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is it cheating?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 3,590 Community Veteran
in Sex & Relationships
first of all sorry, this could be a long rant  :p

i started seeing this guy a few weeks ago, we're not in a relationship cause he knows it scares me cause of the trauma so we're just seeing each other, but i slept with someone else on the boat and i'm feeling so guilty about it but i don't know why, like me and the guy im seeing aint in a relationship so i dont think its cheating, so i don't know why i feel so guilty about it, and i don't know if i should tell him or not, i know he hasn't slept with anyone else since we started seeing each other so maybe its that, but should i tell him or just keep it a secret? i don't want to tell him and him ending what we have, cause he's the first guy i've found that's understood me and my past. But i just don't know what the boundaries are when you're seeing someone. someone help, this sounds confusing and jumbled but it's even worse in my head  :'(

Comments

  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 0 Just got here
    Hey!

    Since you're not in a relationship with the guy you met a few weeks ago, it's not cheating sleeping with another guy as you said, but I think it would be nice to be upfront and tell the guy you are rather liking. I say this because if you were at some time to start a relationship, then it's always good to be open about past stuff. I don't like secrets in relationships. Building a solid foundation means being honest and open from the start. Actually I was when I started a relationship. Pity my ex wasn't, but blah nevermind. :p

    The guilt thing? I don't know but would guess it's just a natural knee-jerk feeling. In the past I had a similar guilt thing, but it soon passed and anyway, I wasn't in a relationship at the time.

    If this guy you've met loves ya lots and understands you, then he's going to be forgiving. Because he seems like a goodun in not judging you for your past. And I think that's lovely how things are going for the pair of you. :)

    Next time you're out with him, mention it - but he'll be good I'm sure. I believe there are some great guys out there, and you may have just found someone who will love you just as you are. =)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 3,590 Community Veteran
    heey, thanks for replying, he doesnt know everything about my past thats the thing, the bits i have told him hes accepted but i dont know how much he can take. i don't like secrets either, but i dont want him to think im not interested cause i went with someone else. im meeting him tomorrow so might just see where the convo goes... i just wish the whole 'what happens on holiday stays on holiday' applies here haha
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 0 Just got here
    edited June 2018
    Hey Bubbles, I was thinking last night that this feeling of guilt could be because inside you're feeling very fond of him. Maybe you're on the edge of falling in love? And that you don't want to hurt him which is natural.

    Just have a happy time with him and when it feels right, initiate a conversation about past loves (if you can) and of making mistakes (we all do) and ask his thoughts? It will bring the pair of you closer together even more. I love sitting high up overlooking the sea. Used to do that with someone I was chasing. :)

    I know that 'what happens on holiday stays on holiday' feeling. I used to holiday at Aiya Napa with the 16's club while our parents stayed at the hotel, and I went boy chasing....later to regret it when getting found out. :blush:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 3,590 Community Veteran
    Hey :)

    It could be, but that scares me a bit... i dont like getting close to people like that.

    yeahh i'll see where the convo leads, not sure if im seeing him anymore due to being ill but we'll see.

    i hope he's okay about it, i just don't know what i want. part of me wants him to break of what we have to stop me getting hurt more down the line, but part of me wants to keep him. its just hard with bpd and past trauma.
  • AzzimanAzziman Moderator, Community Champion Posts: 2,112 Boards Champion
    Hi Bubbles!x

    If you're not in a relationship, then it's not cheating. Some people do feel guilty for sleeping with several people because it feels like being unfaithful, but you're not so don't worry! It's up to you whether you tell him - some will say it's being honest with him, but others will argue if there's any need to tell him if it's not his business?x

    Much love <3
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  • JustVJustV Inactive Posts: 5,641 Part of The Furniture
    edited September 17
    Just to throw in another perspective - expectations are important to consider when it comes to seeing someone. Some people may automatically assume that even a casual relationship is exclusive, while others might do the opposite and assume it's not exclusive and they can see other people.

    How people define 'cheating' usually depends on how/if this is agreed. Those who assume exclusivity - even with a casual relationship - may define something like this as cheating, while others may not. It can be tough to say for sure.

    Did you and this guy ever talk about whether you were exclusive, @Past User?

    It's wicked to hear you've found someone who makes you happy, by the way. Good for you, and hopefully things work out. :)
    Post edited by TheMix on
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  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,688 Skive's The Limit
    edited June 2018
    Its not cheating if youre not in a relationship. And they say - if there is no label there is usually no rules (i think thats what people say anyway, no idea tbh)
     But i mean if you really like this guy youre ‘seeing’ - you wouldnt feel the need to have slept with someone else?. So then i guess thats what would come to his mind if you was honest with him

    but i mean - things happen and maybe he would apperciate you being honest
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 3,590 Community Veteran
    @Azziman Thanks, i think i will tell him, i dont like secrets and i know if it was the other way round i would want him to be honest with me.

    @Mike Hey, Nah we haven't spoken about boundaries or that so i don't know where i stand, I'm not seeing him til Friday now so i have  a bit of time to think if im gonna tell him or not, but i think i will, Thanks :)

    @Shaunie Thanks, I do really like him, the only reason i slept with someone else was cause i think i was on the 'holiday high' feeling when you know you're going away, i know thats not an excuse but with BPD my emotions get fucked and i sleep with people as a kind of punishment to bring me back down to reality, It's something i'm working on in therapy. I think i will be honest with him, hopefully he will understand.
  • SkiveSkive Posts: 15,287 Skive's The Limit
    I suspect there'sa good chance he wouldn't be happy if you told him, and I suspect that's why you feel some guilt. Unless you think there's some way he's likely to find out I wouldn't tell him.
    Weekender Offender 
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