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I feel bad for dating this guy
Former Member
MiniposterPosts: 187 Helping Hand
Hi everyone. :wave:
I need some advice because I'm not sure how I really feel about this guy, and what I should do about it.
I guess I'll start by providing some background. I first met him in September on my first day at uni. Nothing really happened, we just happened to meet each other and talk for a while as we were heading home. We had no contact with each other after that because we didn't hang out long enough to exchange numbers or anything. Anyway, in late January or early February I was on a dating app and we found each other again. We started to talk and he added me on Facebook. I agreed to go on a date with him, we seemed to have quite a bit in common and I thought that it would at least allow me to gain dating experience as I hadn't met with anyone I spoke to online before and I was kind of nervous about it.
Things went well, and he's a really nice guy, but I've never really been quite comfortable in the relationship. I haven't ended it because I feel like the issue is with me more than him. I tried to bring my feelings up to him when he asked about making things official, and although I was able to refuse and am taking things at my own pace, I didn't feel like I could really explain my feelings in that moment. There are a lot of things I'm struggling with right now. I already mentioned my lack of experience with relationships. I also have issues regarding my sexuality, and just the fact that nothing has ever really felt right when things got even the slightest bit physical since I started dating. I'm also dealing with problems with my mood, and I'm currently struggling to access mental health services.
There are so many things I can't seem to bring myself to tell him. He really likes me but I'm not sure I feel as strongly about him as he does about me. I feel guilty, like I'm taking advantage of him somehow. People say it's good to get experience from just casual dating but that doesn't work if he starts to feel more strongly about me. Ever since my last relationship, I have been afraid that I'm going to end up being stuck in a relationship just because of the issues I have with conflict, my guilt about hurting others, and the problems I have with expressing my feelings properly.
Thanks for taking the time to read this. What should I do?:>
I need some advice because I'm not sure how I really feel about this guy, and what I should do about it.
I guess I'll start by providing some background. I first met him in September on my first day at uni. Nothing really happened, we just happened to meet each other and talk for a while as we were heading home. We had no contact with each other after that because we didn't hang out long enough to exchange numbers or anything. Anyway, in late January or early February I was on a dating app and we found each other again. We started to talk and he added me on Facebook. I agreed to go on a date with him, we seemed to have quite a bit in common and I thought that it would at least allow me to gain dating experience as I hadn't met with anyone I spoke to online before and I was kind of nervous about it.
Things went well, and he's a really nice guy, but I've never really been quite comfortable in the relationship. I haven't ended it because I feel like the issue is with me more than him. I tried to bring my feelings up to him when he asked about making things official, and although I was able to refuse and am taking things at my own pace, I didn't feel like I could really explain my feelings in that moment. There are a lot of things I'm struggling with right now. I already mentioned my lack of experience with relationships. I also have issues regarding my sexuality, and just the fact that nothing has ever really felt right when things got even the slightest bit physical since I started dating. I'm also dealing with problems with my mood, and I'm currently struggling to access mental health services.
There are so many things I can't seem to bring myself to tell him. He really likes me but I'm not sure I feel as strongly about him as he does about me. I feel guilty, like I'm taking advantage of him somehow. People say it's good to get experience from just casual dating but that doesn't work if he starts to feel more strongly about me. Ever since my last relationship, I have been afraid that I'm going to end up being stuck in a relationship just because of the issues I have with conflict, my guilt about hurting others, and the problems I have with expressing my feelings properly.
Thanks for taking the time to read this. What should I do?:>
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Comments
If you aren't comfortable in a relationship, you have two options - either fix what isn't working, or leave the relationship. It is possible to resolve issues with sexuality, physical intimacy, mood, expression and mental health within the relationship. In fact, your partner may even be a supportive figure for you through this. But if you'd prefer to tackle these on your own, without the worry of how this is affecting your partner, then perhaps you could drop the relationship while you sort things out.
Much love
It would be great to be able to solve these issues without ending things, and I know that being in a relationship with someone you trust can help. I think that the main problem with this is that I'm not really sure how to bring them up. Plus, sometimes I feel like I'm making excuses to cover the fact that I was just never really that attracted to him as anything more than a friend. I think he's a great guy, but I'm not sure I like him in that way. I'm going to try to talk things out with him when I get the chance. I'm also still trying to get help from the mental health service, but I haven't managed to get through to them yet. I'm worried that I'll end up being stuck in a relationship I'm not happy in because I always naturally try to stick with something or work on it when the best thing would be to just quit. It's an issue I had with my previous relationship, as well as with things like jobs, volunteering roles, and courses.
