recovery is possible so keep taking things day by day. You're doing really well to reach out for support here and with your therapist too. You can get through this and we're here for you :) 

    You mentioned that you've been thinking of writing a suicide note, how are you feeling about this now?

    I hope you're doing okay today Pabs. Please don't be afraid to talk about how you're really feeling because there are people out there who really care and who can help you get the support you really deserve. You don't have to go through this alone. 

    Remember if you feel like you might not be safe and need crisis support, you can text our Crisis messenger, speak to Papyrus or Samaritans.

    Stay strong <3
    Post edited by Aoife on
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited November 2018
    Heyy

    It is hard to read youre feeling so low about life that you want to end it all :(

     there are people out there who want to help. They wont judge you - we all need help at some points & its not shameful - only wanna help and i think its great youre trying to reach out. So many people have had similar thoughts and felt the same but have felt so different about life later on. As long as youre alive there is still hope and youre not alone. I know that can sometimes sound like nothing when youre in such dark place & depressive thoughts makes everything seem impossible but i hope you can try to hear some of that

    Please take care & stay safe <3
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Newbie Posts: 17 Settling in
    edited November 2018
    Thank you Shaunie,

    It means a lot that you have responded to something like that i know its not a subject that people want
    to talk about. 

    Yeah you are right, now iv just reached a point where i don't care if i died and i don't see it getting better, there is this quote that i saw recently which says "why would you keep trying what hasn't been working?" and that's exactly how i feel, like why would you keep living but its not getting any better, why would you put yourself through it.

    This weekend for me was the worst i ever felt and the same today, that i was about to go through with it but got interrupted by my mum, and i'm really considering self-harming as i feel i deserve all the pain. I reached out to a place kinda near me who help with that sourt of thing, and it was the hardest days to go through as they wanted me to go to A&E but i persuaded not to call as it wouldn't end up good for me at home. Yesterday was the worst i really wanted to go to A&E but my mum was practically begging me to come home so i did, but while i was in that place there were workers who were so amazing and didn't force me to do anything i didn't want to. I ended up crying for a few hours that day. Saturday i went to that place and straight away there was a concern for risk and if i can keep myself safe, they ended up getting a taxi for me as they were sure i wouldn't go home as i didn't want to go to A&E, that was the day that i tried to end my life again but was interrupted, the next mourning the same thing. 

    I think that being in the South Down House Staying Well place i realized that i need help and not the help that cbt are giving me, but more to what i need at the moment, as i got talled that the state i am in now cbt will not help me. But i am willing to accept help but with a lot and i mean a lot of help. 

    From Thursday to now its just been hell the hardest nights to go through as i thought ill never make it, and i still don't think i will. Getting talled that you need to be in A&E by so many people now its becoming clear to me that maybe i do but i cant put myself there because it will cause problems at home. I'm not eating and because of whats been happening and the state i am in i'm not sleeping at all. 

    But i do understand that there are people who lived through this as i found out in that place, but i don't know if there is hope for me as i feel no one can help me, but i am willing to accept it.

    Thank you so much Shaunie, Aife and Riley who have replied to my cry for help as i feel i have reached a crisis point and am desperate for someone to help. Please do keep replying to this as i feel its helpful in someway as i feel you all care.

    Pabs  
    Post edited by JustV on
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited November 2018
    Aw we do all genuierly care <3 and can hear the pain behind your words:( wish i could help more. 

    i understand how horrible suicidal thoughts get, and getting so deserapte that crying for help but really wanting to die. But it shows much strength to keep seeking that support. I think youre doing well. It sounds overwhelming - so Maybe focusing on getting through day by day or hour by hour - may help you?

    from experience and hearing other people expereinces A&E is a not the best places to go if youre in a mental health crisis. Because they dont do much. It is best to know what sort of help you want in that moment. Have you been to a&e before for suicidal thoughts or never been this bad? When you think about going A&E for your thoughts- do you know what youre hoping for or would expect from them? A chat, medication , an admission or? Or just somewhere safe? I guess It may depend on your area but i have been to a&e when i had even plans to kill myself - they refused to speak to me for 10 mins & ive heard simialr experiences & people waiting 8 hours for a 10 min chat.  & I also ask because some people go a&e thinking theyd get admitted & get lots of help but sadly it doesnt always happen:( - it makes them feel a whole lot worse. really underfunded


    Im glad you like it at the place called - South Down House - is that somewhere you can go again? Ive been to a crisis place before & sometimes when things are so overwhelming that wanna die - just speaking to someone & sharing - can help you take a step back from the overwhelming thoughts to think that lil bit more clearly. So maybe even trying giving samaratians a call could help if thats something youd do? 

