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Any idea what I have?

Former MemberFormer Member NoobPosts: 3 Newbie
in Health & Wellbeing
So idk where to start but I guess I should explain why I know I have a mental issue.

I can't love.
Having the feeling like I can't truly trust anyone but myself (this feeling came very recently)
When someone makes me angry I sometimes make plans for how to kill them or just visualize how it would be like to kill the person in question.
Sometimes I feel like people can read my mind and as a result I try to scare them away by thinking horrible things.
My mind always feel like it's in chaos and like I'm gonna go insane any minute.
I hate being among other people.
I can't make friends and the ones I still have left from my childhood I hate.
I manipulate people.
I lie for no apparent reason.
I pretend to care about people and pretend to be happy by laughing and smiling, I even do it automatically without actually feeling happy.
That's the things I had on top of my head, guess I'll add more later. Of course there's a lot more in-depth about all of these but I feel like it'd take to long to write down everything that is going through my head right now.


Some other important things I guess I should mention is that I'm adopted and my real mom and dad was drug abusers and treated me badly my first 2 years in life. How badly I don't know exactly and will never find out, but two things I know they did was leaving me alone and feeding me with coke instead of milk.

Oh and btw, I don't "think" I have mental illness. I know. My question is what could it possibly be, any ideas?

Comments

  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Heya & welcome

    That sounds like a lot of things to be dealing with. Im guessing you know only a doctor, professional can tell you if anything is wrong. But reaching out on here is great and think knowing around what could be - could help you suggest or open up to your doctor or someone? Have you spoke about this with anyone else?

    Im no doctor but reading this makes me think of anti social personality disorder. But i dunno. Maybe you could read this and see if you see you can relate to it? https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/antisocial-personality-disorder/ Have you looked into personality disorders on the internet? i think it would be important to see a psychiatrist if all these things affect you on a everyday basis. Does this all massively affect you daily? And you could take a list of the symptoms like you have written above to help?

    When you say you plan killing people - do you think you would ever act on those plans? Think maybe somewhat normal to slightly think about killing someone who has seriously hurts us but when planning ways you could kill someone sounds quite concerning. Are you often angry a lot of the time?
    When you say you lie and manipluate people, what do you feel you gain from that?

    Being feed coke (im assuming you mean cocaine and not coca cola) instead of milk as a baby - im guessing could affect serotonin and your brain cocaine just definelty isnt good for mental health let alone so young. Really sorry that happened
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • AzzimanAzziman Moderator, Community Champion Posts: 2,060 Boards Champion
    Idk4568 wrote: »
    So idk where to start but I guess I should explain why I know I have a mental issue.

    I can't love.
    Having the feeling like I can't truly trust anyone but myself (this feeling came very recently)
    When someone makes me angry I sometimes make plans for how to kill them or just visualize how it would be like to kill the person in question.
    Sometimes I feel like people can read my mind and as a result I try to scare them away by thinking horrible things.
    My mind always feel like it's in chaos and like I'm gonna go insane any minute.
    I hate being among other people.
    I can't make friends and the ones I still have left from my childhood I hate.
    I manipulate people.
    I lie for no apparent reason.
    I pretend to care about people and pretend to be happy by laughing and smiling, I even do it automatically without actually feeling happy.
    That's the things I had on top of my head, guess I'll add more later. Of course there's a lot more in-depth about all of these but I feel like it'd take to long to write down everything that is going through my head right now.


    Some other important things I guess I should mention is that I'm adopted and my real mom and dad was drug abusers and treated me badly my first 2 years in life. How badly I don't know exactly and will never find out, but two things I know they did was leaving me alone and feeding me with coke instead of milk.

    Oh and btw, I don't "think" I have mental illness. I know. My question is what could it possibly be, any ideas?


    Hi Idk4568,

    A lot of these issues are with social interaction, and may be associated with poor attachment - this can happen due to neglectful or abusive parents (the BBC recently did a piece on this, coincidentally).

    I'd really recommend seeing a therapist or counsellor to resolve these issues - they are certainly fixable and don't have to remain problems forever!x

    Much love <3
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  • Former MemberFormer Member Noob Posts: 3 Newbie
    Shaunie wrote: »
    Heya & welcome

    That sounds like a lot of things to be dealing with. Im guessing you know only a doctor, professional can tell you if anything is wrong. But reaching out on here is great and think knowing around what could be - could help you suggest or open up to your doctor or someone? Have you spoke about this with anyone else?

    Im no doctor but reading this makes me think of anti social personality disorder. But i dunno. Maybe you could read this and see if you see you can relate to it? https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/antisocial-personality-disorder/ Have you looked into personality disorders on the internet? i think it would be important to see a psychiatrist if all these things affect you on a everyday basis. Does this all massively affect you daily? And you could take a list of the symptoms like you have written above to help?

    When you say you plan killing people - do you think you would ever act on those plans? Think maybe somewhat normal to slightly think about killing someone who has seriously hurts us but when planning ways you could kill someone sounds quite concerning. Are you often angry a lot of the time?
    When you say you lie and manipluate people, what do you feel you gain from that?