I'm so sorry to hear you've been struggling with your emotions and trying to access mental health services, it can be quite daunting and scary to even try access them in the first place, so I'm really proud of you for trying your best to get help! :angel:
With regards to your main issue of this post, I think I would personally try to explain your feelings to your partner, but I understand it's never as easily done than it is said. It can be really unnerving and feel like guilt is eating you whole, but from what I've read, you don't have anything to feel guilty for, You can't control how you're feeling, and I'm sure you're not feeling as you are because you chose to. I actually think the fact you feel bad for feeling the way you do actually translates into something nice about your character - you're thinking and caring about others.
Even though you don't feel you fully got your intentions across, I'm really proud of you for trying to explain how you felt to begin with! Perhaps you could try again to explain how you feel, when you feel ready to, even if your explanation for now is: "I'm sorry, I'm not really in the best state right now and I'm not so sure about how I am feeling in general." or something along those lines; you could, of course, say more or less according to how you feel, but I think it's important to get across that you're just not feeling sure first and foremost, because that would explain why you can't explain in more detail at this point in time - you're just not necessarily in the best situation to do so yet.
Let me please remind you that it is completely okay to not be so sure of your feelings right now, so please don't beat yourself up thinking about it and feeling guilty. But it's not fully fair either to leave your partner completely in the dark, so explaining to him how you're feeling, even if this is simply just saying that you're not so sure of how you're feeling, is enough - communication is key!
Take care of yourself, and I hope things start to fall in place for you
-peachysoo
While reading I sense that maybe you fear you’re leading him on? Maybe that is a wrong term but i don’t know- What do you think? If so maybe you could say this to him and that you’re not too sure and just be honest? And maybe a different pace would be best. Because it could get awkward and feel stuck with not knowing when or how - to say it later on. Sorry if wrong and if I’ve made no sense and not helpful.
You mention that you haven't had much experience with relationships and that you met this guy right at the beginning of uni, so could it be that you were more drawn to him because he's a nice and caring person, and you're at a bit of a vulnerable point in your life?
Sometimes it's easy to get into a relationship because what we're really craving is companionship and don't have enough experience to recognise the difference between that and real attraction. I know this because I've done it myself- first time when I started uni and the second time again when I moved country. Both times something didn't feel quite right in the relationship and it wasn't until later when I met someone I was really attracted to that I realised why - I'd met both those guys at a time when I was looking for security and they provided exactly that. When I ended those relationships I felt awful about it because I think they felt more strongly about me than I did about them and I respected them both a lot (and by the way it took me ages before I got enough courage to do it).
Of course, your situation might be quite different than that and I'm not saying the same thing is definitely happening with you and this guy, but I thought I'd share my experience to show that sometimes the best thing to do is to follow your instinct- if you feel something is not quite right about the relationship, even if he is a really great guy which it sounds like he is, it's probably because something genuinely isn't quite right. Attraction doesn't follow logic. If you have had the thought, as you say you have, that you may not be attracted to him as anything more than a friend, then that is likely to be the case.
You may not feel that you are able to explain your feelings to him but at least you have been able to go some way to explaining them on here. That's definitely a good place to start. Do you write a diary? Maybe that would help too. Sometimes trying to pick apart your own feelings is something you have to do by yourself first to try and get a better understanding of them, before you try to explain them to someone else. You said you feel you're able to take things at your own pace and have told him that you're not ready to make things official just yet so it doesn't sound to me like you're leading him on in any way. You've actually been really honest. It sounds like things are still in the early days if you've only recently discussed making things official so I don't think you need to put any pressure on yourself to talk to him about this yet if you don't feel you can bring yourself to. It does take time and you should give yourself that. It's ok to feel confused about what you feel, especially at this stage, and you definitely shouldn't feel guilty about that.
You obviously care about him because you don't want to hurt him but as you say that can lead to continuing in a relationship that isn't right for you. If that's what you think might be happening here then I would suggest that you end things sooner rather than later. I know that's easier said than done but remember that it will be a lot less hurtful to him to end things early on rather than continuing with the relationship while you're feeling unsure, and more importantly, it will make you feel a lot better too (initially you'll probably feel worse but then the feelings of guilt will go). If you feel relief afterwards, you'll know it was the right decision. On the other hand, if you end things are realise it was a huge mistake then you'd have your answer as to how you really feel about him.
It's really good to be type of person who wants to stick with something even when things get tough (as all relationships do), but equally you need to be able to recognise when something isn't right for you and have the courage to end it. This takes practice because it's hard.