    Hope you can manage to stay safe 
    Post edited by Siena on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • AoifeAoife Community Manager Posts: 3,228 Boards Guru
    Hey @Pabs11

    I want to echo what Shaunie said, we all really care about you <3

    You mentioned this weekend and yesterday have been the worst you've ever felt before. You are so strong for getting through these last few days. How are you feeling today?

    You are so brave for reaching out for help when you were really struggling. It sounds like the Staying Well place have given you a little bit of hope that the right help is out there and can be something to help you through this. Keep holding onto that hope because you really deserve this support and there's some amazing people out there who can help you with everything. Do you feel if you got more help, things would feel different? 

    But i do understand that there are people who lived through this as i found out in that place, but i don't know if there is hope for me as i feel no one can help me, but i am willing to accept it.


    This is really positive to hear - you can get through this too and we're all going to be here to help you through this. How do you feel hearing that other people have lived through this? Are the Staying Well place able to help you get more support? 

    Shaunie mentioned trying to reach out to Samaritans. They are a great place to reach out to if you're not feeling safe or just want someone to talk to about how you're feeling. They very rarely break confidentiality, so can be a good place to talk through how you're feeling. Is this something you'd like to try?

    Hope you're doing okay today, keep fighting Pabs :) 
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • Former MemberFormer Member Newbie Posts: 17 Settling in
    Hi Shaunie and Aife,

    Thank you for your messages, i dont feel any better today even though i heard back from a counselling service who provide support in regards to suicidal feelings and thoughts, i have an assessment tomorrow at 4:30 but am really nervous for it like what if they say they cant help me then what do i do.

    To answer a few of your questions Shaunie i feel that i cant even think about the day ahead or the day now as i dont see it getting better, all that goes through my head is killing myself, and if i was completely honest i have tried hurting myself now and it has a different to what it was 4 years ago meaning that i will do it again as i feel i deserve the pain, honestly i used to get a release out of gym and sports but now it seems like so long ago, and im looking at other ways one being self-harm.

    I have been to A&E before 4 years ago when i was 16 and they helped me alot i had a long chat with camhs but the first time it happened i wasnt seen by anyone and got talled to stay but i refused as no one knew where i was and i wanted it to be that way. Even though the wait was hell, like for example the last time i was in A&E i got in at 11am and only got seen around 4pm so it was the hardest wait, i wanted so bad to leave but got talled that if i do the police will be called as i was a risk to myself and only 16. I dont know how it is now but i would think that it is alot different then when i was 16. My mental health has been really bad before but not for a while, so you could say that it brings back memories but not the ones that i want to remember. 

    I dont really know what i expect from A&E i would say it would be a safe place for me, i would guess that i would be seen by a psychiatrist and maybe they would prescribe me something and maybe refer to a more intensive support. But i dont know if this would happen if i was put in A&E, i know that the wait would definately get to me like it did back then. I dont know if i would say that it would make me feel worse but i would say that if i wasnt seen by anybody then it would i think.

    I called samaritans a few times during that weekend and friday and i think it was nice just to be heard and listened to by someone that cares and understands. I think that for sure i would go back to Southdown Staying Well Space, as i think that if i didnt i wouldnt have made it through the night, they are so amazing and so friendly, they give you as much time as you need to talk not like some places give you time limits, but most importantly they listen and care enough that they check up on me every minute to see if im okay, like when i had a breakdown  the boss that was there rushed to talk to me.

    I feel that what i have with cbt isnt enough and wont get me any better, because i got talled that what i need now is more intensive support by SouthDown, i feel what cbt is giving me isnt helping becuase i guess what i need is to talk about the thoughts and feelings iv been having not what needs to happen and getting loads of homework that wont help me when im feeling like this. They have reffered me to 2 places and one of them is the counselling. I feel like talking to the people that went to similiar things to me its like they understand it and get it and wont judge me for it, not like the people who think they understand but dont and never went through something like that.

    thanks a bunch and do keep writing i will respond,

    Pabs 


  • Former MemberFormer Member Newbie Posts: 17 Settling in
    edited November 2018
    Forgot to say Aife,
    I completely understand why you edited my post, if people read this I wouldn't want them to see it either.
    Thanks a bunch for the support,
    Pabs
    Post edited by TheMix on
  • JustVJustV Community Manager Posts: 5,612 Part of The Furniture
    How are you holding up today, @Pabs11? 

    Southdown Staying Well Space sounds like an amazing place and it's awesome to hear you have access to something that suits your needs so well. Can totally appreciate how somewhere like that (warmer, friendlier and with a less stressful environment) would be more useful than taking yourself to A&E - as @Shaunie said, a lot of people feel similarly that hospital isn't a helpful place for them to be in crisis.

    It's cool to see you've been doing some thinking about what support you'd like. Different forms of therapy work for different people at different times, so really it's about what works for you and what you feel you need right now. The 'homework' element of CBT (as you described it) does make it a bit more situational, so it's understandable that it's not for you at the mo. These things can sometimes be a bit more suited to us when we have more energy to put in to them or feeling a bit more stable.