    Being feed coke (im assuming you mean cocaine and not coca cola) instead of milk as a baby - im guessing could affect serotonin and your brain cocaine just definelty isnt good for mental health let alone so young. Really sorry that happened

    "could you suggest or open up to your doctor or someone?" I really would like not to reveal my problems to anyone I know in real life.

    "Maybe you could read this and see if you see you can relate to it?" I could actually only relate to four of those things: exploit, manipulate or violate the rights of others, lack concern, regret or remorse about other people's distress, have difficulty sustaining long-term relationships and lack guilt, or not learn from their mistakes (although I do learn from mistakes).

    "Does this all massively affect you daily?" Yes, definitely.

    "And you could take a list of the symptoms like you have written above to help?" Maybe later (it's pretty much in the middle of the night right now).

    "When you say you plan killing people - do you think you would ever act on those plans?" I don't actually now. It feels like I'm neutral and don't really feel anything while planning/thinking about it (except anger of course).

    "Are you often angry a lot of the time?" Not really. And when I keep it inside and act like normal (I usually get a bit quieter.

    "When you say you lie and manipluate people, what do you feel you gain from that?". Nothing really. I just like to have control over situations and appear dumb so people will underestimate me.

    "Being feed coke (im assuming you mean cocaine and not coca cola)" Actually I meant coca cola, sorry for being unclear but I wrote this late at night. And they could possibly have done other things I don't know of. My dad for instance went to jail because it turned out that he was a pedophile. But yeah, I don't know what else they could've done and I'll never find out.





  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Any reason you would not like to reach out about your problems? Have you tried before and it didnt go well? . Im glad you have on here anyway. Either way its not exactly anything to be ashamed of. We all have something we struggle with & not everyone is expected to cope completly in silence. Is okay to share with others. Espically when youre saying it is affecting you daily. Youre not alone

    Though that is quite a lot of symptoms to relate to.(dont have to have every sympom to question if you have an health problem). Cause personally i cant relate to any Do you have any ideas what may be wrong yourself? People find knowing what is exactly wrong helps them - as they can pin point it out and say - to help understand selves. But i guess that may only be able to happen if you was to reach out. Its hard when you dont have a grasp of what is going on

    Ah thanks for clarifying about the coke! I gues that isnt healthy either. & sounds like it may of not been a healthy environment aswell:(

    I read the saying other day of “people control others, because theyre unable to control themselves” dunno if you can relate to that for When you say your manilaute and lie to others to feel control? Control over situations or people aswell?

    Maybe you could read up about other personality disorders or mental health issues or search how you feel on the internet - to see if normal or not? But also v important to remember self diagnosis is pretty Dangerous as it could be complety wrong even if you feel it is exactly that. But also if you feel you have mental health than reading that stuff can make you feel better about reaching out knowing it may be something hard to control?

    Hope ive made sense! So sorry if not helpful. All the best.
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Noob Posts: 3 Newbie
    Shaunie wrote: »
    Any reason you would not like to reach out about your problems? Have you tried before and it didnt go well? . Im glad you have on here anyway. Either way its not exactly anything to be ashamed of. We all have something we struggle with & not everyone is expected to cope completly in silence. Is okay to share with others. Espically when youre saying it is affecting you daily. Youre not alone

    Though that is quite a lot of symptoms to relate to.(dont have to have every sympom to question if you have an health problem). Cause personally i cant relate to any Do you have any ideas what may be wrong yourself? People find knowing what is exactly wrong helps them - as they can pin point it out and say - to help understand selves. But i guess that may only be able to happen if you was to reach out. Its hard when you dont have a grasp of what is going on

    Ah thanks for clarifying about the coke! I gues that isnt healthy either. & sounds like it may of not been a healthy environment aswell:(

    I read the saying other day of &#147;people control others, because theyre unable to control themselves&#148; dunno if you can relate to that for When you say your manilaute and lie to others to feel control? Control over situations or people aswell?

    Maybe you could read up about other personality disorders or mental health issues or search how you feel on the internet - to see if normal or not? But also v important to remember self diagnosis is pretty Dangerous as it could be complety wrong even if you feel it is exactly that. But also if you feel you have mental health than reading that stuff can make you feel better about reaching out knowing it may be something hard to control?

    Hope ive made sense! So sorry if not helpful. All the best.

    "Any reason you would not like to reach out about your problems?" Was gonna say no but a memory flashed through my head while reading this and the memory is when I was masturbaiting at home and my brother caught me. We were both young and he probably forgot about it by now but I guess it has to mean something since that memory flashed while reading this. I don't like to expose myself, talk about my problems etc.

    "Do you have any ideas what may be wrong yourself?" I have no idea.

    "I read the saying other day of &#147;people control others..." I want to have control over situations and people because I don't want to depend on anyone.

    Gonna do some tests and see if it's something I relate to a lot.
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