If things don't feel quite right when you get physical it can be for a number of reasons: it could be hormonal; it could be that the style isn't what you like; it could be due to mood, lack of sleep or anxiety; or it could be because the sexual attraction just isn't there. It might be good to try and explore which of these things you feel might be contributing to that, but also the main thing is if it doesn't feel right, don't do it.
I always felt something wasn't quite right with those two major relationships I mentioned and it wasn't until I met my current partner that I could say with certainty why - it was because the attraction wasn't there. It's hard to know that if you haven't got that comparison. I still have moments when I doubt my attraction for my current partner but those are only fleeting moments, usually due to my own insecurities or my mood, but the difference is that they are more rare than the feeling of being really attracted to him. With my previous two relationships I was constantly coming back to the question of whether I was really attracted to them. I never really butterflies or my stomach flip with the other guys, but this time I do.
I hope that helps a bit to think about how you feel at least. And I hope you get to access the mental health services soon!
-Lizzie
Hi @TheAprilFool,
If you don't feel that way about him, I think it's best to let him know and go back to being friends. Keeping a relationship that isn't reciprocal does neither of you any favours, so it's best to discuss this and work through it together!x
You mentioned that you're not sure how to bring these issues up - is this the case with him, or in general? If it's just with him, then that's okay - you don't have to share anything you don't want to if you're not comfortable with the person. But if it's the latter, I'd be more concerned - it's important to have someone to talk to about these!x
Sticking a relationship can work sometimes, but it's becoming less common with each generation. It depends on whether the issues in that commitment, be it a job, course or relationship, can be resolved. If so, then sticking it out can be better - otherwise, leaving is the best choice. You have to weigh up whether it's something that can be resolved or not - jumping ship isn't the best option every time!x
I hope that things work out well, and that the mental health services help you as soon as possible!x
Much love
I really appreciate your support so I'm sorry that it's taken me so long to reply.
I've still had no luck accessing the mental health services, I've had a busy week but I'm hoping that I will be able to call them more often now that things have hopefully settled down a bit.
I've tried to talk about my feelings with him, and I figured this was especially important because a couple of weeks ago I had some drinks with him and his friends and I feel like he took advantage of me a little, and he said he needs to be better at reading signals and that it won't happen again. I'm trying to be more open with him, even though it's hard for me to admit my true feelings for people. Guilt is a big problem for me, I feel guilty when I bring up anything negative, but I also feel just as guilty when I hide my feelings from him. I'm glad I come across as caring, I sometimes get the feeling that my friends think I just lead guys on all the time.
There are a lot of things I feel like I need to say to him. Maybe I should make a list so that I try to mention at least some of them the next time we see each other. I've tried to bring things up with him a couple of times, but somehow it seems that I can never have a serious conversation with him. It's not like we don't talk, he actually messages me several times a day using different apps and stuff if I stop replying. I don't think it's healthy to talk constantly, as I'm pretty introverted and can find this draining. We ended up making things official on the night that we went out with his friends, which is another issue because I only mentioned that I kind of thought of him as my boyfriend while trying to avoid a creepy guy in the park, and he ignored the rest of that story. I'm not saying that I'm about to break up with him, but I feel kind of trapped because everything has become a lot more official and public and I wasn't quite as ready as I probably sounded on that night.
I think I might arrange a date soon that would allow us to sit down and talk. Maybe we could just go out for a coffee or something, like we did when we first met. That way I could try to have a more serious conversation with him and we could both try to open up a little more, but it won't end up being as intimate as when we watch a film together. I'm really not intentionally trying to keep him in the dark, but we definitely need to improve our communication because it's something that I've always struggled with and I don't really feel listened to when I do try to talk to him about some things.
I do feel like I've led him on a little, but not intentionally. I'm just confused about my feelings because he seems so genuinely nice, but he admitted that he isn't good at reading signals. I'm not very good at communicating how I really feel because past experiences have made me feel as though people will always react negatively to this. It just really isn't a good mix so the communication between the two of us hasn't been that great. I'm trying to improve this but there are a few things on my mind regarding the relationship and I don't want to just say everything at once and make him feel like I'm just ranting at him.
I'm going to arrange something soon so that we can sit and have a proper chat.