    They have reffered me to 2 places and one of them is the counselling. I feel like talking to the people that went to similiar things to me its like they understand it and get it and wont judge me for it, not like the people who think they understand but dont and never went through something like that.

    Just to check, is the bit in bold your impression of counselling?

    I will mention that a huge amount of (dare I say most?) counsellors will have that lived experience too, either directly or through someone they know. Depending on the boundaries they set, they may not disclose that, but it's quite rare for someone in that profession not to be able to empathise in some kind of genuine way. I hear you, though - counselling is more boundaried and it doesn't suit everybody.

    What was the second place they referred you to, out of interest?

    Props for continuing to chat here, by the way. It's never easy to sift through thoughts like this, so it's great that you're getting them out. Keep us posted on how you're doing. :)
    All behaviour is a need trying to be met.
    The truth resists simplicity.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Heyy
    am glad youre getting some support :) hope youre feeling lil bit better today
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Newbie Posts: 17 Settling in
    Hey Guys,

    Things have gotten worse in the last few days iv been to A&E twice because of risk, safety and that I might act on my thoughts, it was an experience and wasn't as bad as I thought, although things at home aren't good because of this. 

    No Mike i was talking about my parents and some people who think they understand what it's like to go through this but don't, the second place that the staying well place referred me to was something called community connectors who help with work, education and mental health.

    Unfortunately on Tuesday my CBT therapist called me and said that they are closing me to the service and i should have been accepted by the Assessment and Treatment Service, initially being moved up due to my risk increasing. The same day I heard from councelling and they said that they can't provide me support because i am involved with ATS, cause working with multiple services causes confusion apparently.

    So basically it has been a long long week, on Monday I spent over 6 hours in my gp cause they didn't want to let me go due to risk, in the end sending me to A&E.

    I'm just worried now that ATS will reject me and not offering me anything, then i will be stuck in a worse position.

    Thank you for all of your support,

    Pabs
  • Former MemberFormer Member Moderator Posts: 991 Part of The Mix Family
    Hey again Pabs, great to see that you're finding everyone's support so helpful, that's what the boards are for after all!

    I'm sorry to hear that you've been having a rougher time at the moment, a lot of people find going to A&E quite scary so it's understandable that it would upset you. You also mentioned that you're worried about being switched from CBT to ATS, is there any particular reason why you're worried about it?

    It's been a couple of days since your last post so I also just wanted to check up on you and see how you're doing today. Do you have your first ATS appointment booked already? We'll try our best to support you in the run up to your ATS since you mentioned being worried about it.  :)

    Best of luck with everything!

    - Riley
  • AzzimanAzziman Moderator, Community Champion Posts: 2,103 Boards Champion
    Hey Pabs,

    Sorry to hear that things aren't going so well. Glad to hear that you've found the support here helpful though :)

    Hope you feel a little betterx

    Much love <3
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  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited November 2018
    I feel similar - suicidal and not safe. Youre not alone. <3 Execpt no one gives a shit when i am suicidal, the services that are meant to. Ah. Glad youre getting support. 

    Let us know how youre doing
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Newbie Posts: 17 Settling in
    Hi Guys,

    Sorry for the late reply there's been alot going on at once and i haven't really had time to come on here.

    Riley what worries me most about being switched to ATS is that when I meet them they will decide to refer me back to health in mind as that happened before 4 times and i just don't want to be pushed around like a doll.

    I'm just waiting on the appointment date as the one they gave me I'm not here so I'm waiting on that. I'm on Citalopram from gp but it's been nearly 2 weeks and I'm not feeling any better, all its making me do is go to sleep I just feel so tired on it.

    Shania i totally understand that as when I gave ATS a call when I was going to A&E they talled me that I was going there for no reason even though previously having explained the situation. 

    Thanks Azziman for your message I appreciate it, and thanks to all of you again for your support it means alot, do keep writing.

    Pabs
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 133 The Mix Convert
    Hi Pabs

    It's great that you're still talking to us here, I hope you're still finding it helpful?

    It can be really common that anti-depressant medications can take a couple of weeks to start working, and also have some pretty rubbish side effects to start with, there's some more information here. Hopefully they start working for you soon, but if you don't feel they're working, or the side effects aren't getting better, it might be worth another chat with your GP?
    What do I do if the side-effects are really bad? Do I carry on taking them?

    Here’s the crap thing about antidepressants. They take a while to start making you feel better, but the side-effects come on pretty quickly. So you have to deal with feeling really sick or sleepy, when you’re already low and/or anxious to begin with.

    Hopefully you get the appointment date soon as well. Keep reaching out to us here, we're all here to listen


    Caroline

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