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😭😭😭😭 TW - suicidal idealiation

SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
in Health & Wellbeing
I am suicidal all the time. I dont do anything with my life. I work 8 hours a week and the rest of the week i am thinking about suicide. Convicing myself everyone wants me dead or finding little things to make me believe someones life would be better if i just died. And searching things on the internet.

I am so preoccupied with thoughts of dying - i cant watch tv, mantain conversations or anything. I know i cant do anything with my life when i cant remove suicide as an option so i am getting no where. I do get sudden out burst of feeling unsafe & really wanting to die & attempting suicide but tbh i dont know if they are more of a cry for help or what but i feel like one day i just wont be able to take it.

I dont get what i am suppose to do. I cant stop thinking about easy ways to die and giving myself more reasons to die every single day. I dont get it, life or anything. We all die. No point what so ever when i am just suffering.
“And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley

Comments

  • CharlotteCharlotte Posts: 229 Trailblazer
    Hi Shaunie,

    ​I am so sorry to here that you are feeling this way it sounds like your going through a really hard time. You spoke about working for 8 hours how are you finding this work? Does it help you when you are working? It sounds like your really struggling with these thoughts of suicide so well done for coming and talking about what is happening on here we are here to support you. It can be really hard to open up and talk about how your feeling, is there anyone else which you have been able to talk to about how you are feeling?

    ​You mentioned that you weren't able to watch tv or do other things is there anything which you find actually helps you to get rid of these thoughts?

    ​Stay strong

    Chary
  • JellyelephantJellyelephant Posts: 1,908 Extreme Poster
    Hey shaunie,

    Thanks for writing on my post, sorry to hear you are feeling the same way :( I don't have any solutions or any great ideas, but I am currently trying to just take it a day at a time or sometimes even an hour at a time. I take a walk, or watch tv, or put some music on to just try and keep going. Maybe you can do the same. Have you got anyone you can talk to? Even at a helpline? That can help sometimes.

    I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you, and I hope things are feeling a little better soon. Until then, take good care of yourself

    xxx
    The sun will rise and we will try again 
  • JustVJustV Community Manager Posts: 5,577 Part of The Furniture
    Heya Shaunie,

    Charlotte and Jelly have said exactly what I was going to so brilliantly, so I just wanted to drop in and emphasise that there are always people out there (such as at Papyrus or Samaritans) willing to listen at a moments notice if you do find suicidal or harmful thoughts becoming too much to bear. I know sometimes it's nice to be alone with our thoughts, but we never need to be if we don't want to be.

    How are you feeling today? Keep us posted, and well done for reaching out. It's never easy. *hug*
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  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you guys!!💜💜

    I hate my job so much and the day before is always the day i feel most suicidal just thinking i have to actually do soemthing & live. Only things i enjoy that calms me is listening to music and being with lil puppy. Which i suppose is better than nothing. But i do sometimes like walking. But everything takes so much energy out of me all the time.

    I dont really have anyone to talk to. I would like to be able to use helplines but i just hate phones calls.

    And even when i have been in crisis wanting to die, i see the crisis people in hospital to be reviewed and they make me feel 10 times worse. And basically tell me i am lazy and dont try hard enough
    like i know all the "only you can help youself" shit, but i need to help while i help myself. Not compeletly by myself. But basically said i dont try at all. But it takes everything out of me just to mantaim basic care. Just the lack of understanding frustates me so much close to tears everytime i do try to speak to someome & makes me feel hopeless cause make it out like i am just lazy.

    Im not feeling any better today So ill probably carry on feeling sorry for myself and wait for a massive trigger to finally help me to fucking kill myself or wait forever til the day i die. Brill😭

    But thank you all!
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Moderator Posts: 991 Part of The Mix Family
    Hey Shaunie thanks for checking in with how you're feeling.