I'm not sure what originally drew me to him. On the first night we met we only spoke briefly and then we didn't see each other again until months later. I actually spent pretty much all of that night hanging out with another guy who I haven't seen since. I agree that starting uni was a vulnerable time for me. It was scary and there is always something to do or something to be stressed about. I've already mentioned that my mental health has been bad, and I've had issues with low moods and bad self-esteem for years. I'm not sure I would even say I was "drawn" to him at all, I just thought that I would give things a go because I had been using online dating sites for a while and had never had the courage to actually meet anyone, so I figured that even if the date didn't work out it'd give me the extra courage I needed to meet more new people. I think that I carried on dating him because I never felt like I had a good reason not to. I think that's one of the problems that I have with relationships. I have a certain few things that I feel would cause me to end a relationship immediately, such as cheating or physical abuse. However, with most things I feel the need to work things out or to justify the other person's behaviour.
I don't think that I started this relationship just because I craved companionship, but I have found that the majority of my crushes have been on people who I already consider to be a friend. I think I'm just unable to think of someone as a potential romantic partner until there is already some kind of emotional connection, which I'm guessing is pretty normal. Instead it seems that the relationships I have had have all sort of happened accidentally, I just dated someone for a little too long and it felt like I was in too deep and couldn't back out because they seemed to really like me. It's a terrible feeling to think that someone must like you a lot more than you like them.
I normally try to follow the rule of "if it feels wrong, it is wrong", but that becomes a whole lot harder when I'm actually in the situation and another person's feelings could get hurt. I agree that attraction doesn't follow logic. I've never really had a 'type', and it's hard to say whether I will find a person attractive or not. I've not felt any butterflies or anything so far, but there have been times when I've thought that he's really sweet and I've felt really affectionate towards him.
I don't currently have a diary, but I share my daily thoughts on a mood-tracking app and I try to write my feelings down when things get too complicated and I need a way of working things out. I think I might start to write some of my thoughts down soon and then try to talk to him some time next week. A nice coffee date might be a good way of starting a conversation. We already made things official, but being as we discussed that for the second time while we were both drunk, I think that could have gone a completely different way if we'd discussed it properly. It's not like I didn't agree to it, it's just that now everything is on Facebook and stuff, I feel as thought everything is more public and a bunch of people are going to start asking questions if we break up.
I think I probably just need to have a serious conversation with him, even if it leads to me feeling more guilty for a little while. I honestly just can't see the relationship working out the way things are going right now and I don't think it's fair to either of us for me to just keep quiet about my feelings when something clearly isn't right. The physical attraction isn't really there because I've never really been that physical with another person before and I think that this is something that will happen once I feel an emotional connection to someone.
I hope that I feel real attraction some day, and I'm glad that you mentioned that you still occasionally wonder about your attraction to your current partner because I was starting to worry that I was just being strange for questioning all my relationships and that I'd never really get over it.
Thanks for taking the time to reply. I'm going to keep trying to access the mental health services.
I'm going to have a discussion with him soon to see if I can bring up some of what I've been feeling and have a serious discussion with him.
I have issues bringing up how I feel with people in general, but I do also feel like he doesn't really listen to me sometimes. I'm trying to improve my communication skills and work past the things that make me want to stop sharing my negative emotions.
Thanks for the reply. I'm still trying to get in touch with the mental health services, but in the meantime I'll keep calling them and also see if these issues can be resolved.
It's always harder in practice to follow the rule "if it feels wrong, it is wrong". Things are never that black and white. But it sounds like you have some good strategies for working with your emotions and trying to understand them better, and that you're aware that something isn't right. I think a good rule of thumb is to image it the other way around. Would you want to be in relationship with someone who thought something clearly wasn't right and that the attraction wasn't really there?
I have no doubt that you will feel real attraction with someone, but I also think that how attracted you are to someone can depend a lot on you and whether you're in the right place for that. And I think it's really normal for attraction to fluctuate, especially if you're the kind of person who spends a lot of time analysing your own feelings!
I think you'll feel a lot better when you have that conversation with him, no matter how it goes. Either way, at least you'll be being honest with him. And if you're still feeling confused afterwards - because those kind of conversations can be pretty rough! - we're here.
Not at all! I'm sorry I also take a while to reply, so we're on the same boat if anything :')
I'm sorry to hear that you're still struggling to access services. If you need any help finding support from mental health services, please do say so, as we're all very willing to help here as much as we can!
Truthfully, I understand somewhat feeling guilty when you bring up negative topics; I think we all experience this to an extent, or at the least I relate to your feelings, but perhaps yours is quite a bit more significant to be affecting you so much. It must be really confusing having such opposing factors making you feel like this as well; it must be really frustrating and feel like you can't win, right?
Having said all that, though, it can be tough if you feel you don't have that support to begin with, and it can be scary to know where to begin or who to turn to. In this scenario, I'd like to remind you that you're always very welcome to seek support here, and we're all very happy to help you as much as we can. I've read a quote somewhere once that goes: "A comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows there". I like it, since it reminds me to try push my boundaries, even if I go about it in small baby steps, and push myself a little more each time. Hopefully, it can inspire you in the same way!
It would be good for you to have a proper chat with him when you feel ready, and if you feel writing a list of things as prompts to help you, then all the better! It's reassuring to hear that you recognise you should probably improve upon your communication, and that you deserve to be listened to properly. I'm proud of you, and you can do it!
-peachysoo
-peachysoo
I guess I'll give an update on what's going on, as it's been a while since I posted here. We made things official on April 22nd, and we seemed to be getting on really well. Things have been going downhill though. I feel as though he's taking advantage of me. He often does things that I've repeatedly told him I'm not comfortable with. At this point I really don't think he can blame it on his difficulty reading signals because we've had like three serious discussions where I've told him that I'm not that experienced or comfortable when it comes to certain kinds of physical contact. He seemed understanding at first, but during the last couple of conversations I got the sense that he's getting kind of annoyed with me. I guess he is frustrated at how slow things are progressing. I've really made an effort to work through the issues I have with communication, and I've always been honest with him about the fact that I'm not that experienced and tend to take things really slowly. He's admitted that he normally would have slept with someone at this point in a relationship, and it seems like he just doesn't know how to express how he feels without doing something physical all the time.
We finished a film night a couple of hours ago, and I cried as soon as he left because I felt so anxious after having him touch me and try to take my clothes off all evening after I kept telling him to stop. I keep trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, as I always do, but at this point I feel like I'm making a mistake by continuing the relationship when there is clearly something wrong. I still keep some of my feelings to myself. I've cried in secret the last couple of times he has come over.
We normally get on well, and I though he was really understanding. Now I'm not so sure. I'm really starting to consider ending the relationship and exploring my sexuality and stuff a bit more. I'm kind of questioning again, and it would be nice to date a girl for the first time considering that I've always had crushes on more girls than guys.
Thanks for taking the time to reply
I am considering that advice, but I really don't think that I can solve these problems while still in the relationship. I really think it's best to break up, but I've never broken up with anyone before so I'm nervous and I still have doubts as to whether or not it's the right thing to do.
Reading your last update and the advice everyone has given you, I would agree and say it sounds like it would be best for you not to be in this relationship right now. That doesn't mean you couldn't give it another go in the future, but for now it just doesn't sound like it's the best thing for you. I have been in a similar situation myself, and I know that feeling of being alone and confused and upset is not how you should be feeling when you're with someone. Your instincts will tell you if something is not right, and if you're feeling anxious like that when you're with him and crying after he leaves, you're right - something is clearly wrong.
As for breaking up with someone, the truth is that is never easy. There are always lots of emotions involved and it takes a lot of courage to be able to end a relationship, even one that's not right. The first step is deciding it's what you want, which it sounds like you've done, but it can take some time to get from that point to actually being able to do it. The best advice I can give is just to be brave and take the plunge. Doubts are normal when it comes to breaking up with someone. There will always be doubts. But you just need to pay attention to your gut instincts - if you aren't comfortable in the relationship and don't think it will improve, it's not right.
I had a similar issue with my last relationship, where I always felt it wasn't healthy but had too many doubts to end things. This feels different though, at least now I at least feel comfortable with him most of the time. I think that I would really miss not being around him, even though I have a lot of issues with the physical side of things. Maybe that's a sign that we would be better off as friends. Looking back at all my previous relationships and dating experiences makes me think that all I did was waste people's time.
I think I'll just have to follow my instincts and get things over with.
I think that's a good idea - having some space and time to yourself will allow you to decide what you think is best for you going forward. It sounds like you're not comfortable with the physical side of this relationship, but the thought of ending things isn't great either. I think you'll need to weigh it up - is it worth staying in this relationship, or is it better to leave for the opportunity of meeting someone else (you mentioned wanting to experiment with girls, so perhaps this is the time you're looking for)?
Much love
I'm home now and it's really nice to be back and to have more of my own space again. I'm not sure why it's so difficult for me to enjoy the physical side of the relationship. Maybe it's just because I'm not that experiences, maybe I'm just not a very physical person, or maybe I just get tense because he keeps going further than I'm comfortable with. I keep thinking about ending the relationship to experiment and find someone I'm more comfortable with, but then I think about all the good times and it makes me sad to think about ending things.
I'm going to try to think thinks through before I see him again. Maybe being able to talk to family and friends more often will help me to work things out.
Thanks for the reply