    I'm sorry to hear you're still feeling so rough and hopefully some of the great advice you've gotten in this thread proves to be helpful for you. You said that you'd like to talk to some of the helplines out there but hate phone calls and that's totally understandable, I think we all hate talking on the phone sometimes! There are some great text-based alternatives out there that you might find helpful instead such as The Mix's own chat service or Papyrus and The Samaritans both have e-mail addresses you can contact.

    These kinds of services help all manner of people just like you all the time so you don't have to worry about them misunderstanding you as you said you've had troubles with that in the past. I hope you find the support you want soon and be sure to keep checking in with us about how you're feeling or if you need any help from us on the boards.

    - Riley
  • RayofhopeRayofhope Posts: 152 Helping Hand
    Hi Shaunie,

    You mentioned that you really don't like your work and the day before work is the worst day, which must be really hard. Have you thought about looking at other jobs which you might find are better suited for you? As you said that you have something things which help to calm you down and its great that you have a few things. Walking can take a lot of energy which we might not have, but I find that it is a great thing to do when I have the energy to do it and it helps to clear my mind.

    I am sorry to here that they say that you don't try hard enough this must be really hard to here, how do you feel when they say that?

    We are here for you.
    Rayofhope:rainbow2:

    Life doesn’t require we be the best, only that we try our best
  • AzzimanAzziman Moderator, Community Champion Posts: 2,065 Boards Champion
    Shaunie wrote: »
    I am suicidal all the time. I dont do anything with my life. I work 8 hours a week and the rest of the week i am thinking about suicide. Convicing myself everyone wants me dead or finding little things to make me believe someones life would be better if i just died. And searching things on the internet.

    I am so preoccupied with thoughts of dying - i cant watch tv, mantain conversations or anything. I know i cant do anything with my life when i cant remove suicide as an option so i am getting no where. I do get sudden out burst of feeling unsafe & really wanting to die & attempting suicide but tbh i dont know if they are more of a cry for help or what but i feel like one day i just wont be able to take it.

    I dont get what i am suppose to do. I cant stop thinking about easy ways to die and giving myself more reasons to die every single day. I dont get it, life or anything. We all die. No point what so ever when i am just suffering.


    ​Hi @Shaunie,

    Sorry to hear how you're feeling - you've been really brave in sharing your experience online, so really well done for that!x

    It sounds like you're in a lot of pain right now, and could do with support. I'd strongly suggest you see a GP and get the medical and psychological support you need, to help you get back on track! Also would recommend Samaritans (24/7 on-call support), Mind (mental health charity that can give advice), and Mental Health Forum (find those with similar experiences). Hope things improve for you soon!x

    Much love <3
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  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you
    I dont really want a job i just want to die. Though i dont really cause i know id rather live and have a happy life but like death only chioce. Cause i want chamge but im not actually willing to change cause i have no energy or motivation so i will not get better. And will be stuck here forever

    I have been in hospital since i last posted and i really did want to die then and now know it wasnt a cry for help and all the rest was. I really did want to die and thought i was gunna rest in peace😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭but still alive and stuck. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭they Discharge me today. Will try get help from my gp.

    Thanks
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    Hi Shaunie

    I'm so sorry you're feeling like this :( I hope you're able to get a GP appointment soon? We are all rooting for you here :heart:

    - Lucy :rainbow:
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Cant bring myself to ring for gp appiontmet. Crisis team suppose to be involved but haven't heard from them
    Cant be bothered anymore just want to die now
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    What’s going on @Shaunie do you want to talk about it? I know you said earlier in the thread that you don’t like talking on the phone, but there’s a text service Papyrus run,, the number is 07786209697 if you feel like it. If not we’re here too. You’re not alone x
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Lucy307 wrote: »
    What&#146;s going on [USER="96903"]Shaunie[/USER] do you want to talk about it? I know you said earlier in the thread that you don&#146;t like talking on the phone, but there&#146;s a text service Papyrus run,, the number is 07786209697 if you feel like it. If not we&#146;re here too. You&#146;re not alone x

    Thank you
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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